It’s Father’s Day, so it’s time to talk about penises


Not by me, oh no — I don’t find them that interesting. But you can talk about them elsewhere.

I’m just curious if this post will blow up into a 1300 comment monster, with all the women telling the men how best to manage their penises.

Comments

  1. David Marjanović says

    I’m just curious if this post will blow up into a 1300 comment monster, with all the women telling the men how best to manage their penises.

    That would be interesting.

  2. says

    Penis exercise sounds like a winnar after reading those quotes.

    Can’t wait to see the serious scientific study on that one… and shouldn’t be hard to get volunteers.

  3. Dick the Damned says

    If we’re talking about penises, maybe one of the Christer lurkers will tell us whether or not the Bible Bogey has a penis.

    Oh yeah, with all that genocide & misogyny, i guess ‘he’ must have one.

  4. Mattir says

    I will take thie daring step of suggesting that men should not treat their penises with enlargement devices and should read the Amazon reviews for a good negative role model about the care and discussion of the penis. Just do pretty much the opposite of what those guys do…

  5. Mattir says

    Gotta post this, from FSTDT

    No, God’s Penis is not a biological organ. I never said God’s Penis was the same as man’s penis. Obviously it wouldn’t be. That is why I pointed out God has a Holy, Righteous Penis. That is to say, it’s not the same as man’s corrupted, fleshy one.

    As I said when this subject first came up, once again: Penises are not just for sex & peeing. It is only because man is evil that he thinks of penises exclusively in those terms.

    Man is made in the image of God the Father. That is the primary reason why man has a penis.

    You cannot insert your evil prejudicial ideas of man’s penis onto God – which is exactly what you are doing. God’s Penis is not equal to man’s penis. It’s really not hard to understand.

  6. Sili says

    Menz could start by not showing their collective penes down the throat of women.

    Figuratively.

    Literal shoving with full consent is a matter, I won’t get involved in.

  7. flatlander100 says

    Mattir @7

    I have to ask: was God’s penis circumcised? Inquiring minds want to know! Surely there is Scripture that will give us the answer.

  8. says

    I tell my boyfriend what to do with his penis all the time.

    “Put your penis in the drawer so your mother doesn’t see it.”

    “This one’s getting worn out. Let’s go penis shopping!”

    “Okay! Ready for the trip up the coast! Did you remember to pack your penis?”

    Strangely, I haven’t tried making any laws about his penis or tried to make any of his concerns about his body all about me.

  9. ChasCPeterson says

    all the women telling the men how best to manage their penises.

    It was Louis with the penis-management advice.

    Apparently, it’s an article of faith. /pun

    that’s not a pun. Is it? Maybe a palindrome?

  10. mythbri says

    “I’m just curious if this post will blow up into a 1300 comment monster, with all the women telling the men how best to manage their penises.”

    o.O

    Until I read that, I never really saw it that way. It would be pretty arrogant of me to barge into a thread regarding what men do with their own genitals and insist that I know more than they do, tell them what they should do with them, tell them that what they think they should do with them is less important than what I think they should with them. But it’s really none of my business unless I’m directly involved somehow.

    I really wish that some men would have this epiphany in the other direction.

  11. Nice Ogress says

    penis is a hilarious word, and it’s fun to say.

    Penis penis penis penis penis.

    That’s all I can really contribute.

  12. Don Quijote says

    A word of warning. If you like pasta, don’t ask for “pene” in a Spanish restaurant.

  13. says

    Well, let me tell you what I was doing with it, and you tell me.

    Article, in the direct sense in that sentence, refers to a dictate/rule set aside for belief and compliance in the Christian faith: god is male, according to the Bible. After all, he’s referred to repeatedly as a father, as a he and looking specifically to men to enforce his will on the world/test their faith.

    Article can also refer to a small household or intimate item, like an article of clothing. The connotation is that they won’t move the article to find out if god has a peen, they’re content to assume peenage: article or no, peenage retroactively justifies the peen as the center of their faith.

    Another connotation is that said article could be removable, by which I mean to refer to the convenience of god’s peen. Ask one Christian if god has a peen, and they’ll probably say no, but ask them who’s in charge, and that peen is all the sudden there and very intrusive to the process of selecting authorities.

    Put together, I mean to suggest that the presumption of masculinity endemic to Christianity is convenient, a matter of self-interest and a matter of willing ignorance.

    So, was it a pun?

  14. says

    Semi-seriously (cue Beavis and Butthead-style giggling that I said “semi” in this context…)

    I wonder how far away the world is from genuinely effective surgical penis enlargements, in the way that surgical breast implants are now commonplace. I mean, there’s got to be big money in it for whoever develops it, and in our capitalist societies that’s normally enough to make it happen.

    I’m asking for A FRIEND, of course….

  15. says

    A word of warning. If you like pasta, don’t ask for “pene” in a Spanish restaurant.

