The stars and the planets don’t give half a fuck
For the fates of the people on earth
But astrologers think they can tell us the luck
Of the candidates, based on their birth.
Who will win? Who will lose? How can anyone know?
All the pundits are seeking an answer;
Can we know who will win, who will place, who will show,
By who’s Scorpio, Virgo, or Cancer*?
Although soccer told odds based on cephalopods
They were wrong when predicting the cup
So astrology’s stars, or entreaties to gods,
May be likely to mess it all up.
Though the candidates promise, in diners and bars,
They’ll be faithful, that’s apt to be fiction;
Any outcome that anyone sees in the stars
Is a thoroughly useless prediction.
Some really cool stuff, after the jump:
*I chose Scorpio, Virgo, and Cancer because none of the current candidates were born under those signs. Too bad, really–a Cancer birth would have predicted honesty and intelligence.
Ok… first, a worthwhile link, even though this is a fluff piece. The good people at Word Of Mouth, from New Hampshire Public Radio, ran a bit on a very local story from the Nashua Patch, on astrological predictions for Tuesday’s primary. (The complete results are at this link, as well as a link to the Portsmouth astrologer, for both of you who are interested.)
The astrologer’s final prediction for the top three is Paul, Romney, and Santorum, in that order. Saturn, of course, has a lot to do with how they will place. So when she fails, blame it on the ringed planet. No word on the results based on the entrails of a sacrificed goat, nor on results based on tarot cards, dice throws, tea leaves, Fox News, or necromancy.