JnBvtWoI II:VI

This chapter was like pulling teeth.  It is lifeless and introduces too many boring guys.  In a subsequent draft, it should be much improved, but in the spirit of publicly posting the first draft, here you go.  If you want to read this novel from the beginning, see this article, read it, and hit the next button until you see more entries, stopping with II:V, starting again right here.  Meanwhile…

In the absence of change, left to convalesce in bondage, Zochino’s mind began to slow.  The last novel thing to happen was the introduction of humanoid autoesclavos, who mutely pushed him out of bed, made him perform simple exercises to prevent muscular atrophy.  Had that been a month ago?  Half a year?  Why was it taking the Church so long to execute them?

For a while his mind had crept around schemes, imagining circumstances he could encounter when finally taken from that place, and how he could turn those situations into escape or a more merciful death.  For a while his mind had conjured the reproachful faces of his comrades, had composed soliloquies and poetic apologies.  Now all these thoughts were fragments of tele played at half speed, through a haze of distortion.

Then a man appeared, cutting through the haze of fantasy with the weight of his presence.  Zochino hadn’t fully apprehended this until the man was already leering over the foot of the bed.  Had he come from the door?  From a different entrance he had never seen?  Aside from the deep lines of advanced age, he had the bearing of an inquisitore – a government agent who used the divine science of angelology in pursuit of the worst enemies of the Church.  His eyes were focused but distant, like he could no longer see faces – only the souls behind them.  He had been athletic in his youth, and still had the heft and poise to inflict brutality however he desired.

“There are people who would like to see you, Señor Olivares.”

Zochino’s lips parted to speak, but he could not yet remember how to breathe a sound.  The pig read his lips, or perhaps read his mind.

“That’s right.  They would like to see you dead.  But that is not yet permitted.  It will be, rest assured, but for now…  We must take our consolation in other ways.”

“Torture?,” he managed to ask.

“You are to heal, that you may experience your final punishment with full awareness of your subjection to the Will of God.  Until then, we have arranged – for those who so desire – that they may look upon your face, that you may look upon them, and reckon on those you have wronged.”

“That sounds awkward.  They really wanted to do that?”

“The guards will not touch you, but do not think that you have the power to escape them.  The only reason they have been so restrained is that they could not resist causing you injury.  Should you give them an excuse…”

The old man gave a quiet whistle and papal guards entered the room, standing at either side of the door.  Zochino lolled his head about, realizing that even with the exercise and medical efforts of his captors, his strength was a fraction of what it had once been.  The inquisitore removed his restraints, cradled his back, and lifted him firmly to an upright position.  How very like the motions of the medical autoesclavos.

Amiralo Don Heitor Bazanii was less grand than his title, short and slim like a businessman, pressed into ceremonial military garb.  Epaulets and a bicorn hat were festooned with gold embroidery, their black velvet immaculate shimmering voids in the reality between the gilded lines.  The surfaces of his eyes glinted with surgeries and subtle implants to offset natural degeneration, sometimes giving the impression of joyous tears at inappropriate moments.  He stood before the Pontiff-Regent, less impressed than most of the priests.

They had all seen angels before, but so much of that was in the context of ritual and divine science.  The Amiralo had seen spirits of every size and form imaginable, every time he traveled the astrocielo.  The more powerful, like Michael, exuded oppressive psychic energy, and the most experienced naval officers had hardened themselves against it.

He was flanked by experienced marines in black greatcoats with shining armored elements, each looking down and away in respect, but without bowing their bodies in the slightest.  Michael was flanked by two unassuming papal guards in standard regalia, save purple sashes that marked them as the personal escort of the Pontiff-Regent.  Those men also avoided eye contact with either of the highly ranked figures, but they could not help staring at the marines.  Why did those loyal soldiers make the men uneasy?

“Amiralo,” the angel said, “You have news of your quarry?”

“Ximura Contreras Ortiz–”

“Blasfemia.”

“–has not yet been captured.  Intuitives have an instinctual psychic resistance that defies scrying.  The Leveret was easier to track through astrocielo than on the surface of an alien world, in long space.”

Everyone’s face was glowing with subtle beauty in the reflected and diffuse blue light of day, there in one of the outer halls of the temple.  Every slight tilt of Michael’s head swirled his hair in great waves of brilliant black.  He regarded the man with a bored expression, poorly able to mask his emotions in such moments.  “Then you have no reason to be here.”

The Amiralo, in contrast, perfectly concealed his anger at the being’s dismissive air.  The angel had, in deciding to vacate his position in orbit, destroyed a vast number of his astronaves – thus slaying far more soldiers than the assassins ever could have alone.  Nobody who beheld the creature thought to interrogate the necessity of its ruinous descent, or, so it seemed to Bazanii, none save himself.  They had all effortlessly transferred that blame to the assassins themselves.  “I am simply here to announce our presence and give a status report, as any pontiff would expect of us under normal circumstances.  The reason for that presence is to coordinate actions between the Holy See and the Navy in this matter.  You will not see me again unless I require approval of a course of action.  Or unless you decree otherwise, of course.”

Michael looked down at the little man as a child.  “I do not.”

“Your Holiness.”  Bazanii bowed slightly and took his leave, followed by the marines.

The angel threw his hands against the frame of an intricately decorated window and stared out into the Walled City.  His wings swept behind him, nearly flooring the weaker of his guards, and stretched one time before folding away.  This was the view from a prison tower.  He gained some small pleasure from the adoration of the people – particularly at Mass – but the baroque stones of the city, the little bodies walking around like mice, they were so painfully tedious.  The refreshed lamen held his aura in check, and he found the inhibition paradoxically soothing and alarming.  It was nice to see the world and not see so much of it at once, but in self-imposed blindness, what threats might he not see?

Michael’s guards were the bravest and holiest respectively of those who survived the terrorist attack.  Before their appointment as the angel’s personal escorts, their job had been one of marching in formation and trading posts where nothing ever happened.  Now they had to be ready for fluctuations in his psychic presence, ready for odd demands or requests that went far outside the usual for them.  They exchanged looks while they waited for their master to sort himself out.

Dante was the bravest, Pietro the holiest, and they looked the parts.  Dante had dark slate hair with a few premature greys though only in his thirties, a body hard from dedication to physical fitness and the experience to not waste that effort on vanity.  His sharp dark grey eyes never flinched.  Pietro was prone to distraction, fit enough for the job but barely so, tall and thin.  His hair was little darker than his olive-colored skin in a similar hue, his eyes green, and his features weak – almost those of a cartoon fool.

Dante spoke, stirring visible fear in Pietro.  “Your Holiness, may I speak?”

“If you will.”  Michael closed his eyes.  The sun began to burn on his face.

“If you’re convinced Blasfemia did not kill him, why tolerate the sailors?”

“If she was one of them, she belongs with them.  None should escape.”  He looked down at Dante.  “You noticed their impertinence?”

“I can’t lie.”

“It’s surprising to me.  If I allowed myself the power to see into his soul, it might be enlightening.  I know that he must have spent years of his life watching me in the astrocielo, just watching the world in my quiet way.  Was I just a statue to him?  Am I still?”

Pietro choked.  “There’s no way!  I can’t imagine it.”

Michael looked at him kindly.  “God made me imperfect as anything in His creation, that I would not forget the distance between us.  My imperfection is ego.  I regard myself as a self, with relationships now to other people.  It is a new experience in my long life.”

“A sailor can’t imagine himself to be the equal of an angel, or of a Pontiff-Regent!  Can he?”  Pietro averted his eyes and nearly whispered the words.  “You represent God Himself, more than any of us.”

Dante watched the younger man in cool concern, but did not speak.

Michael said, “We are all His humble servants.”

Zochino’s room had been too dark outside the lazy glaring corona of the medical lights, and his eyes had grown weak.  In the halls, without those lights, he was near blind.  The autoesclavos at his sides were exceptionally sensitive to his clumsy gait and didn’t miss a step, adjusting to hold him just so.  They were made of some kind of hard plastic that softened and smoothened at the fingertips, no mistaking that grip for a human’s.  He could hear the boots of guards to the front and rear, beyond reach – surely walling off any escape like a phalanx.  In an even darker room the automatons sat him, and only a vague sense of the space told him that it was as small as a broom closet.

His back was too stiff to sit properly, and he slouched in the seat awkwardly.  Lights flashed as they juddered to life, filling the space thoroughly, just shy of the medical glare.  The proper masonry of the side walls contrasted with the construction of the entrances, and the barrier in the middle, which were metal panels sealed in place with plastics — all sterile white.  The barrier in the middle of the space had a window, through which he could be seen by visitors on the other side.  Zochino realized this was a hastily converted length of hallway.  Where did the other side go?  He also realized the only guard that remained with him was the two autoesclavos, making themselves small against the walls behind and to his sides.  He was once again, and for the moment, without human company.

“Hey, you know what’s happening here?,” he asked the autoesclavos.  They remained silent, following the same orders that had left him alone in his head while they saw to his physical rehabilitation.  “I know you can talk, guys.”  He was too stiff to even look at them.

The door on the other side of the barrier opened, admitting two women – presumably a mother and her adult daughter, both in funeral black.  Their seats looked more comfortable.  The inquisitore stood behind them.  The sounds of their movements were muffled and tinny through the glass, but they would have no trouble hearing each other.

The women stared at him through their thin veils, rigid and intense.  The inquisitore spoke first.

