The Pols down in DeeCee loved taxes a lot
But the Drumpf, who lived up in Manhattan, did not.

The Drumpf hated taxes, refusing to pay’em—
There’s rules to this game, and he knew how to play’em
He rounded up lawyers, accountants, and more
Bankers and mobsters and goons by the score
He gathered together an anti-tax team,
A roomful of experts to plot and to scheme
(And to laugh about Pepe, the internet meme)

He thought, and he thought, and he puzzled some more,
For nearly a minute—till his thinker was sore!
Then gave up, had some supper, and watched some TV:
“Let’s see what the networks all say about me!”
But frankly, in truth, he was mostly ignored
So despite all his efforts, he quickly grew bored
But then! Why, the Drumpf got himself an idea!
A wonderful, horrible, awful idea!
“If I was the guy who’s in charge of it all
I could stop paying taxes and just have a ball!
I’d stand in the office; I’d stand there so tall,
And no one dare say that my hands are too small!”

So he gathered his lawyers and mobsters and goons
(And his son looked through reddit for racist cartoons)
Threw a dart at the board and chose Mexico first
And announced “they’re all rapists! The worst of the worst!”
Each bigot, each racist, each MRA hack,
Heard the Drumpf, and decided “here’s one we can back!—
He’s speaking our language; he’s singing our song!
He’s the one we’ve been waiting to find for so long!”
So with fifteen opponents dividing the vote
(And, in truth, none among them a name of much note)
Drumpf “won”!—well, that is, he achieved a plurality
With a base that was happy with alt-right morality

The Drumpf had a problem he had to address
His base—his support—was a hot racist mess
His message was narrow; it failed to excite
If the audience listening was … other-than-white.
His numbers were diving—not quite as he’d hoped,
When the networks found stories of women he’d groped.
“These stories are fiction! These women are liars!”
The Drumpf wasted efforts at putting out fires—
He needed a target that he could attack
So every reporter’s a “media hack”;
The networks are evil; the papers are bad;
The bloggers are useless; the stories are sad
It all makes the Drumpf and his people so mad
That they long for a past that we’ve never quite had;
They rant and they rave and they scream and they shout
With no contemplation, or moment of doubt;
They’ve far, far surpassed simply “throw the bums out”
But it looks like they’re likely to lose in a rout.

And you. You, there, reading this verse; I mean you!
Please let me entreat for a moment or two:
The Drumpf has his motives; he has his demands;
His legion of minions who heed his commands;
His billions (or millions, or thousands—who knows?)
Of dollars to spend so his legacy grows.
And we—who are we?—why, we’re no one of note
We don’t own casinos; we don’t own a boat
No billionaire father to keep us afloat…
But each of us, each of us… each has a vote.


See also #TrumpDrSeuss

Also, cuttlecap tip to @dd9000 via twitter


  1. John Morales says

    I don’t have a vote though I’ve read this, but… nicely mordant!

    (You don’t disappoint)

  2. Cuttlefish says

    I rarely have to say this, but… I had to look up “mordant”. I am wagging my tail now, though.

  3. says

    Now this one is worthy of Nobel Prize fame,
    And if they don’t give it, it’s to their great shame.
    A new class of literature, “Poetry Mordant”,
    I hereby declare, though the Swedes be discordant.

  4. StevoR says

    @ ^ Memehunter :

    So youre voting for Trump then
    Or just saying home
    Equally effective in what you’ll have done*?

    Coz Johnson you know has no chance at all
    But to act as a spoiler
    And wreck us thing for all.

    Please reconsider. I know a lot of people are now going to likely be too complacent about the November result. Please don’t be among them or be , (will I say it, will I , damn it yes I will!) stupid with your vote.

    A vote for anyone but Hillary Clinton, effectively plays into Trump’s hands.