    However you could ask for “Buabaspitzle” in Germany. The priests favourite.

  16. says

    This talk of seeing God’s penis, merely reveals the New Atheist’s sad ignorance of penile theology. No respectable theologian regards God’s penis as a tangible object that can be touched and stroked. These conceptions imply such properties as finite length, finite girth and finite rigidity, which are all epistemologically rooted in the crude positivism of the 19th century. To properly grasp God’s penis, it is necessary to dismantle the naive evidentialism of the New Atheists, and erect a more subtle philosophical framework. It is necessary to move beyond scientism, and allow God to reveal his penis to us.

  17. says

    Au contraire, hyperdeath. I see evidence of amateur theologians measuring god’s peen for effect and impressiveness all the time.

    DEEEEEEEP RIFTS!

  18. says

    #18

    I wonder how far away the world is from genuinely effective surgical penis enlargements

    Apparently (from a Richard Herring podcast*), there’s an operation to ‘unhook’ the penis, which gives you about an extra inch or so, but with stability problems.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_enlargement#Surgery

    There are several surgical treatments, all carrying a risk of significant complications. The Second International Consultation on Sexual Dysfunctions concluded most men will not wish to proceed to surgery when properly informed of the likely outcome and risks of complications.[2]

    The most common procedure is division of the suspensory ligament. Those who advocate this procedure say that, at best, the unerect penis length increases by 2cm

    *probably one of the last AIOTM

  19. carlie says

    How to manage your penis: do whatever you want with it, as long as you don’t inflict it (or stories about it) on people who have not already expressed enthusiastic interest in it. There, I think that about covers it.

  20. says

    carlie: Misandry!!11!!111 Telling men what they can do with their penis…. you’re just oppressing men because you hate them and want them to die (because we all know blue balls are fatal.)

    /snark

  21. Pteryxx says

    I’m a big fan of penises; it’s not their fault some of them have really terrible owners. Heck, and I actually took the OP title rather seriously. So, here are some resources on how wonderful penises can be. ~;>

    Way back when (in intarnet years) NSWATM had a post encouraging men to speak up about their relationship with their penises: if they’d been taught they were unclean and evil, or ugly and scary to women, whether they looked “normal” or not, and all the stupid pressure on men about potency and size.

    This was my favorite from the discussion:

    http://easilyenthused.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-penis-and-this-post.html

    That series is now here:

    http://goodmenproject.com/penis/cocks-rock-part-one-penises-are-attractive

    and this poem makes me squirmingly happy in sooo many ways.


    The Connoisseuse of Slugs

    When I was a connoisseuse of slugs
    I would part the ivy leaves, and look for the
    naked jelly of those gold bodies,
    translucent strangers glistening along the
    stones, slowly, their gelatinous bodies
    at my mercy. Made mostly of water, they would shrivel
    to nothing if they were sprinkled with salt,
    but I was not interested in that. What I liked
    was to draw aside the ivy, breathe the
    odor of the wall, and stand there in silence
    until the slug forgot I was there
    and sent its antennae up out of its
    head, the glimmering umber horns
    rising like telescopes, until finally the
    sensitive knobs would pop out the
    ends, delicate and intimate. Years later,
    when I first saw a naked man,
    I gasped with pleasure to see that quiet
    mystery reenacted, the slow
    elegant being coming out of hiding and
    gleaming in the dark air, eager and so
    trusting you could weep.

    – Sharon Olds

  22. says

    there’s an operation to ‘unhook’ the penis, which gives you about an extra inch or so, but with stability problems.

    You can have stuff injected into them too to make them thicker.


    Increasing penile girth (thickness): this treatment may be performed with a lengthening procedure or on its own. There are two techniques in common use:

    injection of liposuctioned fat, from the abdominal wall or thighs, into the dartos fascia, under the skin of the penile shaft.
    placing grafts of dermis (a layer of tissue from under the skin surface that is well supplied with blood vessels) and fat from the groin or buttock area within the penile shaft.
    -

  23. says

    Pteryxx @28 – What a lovely poem! Thank you so much for sharing that.

    I was really baffled when I learned that many of the straight women I knew weren’t completely enamored with penises. They’re wonderful body parts and there’s just so much personality in them. They’re as unique and lovely as faces and–just like a face–when they’re attached to someone you desire they became entrancing.

  24. No One says

    On this fathers day I would thank my daughter who taught me the meaning of love.

  25. thepint says

    Aw crap – should have noted that the above linked video is Eric Idle singing the penis song from Monty Python’s Meaning of Life.

  26. quoderatdemonstrandum says

    Father’s day and penises:

    For father’s day, I’d like conservative Mohels to stop transmitting herpes to infant boys during circumcision because they believe god ordered them to put their mouth on the baby’s penis and suck the foreskin and blood.