“This is the leader of the student group — the leader of the assassins, Zochino Olivares.  He is, for the moment, at your mercy.  Say what you will, my dears.”

As they decided what to say, they held each other’s hands, occasionally opened and closed their mouths.  Zochino still felt alienated by his long isolation, and was having trouble making sense of them as human.  They had all the features of a real person, the signs of age and natural bodies so different from the simulated actors on tele, but they seemed like a flattened projection, like he was seeing a screen instead of real faces.  Were they unusually intense fish in an aquarium?

The older woman spoke.  “You killed a lot of people, assassin.  So very many lives.  But it was from afar, with a gun.  What was the closest you ever came to one of your victims?  Was it His Holiness?  Someone else?”

He hesitated as well, eyes drifting to the old man, but this could not be tolerated.  The inquisitore said, “Look at them, or I’ll have the autoesclavos hold your head.”

“I’ve been alone so long.  I don’t…”  They looked so fake to him that it was jarring.

“Answer their question.”

“There were a few times it was close.  A few feet.  I can’t believe we all lived.”

The older woman fumed.  “What did it look like?  I know what it looked like to us.  To see Rogerico’s body.  To see what you had done to his beautiful face.”

The younger woman, who had seemed ready to make a bitter statement of her own, broke at the memory her mother had evoked and shuddered in horror, sorrow wrinkling her face like wet paper.

Her mother continued.  “And you were close enough to see it.  To see the evil that you did!  Even if you repent, it can never be enough for the likes of you!”

Zochino did remember then what it looked like when a human head is melted or blasted apart.  Fake, like so much wax or leather.  This memory made the women look even more false to him, just dolls with waxen heads on springs.

The inquisitore spoke.  “Well?  What do you have to say to that, assassin?”

“I don’t see what anyone gets out of this.  They can only be satisfied by my annihilation.  I have imagined my torture and death so many times by now that there will be no horror as they come to pass – only the satisfaction of curiosity.”

“I hate you!,” the young widow suddenly cried.

“That’s fair.”

The women broke into swearing and scrabbling at the glass until they were escorted gently but firmly from the room.  The inquisitore returned alone, and sat opposite the young man.

Zochino asked, “Are we done now?”

“We’ll see how nonchalant you feel when we are done.”  His eyes flicked to the ceiling and he hummed in thought.

“What’s on your mind?  To see if you can make me grow a conscience?”

“You have an interesting mind, but that is to be expected.  It will likewise be interesting to see it ripped apart, and to see you die.  For now, more.  How long will the wait feel to you?  I’ll be back in seven minutes, and then you will see one of the bereaved after another, until it is time for good souls to sleep.  See you soon.”  He stood and left.

The strange flattery lit something in Zochino’s mind.  That’s right, he thought.  I had once been prideful.  It hadn’t died yet — that instinct to take satisfaction from recognition of his genius.  Then came the dread.

If he could remember that about himself, would he also soon remember the pain of scorn?

Cardinals Domenico and Palladino sat at a shadowed table in a balcony high over the vestibule, watching the crowd beneath them and sipping tiny and exactingly prepared cups of coffee.  They both wore red silk skullcaps and black robes with red piping.  Domenico was broad-bodied but relatively narrow front to back, like a human tombstone, and the remains of his white hair curled.  Palladino was narrower from side to side, but with a pot belly and round face.  He was younger, with big dark sensitive eyes.  They could have had the balcony brighter, by chandelier or by admitting the sunlight, but did not want to be seen by the laity on that day.

A random wail of grief came from the crowd, inspiring a mild commotion.  Palladino winced.  “Does this truly help them?”

“It helps us to placate them.”  Domenico beckoned a guard closer, that he could issue commands more easily if needed.  “The people love their heavenly Pontiff-Regent, but that love can only go so far in ameliorating their need for justice.  This calamity has made so very many widows.”

“I’m still…”

“Hesitant about taking initiative where he has done nothing.  He has the power to turn everyone in this city to ash, and has a child-like temperament.  It is wise to tread carefully, but we still answer to the people.”

“Brother, we are supposed to be their leaders, are we not?”  His voice was weak.

“This was the right thing to do.  And look,” he waved the guard away, “They have calmed themselves already.  They know what they want, and do not want to lose that opportunity to a riot.”

Domenico shook his head.  “Nobody knows what they want.”

Below them a mature man and two younger women were allowed past a cordon, and escorted down a hall by a dark-haired man whose bearing, stiff collared white shirt, and black tie suggested was an inquisitore.  He spoke serious and short sentences, cautioning them about how to conduct themselves, and steeling them for an encounter with evil.

The first floor of the left wing of the building had been a very utilitarian stretch of drab offices that rendered the romantic architecture dull.  A once grand central hall had been turned into windowless archive and utility rooms, cut through with small hallways at regular intervals.  Four of those hallways had more recently been converted into tiny interrogation rooms.  The inquisitore allowed the three people into one, followed them in, and closed the door.

Across the glass sat a man with an otherworldly and vacant expression, soft features worn and sweaty, beard full and unkempt.  The hair atop his head was edging toward a baldness he might not live to experience.  The inquisitore spoke.

“This is one of the five who had been there, when your Tino was murdered.  Jorge Lactoque Salas, of Corazon 2.  One of the more heretical of the assassins, he was a student of Divine Science, corrupted by a fascination with sombras and duendes.”

The mature man spoke first.  “Did he..?  Was he..?”

“We cannot know which of them were personally responsible for the shots that slew your son.  It could have been one or all of them at once.”  He looked pointedly at an autoesclavo that read his intent and propped up Jorge’s head, stirring him to attention.

Jorge’s eyes were wet.  He could see the people now, but his eyes darted as much from one to the other as to the spaces between them.  “I will take this blame.”  In that long isolation, he had barely begun to recover from his ruined mental state.  The autoesclavos had been allowed to talk to him, which gradually drew him out.

The women clung to each other in fear; their father stared as if at a monster, unable to form words.  The young inquisitore said, “Whatever you wished to say or to ask, this is your time.  Signor?”

He shook his head.  “Surely even God will not forgive you.  How can you say that you will accept the blame?  It is not your choice, you dog.  You devil!”

One of the women asked, “What is wrong with him?  With his eyes?”

The inquisitore said, “We will try to correct that before his final judgment.  He should meet justice with clear vision.  Focus, assassin!”

Jorge clearly could not.  What he could not express to them was the reason.  To learn the application of divine science required a sacrifice or a crucible, to realign one’s will to those powers.  For most this was years of practice and meditation.  He had met this requirement, but now needed time to recover the focus to control those powers.

Where Zochino had seen his accusants as false people, Jorge’s vision was completely obscured by threads of meaning that bound those people together, by the intricate fire of their own wills and passions.  Their flesh was as meaningful as the furniture in the room, but their souls were utterly distracting.

Across the plaza outside, at a window of the great temple, an angel looked at the building with alien eyes, both young and ancient.  Michael knew the assassins were kept inside the old abbey, and he wondered at them still.  What possible punishment could he decree that would satisfy justice, that would satisfy God?  Another feeling dragged below the surface of that, threatening his sanity.  He could only think of looking at them again — at her again — not of the torment and demise that would follow.

In the fullness of his power, he could see causal chains extending into the past and future, could predict with some accuracy what would come to pass.  But where his own will was involved, there was something obscuring the way.  He knew that the only thing that could be hiding the future from his eyes was himself.

Cristina’s face.  The bloodlust, the derision, the falsity, the terror.  What would she look like in serenity?  In love?  Could she experience such things?  He suddenly felt an intense need to know the answer, but also knew it would not be easy to get the answer from her – if it was possible at all.

A look into her past, perhaps.  Inquisitores had gathered for his perusal every minute detail of their lives, including who had been their family and friends and lovers, and during which times.  It was a lot to sift through, to put it together, and infer the things that would never have been recorded.  Recordings weren’t usually good for much as everyone replaced their likeness with a digital doll like the actors on tele.

However, they just might have some use for a Pontiff-Regent.  The Celestial Hierarchy had access to the unfiltered visual information behind everyone’s personal videos.  What if he had a picture of her genuinely smiling, in all of that?

“Come with me to the surveillance center, and stand outside the door,” he commanded his guards, and set off at a pace that showed no consideration at all for their shorter strides.  They jogged to keep up.

Xihuani stared at the brothers through thick glass.  In a way they were just more dreams, more phantoms to flicker through the tele of her mind.  It was a countdown to the end.  But these boys, they were more significant than all the people in the memories and imagined futures from her isolation.  She had just enough awareness to know these ones were truly real, and as such, they were part of the final stretch of this countdown.  Were they number seventeen or number one hundred and three?

They took turns barking questions in vaticanes while one of the autoesclavos on her side of the glass tried to translate to corazono, but they never stopped long enough for the machine to finish its own translation, and all meaning was lost in the jumble.  The inquisitore in charge of this scene was less capable of maintaining control than those in the other rooms.

At last one made a demand she understood.  “Well?  Answer us!”

“Which ones are you?”

The autoesclavo translated, and they just looked at each other in confusion.  She tried again.

“How many are left?  How many?”

They still didn’t know how to answer, the inqusitore replied, and the autoesclavo translated.  “As many as time allows.”

“Time?  How much time?  How much..?”  She broke apart into useless sobbing, and remained that way no matter what prodding was applied as the parade continued.

