Nightmare fuel

It’s morning here, so it’s probably safe to post this now. I read this article just before bed last night, and then I had a nightmare.

I dreamt that I walked into my classroom, and 50 pairs of eyes all turned to me, and they were all wearing Google Glass, and there were all these little red cyborg lights blinking at me. And there I was torn between the horror of my every word and expression being uploaded to Google’s servers, and…wanting one myself.

Don’t worry, though, I knew it was a dream, so I just flooded the whole room with salt water and shorted out their gadgets, and then I turned them all into mermaids and we…well, you don’t need to know.

But still! After the conversation about privacy yesterday, it was a bit worrisome.

But of course we all know what Satan looks like

He’s got to have dark skin, and he’s got to have a surprising resemblance to…

obamasatan

The History Channel is showing some popular pestilential schlock about the Bible, and Satan has to make an apearance somewhere, so they found an actor who fits the popular perception of Satan. Who has a surprising resemblance to Barack Obama.

Or — think about this — maybe Obama has an unsurprising resemblance to Satan. Huh? Yeah? Maybe everyone’s got it backwards, and a cheesy TV show has unveiled the face of the antichrist. (I wouldn’t be surprised if there aren’t wingnuts already making that argument, but seriously.)

Screw it, gimme a steak

As I’ve been shedding the meat from my diet, I don’t need discouragement like this: a fellow ate a vegetarian burrito and picked up a tapeworm from it, which infected his brain. Is there to be no reward for virtue?

Of course, when you think about the mode of transmission, it probably got into the burrito by way of the poor hygiene of the cook, who’d either been handling raw meat or feces…

Wait, take it away, suddenly I don’t want the steak, either.

Maybe the counterbalancing would ease back pain?

This is how Sony is advertising some new gaming gadget. Somehow, I don’t think they’re trying to appeal to women gamers.

sony4breasts

I also don’t think plunking the female form down deep into the Uncanny Valley like that is going to appeal to most well-adjusted males.

The other trope on display that I see a fair bit: showing just the torso while cutting off the model’s face. That’s one I sometimes see with male models, too — there’s nothing quite like obliterating the most expressive part of the human body to completely objectify your subject.

Science proves me right!

I agree with the title of this article: Beards Keep You Young, Healthy & Handsome, Says Science. Furthermore, I find their conclusions totally copacetic.

Gentlemen, they’re not just for hipsters and the homeless any more. While both dead sexy and totally awesome, beards are also a boon to your overall health. Researchers discovered that men with beards and moustaches actually enjoy numerous benefits including, but not limited to, instant handsomeness.

A study from the University of Southern Queensland, published in the Radiation Protection Dosimetry Journal, found that beards block 90 to 95 percent of UV rays, thereby slowing the aging process and reducing the risk of skin cancer. Got asthma? Pollens and dust simply get stuck in that lustrous facial hair. Additionally, all that hair retains moisture and protects from the wind, keeping you looking young and fresh-faced. What’s more, shaving is usually the cause of ingrown hairs and bacterial infections that lead to acne.

Not noted, because their methodology was to leave bearded and unbearded mannequins in the bright sunlight of the Australian outback while measuring radiation absorption, is that they also keep your face warm in Minnesota winters.

Also not noted is that the way they make you more handsome is by hiding half your homely face.

Awww, I got a valentine

cthulhuvalentine

It is acceptable. I shall hush the chitterings of unseen chitinous creatures in the shadows beneath the giver’s home tonight; there will be an absence of strangely glutinous slitherings over their windowpanes; the unspeakable colors will cease flickering on the edge of their vision, as the malign influence of the Old Ones temporarily recede.

Just for tonight. One night of respite. We will resume tomorrow.