    I just re-read that sentence; if anyone did such a thing without the cover of religion they would be 1) hunted down by an angry mob and killed 2) if they escaped they would be tried, jailed and put on the sex offender’s list.

    You do what to children?

  27. otranreg says

    The pictures in Talisma’s post make evident how aesthetically unpleasing the circumcised penis is: it looks like a Frankenstein monster, for crust’s sake.

    I wonder where the hunchbacked minion is in that photo.

  28. dianne says

    Sorry, it looks like your penises just aren’t all that interesting. Not getting nearly as many comments.

  29. says

    It’s not the penises fault. We need some oblivious women to come along and tell us how our stupid penises are all our fault, and get a flame war going.

    They have to be really dumb women. Also kind of smug and privileged.

    Know any? Send ‘em here.

  30. dianne says

    There are women that dumb. And women that smug. But I know few women who feel privileged enough to feel the need to tell men how to manage their penises. Sorry.

  31. Ogvorbis: Ignorant sycophantic magpie. says

    Don’t you women dare tell me what I can and cannot do with my penis! Having a penis is normal (not like, y’know, not having one, ’cause that is just wrong and if you don’t have one you need to be told what to do and all).

  32. Nice Ogress says

    Ahem. I should be able to this, if I can just get into character…

    *adjusts top hat and silly monocle*

    I SAY THERE, YOU MEN.

    THOSE PENISES ARE TOOLS OF THE PATRIARCHY, AND ARE DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING BAD. PUT THEM AWAY AT ONCE!

    *gigglesnort*

  33. Ogvorbis: Ignorant sycophantic magpie. says

    I hoped my #41 was obviously humour? Wasn’t it?

  34. Sili says

    The pictures in Talisma’s post make evident how aesthetically unpleasing the circumcised penis is: it looks like a Frankenstein monster, for crust’s sake.

    Much though I like my turtleneck, I have to admit that appearance depends on more than just the presence of foreskin. I’ve learnt that from /b/ at least.

    Source: Personal experience.

  35. dianne says

    Having a penis is normal

    Embryonically, a penis will only develop if certain hormones and their receptors are intact. The default normal is female genitalia and that’s what you get (more or less) if you lack things like mullerian inhibiting factor. Men are the odd mutants.

  36. Ogvorbis: Obtuse Man says

    I retract my #41. I was attempting a joke. I failed miserably. I am sorry.

  37. Ogvorbis: Obtuse Man says

    But I always worry. That’s part of who I am. I also apologize too often. Sorry ’bout that.

  38. Shoe says

    @otranreg

    I don’t know that it’s really cool to tell 30% of men globally that their penis looks like a Frankenstein monster. Your personal preferences are your personal preferences, but the goal here should be condemning the practice of circumcision, not shaming the non-consenting victims of it by telling them how undesirable their bits are.

  39. says

    The foreskin as Proof of the Non-Existence of the Abrahamic God? After all, what sort of Intelligent Designer would build a penis with a covering that it then insists must be cut off as soon as the person it is attached to is born, causing much bleeding and screaming and scarring? I mean, cars aren’t designed with extra bits that need to be knocked off in fender-benders when you drive them off the lot.

  40. says

    That’s not your fault, it’s the penis.

    Next time, just point at it–like Tonya Harding with her shoelaces. We’ll know where the fault lies.

    After all, what sort of Intelligent Designer would build a penis with a covering that it then insists must be cut off as soon as the person it is attached to is born, causing much bleeding and screaming and scarring?

    I would have gone with some sort of self-ablating shield, like they had on the old Apollo capsules.

  41. says

    I would have gone with some sort of self-ablating shield, like they had on the old Apollo capsules.

    Well… you know, the “baby teeth” fall out on their own, you’d thing if the foreskin wasn’t needed it would either not exist or fall off on its own at some point.

  42. says

    I saw this thread as an opportunity for some penis punning, but the sorry truth is I just couldn’t pull it off. Taking a swift glans at the thread, it’s obviously I’m out of my depth. In the end, I don’t think my failure makes a vas deferens in the grand scheme of things.

  43. says

    After all, what sort of Intelligent Designer would build a penis with a covering that it then insists must be cut off as soon as the person it is attached to is born, causing much bleeding and screaming and scarring?

    Tsss, this just shows that you don’t understand sophisticated peenology: The foreskin is an extra added so you can cut it off to show how happy you are with your sky-buddy without causing too much loss. It would look quite stupid if you had to run around with anearlobe missing.

  44. says

    I really hope I’m not made in God’s image, or otherwise he’s got a really small knob. Maybe that’s why he’s so angry?

  45. Drolfe says

    Louis, I hope you’ll take this opportunity to tell us more about POEM.