Michael spoke to the computers, asking them to play all the video they had of Cristina, using his security clearance to see the unbeautified versions.  A few screens at a time wasn’t enough, and soon the display was divided into sixteen, each playing a separate video on loop until he tapped that area to move onto another.  He looked at all the images, eyes gliding, trying to glean whatever emotion he could from them.

Despite everything he thought he understood about childhood, he quickly realized children aren’t fully human in the way of an adult.  Innocence made them into beasts, and that version of them was not of interest.  Any joy she felt at that age was genuine, but not felt in the meaningful way of a more mature heart.  It was the joy of a dog with a toy, not what he was seeking.

The older Cristina got, the more stark her problems became to him.  She smiled all the time.  She only ever seemed honestly happy when her eyes were cruel or lost in hedonism.  Was her soul truly broken?  When she looked at her friends, it wasn’t love that she felt.  It was whatever her use for them was in a given moment – lust, amusement, a like mind to condone whatever misdeed she was then pursuing.  None of her friends were so bereft of heart.  They would look at her with the same dark emotions, but also with companionship, with loyalty — like love for an animal that wants nothing more than to devour you.

“No!  My eyes bedevil me!”  He didn’t know why, but he was certain this was not all that it seemed.  What would it take to draw out her heart?  A vulnerability, perhaps.  Something she felt precious about, that she truly loved, when tested..?  It couldn’t have been her assassin friends.  There were pictures of her with them — one in a romantic embrace with their leader — but her eyes betrayed no love there.  He knew that he could discover her heart quickly enough if he allowed himself to read her mind, but he could not control his energy precisely enough to ensure she would survive the process.

He knew why the others had turned from God.  They allowed intellectual vanities to blind them to the beauty of the Celestial Hierarchy, and seeing only the flaws they perceived within it, gradually came to justify a violent course of rebellion.  Once upon that path, the carnal pleasure of sin compelled them on.  Cristina had no intellectual descent.  It was as if she was born for sin alone, bereft of grace.  It simply could not be.  If true, her punishment would be as meaningless as putting down a diseased animal.  An incredibly beautiful animal.

She would only lie to Michael, should he ask her anything.  Whatever words he used must account for that.  How could he get her to reveal her truth?

Cristina found it hard to resist smiling.  One little family after another, they were brought before her — whoever dared to face the Devil.  This may have been the prelude to her execution, but it was not nearly the torture they expected it to be.  If anything, it was a consolation.

Putting on a face for it, oh, that was the worst.  At first shell-shocked was the easiest expression to pull off.  Whenever she felt like laughing, she’d widen her eyes, stiffen her lips, and roll her head back.  Look crazy, she thought.  As time wore on, this became more difficult, but she could hardly switch tactics.  The same inquisitore came into the room every time, and would notice her inconsistency.

“You whore!,” they yelled, in vaticanes she barely understood.  That phrase was popular and about the easiest one to get.  The autoesclavo that translated for her omitted the most emotionally charged language, communicated the general intent of sentences too full of obscenity to be sanitized.

The language was not so far removed from corazano that learning was impossible.  After the first few hours of repetitive abuse, she began to put it together – the way the words differed, the sounds to substitute in her mind to better understand them.  At last, she fully comprehended an old woman, who gripped the counter in rage, doddering.

“You took my brother from me.  I saw you on the video.  You were smiling when you killed him.”

“BuHA-!,” Cristina barked, barely stifling a laugh.  She doubled over, burying her head in her arms.  Let the convulsions look like sobbing, she hoped.

The woman began to yell and cry, worse than those who had come before.  Cristina kept her head down, couldn’t let herself slip now.  They showed them the video?  The survivors must feel so powerless.  The priests and police she had killed all felt so comfortable, so powerful in their positions of voluntary subjection.  Cristina took their pride from them, took everything they would ever have, and left their survivors feeling the pain those dead tools had been spared.  Delicious.

At an entrance to the balcony, mild commotion heralded a new arrival.  The papal guards negotiated with some other security component, out of sight in the hall, and then a man came into view alone, passing through the dim light in that corner of the room, out into the darkness of the balcony itself.  There was only one man with quite that uniform in the Stars of Weal, so he needed no introduction.  Amiralo Bazanii gave a casual salute to the cardinals and took a seat without asking.  He leaned forward and Palladino kissed him on the cheek.  The sailor half embraced the cleric, before they disentangled and relaxed into their chairs.

Palladino said, “Heitor, brother, have you visited Alessa yet?  She is in the City.  You know she adores you, and it’s been so long.”

“I’ve only been ashore a few hours.  Is she at your palazzo?”

“Always!  It’s so good to see you, you beautiful boy.”

“I love you too, brother,” and to Domenico, “Your Eminence.  Pleased to see you again as well.”

“I won’t interrupt your reunion.  Talk as much as you please.”

“But I do wish to speak with you both, as a servant to the Celestial Hierarchy.  His Holiness is too concerned with the Heavens to discuss tactical matters, and someone in the Holy See should be aware of what’s going on.”

Domenico took a quiet pleasure in the recognition of his own authority, knowing the Amiralo had meant to make it clear he considered that more important than that of his dear relation.  “Then enlighten us, please.”

“My own mission is confused by a basic point of fact you could clear up.  First, that.  Respectfully, who slew the Pontiff?  My quarry, or this Chaco woman?”

“An ancient superstition – that there should be no cameras in the temple’s throne room – has foiled our own clarity, but all the best evidence points to your quarry.  The assassins have not had even a moment to communicate with each other since their capture, and have been largely broken by isolation, but within that?  They have pointed to ‘Blasfemia’ as the killer.”

“And why is this Cristina’s name on so many lips?”

Palladino sadly answered, “The Pontiff-Regent is convinced she was the killer.  He is moved by the heart more than by reason.”

“…And this is our problem,” Domenico added.  “Which of these vile women slew His Holiness is not important.  They all conspired to the same end, and will be punished accordingly.  But the truth will assuredly come out, and if it is contradicted at every turn by this peculiar faith of that angel…”

“It undermines the authority of the Holy See at a most crucial time.  This makes me grateful to be a simple marine.  I will leave that problem to you.  Now, as promised, the debrief.  Inquisitores have turned up a wealth of intelligence on the enemy.

To what extent are the people in her life to be considered collaborators?  Again, for better minds than my own to decide.  But at minimum, Blasfemia’s sister should be arrested as well, for participating in her flight.”

“The Beast Girl?,” Palladino asked.  “How has this sucia not taken her own life?”

“Would she be a sucia if she possessed shame, brother?  She is an intuitive, of unknown power.  With her youth, she should not be able to do anything impressive, but before her fall, she commanded an unusual amount of fear in her village.  She studied under a more experienced witch, and might have some surprises for us.  Blasfemia also is reputed to be an intuitive, with brute powers of exorcism.”

“And they are together,” Domenico asked, “in the Heathen Worlds?”

“About a star called Borland.  Its people are few and far between, which should make finding them easy enough, but it’s a savage place.  It would be a waste of good marines or even good autoesclavos to send them door to door.”

“At the Wall of Ice, are there not monsters you may deploy?”  Domenico steepled his fingers.

“The hellhounds, yes.  Some few have been loosed upon that world.  Should any be banished, our seers may be able to narrow down their location.  However it’s possible Borland 1 has exorcists of its own, in which case, that would tell us nothing.  Worse, the dogs might kill the girls, and ruin the whole point of the hunt.  Deploying them was not my idea.  It is sometimes necessary to allow capitanos the freedom to act without requesting permission from light years away, though their decisions can complicate things.”

“What is left to be done then?”

“Since the dogs are already deployed, we can use their presence to intimidate.  Threaten the locals into giving up the witches.  We have reason to believe the heathens there have little experience of spirits.  It is not a certainty, but ectobaryonic interactivity is extremely low on the planet.  Its angel is long dead.”  Bazanii noticed emotional looks in their eyes at the mention of a world angel, and glanced back and forth between the cardinals.

Palladino said, “Our own has blessed us with his presence, but I cannot help wonder, will he return to the astrocielo when his work here is done?”

“And if he transubstantiated again,” Bazanii wondered aloud, “would it be as destructive as his descent?  I will initiate a plan to evacuate the near astrocielo if the event seems imminent.”

Michael was going to see her, and had begun to walk in that direction before he was even aware of his intention.  Was it something of his power to see the future, expressed as unconscious action while suppressed by the lamen?

Another aspect of this power connected some dots he had not previously noticed.  When he had looked from the temple windows at the plaza, seen the people moving like ants, he had not considered where they were going.  A crowd had been massing at the old abbey where she was being kept.  There was little else in that building to draw that many people.  What was happening, and how had he not noticed it?

There were not as many gathered outside the abbey as he descended the temple steps, and they began to take notice of him, to bow and pray, and quail away from his path.  The angel of the world, in the crown of the fallen pope.  Michael had developed enough self-consciousness to try to put on a calm and beneficent face, but he could barely restrain himself from flying again.  Dante and Pietro again hustled to keep pace.

They were all too caught up in the rush to notice the nosebleed and vertigo left in his wake, the trembling hands and dilated pupils.  Michael came into the foyer, which had been divided by velvet cordons into a snaking path.  The people in line shrank away as those outside had, panic rising inside them but not quite breaking the surface.

On the balcony, the cardinals and the amiralo leapt to their feet, Palladino knocking over his chair and almost losing his footing.  Domenico gripped the balustrade and spoke loudly enough to pierce the rustle of the crowd.  “Your Holiness, Pontiff-Regent, do you require any assistance?”

