Fright Night is a pretty cool movie, but dude…spoilers

Herschel Walker on the campaign trail keeps topping himself.

I was here watching a stupid movie late at night hoping it’s gonna get better it don’t get better but you keep watching anyway. Cause the other night, the other night I was watching this movie — I was watching this movie called Fright Night, Freak Night or some type of night but it was about vampires. I don’t know if you know but vampires are some cool people are they not? But let me tell you something that I found out: a werewolf can kill a vampire did you know that? I never knew that. So I don’t want to be a vampire anymore I wanna be a werewolf.

But then anyway as I’m watching this movie and then you tell how stupid it is cause it’s one in the morning. So I’m watching my TV of these kids watching their TV of a vampire killed on their TV. So you know it’s kinda stupid, but I’m still watching though. As I’m watching this show what was funny was these kids had a vampire in their attic at their house. So they were watching their TV, now I’m watching my TV, they’re watching their TV, they see the vampire killed on their TV. So they win this contest to bring this actor — now y’all gotta stay with me — bring this actor who’s a vampire killer from that TV to get rid of this [unintelligible] vampire in their attic. So this actor comes into their home, he got all the right stuff. He got all the right stuff. Because you know, gotta have a stake, gotta have a thing to kill him in the heart. And he’s got a necklace of garlic, cause that work. I don’t know what it does but it work. Gotta have a cross, cause it burns, I know that works.

And then all of a sudden, this is what’s so funny about it: as they’re walking through the house, this, this guys got the holy water and he’s blessing the house, this actor now he’s all faith. He’s blessing the house with his holy water. He walked upstairs and this vampire looking real good in his black suit, whoa that sounds like Senator Warnock doesn’t it? Looking all good in his black suit. Floated from the ceiling , he floated from the ceiling looking good and cool. And I’m thinking “Whoa, they better get out of that house.” If somebody float from your ceiling, get out of that house. That’s not your house. But as he floated from the ceiling the kid jumped behind their hero, and they jumped behind their hero, the guy jumped in front of them with this holy water threw it on the vampire forehead, he covered his eyes. Then he took his hand away and started laughing. And he said “that don’t work.” He took the cross and put it on the vampire forehead and the vampire didn’t even do anything he said “that don’t work.” And that’s where it is in our life. It don’t even work unless you’ve got faith.

I read that and had to instantly convert to Christianity, because of the cool vampires. Also because that monologue pithed my forebrain.


  1. hemidactylus says

    It might work as stream of consciousness ebbing and flowing to a technotrance beat, so if the political thing doesn’t work out he could go full Shatner? As far as I could follow he pledges his allegiance to Team Jacob then likens his opponent to Count Blacula?

    Or Maximillian?

    Either one is much cooler than a rambling ex-football player werewolf wanna be vampire hunter. I used to be on Team Jacob but now he ruined it for me. And I just ruined technotrance for myself by envisioning that.

    Besides Warnock sounds like a really cool vampire name. Is Herschel going to transform and chase him through the woods of the Pacific Northwest? Or just the Georgia foothills?

    On a slightly more serious note here’s a behavioral biology research nugget for you:
    “What makes us dance? It really is all about that bass” –

    “ Some people hear music and can’t help but sway or bop along, whether there are low, silent bass frequencies or not. So why do humans dance? Cameron says it’s hard to test this, but there has been some work on why we may have evolved this way.

    “We know that moving together in synchrony when we’re making music together and dancing together leads to social bonding. We feel better about the people we’re with. We feel more connected with them,” he said. “So you can imagine this has potential advantages for groups throughout the long history of our species.”

    Never heard of Orphx before. I wonder if they do werewolf chases vampire soundtracks.

  2. UnknownEric the Apostate says

    “I was watching this movie about an airplane, and did you know the automatic pilot is actually a blow-up doll? It’s true! I want to be cool like him, so I’m never gonna eat the fish.”

  3. Akira MacKenzie says

    The MAGAts know that Walker is a disaster, but component politicians who want to do something for the people are an anathema to the conservative political theory. Instead, they just want lay-abouts who will sit on a elected position or office and bar the government from taking an active role in the people’s lives while rubber-stamping efforts to protect the economic and cultural status-quo. Also, they are amused and entertained by our discomfort at Walker’s public inanity and take great pleasure when we complain about the gibberish he spews. According to their “reasoning,” If we don’t like Walker them he’s perfect for the job.

  4. Larry says

    Although I hope it never happens, hearing Walker’s first speech on the Senate floor ought to sound a clarion call from our dead founding fathers: “WTF! We give you a political system for which there was no equal and in less than 250 years, this is how you treat it?

  5. StonedRanger says

    I remember the good ole days when “Florida man …” was the epitome of stupidity. Im all for hiring the handicapped, but this is ridiculous.

  6. larpar says

    Funny line from the link: “…Herschel Walker, who has more secret children than Sugar Bowl wins,…”
    (fyi – 3 Sugar Bowl appearances, 1 win)

  7. says

    We can only pray that Vampire Senator Warnock gets Republican Zombie Walker in the neck before he eats the brains of the rest of the country. Democrats need to find their inner vampire.

  8. Tethys says

    The fact that he is literally speaking about becoming a werewolf, vampire, or Senator as if those are real options is making me cringe in pity for this brain damaged jockstrap.

    I hope he gets annihilated in the run-off.

  9. nomdeplume says

    @5 Larry “a political system for which there was no equal”?! Well, true in the eighteenth century, but the American political system now is dysfunctional and the worst one of all the western democracies by far.

  10. laurian says

    “And just what I thought you said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talking.” -Hank Hill

  11. weylguy says

    I don’t want Walker to win, but mentally he’s just gotta be the personification of Georgia, if not all the Red States.

  12. silvrhalide says

    I just tried to parse that whole monologue… my head hurts. Was he huffing some of those “good emissions” from the gas guzzlers that he loves so much? It would explain so much.

    @1 Thank you for that. I’m crying laughing here because now I can’t stop envisioning Walker with a “spoken word” album a la Shatner, on tour. While wearing a headband with fuzzy ears.

    @13 Just wait until Walker starts to explain/promote propane… :P

  13. says

    Fright Night is a better film than Walker is a candidate. I actually saw it when it opened and my friends and I thought it was an interesting play on being young, seeing a danger and trying to warn the adults, who blow you off because you’re just a kid.

  14. strangerinastrangeland says

    If I would have listened to that speech, my first thought would surely have been “Yes, that is the man I want to govern this country and make all the important decisions that will rule my life!”

  15. Kagehi says

    Ran across this:

    It gives a damned good explanation of the GOP, and sadly TV News “journalism”, talking points about “how do you pay for all these things you want to do with ‘big government’?” How it started, who started it, how the so called “news” all fell for it, and just how much bullshit it is. Walker… is just one of a long list of people who play the game, to line their own pockets, and/or are too stupid to realize they have been completely conned, by a bunch of corporate CEOs and one ghoul who, after decades of trying and failing to convince the American people that a problem existed using insane tactics and lies, discovered that, insanely, journalists, who are supposed to be the ones telling the public what is really going on, where complete idiots, and would buy anything, if you threw enough fake experts, and wild lies at them.

    It makes scary sense…

  16. tedw says

    I hope Senator Warnock jumps on this with an ad clarifying that he is not, in fact, a vampire. Unfortunately they have taken a gentle approach to Walker in their ads, instead of going for the jugular on all his flaws. Does he still live in Texas?