Oh. Hey. One of the digits in the year changed last night.

Wasn’t it exciting? Not as exciting as that year when all four digits changed at once.

I think we should change the system and base the calendar on an arbitrary event that occurred 999,999,999 years ago so that we can all explode in paroxyms of joy next January. And once precedent has been set, we can start rerooting the calendar on any thing we want, any time we want, and get that thrill all the time. And remember, it doesn’t have to be based on a real event: we could have the year when the dating system reflected the long, long ago of the Star Wars universe, or on when Bilbo met some trolls in the woods.

North Koreans really know how to denounce a guy

News from North Korea: Traitor Jang Song Thaek Executed. Read the whole thing — it’s a classic example of long-winded Communist pomposity, which ends, sadly, with the announcement of the immediate execution of the corrupt fellow who clapped half-heartedly at a conference.

Jang committed such an unpardonable thrice-cursed treason as overtly and covertly standing in the way of settling the issue of succession to the leadership with an axe to grind when a very important issue was under discussion to hold respected Kim Jong Un in high esteem as the only successor to Kim Jong Il in reflection of the unanimous desire and will of the entire party and army and all people.

When his cunning move proved futile and the decision that Kim Jong Un was elected vice-chairman of the Central Military Commission of the Workers’ Party of Korea at the Third Conference of the WPK in reflection of the unanimous will of all party members, service personnel and people was proclaimed, making all participants break into enthusiastic cheers that shook the conference hall, he behaved so arrogantly and insolently as unwillingly standing up from his seat and half-heartedly clapping, touching off towering resentment of our service personnel and people.

Jang confessed that he behaved so at that time as a knee-jerk reaction as he thought that if Kim Jong Un’s base and system for leading the army were consolidated, this would lay a stumbling block in the way of grabbing the power of the party and state.

I hope this North Korean denunciation doesn’t end the same way.

Dear Atheist Santa…

I happened to note on Twitter that I was working on the Santa look — aging, bearded, graying, and, errrm, the cherubic-cheeked face. There’s the minor problem of the godless outlook, but then the idea came up…what about an atheist Santa? What would you ask him to get you for Christmas? What criteria would he use to judge the kiddies as naughty or nice? There are some potential ideas lurking in there.

So let’s float a trial balloon here. What would you write to Atheist Santa? Maybe it’ll spark some interesting replies. Drop your messages in the comments, or send me an email, let’s see what we get. Also, is Atheist Santa surly or philosophical? Cynical or humanist? What’s a better place for him to live than the North Pole? Babble away.

Santa is a white man, just like Jesus

Man, they must select Fox News commentators for racism as well as stupidity. Here’s a video of Megyn Kelly indignantly arguing on an important issue: Santa Claus must be white.

She’s offended that someone suggested that we could have a black Santa Claus.

Santa just is white. But this person is maybe just arguing that we should also have a black Santa.

Hint to Planet Fox: Santa is a fictitious, imaginary character. There really isn’t a man who appears on Christmas eve to clamber down your chimney, so it’s absurd to argue about his skin color, or gender, or species, or whether its biochemistry is carbon-based. He doesn’t exist. Personally, I prefer to imagine that Santa just snakes a tentacle down a ventilation duct — it gets around the logistical issues neatly, and it also increases efficiency at apartment complexes, since he can multitask.

But Kelly has historical precedent! Here’s her slam-dunk counter-argument.

You know, I mean, Jesus was a white man, too. He was a historical figure; that’s a verifiable fact—as is Santa, I want you kids watching to know that—but my point is: How do you revise it, in the middle of the legacy of the story, and change Santa from white to black?

So, Megyn Kelly, do you have a picture of Jesus? One from, say, 30 AD? I’d like to see it, since after all you’re so confident that there is verifiable, historical evidence for his existence, as well as his ethnic status as a White Man.

I’d also like to point out that by Christian mythology, Jesus is currently in an incorporeal state, somehow inexplicably oscillating in some incomprehensible quantum-like state with his dad and a ghost. You can tell me exactly how you determined the melanocyte density in his invisible skin right after you explain the Trinity to me.

You must read this twitter exchange about the whiteness of Santa. It just gets weirder and weirder.