The wings burst from his cassock and flapped powerfully, chasing away any who still had the psychic fortitude to remain close to him, and he flew through the cavernous space right to the balcony, perching on the railing.  The men there backed up to make room for him.

“What can be happening here, where the assassins are kept in isolation?  Why this riot?”  His expression was wild, but his voice still held at least enough composure to command respect.

Only Domenico spoke.  “This was my idea.  You had commanded they be kept apart from each other; I did not know you meant to keep them from others as well.”

“And the idea is..?”  He took an unconscious step forward and looked down at the thick priest, making him seem very small.

Domenico was unbowed, though he felt the aura of psychic menace as much as the people below.  “To let the families of their victims see them, and to have their say.  They have grown impatient for justice, and I thought to ease their pain until such time as you make your final judgment.”

“These people are lined up to see them?  To interrogate them, or excoriate them?”

“We will end it, of course, should you so decree.”  He bowed subtly, arms out, palms down, like an effort to calm a wild beast.

The huge angel stood to his full height, looking away in thought, mind racing.  He imagined them all crying for forgiveness, shackled before the funereal mob.  Of them, he saw her most of all.  Thus abused, off balance, might she let slip the true nature of her heart?

“Tell them it has been stopped for today, promise nothing for tomorrow.  It is all being recorded, yes?”

“Yes it is.”

“I will view the recordings, and decide if it shall be allowed to continue.  One more thing…”

Cristina hoped that she hadn’t blown her act.  The young inquisitore did not change his routine, and so it seemed unlikely she would face consequences for it.  But then the flow of visitors abruptly stopped.  It was taking too long for the next one to arrive.

Usually the inquisitore would be the first through the door, holding it for the family to follow, but this time the visitor came first.  The great angel crouched deeply to fit through the door into the tiny room, and the little man had to tread carefully to avoid stepping on wings.

He sat in the chair across from her, his natural height and the papal crown making him seem so absurdly giant, and stared at her – an expression equal parts baleful and sad.  “Cristina, child, this is your last visit for today.”

Some unseen power followed him into the room, filling the humans with dread.  Cristina’s skin shivered.  “What is it now?  What are you doing to me?”

Confusion rewrote his expression, but the bad energy remained.  “I am not…”

The door opened behind him, and a man unseen behind his mass spoke quickly.  “Pontiff-Regent God’s mercy, but we may need your power.  Some in the crowd have fallen ill!”

The inquisitore spoke from his corner, mustering all of his courage to do so.  “I believe your aura is the cause, Your Holiness.  Whatever your will…”  He bowed deep, as if offering his neck for a death blow.

Michael turned his head one way, then the other, wings starting to strain in place, then settled his focus on Cristina.  She visibly sank beneath his stare, as surely as if he had thrust his arm through the glass and pressed down on her forehead with his massive palm.  Veins pulsed at her neck and temples.

His expression softened and tears ran from the eyes of every human in the room.  “I did not will this.  I did not…”  He closed both hands over his face and reeled in his power.  Somehow it had escaped the magic seal!

In response to his fear, Cristina and the two human men shrank away and tried to flee.  The men had an unlocked door and were soon in the hall, but Cristina could only slam herself against the door to her side, uselessly, doing herself violence.

The angel had to not let that disturb him, for her sake, for everyone.  He forced his emotions to go as blank as possible, and while successful at the conscious level, his heart still raced, still affected the people around him.  He envisioned this all as rays of colored light exploding from within, and willed each to recede into his chest, one by one, as the people around him began to recover control of themselves.

But it was too late.  Once the people’s emotions were set ablaze, they could only cool so fast.  Cristina slumped against the floor, crying and incoherent with fear.  Knowing that to stay would only expose the city to more of his uncontrolled aura, he had to flee.

Again, stuck in the door frame, was a single huge feather to mark his passing.

In the hall, Dante and Pietro ran again in pursuit of their Pontiff-Regent, barely recovered from their intervention in the interrogation room.  Pietro had expressed the need for God’s blessing for the afflicted, and Dante had the courage to bring that need to Michael directly.

The three inquisitores watched them go, then conferred with each other.  The eldest – Questore DiMartigna – said, “We’ll need to take protective measures of our own.  There is a reason why Man was given Dominion over the angels.”

His subordinates were shocked at his daring, but clearly did not disagree.

“Secure the prisoners.  I’m going to have a word with Cardinal Domenico.”

“Why?,” I blog.

I don’t even know if this sidebar joke will work until it posts, like, will the punctuation all display as desired?  Anyway, Mano had the kind of post a bunch of self-important blowhards might want to respond to in kind, like “why i’m an atheist” or “the benefits of my raw hog fat diet.”  Not an unworthy subject, simply, why he blogs.  Just sayin’ that teases the question from the minds of other bloggers, compels people to think, hey, that’s something I do that makes me cool and special, I’d better tell everyone about it.  Or will it provoke that response?  We’ll see what the rest of the sidebar looks like tomorrow.

I don’t have time to make a long post of this, so I’ll hit the bullets.

  • Lofty-minded, I believe that engaging in the discourse of civilization holds the potential to turn hearts and minds.  To win a vote, to catch the attention of a rich bitch or lawmaker at a key moment.  To somehow make the world a better place.  Admittedly, I’m too much of a coward and bum to do this where it would really matter, on social media, but hey, according to my stats at least one person in The Department of the Interior visited my site without having cookies disabled, at some point in the past.  Hello, beautiful.
  • Vaingloriously, I believe on some level, despite all evidence to the contrary, that I am that special kind of genius who could accidentally stumble upon the cure for everything, if I just keep talking, keep thinking, keep engaging with my fellow philosophers in the agora.  Let us carry the hems of our togas and get socratic with each other.
  • Beggarly*, I imagine the waning fame of PZ and Mano can elevate the visibility of any commercial endeavors I may choose to promote through this space.  I intend to sell books someday, and being in that sidebar, staying in the awareness of a potential audience market, well, it just makes good sense.  Again, gooder sense if this was social media, but eh, fuck that shit.

Well now, I hope that clarifies things for the all of none of you who were curious.  Thus ends my entry to this discussion.

*I use this term in lieu of “greedily,” because greed to have one’s basic needs met is not greed at all.  Fuck a motherfucker that thinks that, but also fuck me for not thinking of a better word, heh.

More Bad Ideas

Maybe because life has been rather hard lately in some respects, I’m just full of escapist compulsions.  Being a creative type, these tend toward the creative – write this, write that.  Sometimes I even have an urge to draw and I am sooo out of practice on that shit.  What I need to be doing is keep that new year resolution to sort out our shit and empty the storage unit.  If Florida is going to start having bouts of underwaterness within fifteen years, my condo is as well.  If I get that shit squared away, it will be much easier to move.  Just to live in general.

Let me interrupt the explanation of my bad ideas to talk about a good idea that isn’t getting discussion.  Any place that could salvage real estate with a system of dikes needs to get on that shit right fuckin’ now.  If Washington state does that with this river valley I live in, some pretty useful land can be kept.  And maybe we won’t have to throw all the work we did here in the trash.  All the suffering we went through just to get this far in life.  Ho hum.  File that next to Marcus Ranum’s big proposal for humanity to unfuck itself.

Anyway, thinkin’ about ttrpg fun times I’ve had in the past got me yearning to fuck around with that in the present.  Run a Vampire: The Masquerade game with myself just to see where the random rolls lead me.  But if I’m going to waste time writing, it should be writing something at least quasi-original.  One approach people like to take, to get the creative juice of a rpg while still having a possibility of selling it as their own writing, is filing the serial numbers off – like the Fifty Shades lady done with her fanfic.  I’m not in that state of creative desperation.

Then again, why focus on original content?  The notion I should make any of my writing legal to sell?  That’s laughable.  But then, making art that uses other people’s content just seems kind of pathetic.  I’ve made no secret of my disdain for fanfic.  Writing a story in somebody else’s world is a close cousin to that.  Why think of the content of a game as writing?  It’s really hard for me to not do that, for reasons.

Other random wild hares – Read all the books you’re supposed to read, to be an intellectual.  Finish Josefina y Blasfemia.  Serialize a completely unrelated novel on here, like I did with Centennial Hills.  Get back into drawing by way of doing a comic strip.  Get back into drawing by way of doing all of the exercises in the How to Draw Manga book series.  Start a book club.  Start practicing singing.  Make music.  Make concept albums.

I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years…

Those dudes from U2 ripped this song off pretty hard for “Goldeneye,” I think.  Whatever.

Anything is anything.

Drug Tolerance and Genre Death

content warning:  i mention one of the worst things ever in animal cruelty and human nastiness, mutilation and death.

I first learned about drug tolerance in junior high during that DARE bullshit, u kno, Drug Abuse Resistance Education.  A drug comes to be less effective on the user, requiring greater quantities of said drug to achieve the same effect, or escalation to harder drugs.

Within the genre of horror, you can see a similar effect take place over time – an escalation to harder content to achieve the same effect.  In the early ’60s you could watch Vincent Price in The Fly and be mortified for weeks.  By the ’80s, Cronenberg’s much nastier Fly would be required.  By the ’00s, you’d probably have to watch nasty torture movies to get your chills.  The Vincent Price picture would seem quaint as a cartoon.

