To give some background, Hannah Graham is an 18-year-old University of Virginia student who’s been missing for some time. The police have a suspect:

Charlottesville police named 32-year-old Jesse Matthew a suspect in the disappearance, and he was detained in Texas on Wednesday after he also disappeared for a short time. So far, he has refused to talk with investigators about what he might know about Graham, whom he was seen with the night she disappeared. Police have released little else about what led them to name him as their prime suspect. (NBC News)

It’s horrible story. I will never be a parent, but I have loved ones and have lost loved ones. I can’t imagine the pain the parents must be going through.

Hannah Graham’s parents addressed the public for the first time Sunday when they appeared at a news conference to ask for information about their missing daughter. John Graham spoke lovingly of his 18-year-old daughter. His wife Sue stood by his side.

John Graham asked anyone who had information into the whereabouts of Hannah Graham daughter, a second-year University of Virginia student, to come forward.

“This is every parent’s worst nightmare,” John Graham said. “We need to find out what happened to Hannah to make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else.” (Wtvr)

My sympathies go out to these unfortunate people. I would say, “no doubt we all feel this way”, except someone called Debbie Schlussel is being a totally awesome human being about this entire situation. It’s hard to read this. But here we go.

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First we’re treated to the babyish titled: ” When You Walk Around Drunk in Half a Shirt Alone @ Night, This Happens”.

“This”? What’s “this”? Going missing? Possibly getting kidnapped? I keep forgetting women with their revealing clothes have magical powers to summon evil forces. And of course it’s totally true: Every woman I knew who once wore revealing clothes has now vanished. It’s totally true!

Is it just me . . . or are you also tired of hearing the sob stories about Hannah Graham, the missing University of Virginia student with the weirdly “sculpted” eyebrows?

It’s just you. And whoever donates money to your “work”. What does her eyebrows have to do with her being missing? Who… what?!

Not that I excuse any crime or violence, but if you walk around alone and drunk in half a shirt at night, this kind of thing does happen. I mean, do people really not get this exercise in the utterly obvious?

Hey, you know what else “does happen”? People arriving home safe, humans not kidnapping other humans, columnists with a shred of decency getting published and paid. It does happen, too.

I’m not sure wearing clothes is an exercise, so much as it is… I don’t know… Wearing clothes?

On Sunday afternoon, while I was at the gym running on the treadmill

That’s exercise. You know, however, that if you trip and fall, you were kind of asking for it by being on a treadmill though since we know that does happen… right?

I watched as every single cable news network broke into Graham’s teary-eyed parents’ press conference. Her father held up some silly stuffed animal rabbit and blamed her disappearance on the fact that she forgot this lucky child’s toy at home.

Fucking grieving parents, amirite? Booooooring. They should’ve done a dance, re-enacted your favourite Dirty Harry scene, or at least done a comedy act. I hate it when whining parents asking for help get in the way of me using my dangerous treadmill.

But, hey, Debbie, here’s a title for you: When You Use a Gym on Sundays @ Anytime, Cable News Happens. Sorry, but it happens.

In case you’re wondering why she’s mocking the parents for the stuffed animal, here’s what a media outlet reported.

Last Spring Break, instead of hanging around on the beach, she spent a week in Tuscaloosa rebuilding houses,” her father said.

John Graham then pulled out a small, stuffed animal. Hannah’s favorite stuffed animal, BB, was given to the girl when she was less than a week old. But the pair became separated when he dropped his daughter off at UVa. for the start of the semester.

“When I returned home, Hannah had left this little guy behind,” he said. “She was her guardian angel until she returned to school last month.”

Hannah had once lost BB as a child, but the animal was safely returned to her. (wtvr)

That’s pretty heartbreaking, it’s conveying a connection to their daughter as the girl they view her as. I don’t know what kind of person looks at this and thinks “What a bunch of whining fucks”, instead of… almost anything else.

And way to misconstrue what they were saying about the toy. Disingenuous and heartless is nicely packed into a single paragraph for everyone to know to avoid you.

I burst out laughing at this absurdity. I understand these parents are at wit’s end about their missing daughter. But, um, sorry, but her disappearance had nothing to do with this dumb stuffed animal.

Can you please show us where they said this? Second even if they said “This toy is why she’s missing”, how does laughing at them help?

She’s an adult . . . or is supposed to be. And instead of maybe realizing that her disappearance might have had something to do with not acting like one, they blame it on her forgetting the plaything accoutrement of a kid.

You realise that kids and adults get kidnapped, right? That kidnappers don’t go “Oh well, she’s too adult for me!” and don’t kidnap? And again: please show where they blamed the toy. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

Yes, if she had only had her stuffed rabbit in her possession while gallivanting drunk and alone in almost no shirt on the dark streets of Richmond, she’d be fine. Right?

Oh yes, back to her appearance because that’s totally fucking relevant. Because no women ever gets kidnapped, attacked, abused who wears non-revealing clothes, right? Nope. Never.

Here’s a tip about feminism.

Oh shit – what? That’s… that came out of nowhere. Well I suppose it’s where this person’s decency resides.

[Feminism] not only allows slutty women to get drunk and run around in no shirt, but it places responsibility on them and their actions. Or it’s at least supposed to. Or at least, that’s what I thought. Wasn’t feminism supposed to have the mission of women empowering (G-d, I hate that word!) themselves and doing what they need to, to control their lives? That means–or should mean–that if an independent woman (independent even of her childish stuffed rabbit) decides to take it upon herself to wear no shirt, get drunk, and roam the dark streets of an urban setting alone, she’s is empowering herself to suffer a tragic, but preventable, horror. Those are the odds, especially if you’re dressed like Beyonce’s back-up dancers, but you are alone on the streets instead of onstage.