    …please. :D

  46. says

    #29 Having read recently on slashdot about UK IPs snooping everything… well (with the searches I made for that post), I just hope it hasn’t kicked in yet

  47. flatlander100 says

    You’re asking for dumb comments? I don’t know, PZ, I’d say the bar in that regard has already been set pretty high [or low, I guess] with this [included @28]: “NSWATM had a post encouraging men to speak up about their relationship with their penises.

    Still laughing….

  48. robro says

    hyperdeath @21 — Pursuant to your theologically discourse, how many angels can dance on the head of god’s penis? How long does it take to reach fruition? What is the outcome?

  49. Louis says

    Drolfe,

    The Peepee Owners Empowerment Movement is very much in the early stages. We have yet to form a cohesive unit, but we are stiffening our resolve. We shall rise up, proud, erect, throbbing, and assert that we are responsible peepee owners. No more will we be beholden to the Peepee Puppetry Apologists who believe our peepees are easily tugged like marionettes on strings by people with short skirts.

    I saw at least six women today all in short skirts and I didn’t rape any of them. I am standing up for my peepee, it is a proud organ, a rampant and majestic member that only wants the best. And the best is enthusiastic. We POEMists say NO to anything less than fully consensual peepee touching. We want to be wanted, we want to show the PPA scum that our peepees are our responsibility. Don’t hate our peepees, we have the high standards, the self restraint, the power to control our peepees.

    So stand erect with me brothers! Wave your peepees aloft. Hold them in your hands and make them look like they are saying the word “sausages”. No more will we be slandered by the tyranny of PPAs who believe that or peepees are out of our control. Today the peepee, tomorrow the world!

    Louis

  50. says

    Tsss, this just shows that you don’t understand sophisticated peenology: The foreskin is an extra added so you can cut it off to show how happy you are with your sky-buddy without causing too much loss. It would look quite stupid if you had to run around with anearlobe missing.

    When you put it that way… it still doesn’t work, but it makes a little more sense as far as maintaining bilateral symmetry. It looks slightly less stupid than unbalancing the “one on each side” facial feature “thing” that the sky-buddy is supposed to have designed. On the other hand, it still fundamentally violates Improbable Joe’s Bugs Bunny argument for the nonexistence of God: http://freethoughtblogs.com/greta/2011/10/11/from-the-archives-why-%E2%80%9Clife-has-to-have-been-designed%E2%80%9D-is-a-terrible-argument-for-god%E2%80%99s-existence/#comment-25215

    Organs disprove God. Organs that need aftermarket mods to satisfy the designer’s intent are just more nails in a coffin that is at this point more ten-penny than pinewood.

  51. thunk = ∫ SQRRAWK! d(MQG) says

    Given the topic, I have heard some ludicrous arguments in support of circumcision recently.

    One of them went, basically, “Circumcising babies is so much easier than circumcising adults”, and another, “What if they want to have sex with Jewish women?”.

    Or even, “What if you regret not being circumcised” (ties into #1).

    Oh FFS, the idiocy on display; It’s perfectly okay to preform cosmetic medical procedures on newborns because TRADITION.

  52. Agent Silversmith, Feathered Patella Association says

    As the code compiles…

    Much as I expected it, no entitlement-soaked women have wandered in for a pizzle grizzle. Shit, I could even say that mine belongs to me and isn’t the property of anyone else to dictate how it’s treated, and everyone would be cool with that! How remarkably unradical.

    The snake oil shills, as they do, know that insecurity = “Cha-Ching!”. What’s more, when those who shell out in hope of extra heft in the pecker are disappointed, as they inevitably are, they’re unlikely to seek redress. Not many men would want to be known as the guy who stuffed up their penis trying to make it bigger.

    Yeah, the patriarchy hurts men right here, by trying to convince them that to be a real man they’d better be sporting the manliest log’o’wood around. That’s another one of their messages to reject. Far better, if you’re a man, to appreciate your penis and cherish those who’ve been, are, or will be its recipients.

  53. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    It is clear to me that you just don’t get it, guys. Probably a lot of you are liberals or something. (I don’t say that to provoke. It’s the truth.)

    I haven’t read the thread, but I know it is just natural for a woman to want a penis that is big and hard. Face it, nature intended it and all your whining won’t change a thing. (She’s MOTHER nature for a reason, dudes.) So if your penis isn’t good enough, stop whining and do something about it. No real woman is going to wait around while you try to get it up. She needs action NOW, so you have to perform. If you can’t when she wants and where she wants and as many times as she wants, you just aren’t a real man.

    And if you can’t perform on demand, well you are giving her the green light to go all medieval on your ass. Remember, don’t challenge her, because she will react the way she would with another woman who challenged her. She will point and laugh, say tricky snide things, take pictures and put them on the net where normal women will laugh at you, too. And then you never get laid, bro, never.

    I’m just trying to help you guys. You are not emotional enough to really have sex unless a woman explains it. That’s too bad, but that’s the way it is.