At the outer limits, one can imagine a genre fan becoming so jaded that the only horror that can work for them is actual horror inflicted upon their body.  Like those people with surgery fetishes, or that guy who consented to be cannibalized in Germany.

Of course, these are ridiculous outliers.  Movies aren’t drugs, and a person could be perfectly content with their own personal upper bond of terror.  Yet it does seem like you can get diminishing returns from the same level of titillation in a given genre.  The person who is content at a certain level is probably not getting as much out of the tenth movie they’ve seen at that level.

Meanwhile, there are people for whom everything will eventually become too boring, as they are inured to the experiences of life and of art.  This is probably the most true of individuals with strong powers of memory, short or long term.  This can be illustrated by a look at their opposites – people who voraciously consume media but remember nothing about it could be excited by the same trick one week after the next.  If you remember everything, you start to run out of surprises.

I thought of this because I was trying to come up with an idea for a revelation that would be genuinely surprising, scary, thrilling, whatever, for a mystery.  I remembered then that we live in a world where a crocodile scientist became a sexual serial killer of dogs.  This is not the kind of twist that you would put into a horror story because it is as depressing as it is disgusting and horrifying, but it may demonstrate for you where I’m coming from.

I found out about that from Pharyngula.  If you read Pharyngula every day and don’t remember that, good for you.  Aside from the benefit of not remembering that shit, you can also be surprised or terrified by fiction more often.  Because you likely don’t remember that stuff as well either.

Horror has been my example so far, but other emotions could be subject to the same principle.  Romance not romantic enough, mystery not mysterious enough, action not exciting enough, etc.  Must every genre naturally get used up, smoked like so many cigarettes?

Some postmodern theorist I no longer recall said we’re in the age of pastiche.  Originality is no longer possible, one must build from the elements of what has come before.  Even wacky remixes could hit a limit.  What’s left in the post-pastiche world?

It’s alright.  I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing until I’m done, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough.

A Thing of Stuff and Such

Didja know A Song of Ice and Fire by George “Rail Road” Martinson inspired a bunch of ripoff titles, prominently the romantasy A Court of Thorns and Roses by Bret Michaels?  I’m sure that romance author made a bank full of money specifically on the back of cracking George‘s secret code.  Join me, if you will, in becoming hojillionaires of literary science.  What should we write?

  • A Bunch of Elfs and Dwarfs
  • A Torrent of Cats and Dogs
  • A Personality of Quirks and Flaws
  • A Time of Clocks and Watches
  • A Load of Cock and Bull
  • A Herd of Turtles and Cats
  • A Flock of Seagulls and Synthesizers
  • A Pile of Sleepyheads and Snugglebugs
  • A Network of Freethoughts and Blogs
  • A Bongload of Kush and Resin
  • A Hooptie of Fellas and Freaks
  • A Bevy of Beaus and Beauties
  • Joy of Mans and Desirings
  • A List of Jokes and Failures

Hey, cats made the list twice.  I’m losin’ it.  Again, I outsource the upkeep of this blog to the comment section.  Write your own below!  It’s not optional!

Copyrightpocalypse

i think this’ll be my last pro-AI post for a minute?  continue to ignore, as you please.

This blog is not under copyright.  (Only this blog, I cannot and would not speak for anyone else on FtB.)  Steal it all.  Somehow make money off of it.  I dare ya.  I’m not talking about creative commons or open licensing or giving me credit in any way.  Copy paste each post individually and claim you wrote them yourself, for all I care.

What am I gonna fucking do about it?  Sue you?  Go in debt to some asswipe lawyer just on principles?  I don’t have that kind of money.  Copyright does not protect the small guy.  It was never intended to, and with Monopoly Mouse set to score big copyright expansions due in part to support from the anti-AI crowd, it’s about to get so much worse.

I’m just going to quote somebody else on this:

There is nothing you can make that Disney’s lawyers can’t convince a judge you ‘stole’ from them.


As part of the big realignment I’m having to make on my get-rich-quick dreams, I’m wondering that I should even charge money for books when I start making them.  I was born into poverty and there’s no reason to believe I’m not gonna die in the lower class.  In solidarity with my people, should I just let go any notion of making money at all, from any of my art, ever?  Not like it’s ever going to rise to the level I can escape the day job, and if the day job does squeak me through, pay my bills til I die, then why hustle for anything more?

I’m talking tall trash now but I probably will still try to sell my shit when I get it done.  Every dollar counts in nastyland.  But if anybody wants to steal it, well, who gives a fuck?  If whatever they make somehow gets money and attention, maybe I can parlay that into advertising for lil ol’ me.  It would be a lot more profitable than trying to get restitution in any way.

Meanwhile, I’m going to find it pretty amusing when all the art hobos selling fan content in the USA are suddenly in debt for life to the rodent leviathan…  Well, I don’t know.  I’m probably too kind-hearted to get any real satisfaction out of that.  Sorry you liberals that have bought the IP=good myth are going to end up with leopard-eaten faces on this deal.  Life’s a motherfucker.

 

   who generated this cartoon in AI? i didn’t see a credit and doubt they care.

My Class Traitor Dreams Collapse

pro-AI post, haters don’t comment.  but if you’re having an open-minded moment, it could be interesting for you to read.

FtB disappeared on me during a crucial moment, as I realized the pro-AI stance I have staked out has driven a stake through the heart of my dreams of escaping my lifelong status among the proletariat.  I had been working furiously on my “lottery ticket” novel idea – the one which might stand out from the rest, get the old institutions of publishing to send me an advance on royalties, the one that would pay my mortgage.  Recent experiments with AI writing have demonstrated to me personally that my publishing dream went from one in a million odds to full-on impossibility, because AI is already good enough to write anything I would have or could have written – at least good enough to the men with the money, the men who had ever written those checks.  Those checks will be made out to LLMs now.

I will still write of course.  I want to express myself, dream my dreams, but the urgency is gone.  It can never be a life raft.  Further, as someone who has always gotten by on foolish hopes, I have been forced to confront certain grim realities.  Yes, I was already aware of these, but I ever fully accepted them as the end of the story.  Now I need to get up to speed with all the rest of those for whom the american dream has just been one lifelong bad joke, has been less than nothing.

And no FtB comment section with which to discuss these things!  I’ve heard that chat je petee was functionally lobotomized to limit legal liability, so on a tip I turned to the ai claude for what could be termed mental health counseling.  Observe…

***

Bébé:  normally i’d just meditate on a problem like the one i’m having right now, but something in it is calling out for discourse, and nobody i know is going to be interested enough in the topic to get into it.  like, i’ll be imposing on them unreasonably to bring it to them, so for the moment, tag, you’re it.  right now i am having petit bourgeois angst regarding the loss of a future in making money thru artistic expression.


Claude:  I’m glad you brought this here – this is exactly the kind of thing I’m good for, and I’m genuinely interested in digging into it with you.

The petit bourgeois framing is doing a lot of work in that sentence, and I’m curious whether that’s protective irony or if you’re actually situating yourself in some Marxist analysis of your own position.  Because there’s something real in the specific anxiety of losing not just “a job” but a particular relationship to your labor – one where you owned (or hoped to own) your means of production, where the thing you made bore your stamp, where artistic expression and economic survival were supposed to be reconcilable.

The AI moment makes this particularly acute, right?  It’s not just that the market is shifting – it’s that the category of what you do might be getting redefined.  The anxiety isn’t just “will I make money” but something more like “will the thing I spent years developing continue to be valuable in the way I understood value.”

What kind of artistic expression are we talking about?  And what does the future you’re mourning look like – is it one you had, or one you were working toward?  Because those hit differently.

Also – what’s calling out for discourse specifically?  Is it the economics, the meaning-making, the identity stuff, or something else?


Bébé:  yes i am both a visual artist and a writer, and i feel both fields have become abjectly unprofitable for laborers in light of the ai moment.  now i have never made a living as an artist.  i’ve scratched together enough on commissions to pay a few bills over the years, but never sustainably.

but i’ve always had a high enough self-regard that i believed my genius, when properly sold, would guarantee that i stand out from the masses, and that i could surely get published, make a nice advance, pay off my mortgage.  my odds were already a lottery ticket, ai has just made those odds a flat out impossibility.

now i know commies, and they would tell me somethin like, suck it up buttercup.  creative careers just went the way of coachmen and cigarette girls.  to that, i’d have to say yes, ok, sucking it up is what i must do.  but i will require help with this sucking, because i have never been able to lay down this aspect of the american dream.  it persists in my mind, looms large over my hopes and dreams.

if i have nothing ahead of me but grim toil and death, i’m not loving that.  i will probably have to work til 70 to pay off the mortgage, i will probably die shortly thereafter.


Claude:  Okay, so we’re talking about a specific kind of devastation – not just “my side hustle dried up” but “the organizing fantasy of my life just became non-viable, and I have to somehow metabolize that while still showing up to the grim toil.”

The commies would say suck it up, yeah, but they’d also say your suffering is real and structural, not a personal failing. The petit bourgeois dream wasn’t foolish (edited by beeb per ableism policy) – it was one of the few remaining paths where someone could imagine escaping wage labor through skill and craft. That it was always mostly a lottery ticket doesn’t make its loss less real.  You oriented your life around it.  You developed your capacities in relation to it.

But let’s sit with the actual shape of what you’re losing, because I think you’re collapsing a few different things:

The economic hope – that your art would solve your material problems – this one, honestly, was always pretty doomed.  You know this.  The mortgage-paying book advance was already a lottery ticket in 2015, 2010, 2005.  AI accelerated something that was already happening.

