They’re going to need a ban against magic

Uh-oh. This cartoon about what might happen at the Creation “Museum” might put the monitoring security detail in Kentucky into a tizzy — in addition to the No Rude T-Shirts rule, they’ll have to add a No Transformation into Cephalopods rule. Better renew the magical wards and holy anointings and blessings on the buildings, boys, the godless are coming to ignore your metaphysics.

One other inaccuracy in the cartoon, though: there will be no Canned Ham during our visit. The head of AiG will not be present, due to a prior engagement on the west coast. Just as well, I don’t think he likes me very much.

The choice is clear

If you’re considering a pet, you have to weigh the pros and cons.

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Wow, when they’re all laid out like that, you just have to choose the squid.

Now wait — maybe you’ve got some brain-damaged children running around who chose poorly, or you flipped a coin and are now stuck with the decision to get puppies. Don’t despair! Get both! In fact, get lots of puppies — they make excellent squid chow, and they’re also useful fresh stock to have around in case peckish atheists come to visit.

My inner Bennett Cerf

These will
keep you groaning all day.

A fellow accidentally ingested some alpha-L-glucose and discovered that he had no ill effects. Apparently he was ambidextrose.

A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate. The barman says “That’ll be 80p (ATP) please!”
(note 100p = £1, and ATP is short for Adenosinetriphosphate, but you already knew that.)

Some genetic researchers were studying Acinonyx jubatus to find out why he had a high abnormal sperm count. They gave a group of these animals a histocompatibility (tissue-type) test.

“This is singular,” observed one to the other. “Every one of these cats gave the same answers.”

“Aw,” drawled the other, “they’re all a bunch of cheetahs.

Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Q: What tool is used to measure a hole in the head?

A: A Phineas gage.

Q: Why didn’t the dendrochronologist get married?

A: All he ever dated was trees!

Q: What is the only thing worse than a mecium?
A: A Paramecium

Q: What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for?

A: In order of increasing groans:

1: Hallowed.

2: Harold. (As in, “Harold be thy name.)

3: Haploid. (Best of all.)

Q: As what did the antibody go to the Halloween costume party?

A: As an “immunogobulin”.

Q: What’s a biologists definition of a graph?

A: An animal with a long neck

Adenine proposing to guanine:”You know dear, mismatches are made in heaven”.

What did one thermophilic bacteriologist say online to another?

“I think you are really hot. Your PCR mine?”

There are some happy sciences, but others are not so happy. A case in point concerns embryologists who tend to be a morose and saddened group than most. No wonder. One of the first things they learn is that our lives are ova before they’ve begun.

A red blood cell walked into a busy restaurant. The hostess asked, “Would you like to sit at the bar?”

The red cell answered, “No thanks, I’ll just circulate.

How do you recognize a native American cell biologist?

He lives in ATP!

They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They knew it would be difficult , but they were determined to succeed.

They had landed with grass seeds to plant and embryos of horse, sheep and cattle. But the grass wouldn’t grow, and none of the calves survived. The horses and sheep were doing well, but there not enough animals to meet their needs.

So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an animal that could be used as meat in place of beef.

Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory and the colonists replied it was.

Finally a space shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of lading was rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul, “we got everything we asked for,” he shouted. . . . “They sent mare zygotes and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy.”

The problem with writing by committee

Mr Deity is wrestling with the various versions of his story. Much is explained by his choice of a script doctor.

By the way, if you’ve ever wanted to actually meet Mr Deity, you’ve got a shot: he’ll be speaking at the Atheist Alliance International 2009 Convention in LA this October. And it’s not just him, look at this phenomenal lineup of speakers.

I’m going to be in there somewhere, too — I’m a late addition. It will be a wonderful assemblage of the godless. Plus one deity.

Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles

One nice thing about being the most evil blogger on the interwebs is that I can occasionally trick my kids into thinking I might be just a little bit cool. My son Connlann introduced me to the black humor of Mr Wiggles (my kids have inherited a weird sense of humor!), and the author, Neil Swaab, offered me a copy of his latest compilation, Rehabilitating Mr Wiggles. I mentioned that it was my boy who led me to Mr Wiggles, and so Neil generously sent me a second copy, autographed for Connlann. See the effect?

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If you don’t know Mr Wiggles, you’re probably going to spend the next few hours browsing in appalled fascination.