Controversial but wholly natural

She knows what’s best for the health of her family, and it’s magical thinking. Reductress:

I’m a mom, a wife, a doula, an urban chicken farmer, a life coach, an extended breast-feeder, a weaver, a kombucha brewer, a yogini, and a Therapeutic Healing Touch practitioner. But most importantly, I’m a mom. And as a mom, I know what’s best for the health of my family: magical thinking.

I have a question. What are her shoes made of? I feel that this is decisive.

She’s not stupid. She’s had tertiary education. She understand how science works.

Science is great. It’s done a lot of good for the world, to be sure. It’s just not right for me or my family.

We have opted for a more controversial but totally natural method called “Please No Bad.”

I like it. I think I’ll adopt it.

She understand how vaccines work, too.

I understand that vaccines bolster vulnerable immune systems by stimulating your body’s natural defenses against disease without actually giving you the disease. I understand that vaccines are safe and effective, and that herd immunity is the best way we have to ensure that young or immunocompromised children don’t get sick and die from terrible infectious diseases that, until relatively recently, were commonplace. I get it. And if you want to live and die by the wholly effective, risk-free, and affordable breakthroughs that Western medicine has produced, that’s fine. That’s your right.

But don’t expect me to come along on that joyride of lies.

What’s her plan? Toxins. It’s all about toxins.

I believe that toxins are in everything, and even though I can’t exactly articulate what these toxins are or where they come from or where they live in my body or what they’re doing that’s apparently threatening my life, I know they’re there. And as a mother, you can be damned sure I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that these imaginary toxins don’t get into the pure white light embodiment of the physical plane occupied by my nine beautiful children. My husband and I practiced magical thinking as a form of birth control, and we have had sex way more than nine times. How’s that for proof?

Read on.


  1. peterh says

    “an extended breast-feeder”

    Is this where the Firesign Theatre got their line, “I didn’t breast-feed you for 14 years for nothing”?

  2. says

    That’s a real hoot! She’s quite a talented satirist. I browsed a bit and can recommend her “Rich Friend Thinks You Would Really Love The Maldives.”

    I’ve had real acquaintances like that. One guy, an Iranian Ayn Rand fan in Britain, was absolutely certain that there were no poor people in America. When I questioned this, he pondered for a moment. On reflection he affirmed, without a trace of irony, “nobody who is anybody.”

  3. sc_770d159609e0f8deaa72849e3731a29d says

    Science is great. …. It’s just not right for me or my family.

    What’s she doing on the fucking internet then?

  4. Eric O says

    I haven’t heard of Reductress until now. There goes my evening… not that I was planning to do anything productive anyway.

  5. Omar Puhleez says

    My husband and I practiced magical thinking as a form of birth control, and we have had sex way more than nine times. How’s that for proof?

    I’d say one Nobel Prize for Medicine coming her way for sure.

  6. Ed says

    Science in general(not just scientific medicine but “science” as such!) isn’t good for her or her family? I guess she posts things on line using magic spells? Do they have electricity and running water in that house?

  7. thephilosophicalprimate says

    I’m a little puzzled that a few commenters here seem to have missed the parody here. I know that sarcasm is by nature imperfect, but here’s a clue: People who engage in magical thinking NEVER actually call what they’re doing “magical thinking.”

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