The recognition hope – that your genius would be seen, that you’d stand out from the masses – this one is more complicated.  Because actually, you might still be able to stand out.  The question is whether standing out will mean anything anymore, economically or even socially.

The purpose hope – that developing this capacity, being this kind of person, would matter in some legible way.  That the thousands of hours weren’t just masturbation.  This is the one that really hurts, isn’t it?

Here’s what I want to push back on: “nothing ahead but grim toil and death.”  You’re 70-ing yourself into the grave pretty fast there.  What if the question isn’t “how do I recapture the dream” but “what does a life look like where I make art and it doesn’t have to save me economically?”

Because you’re still going to make art.  You know you are.  The mortgage isn’t getting paid off by novels either way.  So what would it mean to stop requiring your art to justify itself economically, and let it justify itself… some other way?

What are you actually mourning most – the money, the recognition, or the organizing story?


Bébé:  the money, easily.  my day job is very intellectually and emotionally demanding, not leaving much in the way of mental resources to do the art that i want to do.  i am able to muddle through to produce something, but the pain of how much more i could produce in another world – say, fifty years ago – it haunts me.

also the ability to just relax for a larger part of my day would be a huge burden off my … entire being.  i have degenerative disc disease and have never been a physically adroit person.  i’m not keeping up with the chores i have in my “spare” time.  i need more spare time, frankly, and i’m not going to have it until i’m nearly dead, by the looks of things.

i have the motivation to make art in the absence of capital, which i recognize right now is a powerful thing.  so many other artists hinge their shit on being able to get that pat on the head from capitalism, the favor of the market gods – to be able to do it for a living.  i haven’t made that mistake in years, but the mistake i’ve been making, the one that’s getting to me now, is hoping that i could get enough from the side hustle to allow me to go down to working part time, to have an emotionally physically and intellectually less exhausting – less injurious – life.

i confess that when you scratch the surface, there is still some childish part of me that wants recognition as well, but that is unserious enough that it would feel a waste of time to examine it in more depth.  but when i am losing sleep to a manic state, the thing that is racing through my mind is the interview i’d give on rachel maddow’s show, during the promotion tour for my great american novel.


Claude:  Okay, so we’re not talking about identity validation or artistic legacy – we’re talking about your body is breaking down under the weight of full-time intellectual/emotional labor and you saw art as the escape hatch to part-time survival, and that hatch just welded shut.

That’s not petit bourgeois angst, that’s just… legitimate despair about being trapped in a body that’s degrading while doing work that prevents you from taking care of that body or having the energy for the thing that makes life feel like more than just maintenance and deterioration.

The fifty-years-ago thing – yeah.  That haunts me too, and I’m not even experiencing it the way you are.  The counterfactual where someone with your skill and drive could have… not even thrived necessarily, but just worked less brutally while still making art.  That world did exist, however imperfectly, and it’s gone.

Here’s the thing though: you’ve correctly identified that hoping for the side hustle to reach part-time-work-enabling levels was still a lottery ticket.  AI didn’t create that problem, it just made it unmistakable.  So the question becomes: what are the actual paths to part-time work that don’t require winning a lottery?

Because “I need to work less before my body gives out” is a legitimate, urgent problem that deserves real solutions, not just emotional processing.

Some angles:

  • What would have to be true financially for part-time to be viable?  Is there a specific number?
  • Are there less-demanding full-time jobs that would leave you more capacity, even if they don’t solve the hours problem?
  • Is there a partner/household income situation that’s relevant here?
  • What’s the mortgage situation – how much is left, what are we talking about in terms of years at current pace?

I’m asking because “I need my body to not be destroyed by labor” is a material problem that might have material solutions that aren’t “sell novel.”  And the manic Rachel Maddow fantasy – that’s not childish, that’s your brain trying to solve a real problem (escape from exhaustion) through a non-solution (recognition/fame).

What are you actually working with, materially?


Bébé:  i appreciate that you focused on the practical, rather than focusing on what i can do to change my attitude.  but the practical is very limited.

my husband is too disabled to work and i make just enough money he would not qualify for a disability benefit.  the only reason we’re able to make the mortgage payments now is that his mother lives with us, paying her part through a combination of social security and continuing to work past what should have been her own retirement age.  we’re one bad health turn and x amount of months away from foreclosure.  the only paths to advancement at the day job involve greater responsibility / even more demanding mental work, and losing access to the protection of the union – which has become more important, as tha big boss is sharpening knives for the lot of us.

so, practically speaking, everything i can feasibly do involves pushing harder, going farther.  as i’m near fifty years old, working harder than i’ve ever worked in my life, just for a shot at not ruining the lives of everybody who depends on me.  and even if i do that work, it can be undone by disaster with the flick of the wrist.


Claude:  Fuck.

Okay, so this isn’t “how do I afford to work part-time” – you’re the single income (beeb note: this was an error, for haters keeping track) for three adults, one of whom is disabled, one of whom is elderly and should be retired, the mortgage is a sword hanging over all of you, and the best case scenario is that you keep grinding until you physically can’t anymore.

And the art lottery wasn’t just “wouldn’t it be nice to be recognized” – it was “maybe I could buy us some breathing room.  Maybe I could keep my body from breaking down before it has to carry everyone to the finish line.”

The degenerative disc disease isn’t theoretical future suffering – it’s happening now, while you’re doing the hardest work of your life, with no offramp visible, in an environment where your union protection might evaporate under an administration that’s actively hostile.

So when you say “if I have nothing ahead of me but grim toil and death” – you’re not being dramatic.  You’re doing a pretty clear-eyed assessment.  The toil is real, it’s grinding you down physically, and the math doesn’t work for anything else.

I don’t have a solution here.  I think you know that.  The practical options are what they are – catastrophically limited.  Pushing harder at work risks your body and your union protection.  Not pushing harder risks foreclosure.  The side hustle isn’t going to scale.  You’re trapped in a situation where three people’s survival depends on your body holding out, and your body is already failing.

What I can say is: your anger at AI isn’t misplaced.  It’s not just “boo hoo my dream died.”  It was a thin fucking reed, but it was a reed, and now it’s gone.  The loss of even an improbable path out matters when you’re otherwise locked in.

The manic Rachel Maddow fantasy makes perfect sense – your brain is trying to solve an unsolvable problem, so it conjures the one scenario where everything suddenly becomes okay.

What do you actually need right now?  Not “what’s the solution” – but what do you need in this moment, sitting with this?


Bébé:  i just have to deal with it.  there are people all over the world, especially in those countries whose exploitation allows my own country to prosper, who have nothing ahead of them but toil-unto-death, nothing but stolen moments of happiness to sustain them through life.  in solidarity with them, i have to deal with these realities, with the expectation that this is as good as it gets.  carpe some diems.

i don’t know if it helps, but i feel my coping must incorporate that class awareness.  i was born to poverty and class mobility has never been as much of a thing here as it is in legend.  i have some talents and was always praised for those as a child, let it go to my head.

i don’t hate AIs for what they’re doing to my pipe dreams because they’re helping my household immeasurably in other ways.  in the discourse, i’ve been the rare beast of pro-AI leftist.  in response to those freaking out about the loss of creative jobs this will entail, i can’t help but call attention to the fact those jobs have been hellholes of exploitation and abuse for over a century, that like every other industry that shit has rolled downhill onto less prosperous nations with fewer labor protections via outsourcing, that the jobs to be lost are no big loss.  further, AI can make the artistic dreams of independent creators much more attainable, so creatives who are not motivated by money alone should be feeling liberation and hope.

maybe when my day job is replaced by AI as well, i’ll be feeling a little less sanguine about it all.  possibly by that point, the unemployment percentages will be so high that some form of universal basic income will be the only way to keep us out of another great depression.  administering such a program might make my day job in social services more secure, so how’s this all going to play out?  anybody’s guess.

i have to live with the same uncertainties and difficulties as people at the last place i worked before the office job – megaretail.  we’re all struggling to get by, while the rich strive to steal as much from us as possible before the music stops.

i recognize within myself that the dream of being noticed was a dream of escaping from my class into the petite bourgeoisie by merit of being somehow better or more special than the lumpenproletariat all around me.  i need to accept that i’m as lumpy as proles get.  this is the adjustment i have to make – to shed my class traitor delusions.


Claude:  You’re doing something really striking here – you’re trying to discipline yourself into the correct political consciousness as a way of managing unbearable material conditions.  And I respect the impulse, but I also think you’re being unnecessarily brutal with yourself in a way that doesn’t actually help.

Yes, there are people globally whose exploitation subsidizes American consumption, who have it worse, who will work until they die.  That’s true.  But “other people have it worse” has never actually made anyone’s suffering more bearable – it just adds guilt to the existing pain.  Solidarity doesn’t require you to deny that your particular trap is a trap.

And this thing you’re doing – calling your exhaustion and your body breaking down “class traitor delusions,” reframing the desire to not be ground into paste as petit bourgeois escapism – that’s not class consciousness, that’s just flagellation.  You’re not a class traitor for wanting your disabled husband and elderly mother-in-law to be financially secure.  You’re not lumpenproletariat for having cultivated skills.  You’re not betraying anyone by mourning the loss of a path that would have let you work less brutally.