    Anybody who says it isn’t so is just parroting the party line around here, which stops real talk about what the real problem is. And that’s just oppression because you can’t take the truth.

  54. mythbri says

    @Lyn #73

    Careful there! They’ll GROUPTHINK at you! Or maybe THOUGHT POLICE you! Beware the minds!

  55. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    I can handle groupthink. They just echo everything. Thought police don’t scare me.

    Go ahead thought police, try and argue with Mother Nature and see who’s wrong real fast.

  56. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    @ Thunk #76

    Oh dang! I have this whole bingo card I’m trying to fill out. You aren’t helping.

  57. says

    It’s that kind of matriarchal bullshit that we men have been suffering under for too long, Lyn. Men have feelings, we do. And we can say snide things, you betcha. And, you know, if we can’t always perform under certain circumstances, well, we’re not machines! It wouldn’t happen if we modelled our society on the writings of John Norman.

  58. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Clearly you didn’t understand what I wrote. I guess it was just too far out of your liberal thought police echo chamber. I meant you men didn’t have the right kind of emotions, obviously.

    This is the problem. Liberal men just don’t pay attention.

    (gotta be hitting 12 or 13 by now)

  59. Geral says

    Isn’t it strange how much attention (literally and metaphorically) our sexual organs receive (male and female)? I think the next thread should be titled, “It’s 4th of July, so it’s time to talk about livers!”

  60. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    @ Geral

    You’re just trying to evade the point I made.

    (14)

  61. Atticus Dogsbody says

    how best to manage their penises.

    Being of an age that in my most furious penis wrangling days I needed my right hand to hold the magazine, I go with the left. Of course, with the internet and all, nowadays a young chap can go left or right with ease. I’m not sure the ladies can appreciate all the subtleties here.

  62. DLC says

    Why hasn’t some woman come along yet and advertised her book on how women can ‘get game’ and score by negging and … oh whatever. (doesn’t matter what the slimy tricks are does it?)
    /cluelessdoodpost.

  63. chigau (違う) says

    I don’t think I understand this Bingo card.

    And was PZ comment @72 an attempt at haiku?

  64. Agent Silversmith, Feathered Patella Association says

    This Mother Nature’s reputation as a gentle benefactor of all femalekind gets a tad tenuous when you take a closer look. I mean, the whole clitoral placement issue, for starters. Then the hymen thing. I mean, how many women can say, hand on heart, that hymen rending improved their first experience of intercourse?

    For someone with the Nature tag, she seems remarkably anthropocentric. While women who like their penises delivered big and hard have the opportunity to find male humans who are sufficiently equipped, there’s no such luck for the female gorilla with this preference. Male gorillas are given a mere stub to carry out their duty, which hardly seems fair. Then you have the female spotted hyena, and her genital setup. Cripes! ‘Sadist’ doesn’t even begin to describe who put that together. It’s almost enough to make me go and believe in evolution.

    So I’m very wary of claims made about what Mother Nature’s done on women’s behalf. I may even suggest that the voracious size queen who posts online humiliation at the first opportunity might just be a tiny bit mythical! By the way, I showed this to twenty other liberal men before posting, and they all approved, saying it was exactly what they would’ve said.

  65. The Vicar (via Freethoughtblogs) says

    @81: Actually, I’d kind of like it if one of the blogs I follow went systematically through the organs and did informational posts on them. It’s been a long time since high school biology class (and I AP-tested out of college biology).

  66. pharylon says

    Even though I’m uncircumcised, I really don’t think it’s cool to tell circumcised men how gross their penises look. Overall, though, pretty tame thread. :)

    So, since there’s no flaming going on, here’s my story. I was born in the late 70s, at the height of the male circumcision rate (http://www.boystoo.com/history/statistics.htm). My father, however, did what was possibly the best thing he ever did for me in his life, which was say “no” to circumcision at my birth.

    As I grew up, I got the impression from raunchy movies and hearing jokes in high school that there was some sort of link between masturbation and hand lotion. But I never really understood it. Did it make it feel better or something? I tried it, but really it just seemed to get in the way. And I didn’t want to say anything or ask any of my friends because I didn’t want to seem ignorant of something so basic. It wasn’t until many many years later that I realized that my uncircumcised brethren needed lotion because they didn’t have a foreskin.

    Incidentally, it’s also handy since it makes things like KY jelly unnecessary. If there’s a little bit of a lubrication problem at the beginning, the foreskin can kind of take care of that (and if the lubrication problem persists, I’m doing something wrong). :)

  67. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Well, really. If that’s what you say Agent Silversmith, Feathered Patella Association, then I’m leaving. You don’t get it! All that slimy “reasonable” and “research”. I don’t have to put up with you being right.

  68. Agent Silversmith, Feathered Patella Association says

    A high viscosity flounce – how exciting, I hardly ever get to see those!

