[CONTENT NOTE: discussion of fecal elimination and common problem associated therewith.]

As readers here may recall, I take tremendous pride in my half-assed, poorly executed, semi-regular attempts to extract $82 billion worth of amusement every year from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of atheist U.S. taxpayers. I perform this service 100% free of charge; it is my noble, selfless, one-woman protest of the appalling injustice that is $82 billion in yearly taxpayer subsidies to the R-I-C. Okay, it’s probably not much of a sacrifice on my part, because I happen to thoroughly enjoy mocking a particular church sign in the small town in Northern Maryland where my mother lives. Hey, someone has to do it.

And today’s sign is a doozy.

P  →  PRAY
U  → UNTIL
S  →  SOMETHING
H  → HAPPENS
TRINITY WORSHIP 9&11

Listen, I am not particularly partial to potty humor and have no interest in scat, but this sign immediately brought to my mind vivid visions of some poor bloated and constipated Christian on the john begging Jeezus for some of that sweet divine mercy while desperately trying to push one out. Is there something wrong with me?

Wait. Don’t answer that.

But Christ as Colonic™ sure does bring a whole new layer of meaning to the phrase holy shit.

And really, is this any kind of helpful advice to be giving parishioners? It killed Elvis, FFS!

All right, I know what you’re thinking: maybe the “something” actually refers to, well, something else. In that case I’ve got more bad news: in this tiny one-horse town, you could be praying for days or even weeks before something, anything, ever happens.

Either way, if conservative Christians would all stay home on Election Day straining over their stools and/or praying for “something” to happen, that miracle would make me a very happy woman indeed. Why, I might even start worshiping Jeezus again! It would certainly go a long way toward offsetting some of that $82 billion. Just sayin’.