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Feb 22 2012

The gubmint should stay the hell out of people’s bidness!

If there’s one thing my conservative friends agree on, it’s that the government is too damn big. It’s tyranny in the making, and those damn bureaucrats need to stay the hell out of people’s business! Well, except for what happens in womens’ uteruses. Outside of that the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

Wait, one more tiny thing, examining some people’s urine. But outside of womens’ uteruses and the people’s urine, the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

Then again conservatives are big fans of enhanced interrogation and listening to people’s phone calls and reading their email without warrants. OK, but outside of womens’ uteruses, the people’s urine, secret torture and State surveillance of all communications, the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

Well, that’s not entirely right. Many conservatives are real worried about who does what with their genitalia and who marries who. OK, except for what happens inside womens’ uteruses, the people’s urine, secret torture and State surveillance of all communications, the people’s genitalia, and who is allowed to marry who, the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

Wait I forgot. Some conservatives think the government shouldn’t be secular, some even say it should promote one religious sect and/or outlaw or suppress other religions. Sigh … outside of womens’ uteruses, the people’s urine, secret torture and State surveillance of all communications, the people’s genitalia, who marries who, and religion, the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

Uh-oh, there are a lot of conservatives lately who think the government should discourage or ban birth control. Geez … with the exception of what happens in womens’ uteruses, the people’s urine, secret torture and State surveillance of all communications, the people’s genitalia, who marries who, religion, and birth control, the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

Crap, I forgot the battle cry of Drill Baby Drill and the Solyndra scandal, not sure how a government dedicated to leaving people and private enterprise alone is supposed to enable oil and gas drilling, but here we go: outside of what happens in womens’ uteruses, the people’s urine, secret torture and State surveillance of all communications, the people’s genitalia, who marries who, religion, birth control, and energy companies, the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

At least conservatives are unified on one thing: lower taxes! Please, don’t tell me … shit. Ahem, except for what happens in womens’ uteruses, the people’s urine, secret torture and State surveillance of all communications, the people’s genitalia, who marries who, religion, birth control, energy companies, and raising taxes on working families, the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

It’s a good thing conservatives agree that We the People should be able to gather, organize, and petition the big evil government like our Constitution says or … oh man, I’m gonna vomit. OK, except for what happens in womens’ uteruses, the people’s urine, secret torture and State surveillance of all communications, the people’s genitalia, who marries who, religion, birth control, energy companies, raising taxes on working families, and making it illegal for citizens to collectively negotiate with the State, the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

Hmmm … what? Oh yeah, conservatives are pining away for laws permitting police to demand anyone they see hand over their papers showing they are authorized to be Americans. [Deep Breath] Outside of what happens in womens’ uteruses, the people’s urine, secret torture and State surveillance of all communications, the people’s genitalia, who marries who, religion, birth control, energy companies, raising taxes on working families, making it illegal for citizens to collectively negotiate with the State, and asking for papers please, the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

Holy smokes I’m a science writer and I forgot that conservatives want to give the government a line item veto on scientific reality. … Except for what happens in womens’ uteruses, the people’s urine, secret torture and State surveillance of all communications, the people’s genitalia, who marries who, religion, birth control, energy companies, raising taxes on working families, making it illegal for citizens to collectively negotiate with the State, asking to see people’s papers, and vetoing reality, the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

Speaking of which, a lot of conservatives want to redefine microbes and corporations as people! Here  … we … go … again … Everyone all together: Except for what happens in womens’ uteruses, the people’s urine, secret torture and State surveillance of all communications, the people’s genitalia, who marries who, religion, birth control, energy companies, raising taxes on working families, making it illegal for citizens to collectively negotiate with the State, asking to see people’s papers, vetoing reality, and decreeing what counts as ‘people,’ the government should stay the hell out of the people’s business!

Are we there yet? Whew!

So I guess I can see the GOP Teaparty’s point. The government is just too big and powerful already, tyranny is right around the corner. And if we don’t elect more principled Teaparty conservatives to enact that small government agenda above, mark my words, one day soon we’re gonna wake up in a totalitarian nightmare of a country, and wonder where our precious freedoms went.

………………… Vote wisely my friends …………………..

Update: by popular demand

15 comments

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  1. 1
    hjhornbeck

    Bravo, sir. Some day, I’d like to write as good a rant.

  2. 2
    Pteryxx

    *sings* And a partridge in a pear treeeeee!

  3. 3
    F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

    But you forgot “Destroy all my enemies”!

  4. 4
    sunsangnim

    Well done!

  5. 5
    meanmike

    Well said.

  6. 6
    paulb

    All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

  7. 7
    'Tis Himself

    The source of the greatest direct duress experienced by the ordinary adult is not the state but rather the business that employs him. A worker receives more or-else orders in a week from a foreman or supervisor than he or she gets from the police in a decade. If one looks at the world without prejudice but with an eye to maximizing freedom, the major coercive institution is not the state, it’s work.

  8. 8
    ischemgeek

    Reminds me of an argument with my mother: “What has the government done for us?”

    “Roads.”

    “Well, aside from that.”

    “Police.”

    Etc. For about ten minutes. XD

  9. 9
    blindrobin

    Small government, as in very small legislative body with a compliant judiciary to enact and define laws etc.,or not, and a very large body, not government per se, to enforce the same. It’s how fascists do it.

  10. 10
    The Lorax

    Remember that Simpsons Halloween special where the aliens Kang and Kodos impersonated Clinton and Bush so that, regardless of who got elected, the aliens would take over?

    … I kinda feel that way sometimes. Like, not that my vote doesn’t matter, it’s that it doesn’t matter who I vote for. It’s like trying to determine which pile of shit stinks less.

  11. 11
    Strategically Shaved Monkey

    So the author is a closet Pythonist.
    JC be praised

  12. 12
    shepatw

    All in the house that Jack built …

  13. 13
    shepatw

    Or, I should say: “All in the house that built Jack.”

  14. 14
    nathanlevesque

    Wow…well done, excellent satire. I’ll be sharing this one.

  15. 15
    Dalillama, Schmott Guy

    @tis himself #*
    Hear, hear. At my most recent employer I was receiving so many contradictory or else orders that I usually spent my lunch break having a panic attack in the parking lot. I’m an even bigger fan of economic democracy now.

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