  69. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Agent Silversmith, Feathered Patella Association

    You forced me to return to point out that I have a PhD in Advanced Penisology and have just completed my MA in Commentaryism, specializing in flouncery. The baseless attacks on what I said are clearly just baseless attacks and I am in no way wrong!

    And I will NEVER return to this thread.

  70. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    You should be talking about MY flouncing because I have been baselessly attacked here after speaking the truth.

    And I now will rajkumar leave forever!

  71. Agent Silversmith, Feathered Patella Association says

    Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death – who has left forever but will still know what I’ve said below.

    As a humble software developer, PhD sounds like something I’d do while maintaining my swimming pool. But my unacademic mind interprets your previous spiel as: Someone Is Right On The Internet, But I Won’t Let Them Think They’re All That And A Bag of Chips, Oh No! This Is A One Time Fluke I’ll Concede Out Of Graciousness, As 99% of The Time I Would Crush Them Like A Soggy Grape. And Besides They Will Always Be Handicapped By Possessing A Penis And The Wrong Karyotype To Be A Responsible Owner Operator. Leaving Forever Forever Right This Picosecond.

  72. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    OK Smith (if I may call you that) pretty good summation. I didn’t realize I was that coherent, but I see it now.

    And why not work in femtobarns next? I loves femtobarns.

    And I will continue to rajkumar flounce as justice may require, so there!

    What was this thread about, again?

  73. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    And if I de-railed this thread, then I would be sorry. Very very sorry.

    But it wouldn’t have happened if men had proper emotions and could think clearly about their penises.

  74. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    @ chigau

    I remembered just in time. Thanks for the help.

  75. Agent Silversmith, Feathered Patella Association says

    Smith for Lyn sounds like a reasonable compromise.

    I quite like Planck ticks, myself. I can get things done in half of one, sometimes.

    As for the thread, I think it was about how no self-respecting man should have the temerity to bring his penis anywhere near a vagina until he’s had it surgically and chemically augmented into a monster phallus that he could joust with. After all, Mother Nature is a cruel dominatrix.

    I disagreed at first, but the flouncing, pouting and ad hominems are starting to bring me round.

  76. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Thank you, Smith. Lyn is just fine.

    *ahem* Pout, pouty pout pout

    THAT should end all opposition, then.

  77. Azkyroth, Former Growing Toaster Oven says

    Well, this is quite an upstanding thread, for a change.

  78. says

    The problem isn’t thinking clearly without our penisi, it’s thinking clearly with them. Some men never master the trick, and get all neurotic about following where their penisi lead. I think it’s something to do with blood flow: when the penis is erect, clearly there is less blood to our brain, causing it to grow somewhat fuzzy. Which is obviously deliberate on the part of evolution; when engorged our penisesus are supposed to be our primary organs of thought when we’re aroused. It’s nature’s way.

  79. Agent Silversmith, Feathered Patella Association says

    NelC

    For us men, it’s not the blood being siphoned that’s the problem, but how the erect penis is represented in the brain’s meeting room as a bellowing, boisterous oaf. Someone who’s not the boss, but makes it near impossible for anyone to get a word in edgeways.

    Lyn
    Your pouting has completely defenestrated my ability to make a coherent opposing argument, think rationally or be sufficiently influenced by potential consequences. I hope you’re happy.

  80. anuran says

    quoderatdemonstrandum, it’s not the Conservative mohels who do this. It’s a small subset of the Orthodox, the really whacked-out Black Hat, four generations in this country and still speak Yiddish, Crown Heights and New Square types. My father grew up Orthodox and was the Mohel in the town where I grew up. He had never heard of Metzitzah B’Peh. When I told him about it he was appalled.

  81. Louis says

    Is it okay at this point to mention that I have an enormous cock?

    Seriously.

    He stands straight up in the morning and he gives my wife a shock.

    Louis

  82. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Go out for a meeting, come back, and it’s chaos!

    You men really need a woman to explain all this to you, don’t you? Even when some of you comment with some “facts” it still isn’t enough.

    And as for you Louis, I hope you understand that you had better be totally ready to do precisely as your wife orders prefers you to do.

    *folds arms* There. I believe my work here is done. I will use this for my PhD thesis in Advanced Internetology and Chiding.

  83. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    @ Smith #107

    <snark Like that was hard.</snark

    *Pauses.* Perhaps I meant difficult.

  84. Louis says

    Lyn M,

    I’m not stupid! I do exactly as my wife orders me to do. And it is “orders”! I do what I am told, when I am told, especially when I am told to tell her to do what I want to tell her.

    Except when I don’t.

    I don’t want to make life too easy!

    Never mess with the Mrs.

    Louis

  85. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    I want a notarised confirmation of everything you have said.

    And I certainly hope so! You aren’t bad, for a man. And you know that’s important because I, a white woman, said so.

