How to properly destroy businesses

In the wake of the widespread unrest across the nation following the murder of George Floyd that has resulted in businesses being destroyed and other property damage, the Onion had this piece of advice from private equity specialists.

MINNEAPOLIS—Calling for a more measured way to express opposition to police brutality, critics slammed demonstrators Thursday for recklessly looting businesses without forming a private equity firm first. “Look, we all have the right to protest, but that doesn’t mean you can just rush in and destroy any business without gathering a group of clandestine investors to purchase it at a severely reduced price and slowly bleed it to death,” said Facebook commenter Amy Mulrain, echoing the sentiments of detractors nationwide who blasted the demonstrators for not hiring a consultant group to take stock of a struggling company’s assets before plundering. “I understand that people are angry, but they shouldn’t just endanger businesses without even a thought to enriching themselves through leveraged buyouts and across-the-board terminations. It’s disgusting to put workers at risk by looting. You do it by chipping away at their health benefits and eventually laying them off. There’s a right way and wrong way to do this.” At press time, critics recommended that protestors hold law enforcement accountable by simply purchasing the Minneapolis police department from taxpayers.

Also from the Onion, we have this video of a police officer describing the fear he feels every day that someone might record him brutalizing a civilian.


  1. Mano Singham says


    That those two things were satire should be obvious to anyone.

  2. mnb0 says

    German and Dutch clones of The Onion have had field days as well.

    USA: Afro-American endures police control unharmed.

    Last sentences: Why police officer Michael Barth deviated from the procedure that has been normal for decades is still unclear. In the meantime the police union sharply criticized the frivolity of the civil servant. Following the conclusions of the investigation by the local police Michael Barth has been transferred to desk duty.

    Police officer demands equal treatment: “other cops didn’t face consequences either”

    What makes me sad is that the reactions to this satire are very racist again -- mainly blaming the victims.

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