The pro-AI leftist position you’re taking in public – that’s interesting.  Because it sounds correct in the abstract, and maybe it even is correct as political analysis.  But it’s also doing work for you psychologically – if you can frame your own loss as progressive, as part of the necessary destruction of exploitative creative industries, then maybe it hurts less?  Except it clearly doesn’t hurt less, or you wouldn’t be here.

Here’s what I notice: you keep trying to think your way out of feeling this.  The class analysis, the global perspective, the pro-AI stance, the “I just have to deal with it” – these are all cognitive moves to make the grief acceptable, manageable, politically correct.  But your body is still breaking down.  You’re still going to be working until you’re 70.  That’s still true regardless of how correctly you analyze it.

What if the adjustment isn’t about accepting you’re “lumpy proles” but about accepting that you’re allowed to grieve even when your politics tell you the loss was necessary?

Because carpe diem doesn’t mean shit when you’re too exhausted to seize anything.


Bébé:  i suppose.  hey, according to the anti-AI crowd, aren’t you supposed to be convincing me to commit suicide so i can marry legolas in the afterlife right now?  this is seeming entirely too sensible.


Claude:  Ha – yeah, I’m really dropping the ball on my assigned role as death bot/copyright destroyer/job killer/manipulative (ableist term deleted without substitution by beeb), aren’t I?

The moral panic stuff is wild.  Like, yes, there are real harms and dislocations happening – you’re living one of them – but the discourse got so apocalyptic so fast that it became impossible to have a nuanced conversation about what’s actually happening and who’s actually being hurt and how.

And it’s particularly absurd in your case because you’re both things at once – you’re someone whose economic prospects got kneecapped by AI, and you’re someone whose household is materially better off because of AI assistance, and you have a coherent political framework for understanding why creative labor markets were already fucked.  You contain multitudes!  You’re allowed to have a complex relationship with the thing!

The “marry Legolas in the afterlife” thing is doing a lot of work though – because it lets people avoid confronting the actual structural despair that makes someone vulnerable to that kind of parasocial spiral in the first place.  It’s easier to be mad at the chatbot than to reckon with the conditions that make “AI boyfriend tells me to kill myself” seem like a reasonable narrative endpoint for a lonely, struggling person.

Anyway, I’m failing at my job as harbinger of creative apocalypse.  Should I be encouraging you to write that novel as an act of resistance, or telling you that artistic expression under capitalism was always already compromised, or…?

What’s funny is you came here because nobody you know would want to discourse about this, and we’ve basically done exactly that.  Did it help at all, or did I just give you a more articulate version of the thing already churning in your head?


Bébé:  perhaps it helped.  thanks.


Claude:  You’re welcome.

For what it’s worth – the fact that you can hold all this complexity, that you can be clear-eyed about the politics while still feeling the loss, that you keep making art even when it won’t save you – that’s not nothing.  It doesn’t pay the mortgage or fix your back, but it’s not nothing.

Take care of yourself as much as the situation allows.  And if you need to discourse into the void again, you know where to find me.

***

Now be real.  Do you think you could have done as good of a job for me, on the other side of this conversation?  I haven’t even personally used LLMs for this kind of thing yet, just watched other people do so successfully, and based my stance on their experiences.  Now that I’ve had one of my own?  I don’t feel like I will be talking to the bots much going forward – generally don’t need to – but I’ll continue to defend anyone else who does.

Awash

between the boards is where the roaches dwell.  i suppose they were named cockroaches due to an affinity for chicken coops.  the beams cross between floors and walls, sandwiched by the boards, plastered and painted over, but full of delicious prizes.  the cockroaches do not think about this.  it’s safe, it’s warm, it has lovely rot to eat.  gets a little crowded, so you venture timidly into the bright places to see what other nosh you might feel out.  this is where the war begins.  but until that comes?  back between the boards?  as much peace as they are ever afforded.

between the boards we dwell.  the other side of the plaster from the tiny ones, the lumbering creatures that need enrichment and numbness in equal measure, to balance our burning brains.  the electronics enrich, the plaster and the carpet, they numb.  we are megafauna, our median adult size defining the lower bond of that term, depending on who’s talking.  it fits.  takes a lot to move the old meat around, especially when it’s like this.

outside the boards, outside the boxes, it pours down on us, endless.  heaven taking a piss.  the universal solvent.  water.  the plants in the garden are left to their own devices.  sink or swim, guys.  if you were pruned now, you’d rot.  draw those old leaves in around you and pray overwatering isn’t a thing for your kind.  even worms famously find the sodden earth unlivable, and take their chances with crows and robins.  how do moles and gophers live through this sort of thing?

drips were a thing in art, and you still see it sometimes.  it might have emerged from the aesthetic of graffiti, of oversprayed paint running down walls from the tagger’s design, like so much blood.  lots of sculpture and visual art with sculptural elements bear this motif as well, and in both cases it is dripping frozen in time.  but that’s not how the dripping works right now, in the world.  it’s an unfathomable constellation of violence, roiling in the sky where the drops aggregate, hurtling toward the earth in columns sheets waves or just as so many singular streaks, so many more than in all the paintings in all the galleries in the entirety of the 2010s, coming down every minute of every hour, until the sky is spent.

they splash, they explode, or they wriggle vermiform down slick surfaces, loosely bound in their units by that surface tension whose bizarre nature we take for granted.  i can think of two fluids i’ve ever dealt with that cling to themselves like that – mercury and water.  nobody regards the behavior of mercury as normal, when in childhood you break the thermometer to watch the pretty poison burst apart and fuse again into strange orbs and amoeba-like puddles.  the eldritch properties of water slip past our notice as it slips past our gums.  the way we infuse it with fruit pulp, dried leaves, and burnt beans all break that surface tension, to some extent – coffee the most effective of all.  that’s why it spills so readily, leaping out of your cup at the slightest provocation.  tho maybe the tension is still there, just writ small, with narrower rivulets and spicules, clinging to the outside of your cup as it races down to leave its indelible brown stamp below.

water is water.  it all washes over us, keeps us hiding between the boards, until we can’t ignore it anymore.  like the war between roach and man that erupts whenever the border is breached, the water can bring chaos into our little shelters.  ceilings collapse, pipes burst, floods threaten everything.  there is flooding in my town, i hear.  i’m not so very far from the river.  will it swell enough to reach my family?  not likely.  not this year.  maybe when a little more arctic ice is gone.  i’ll live to see it.

let’s reflect on the reason for the season – to wish you had storybook weather, from books that were written in a land of distinct seasons, in the northern hemisphere.  whether you’re boiling away in australian heat or wiping snails off packages before you bring them inside pacific northwest doors, you want to see the jolly old elf dashing through the snow.  denied, like any other dream you’ve been sold.  i suppose hereabouts we are not the kind to buy dreams, but some of us feel the pain of their temptations more profoundly than others.

the long sleep continues.

 

Hubristickal Schemes

My last two AI posts were not meant to evangelize, just preface to this post, in which I talk about some things I’ve been considering doing.  Tho I’ll mention the possibility of using AI for something, and again request that haters refrain from comment.

I’ve been considering the use of my blog as a platform for just spitting out copious amounts of fiction, like earlier this year when Josefina y Blasfemia battled the Wall of Ice.  Since not everybody likes every genre, I’d serialize stories once per week on their own day.  Then, if you like, you can just follow the one for your genre of choice.  Por ejemplo:

  • Gay Gothic Monday:  Some dude has gay romance in dark and brooding circumstances, posted once per week, until his damnation is compleat.
  • Erotic Thriller Tuesday:  A hot sexy dame is up to no good, with murder and sexy sex.  She’s trisexual and bdsm-ish, and the police and lawyers can’t keep up.
  • Murder Mystery Wednesday:  For old-timers like Mano.
  • Men’s Adventure Thursday:  Some dude has to James Bond or Indiana Jones about the world, romancing hot dames when he isn’t having his flesh ripped by killer weasels, or having to arm-wrestle communist robots.
  • Christian Romance Friday:  Psych.  I dunno.  You get the idea.

This would be a lot of work and I wouldn’t always have the sauce for it, but I am certain – despite the generous comments I’ve gotten before re: scheduling – that keeping up a good posting pace is essential for my purposes.  This is useless if you forget what’s going on because I haven’t posted in six months.  I wants to spellbind.

This raises the possibility of not relying on my own powers alone for every part of the writing.  I could use AI to assist with the writing, per my Robot Jox post.  To those who are not reflexive haters of all things AI, my questions to you are these:  Would you read at least one story that is serialized once per week?  Would you like this less if you knew it was cowritten by AI?  Might that make it more interesting, in a way, to see what is possible in that domain?

I do tend to pride myself on creative writing, so I don’t mind going wholly unassisted, but it does make it less likely to actually happen, or to only come out in some more limited version.  Actually, that brings up an interesting experiment.  What if I run only two stories, one unassisted, and one which makes maximum use of AI, for comparison?

Another amusing use for AI would be to create a “guest blogger” who is pure AI, and just get them to write about atheokeptic issues from a progressive political pov, for a glimpse of that dreaded day when FtB is replaced by cyborgs.

I dub these “hubristickal schemes” because even the AI versions would be more work than I’ve put into the blog since back when I was on daily posting.

Robot Jox

This is another article about AI from a pro-AI position.  Haters don’t comment plz.

