So, a quick recap of where we are: The next presidential administration and the Republicans in congress and state governments across the nation are comprised of despicable human beings who deserve nothing but scorn, mockery and exile from the company of decent people everywhere. Instead, they have been handed unprecedented power, and fully intend to use it to gleefully unleash wanton destruction on the country, the planet, and the lives of millions, perhaps billions, of people, as well as unfathomable numbers of other species. That about sum it up? Mkay.
If you’re like me, for the past week you’ve probably been asking yourself “What could possibly be worse?” Well guess what. Our true enemies have a little something extra in store for us, a rancid, oozing cherry, if you will, to plunk down right on top of this colossal shit sundae we’re eating. I refer, of course, to the fucking squirrels.
For in addition to infecting us with the Black Plague, scientists have recently discovered that the enemy rodents’ biological weapons arsenal also includes…leprosy.
LEPROSY! As in, you know, terrible nerve damage and skin deformities inflicted by a just and loving god as punishment for sin? I seem to remember something about that Jeezus character running around magically “healing” the lepers, who were otherwise doomed to exile because of their god-given disfigurement. Which I guess was nice of him and all, but as far as I can tell he never did or said a single goddamn thing about the evil rodents that have cursed humanity ever since.
Anyway. I read about the leper squirrels in The Atlantic, and I have a couple major issues with the article. First of all, check out the headline: Surprise! British Red Squirrels Carry Leprosy.
Surprise? Are you kidding me? As readers of this blog are well aware, there exists no level of depravity to which the Sciuridae will not stoop. WAKE UP SHEEPLE AT THE ATLANTIC.
Second, lead researcher Anna Meredith was asked whether the leper squirrels could pass the disease to humans, and here is what she said: “It’s not impossible, but there’s no evidence that we’re at risk. We’re more concerned about the squirrels.”
OMFG.
[h/t Steve]
Sounds good. Spend the rest of my life on Molokai. Thank you, squirrels.
Oh. No. You. Don’t. Hawaii is blessed with an absence of squirrels. It would be the height of injustice for squirrel-loving traitors to humanity like you to live in that paradise.
Not to worry. I could bring some squirrels with me. Introducing an exotic species has never gone wrong before, right? And no, I am not a squirrel lover. I love Wife, and I love goats.
Though Wife has been wearing a flannel nightie that has a squirrel and acorn print on it, so . . . .
It is now patently obvious to me that there is a vast – nay, not vast – WORLD SPANNING conspiracy encompassing ALL major media outlets, social and political science departments at ALL universities and colleges, civil servants, the military, and elected officials at all levels. It’s a conspiracy to hide the TRUTH!
Humans are not the masters of this world — squirrels are! And when Squirrels get angry, bad things happen:
Brexit
Modi
Marie La Pen
Putin
Edrogan
Trump
ISIL
Global Warming, including
– Drought
– Flooding
– Superstorms
– Arctic Cold Bubbles
Plague
Anthrax
and now Leprosy!
Basically, everything wrong in the world has been willed into existence by squirrels!
Most children, however, aren’t yet part of this conspiracy. Evidence? Only they feed the squirrels. OK, children and the homeless feed the squirrels. And they might be our salvation! If kids and homeless people feed enough squirrells, then we might get them to change their minds and leave us alone!
So be kind to the children and help the homeless – our very existence depends on it!
Disclaimer: Since I myself have unusual difficulty detecting sarcasm or mocking, I find myself compelled to point out that only the last sentence before this disclaimer wasn’t hyperbolic mocking of wingnuts!
sjdorst:
I like the way you think. THANK YOU. That’s what I’m trying to tell people, but they’re all like, “What a fucking kook, they’re squirrels FFS.” They will learn eventually, but by then it may well be too late.
Nope. My own mother feeds the squirrels. My neighbor feeds the squirrels. Thousands of tourists at the Grand Canyon feed the squirrels, despite prominent signage explicitly telling them not to. There is a whole industry dedicated to squirrel feeding.
Further, encouraging children and the homeless to be our front line defense against these despicable monsters is a truly terrible idea. There are many good reasons not to feed squirrels, but perhaps the best one is that they are wild animals that can and do attack, and when they do it is frequently because some asshole has been feeding them. Here’s a case of a three-year-old boy brutally attacked by a mob of squirrels as he fed them, and the Internet will serve you up countless similar horror stories.
Besides, squirrels will never, ever leave us alone no matter what we do. They are fuckers.
I expect the Red Squirrel got the leprosy from the evil American Grey Squirrel invader. I have never seen any harm in the Red Squirrel on its own territory.
I read with glee the story of another potential foreign invasion of the British Isles, which was foiled in the sight of many horrified twitchers. A member of the species _Turdus migratorius_, which is very successful in North America, in spite of the foreign invader there, the European starling, had ridden some westerly winds and been reported.
Apparently its red breast attracted the attention of a sparrow hawk, or perhaps a kestrel, which made a meal of it! I saw a dozen or so of these birds on a playing field here in Virginia, but I’ve never seen a sparrow hawk. I really like the American Robin, even if it is a thrush, but I don’t want it supplanting the blackbirds and thrushes of the land of my birth.