Proof positive that all forms of astrology are wrong

This is the Geek Zodiac, a spoof of the Chinese zodiac (the image at the link is larger and easier to read). It’s horrible and wrong.

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I skimmed over that diagram and thought that all the choices were cool and geeky, except…well, this is just me, and you can feel differently…I thought the one I liked least and that was most boring was astronaut. And guess what, I was born in 1957, and therefore I fall under the sign of the Astronaut. Boo! Astrology is bunk! I was most hoping for Undead Alien Pirate, which would have required my mother to be pregnant for 5 years, and then stretch out labor from 1962 to 1965, which I admit would have been a bit cruel.

(This argument is the inverse of, but is just as valid as, the wishful thinking of the religious, who’d really like heaven to be real, therefore it is. I’d really like this zodiac to be false, therefore it is. So there. Ha.)

It must be the tights! They’re constrictive and reduce the blood flow…

Poor Phantom. He looks like he just took a skull ring to the jaw, himself.

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Via Roger Ebert, who as a salve to his ego, suggests that the Phantom is the only sexually active superhero, which is not true! I vividly recall a scene in a Spiderman comic with a blissed out Mary Jane, who definitely looked post-orgasmic, in bed with Peter Parker…and the bedroom was strung with all kinds of webbing all over the place, like the activities had been a bit acrobatic for a while. And at that moment, I realized that Spidey’s mopey ol’ woe-is-me act was all fake, and that there were definitely some side benefits to the super-power biz.

…and Cthulhu trembled, and turned aside in fear and horror

As some of you already know, the universe was revolted by the recent spectacle of Rebecca Black’s hideously insipid autotuned song, Friday. I felt a bit of sympathy for her, however — she’s very young, and her name is always going to be attached that monstrosity. And then there was the fact that there were the parodies, such as Stephen Colbert’s, which although none of them were great, at least always improved on the source material.

Until now.

What could possibly make “Friday” worse than the original? How about changing it to “Sunday” and make it all about going to church?

WARNING: If ever there was a Lovecraftian horror that could enkindle madness and despair, this is it. Do not view if your sanity is fragile. If your mind is strong and you make it through this nightmare, I am not responsible for future impairments.

If you are a Christian, don’t worry. They removed the scary black man who drives through in the middle of the video and replaced him with a couple of dorky white guys.

Gandalf rose from the dead to save you

There is a church in Romsey, Australia which is getting lots of attention because they offer a “Sci-Fi and Fantasy Friendly Church Service,” where people dress up as fantasy characters and wave light-sabers around while quoting Buffy and Bilbo. It’s a weird story, because every church service offered everywhere is fantasy friendly, so what’s the big deal? Obi-Wan and Gandalf are both Jesus-figures, anyway.

Predictably, though, some stuffed shirts are outraged, which just fills me with more appreciation of irony. Says the Baptist minister who hears voices in his head and promises escape to an imaginary paradise after death,

“I don’t have a problem with people enjoying sci-fi, but church isn’t the place to encourage escapism and fancy dress,” Mentone Baptist minister Murray Campbell said.

“It is the time where real people with real lives need to hear the real God speak his word, the Bible.

Another of the men wearing a dress speaks up:

Catholic priest Gerald O’Collins said: “There should be no need to dress it up.

“There is a magical story there already – We just have to start selling ourselves properly.”

At least he’s honest—yes, religion is all about selling magic. The Romsey church is embarrassingly blatant about it, which is nothing new — but their real crime is making the silliness obvious by inviting comparison with openly fictional stories.

Thou shalt not suffer a witch to inspect your junk in the airport scanner

Carole Smith is a Wiccan who worked for the TSA at the Albany airport. Her coworkers didn’t much care for working alongside a witch, so they complained.

…her former mentor in on-the-job training, officer Mary Bagnoli, reported that she was afraid of Smith because she was a witch who practiced witchcraft. She accused Smith of following her on the highway one snowy evening after work and casting a spell on the heater of her car, causing it not to work.

Well, now. If I were her supervisor and Mary Bagnoli told me that story, I’d be checking her locker for a bottle of hooch. What else, did someone at work complain that she turned them into a newt?

I am not the supervisor, though. What the TSA did, after hearing this story and struggling with a little workplace drama, was fire Carole Smith. It seems to me, though, that Smith was keeping her batty beliefs out of the workplace, while it was Bagnoli who was engaging in a little ludicrous harassment. Either way, I came away from this story feeling a little less secure.