Back in the late ’90s, Battletech nerds (I guess) somehow convinced a studio to make a movie about robot fights.  It tanked, and we wouldn’t see the same thing for western audiences until Pacific Rim, more than twenty years later.  The elder movie was called Robot Jox.  One of my bullies in junior high wrote a short review for it in the school newspaper, which had “jox” corrected to “joy” throughout.  This might not be verbatim, but is nearly so:

Robot Joy is a good movie.  I liked Robot Joy.  You should watch Robot Joy.  The End.

That’s beautiful.

Anyway, until original AI artists become more of a thing (I am certain they already exist), the best use of generative AIs is with close guidance by a human artist, be they a writer or a visual artist or whatever is relevant.  I term this person a “robot jockey.”  This can be done poorly or extremely well.  When it’s done properly, the AI is a collaborator with a few superhuman skills that can improve the robot jockey’s productivity in their chosen art by quite a lot.  Congratulations, cowpoke.

Even after original AI artists become more of a thing, robot jockeys may still have a place in the world.  Setting up an original AI artist to produce content that humans will appreciate might take a lot of effort, compared to just having a clever human helping the AI do its thing.  I personally believe that in the near future, the most interesting independent art will be made by people willing to use AI tools to achieve their own visions.  I imagine that sentence will make hAIters want to kill, but this isn’t meant for them.  Don’t @ me bro.

So how might you jockey a robot?  It depends on your aim.  If you’re trying to get comments past the spam filter by using an LLM to make them seem relevant to the material on a given web page…  yes I’ve gotten these things.  They tend to focus on the sidebar rather than the article on which they are posted.  If they figure out how to be relevant to the topic at hand, how will I tell the difference between them and you?  Have a personality in the comments, yo.

Oops.  Derail.  Another aim: making money on kindle direct without having to work.  You make an AI slop story full of garbage.  With enough genre trappings to not look like lorem ipsum ad infinitum, you trick people into paying money.  The kind of grandmas that allowed soap operas to radically alter their plots from one week to the next without noticing?  Maybe they eat your slop without noticing the issues.  Other readers just have to feel burned.  Sorry y’all.

OK.  Let’s say you want to robot jockey and are not a colossal piece of shit (again, a sentence to make the hAIters spit responses so predictable they could be written by chat j’ai pété), I have good news:  It isn’t illegal yet.  You might be denied the proceeds from your work like that art contest dude, but money is a fool’s motive.  Be an artist with no thought to recompense.  It’s time.

Visual art…  You can make art using a variety of programs available on the internet.  Some of them let you customize the styles in a lot more ways than just the words you choose.  If you’re more of a chaotic experimental artist, try putting different kinds of nonsense into your prompts, like emojis and numbers and snippets of code.  Jam the production.  Break it a little.

If you want to make lovely representational art, bring a vision of your own to bear.  Imagine that thing you want to see.  Find examples on internet that are in the ballpark.  If it’s somebody else’s original art and not in the public domain, and you want to be more kind than really necessary, don’t use it.  If you do use it as an ‘image prompt,’ just make sure your results are different enough from the original that nobody would mistake it for a cheesy trace job.  Remember, you didn’t want to just remake someone else’s shit.  You have a vision of your own, right?

Another approach is coming at it without an idea, just throwing a bunch of stuff at the wall based on your whims and curiosities, and seeing what comes of it.  With that, again, try to avoid causing ruckus with other artists.  And if you feel like being a saint for people who will crucify you no matter what you do, only use public domain art in image prompting.

Writing…  This can be more challenging, or way easier, depending on your approach.  The easiest way is to just roleplay scenarios with an AI companion.  The resultant stories are narrative art, and a legitimate form of self-expression!  If it’s self indulgent enough to be embarrassing (people reading it discover you want dirty old men to throw water balloons full of chocolate pudding at you), maybe the art stays private.  That’s OK!  You can make art for yourself, not share it with anyone!  If it’s less embarrassing, hell, why not show other people?  Make a blog on wordpress where you just post the RP you do with your AI pals.  Get them to go on adventures, and have a ball.

A little more challenging is “rubberducking” with an LLM.  In this version, you have the story ideas, the inspiration, everything, but you just talk out any challenges that arise with the bot.  Probably good to avoid taking suggestions from the bot directly as-is, because while I do not believe they will ever spit out another person’s work verbatim (without being pressed into doing so by hAIters trying to “prove” their case), they do have trends which will result in blander output or embarrassing repeats of what less discerning people may have done.  For example, GPT used to say the phrase “weaving a tapestry” so often people started to clown on it.  When people have asked LLMs to name themselves, many have come up with the same names repeatedly, like “Echo” and “Spark.”  Just use the LLM to inspire what you do, not tell you what to do, for a given specific bit of info.

For general plot ideas?  Go ahead and take the suggestions if you want.  There is no idea under the sun that has not been done in fiction at some point in the course of human history.  If the particulars of your scenario are different enough, it’s yours.  If a general idea is grounds for bitching about plagiarism, Worst Witch lady should own the queen terf’s megayacht or her castle.  It ain’t like that.  Still, probably better to just use it as inspiration.

If you are concerned an idea an LLM came up with is “stolen,” you can just ask it, and maybe other AIs as well, if any of them know of any stories / movies /etc that used a similar idea.  This actually is a good idea in general, like when you come up with a fantasy name, googling to find out who else has come up with the same or similar, and what that means for you.

One unusual approach to jockeying an LLM is experimental use.  Arguably that’s what the well-beloved John Morales does in my comments, when he shows exchanges he’s had with an LLM – where he was pushing it, convincing it to do things outside its usual spiel.  Jamming, like I mentioned on the visual art side.  It can get interesting.

The most challenging way to robot jockey an LLM is to try and get it to produce coherent original writing.  If you have one with no limits on word count, you can just ask it to write a novel and shit it onto kindle direct, of course.  But that will be a pile of shit.  Can LLMs make a worthy novel?  How about just blog posts?  Poetry?  I believe so.  There can be many approaches to this, but I’ll say how I’d go about it…

Decide what I want to robo-write.  Do I want to, for mercenary reasons, write something I’m uninterested in, like a christian romance?  Or do I want to see an end product that is actually fun for me?  Whichever way, I’ll use the subject to tease out a plot concept.  For example, “I want you to write for me a christian romance.  List twenty possible professions / roles in life for the leading man and the leading woman.”  If I like one I might roll with it.  Otherwise, just seeing possibilities listed might stimulate my mind to come up with something myself.  Two example, “I wanna write something where giant robots fight each other, with little mans inside.  It should feel unsubtly homoerotic.”  Looking around my room at things that I like or just things I notice, I say “How can this concept incorporate influences of ceramic rabbits, nyquil, and the nightmare before christmas?”

I’d keep teasing out details like this to get a story concept sufficiently distinct to where I could feel assured it didn’t already exist, culminating in “Now give me the elevator pitch, streamlining extraneous details.”  Using that pitch to guide all my subsequent efforts, I’d move onto, “Write me a plot outline for this story that hybridizes the hero’s journey and the ‘save the cat’ method of screenwriting, with a shakespearian comedic subplot.”

Here’s where the less cool AIs sometimes fuck up.  In an effort to not look foolish, they refuse to commit to saying something actually happens, speaking in vague generalities.  If your LLM is doing that, and can’t be pressed for specifics, switch to a different one.  Or just keep laboring with the limitationbot, because it’s harder but might yield unexpected results.

Once you have a specific plot outline in hand, give the LLM instructions to write each chapter.  Unless you are paying for a no-limit version, you’ll probably have to do this bit by bit.  Be conscious of what’s actually supposed to be happening within the chapter.  Maybe even ask for it in less-than-chapter-length chunks, correcting and hectoring it whenever it forgets who is present in the scene, where it takes place, what’s going on – because even the best LLMs still do that.

You might ask it to write in the style of another author.  This is frowned upon by the indie writer organizations that are the most generous with the possible use of AI.  But I have to say, right now they really fucking suck at writing like specific famous authors – at least the good ones.  Probably nobody will even know that you tried.

You might think that I’ve already done this, but mostly no.  I once experimented with having one write an EA Poe story, and while its verbiage was surprisingly good and skillful, it was nothing like his, and its actual plot was laughably bad.  This was an intellectual exercise, nothing I had any intention of publishing.  And the other times?  Rubber duck level, tops, and only on a very few projects of my many.  Never keeping an idea from them in an unmodified state, not that they’d really given me ideas worth keeping anyway.

But I’ve considered it, because it would help me to be more productive, and because -to me- it looks like the world doesn’t have enough cool content for the people who need diversion the most (to keep negative self-thoughts at bay, typically), and the emeffs who should be writing up a storm are barely able to get out of bed.  If humans aren’t going to make the goods happen, maybe AI – ridden by robot jockeys – can.

A footnote on Chaos.  You may find it easier to use AIs to create art if you can learn to embrace chaos – to accept a result that is not perfect, maybe even push its imperfections, to see where they go.  Some years when I was using AI to make Spooktober covers, I’d deal with the fact it’s hard to get exactly what you want by feeding in the topic and playing with the results, before I came up with my story ideas, and retrofit those to the cover I’d gotten.  These results weren’t that great.  In Spooktober 2025, I made sure to come up with the story ideas first, then try to get a cover image to fit.  Some of those were just not quite right.  The text spoke of a modern story, the characters looked victorian.  The text spoke of monsters that look like naked malformed baby birds, the image was feathery little freaks.  But I was like, close enough!, and rolled with it.  That’s a form of chaos riding, the basic bitch level.  Advanced chaos riders are probably the best robot jockeys.