  86. amblebury says

    Gah, Louis. The odious Ivor Biggun.

    How could you. I thought you were a gentleman.

  87. Louis says

    Lyn M,

    A white woman! WHOA! You are so disadvantaged. You need to be a black woman.

    ;-)

    Louis

  88. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    LOL, I keep forgetting! YOU try being a bizzaro for awhile. I’m all pouted out here.

  89. amblebury says

    I seem to recall a very dreadful song about a certain Mrs Palmer and her Five Lovely Daughters, that a room-mate of mine was terribly fond of singing, very loudly, when she was “in her cups*”



    *i.e. anytime past 0930, most days.

  90. Louis says

    Lyn M,

    Well pouting does take more muscles than frowning or smiling or a ten day work week down the salt mines.*

    Anyway, what have you said that’s bizzaro? Everything you’ve said so far is true, no?

    Louis

    * This is a pub fact told to me by a hard working woman down the pub so it must be truer than anything ever discovered by any man.

  91. Agent Silversmith, Feathered Patella Association says

    @Lyn #107

    Hard always means “highly resistant to changing shape”.

    Except when it doesn’t.

    Difficult is sometimes OK, but it would be wrong, for example, to say “Diamond is the most difficult rock.” Sometimes you can use them together, as in “difficult to get hard”, which of course always applies to concrete.

  92. Louis says

    Amblebury,

    Ahhhhhh the Winker Song. Great song, I’m failing to see your objection. Was it perhaps over exposure and lack of tunefulness?

    ;-)

    Louis

  93. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Gentlemen, you are just trying to pretend that the fact of my awesome superiority frightens you. You take refuge in so-called banter in an attempt to avoid the inevitable realisation that you are all wrong, and I am the sole arbiter of truth and beauty. Also justice and ice cream. And champagne.

    It’s hard to type when you are giggling a lot and can’t stop. But I did it because I’m just that good.

    And now I’m leaving forever. EVER.

  94. amblebury says

    The horror…the horror..

    In all seriousness, Louis, I don’t think I can listen to it EVER AGAIN.

    Lyn M, I find when the pouting’s got a bit much, taking the teeth out for a bit can be restful on the chops.

  95. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    amblebury

    If I did, it would hurt badly. I just find something really cold and press it to my lips. Mumms works pretty well. (It’s for my soon to arrive birthday.)

  96. Louis says

    Lyn M,

    I never have to pretend your awesome superiority frightens me. I, a mere, weak man, have no other option but to be terrified in your matriarchal, vaginocractic, hegemonic gynarchy.

    You women bestride the land like colossi, crushing us weak man-things beneath your kitten heels and castrating us with the special castrat-o-matic attachments on the ankles. You have everything set up in your favour, you get doors opened for you, more money in divorces, women only clubs and so on and so forth.

    All female rapists of men are women, therefore all women are rapists. Don’t you oppress me.

    Louis

  97. Agent Silversmith, Feathered Patella Association says

    I was taking an intellectual, logical and rhetorical beating, and couldn’t figure out why. Then in a flash, I realized what was going on, and put a bag of frozen peas in my lap.

    There is unavoidable male physiology, and there are ways to circumvent it. The trick is landing some telling blows before the frostbite kicks in.

    I’m also leaving forever. If posts under my nym appear, it’s that whole quantum events popping out of nowhere thingummy, and not me sitting here typing.

    Mmm – champagne and icecream.

  98. amblebury says

    You women bestride the land like colossi, crushing us weak man-things beneath your kitten heels and castrating us with the special castrat-o-matic attachments on the ankles.

    That’s just silly. We pay the pool-boy to do that.

  99. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Yes, Louis, I see someone taught you to observe. Men writhing in the streets with slashed trousers have rarely been commented upon before, nevermind linked to the sudden spread of squeaky-voiced chaps with no face hair.

    And kitten heels? Those are for treading on kittens. I only wear spike Tonker-Stompers™ myself. With tiny vials of acid that break off on inpact with flesh.

    Although there was a terrible fuss when I slipped last week and killed someone’s bulldog. C’est la vie!

  100. Louis says

    Lyn M,

    Well the oppressive gynarchy is globally oppressing we men by restricting all the best fashions to women and targeting face cream at you. What if I want to look young? Hmmm?

    And periods. Don’t get me started on periods. You get to pop in a tampon and *POOF* you can roller skate, play tennis like a pro, wear suspiciously tight white trousers and look happy whilst skipping along a beach with your eye candy boy toy, what do men get? Nothing. Fuck all. We’re just the scenery.

    Louis

    P.S. Vaguely serious point: I have recently seen adverts for a film called “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. You might think you are joking when you say we live in bizarro world, and whilst it’s fun to piss about here and make jokes about largely reversing the sexual politics of society, we’re already fucked. I thought the idea of a film called “Snakes on a Plane” was ridiculous. But this? This? Oh we are soooooo already in bizarro world.