Questions.

1. What is a slutty woman?
2. Why do you care what she was wearing?
3. When you write “she’s is empowering herself to suffer a tragic, but preventable, horror” you realise someone does the horror, right? Otherwise that line reads like she’s a witch summoning dark forces. You realise that it’s possible for most people not to hurt or harm her, no matter what she is – or isn’t – wearing according to your Taliban-esque standards? Speaking of: Aren’t we glad that whole full-cover prevents every completely veiled Muslim women from every suffering abuse? Ever?
4. “you are alone on the streets” – you see, this continues to read like there isn’t a person involved in kidnapping. Alone implies there aren’t other people, when kidnapping means, um, a kidnapper(s). I’m not sure if you’re aware of how kidnapping, assault, abuse happen – but it’s not magic that arises from the alchemical magicks of nakedness.

But anyway, back to your wisdom.

If Hannah Graham couldn’t figure that out, maybe that means she doesn’t belong in college. . . or maybe it just means she’s just as dumb as most of the Kardashian generation of college students. And just as unprepared for adulthood. These aren’t adults. They are overgrown, spoiled children whose parents are worried about stuffed animals because they won’t take responsibility for not having been actual parents.

It’s Hannah’s fault. It’s her parent’s fault. Blah, blah, blame.

We don’t know it’s kidnapping – but you claim something horrible happened to her. So unless the parents did this horrible thing, maybe you should blame the horrible people who possibly do horrible things to innocent people? But of course that wouldn’t fit the comfortable narrative of bad things only happen to bad (i.e. slutty) girls, now would it?

And, yes, please keep going on about the stuffed toy.

Maybe if Hannah Graham’s parents had spent more time impressing upon her the importance of common sense behavior and values, instead of impressing upon her the sucker-esque (un)power of good luck talismans, she would still be here. She’s probably dead, because they cared more about the magic of stuffed rabbits than they did teaching her these things. Or, if they did teach her these things, she clearly didn’t absorb them. Yes, I know, some parents do everything right, and their rebellious kids just don’t take. And, for a second, I thought that could be the case here–her father was quite sympathetic. But that was only until Pops brought out the stuffed rabbit for the cameras. Then, the jig was up.

“The jig”. Yeah… wow. I can’t even try trace the lines of reasoning here, since it’s a busted clump of hateful spite, disgusting slut-shaming, amorality, and utter fucking nastiness. No thanks.

Yes, it’s true, Muslims consider a woman like this to be “open meat,” ready for the taking, and I don’t condone that.”

Whoa… dude. No. What?

But criminals and other malefactors who are roaming the streets in the middle of the night have the same attitude as Muslims, and a girl who takes these risks among them is bringing this upon herself, as Hannah Graham did.

My Muslim family’s attitude to a girl by herself would be to get her home safe. So I don’t think that would match up the criminals you speak of. But yeah: I mean whatever. Muslims are animals I guess. Whatever. Fuck ‘em.

She told her friends she was lost. Well, guess what? Walking around a city at night alone while drunk can result in being lost.

You’re very good at explaining obvious things. Are you going to tell us about how having a car can result in car accidents? Oh, more wisdom please!

It’s not smart. And I have less sympathy for the deliberately stupid. You might earn a Darwin Award from someone, but you earn no pity from me. Yes, everyone makes mistakes and acts foolishly at one or more points in their lives. But this was a big one.

So… fuck her, right?

I pity and feel sorry for women who are snatched and kidnapped in daylight, not those who took endless chances and engaged in blatantly risky behavior.

Ah, yes. Because they … deserved to be kidnapped? What? Why?

I feel sorry for innocent children who don’t know better. Hannah Graham was none of these. And her forgotten stuffed rabbit or the sympathy you might have for her torn up parents doesn’t change that.

You’re really obsessed with that rabbit. Should we start a fund so that maybe you can get one to hug some warmth back into you?

How do you know Hannah wasn’t an innocent child, when there’s plenty of testimony she was an average, harmless, good-natured person – who did charity work. Indeed, even if she was a sex worker, a stripper, a street walker, she didn’t deserve to be kidnapped. These are innocent persons. Why are you saying these things about harmless strangers?

I remember as a high school student when I wanted to walk to my friend’s house at night for a party and my skirt was above my knee. My late father said, “Are you crazy?!” He insisted on walking me and yelled at me for wearing a short skirt alone at night. And I wasn’t drunk. (Heck, my parents wouldn’t even let me see “Risky Business.” They were involved in my life . . . as parents, NOT friends.) My dad had more than a few of those moments with me. Doesn’t sound like Hannah Graham’s dad ever had a single moment like that with her.

Yeah: you know the intricacies of their relationship. Totally. You. Yes. Also, so what? Did you live in a place where dark magic targeted people who showed their knees?

And now she’s probably dead. But, hey, it’s just because she left her magical stuffed rabbit behind.

Seriously?

By the way, my parents never impressed upon me the importance of stuffed animals and taking them to college. Pity.

SERIOUSLY?

Graham’s dad has an English accent.

You continue to amaze with your insight.

But how much you wanna bet he and the mom voted for Obama? People give off cues.

I have no idea what’s happening now. HAVE WE SERIOUSLY REACHED A “THANKS, OBAMA” MOMENT?!

And lax parents who care more about stuffed animals than important life lessons are definitely in the bag for Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Hussein Obama Idi Amin Dada’s hubby.

Ooooh kay.

If you refuse to be responsible parents for your child and you refuse to teach your child to take personal responsibility for what happens to him or her, the odds are greater that you’ll be mourning that child sooner than later.

I look forward to further insights.