A horoscope I can get behind


Scorpio Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.

Indeed! My other favorites include:

Capricorn Faith is the evidence of things not seen, which any well-rounded human being must admit is better than only trusting good hard provable evidence.


Aquarius This is a good week to spend with family, which is the kind of advice stupid old Ophiuchus would never have given you.

You can check out the rest here.


  1. says

    Virgo: This would be a good time to beware of those who would make major changes to your dearly held belief systems.Alright. I’ll put down the Dawkins book and back away slowly….

  2. NotThatGreg says

    Ophiuchus (Nov 29 to Dec 17): You like to stay on the sidelines… way on the sidelines. People tend not to notice you. You have trouble hailing taxis, and elevator doors sometimes close on you. Somebody is always in front of you in group photos. On the plus side, you can often quietly ‘charm’ your way into movies and concerts without a ticket. There’s more but I can’t seem to find it. Oh, and also… your symbol is a “U” kind of scribbled out (that part I didn’t make up!)

  3. G.Syme says

    Might you have mentioned it was The Onion earlier? BEFORE I thought it was really and nearly had an aneurysm?

  4. benjamin_sa says

    Bad news for Virgos though: Pluto rising in your sign indicates trouble in your work life, which is problematic because, well, for astronomical reasons, Pluto will be rising in your sign for the next 87 years.

  5. says

    I love the onion horoscopes. My to favorites are “Your tragic life story will bring laughter to millions.”and “The stars really do not care about you.”

  6. says

    This whole thing reminds me of Weird Al’s song Horoscope for the Day:

    Taurus: You will never find true happiness. Whatcha gonna do cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.It’s like they know me, guys. :3

  7. Eric_Rom says

    The illustrations look like a guy drying his junk after taking a shower. Using a snake.Right on.

  8. says

    Ophiuchus (Nov 29 to Dec 17): People’s expectations of you are low. Because you are 1. Try not to vomit today or scratch your own eye. And please don’t cry for five hours straight, your caretaker is weary and would really like to watch his/her stories and relax. Take a nap on the dog and then learn a cuss word.

  9. Jen says

    One day my horoscope read “Today you will be stroked by the velvet hand of love.” It was the best horoscope EVER! Unfortunately it didn’t come true. I waited all day. No velvet hand or hands stroked me. I should have put on a glove and handled it myself.

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