  101. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Louis, you know not of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? Same author.

  102. amblebury says

    Indeed, same author. A good read, (particularly for a heretic like myself, who DOESN’T PARTICULARLY HAPPEN TO LIKE JANE AUSTEN!)

    But take heart Louis. Now, whenever air-travel is in the offing, the youngsters kit themselves out with a good supply of those jelly-snake lollies. Then, on the ‘plane they can exclaim loudly and boldly, Who brought these motherf’ckin’ snakes onto this motherf*ckin’ plane!?

    How we all laugh!

  103. Louis says

    I despair!

    {Presses cold compress to forehead, lies down on fainting couch, orders house boy to make a mint julep and fan me as I drink}

    Louis

  104. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    I like Austin, but I laughed a lot in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

    Good night amblebury

  105. Beatrice says

    I like Austin, but I laughed a lot in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

    I didn’t particularly like Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, it was a bit boring to be honest. I’ll try Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, hoping that one’s better.

  106. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    If you know the original, you see some things coming, and they are funny. The story itself is the original, really, with some added silliness.

  107. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Oh, and I agree about Abraham. Not as much fun at all.

  108. 'Tis Himself says

    DOESN’T PARTICULARLY HAPPEN TO LIKE JANE AUSTEN!

    Is such heresy possible???!?

  109. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Perhaps he’s teasing. He’s only a man and they don’t understand subtle emotions.

  110. DLC says

    Louis, stop being such a vagina-tease and go do your duty.
    I know, it’s hard sometimes, to be a member of the penis holding sex, but try. Just close your eyes and think of England. Keep a stiff upper lip, and don’t go off half-cocked. There’s a good chap.

  111. llyris says

    “with all the women telling the men how best to manage their penises.”

    For FSM’s sake, someone has to say it…
    Obviously men aren’t capable of handling their own penises and they ought to let me do it for them*.

    *only the ones I find attractive.

  112. birgerjohansson says

    Hmm. Don’t sharks have two penii… penises… wachamaycallem?

    So if men (and other vertebrates) only have one each, does that mean that Zod used it for other construction purposes, like Adam’s rib? And in that case, which species did Zod create from the leftover penis?

  113. Louis says

    DLC,

    I can’t go and do my duty right now, but when I get home tonight I’ll lie there and look at the wall whilst maintaining More Than A Stiff Upper Lip as best I can.

    Louis

  114. Louis says

    Llyris,

    FINALLY!

    A solution we can all come together on. Brothers, Sisters, let us all gather and handle my penis.

    Louis

  115. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    *Gets her tongs*

    Ready!

    *eyes acetylene torch*

  116. Louis says

    Lyn M,

    Oh you know how to turn a guy on!

    Sticks and stones may break my bones,
    But whips and chains excite me!

    Louis

    P.S. I’ve said this before, but one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard is Stephen Fry’s comment that when he was being bullied at school he used to say something to the effect of “Stop, stop, don’t touch me! I’m becoming dangerously erect!”, and the bullying used to stop.

  117. Louis says

    Ing,

    Harsh but fair. Just one thing: There’s a song?

    Quick, Robin, to the Bat Google!

    Louis

  118. Louis says

    Also my name is not Chris. Just, you know, in case anyone wants to make anything of something I am assuming is a typo.

    ;-)

    Louis

  119. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    *checks flame on torch*

    Oooookay, dude. No one ever said I had very good limits.

    *torch smokes, falters, goes out*

    Or that I did maintenance very well. Sorry, dude.

  120. Louis says

    I has Googled. I has seen Rhianna. I has a shame. My only defence is that I plead abject ignorance of that song. That modification of a children’s rhyme was a joke when I was a kid, so Rhianna nicked it.

    Louis

  121. Louis says

    Help help I’m being oppressed. Come and see the violence inherent in the system!

    Look at these women treading on my freedoms as a man and trying to silence me! Look at how the matriarchal, hegemonic, femocratic gynarchy does down us poor men.

    DON’T YOU OPPRESS ME NON-PENIS HAVER! YOU DON’T KNOW MY PAIN!

    Louis

  122. Lyn M, Purveyor of Fine Aphorisms of Death says

    Have to call it a day now. Hope you all have fun.

  123. says

    Before we commence the stoning of Amblebury for blaspheming the holy name of J*ne of Aust*n, I just have to check… There aren’t any men here, are there?

  124. Louis says

    Ms Daisy Cutter,

    OUTRAGEOUS! I will have you know I am profoundly sober.

    At the moment.

    Louis

  125. Louis says

    NelC,

    {Deep Voice}

    No!

    {Quick Switch To High Pitched Lady Voice}

    No. Nope. No men here. How about that menstruation eh, girls? And don’t even talk to me about water retention.

    Louis