    At absolute best you just waste your vote and your time and others time for no actual gain at all. At worst, you (inadvertantly) help elect the burning Dumpster fire for four years and cause who knows what harm to who knows how many people who do not deserve that.

    So please, as one who cannot actually vote in in your USA elections but will – like the rest of the world – suffer the consequences of them. Please don’t. Please choose more wisely.

    * Yeah you need a special pronunciation for that to work, stuff it.

  5. StevoR says

    I so wish we could edit here. Dammit. Okay ,.Typo fix :

    So you’re voting for Trump then
    Or just staying home
    Equally effective in what you’ll have done*?
    ‘Coz Johnson you know has no chance at all
    But to act as a spoiler
    And wreck things for all.

    And yes, I know I used ‘all’ twice and sure others could say better than I have but I think this needs to be said.

    Also Johnson who doesn’t even known Aleppo? Or alternatively thatanti-vaxxer Stein? Really? For pity’s sake. No. Please no.

  6. DonDueed says

    Mr. Cuttlefish, sir, there is a typo that ruins the scansion and grammar, all in one go:

    He need a target that he could attack

    I’m quite sure you meant this to be “needed”.

  7. says

    How will voting for Johnson help Drumpf in the least
    If not voting at all will help Hildebeast?
    Such logic is flawed, the math is defective.
    Voting our conscience is a must, not elective.
    Neither hitlerish Trump with his penchant for whores
    Nor compromised Clinton who is trenchant for wars
    Cares to defend our American freedoms at all
    Their world machinations will bring on our fall.

    If someone asked out of the blue what’s a LEPO,
    An acronym? Initials strung all in a row
    Maybe “Legions of East Prussian Organizations”,
    A possible threat to our most-favored nations?
    When grilled by a host with split-second timing,
    What would you have replied and still kept it rhyming?
    Asking “What is a LEPO?” is hardly a blunder,
    How they’ve blown up this molehill is really a wonder.

    Johnson’s a good man, an honest man, smart,
    Businessman builder, an athlete, warm heart.
    He promised me earnestly to cling to the truth,
    To the truth, win or lose, no bullshit, forsooth.
    No one knows everything, only con men pretend,
    Johnson can learn, and more, comprehend.
    With everyone else’s spin out of control–
    Vote for the one decent Johnson when you stand at the poll.

    Conscience counts. Principle counts. Playing numbers games with greater and lesser evils is self-delusion.

  8. Cuttlefish says

    Your line 2 suggests you didn’t catch that StevoR is equating a 3rd party vote with staying home. Neither helps Clinton; it is not the case that “not voting” helps her.

    I’ve commented earlier that I have read the Libertarian party platform, and find far far more I dislike than stuff I agree with. I happen to think that governmental regulation is not merely useful, but necessary, in some cases. I have looked through their platform, I have looked at their character, and neither Libertarian nor Green parties have actually presented qualified candidates.

    But hey, let’s look them over:

  9. says

    John Oliver’s wit can be mordant or mild,
    While his humor is hilarious, not to say wild.
    He’s cut up the candidates, Clinton and Trump,
    That left only Johnson and green Stein to dump.
    One thing is for sure: the elections this year
    Make all sides and partisans gnash teeth or cheer.
    A woman for president? It’s high time that happened,
    But the two-party monopoly we must upend.
    I’m sorry to see Libertarians bug you,
    ‘Cuz your versifying virtuosity makes me want to hug you.

    Thanks for your comment, DC. Someday we should have a discussion of how government regulations expand until we have totalitarian dictatorship. There are already so many laws that all of us are criminals several times every day and don’t know it. The Libertarians are the classical liberals from the start of our country, for individual freedom. The new progressive-liberal-redistributionist-socialist-communist progression will be the end of American freedom. And today’s war hawks, including Hillary, will hasten the day. I am profoundly opposed to war as the method of choice in international relations. Every war is a crime. Every war is insane. Get Hillary to come down off her war horse and I may consider voting for her.

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