Religious jokes


Comedian Emo Philips writes to express his pleasure that a joke he wrote twenty years ago has been voted the funniest religious joke of all time, even though people have forgotten that he was the creator. I have to admit that I had heard it before but that I had not even heard of Philips. Here is the joke.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”

He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!”

And I pushed him over.

He also gave some of the other religious jokes that he has come up with that he particularly likes:

  • When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized, the Lord doesn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me … and I got it!
  • So I’m at the Wailing Wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
  • A Mormon told me that they don’t drink coffee. I said, “A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, it keeps you from being Mormon…”
  • I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

    Not bad.

Comments

  1. says

    Is this is a good time to bring out that old story (yet again)?
     
    An atheist and a fundie go out duck hunting together (why I can’t say) and the atheist is having a bad day (though the ducks, presumably, aren’t).
    He fires at a duck. Misses. Says “Fuck, missed!”
    This part can be repeated ad libitum until the point at which the fundie screams out “STOP THIS Profanity or THE LORD GORD will strike you down!!!”
    The atheist (who, as you’d expect, is a reasonable guy) apologises and says he won’t do it anymore.
    And he doesn’t.

    End of story…
     
     

    Until a whole herd(?) of duck fly over. He fires. Misses them all.
    In spite of himself he says “Oh! Fuck, missed!”

    And, lo, out of a clear sky a little cloud appears and a bolt of Heavenly Lightning thunders out of the midst of the cloud.

    And zaps the fundie!
    And a VOICE out of the midst of the cloud, like unto the clashing of cymbals and the braying of great strumpets.
    And the VOICE says “Oh! Fuck, missed!”

  2. moarscienceplz says

    Yes! That is my favorite religious joke too!

    I was lucky enough to see Emo at the Ediburgh Fringe Festival many years ago. I think maybe his humor didn’t translate well into Scottish because I was often the only one laughing, but I almost split my sides. Here he is telling the joke.

  3. philipelliott says

    As a former Catholic, I have to say I don’t get the last on. Anyone have the patience to explain it to me?

  4. colnago80 says

    Seems the Pope was in his study and suddenly he hears a voice from the beyond telling him that he (the voice) is fed up with the religious divisions in the world and is going to combine them together into one religion. The Pope replies that that sounds OK to which the voice says, “by the way, I’m speaking to you from Salt Lake City”.

  5. philipelliott says

    I suppose if I’d heard the joke rather than read it, I would have understood that. At least, that’s what I choose to believe!

  6. Rob Grigjanis says

    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’! There’s no paper on this side either!”

  7. dukeofomnium says

    A plasterer is working on the vaulted ceiling of a Catholic church, when he looks down and sees an old woman praying. For fun, he calls down in a deep voice, “your prayers are answered, my child!” The old woman calls back, “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to your mother!”

  8. Pierce R. Butler says

    Mano Singham @ # 7: … written pun jokes. … a strictly spoken form of humor.

    Not necessarily. Consider this one, with hair re-arranged for plitcal creckness –

    Brunette: I’m going to France!
    Blonde: Wonderful – what for?
    Brunette: I’m going for the Grand Prix!
    Blonde: Oh – I think you might be disappointed.
    Brunette: Huh? Why?
    Blonde: Well, for one thing, that’s not how you pronounce it…

  9. says

    Blonde: Well, for one thing, that’s not how you pronounce it…

    Arr! That’s good!

    I heard one about a blonde who’s walking down the sidewalk, sees a banana peel and says “Oh, NO! I’m going to fall down again!”

  10. says

    Q: How do you know the CIA didn’t assassinate JFK?
    A: He’s fucking dead, isn’t he?

    That’s one of my favorite because it’s all about the timing of the delivery, and if you add “fucking” it drags it just the right amount. Of course nowadays if the CIA had killed Kennedy they’d have used a hellfire missile from a drone and probably hit the crowd of bystanders, and the limo, and Kennedy, and the news would have reported “Al Quaeda #3 killed in Dallas!”

  11. Rob Grigjanis says

    It is a strictly spoken form of humor

    No! One of my favourites was in The Guardian years ago.

    Clint Eastwood playing Tristan would be a case of aggravated Yseult.

    And of course, Peccavi was in a written message.

  12. moarscienceplz says

    That is the problem with written pun jokes. It is a strictly spoken form of humor.

    Sometimes it’s not the pronunciation, it’s the punctuation:

    A panda walks into a bar, grabs a handful of peanuts and munches them, then pulls out a gun and fires three shots into the ceiling, and finally heads back towards the exit. The bartender says, “Wait a minute! What was that all about?” The panda then pulls out a copy of Mammals of the World, opens it and points to a entry. The bartender reads, “Panda – native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.”

  13. rikitiki says

    Billy wants a bicycle and writes down: “Jesus, gimme a bicycle and I’ll be good for a whole year.”
    Thinks a bit, then balls up the paper and tosses it. Writes: “Jesus, gimme a bicycle and I’ll be
    good for 6 months!” Again, thinks, tosses it. Thinks a bit, then goes into his mom’s bedroom,
    grabs her statue of the virgin Mary, gets a towel from the bathroom and wraps up the statue,
    finally stuffing the bundle under his bed. Grabs a paper and writes: “Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…”

  14. OverlappingMagisteria says

    A Catholic priest and a Rabbi whowere longtime friends were talking. The priest asks “Tell me, Rabbi. Have you ever in your life tasted pork?”
    The rabbi lowers his voice and admits, “Yes, one time when I was young and rebellious, I ate some pork.”
    The rabbi then asks the priest, “Tell me, father. Have you ever in your life had sex?”
    The priest blushes and replies, “Yes, one time when I was young and not quite commited to the priesthood, I had sex with a young woman.”
    The Rabbi responds, “It’s a hell of alot better than pork, isn’t it?”

  15. leftygomez says

    A guy walks into confessional and says “Father, I’m 75 years old, I’ve been married for 50 years, and I’ve always been faithful to my wife– until yesterday, when I made mad passionate love with a pair of 19 year old twins.”

    Priest: “How long since your last confession?”

    Guy: “Never. I’m Jewish.”

    Priest: “Well, what are you doing here?”

    Guy: “I’m telling everybody.”

  16. mnb0 says

    Two cartoons translated in jokes (they were topical a year ago)”

    “Pope Franciscus has a Twitter account.”
    “Ah, let’s call him Franciscus 1.0 then.”

    “Not all catholics are happy with the new pope.”
    “Why?”
    “Argentina already has a saint. He’s playing for FC Barcelona.”

    But this one is my favourite as it expresses perfectly our bitterness:

    http://www.nu.nl/de-jager/2013-01-10/1002085.html

    Translation:

    Catholic priest wants to put up pictures of apostates at the wall of his church (this was news last year in The Netherlands – MNb).

    Priest; “Yes?”
    Workman: “We are going to put up the mugs of your colleagues who sexually abused all those kids next to them.”

  17. mnb0 says

    This morning the door ringed. I opened it and I saw a young man. He said:
    “Good morning, sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”
    I replied: “Come inside and sit down.”
    So he did and I offered him coffee. Then I asked him:
    “What do you want to talk about?”
    He answered: “I don’t have the faintest idea – I never got this far until now.”

  18. mnb0 says

    A very pious woman prays daily to her god. She takes a lot of time and is quite noisy. Her atheist neighbour can hear her through the thin walls en often nags her. But she keeps on praying. One day he hears her praying for food, because she almost has run out of money. He seizes the opportunity, buys a box full of good food, places it at her front door, rings her bell and hides behind the bushes. The woman opens and shouts:
    “Thanks oh Lord, you heard my prayer!”
    The atheist jumps from behind the bushes and replies:
    “Gocha! I bought the food for you! Your god is nonsense!”
    But the woman is even more happier …. “Hallelujah! God is great! He made the devil pay for it!”

  19. mnb0 says

    A fundie is caught in quicksand. He has gone down up to his ankles. A fire brigades passes by. One of the firemen asks: “Sir, can we help you?”
    “No thanks, not necessary. My Lord will help me.”

    A while later the fundie has gone down up to his waist. The fire brigade passes by again and again the men ask: “Sir, can we help you?”
    Again the fundie replies: “No thanks, my faith is strong. My Lord will come to my rescue.”

    In the hand only the head of the fundie is visible. The fire brigades passes by for the third time.
    “You still don’t need a hand?”
    “No really, don’t tempt my faith, My Lord will save me!”

    The fundie drowns, arrives in heaven and asks God: “I know I’m naive, but why didn’t you come to rescue me?”
    The Lord answers: “What more do you expect from me? I send the fire brigade three times!”

  20. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    Monty Python’s ‘Life of Brian.

    Still my all-time favourite comedy. So many scenes to chose from there but this one :

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zjz16xjeBAA

    (Some NOT Safe For Work Language there perhaps.)

    Gives you a bit of a taste if you one of the precious few who haven’t already seen it.

    So funny and, I think, so true.

  21. nemistenem says

    Great joke selection, I love this one:

    Pat Robertson goes for a walk in his neighborhood and sees a young kid by a table with a sign: Free Kittens. He goes over an marvels at how cute the kittens are and the kid replies, “Yessir, they’re little xtian kittens!”

    A week later Jerry Falwell is over for a visit and they go out together for a walk and the same kid is there at the Free Kittens table. Pat says to Jerry, “You’ve got to see this, its the cutest thing in the world.” So they go over to the table and Falwell says, “Yes indeed, those are some very cute kittens,”to which to kid replies, “Yessir, they’re little atheist kittens!” Pat exclaims, “Last week you told me they were xtian kittens,” and the kid retorts, “Yessir, they were, but now their eyes are open!”

    (heard told by Matt Dillihunty)

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