Beware of Cenobites offering Puzzle Cubes


It looks like the world didn’t magically fix itself at midnight last night. Crass, stupid religion still exists, and there is a Cube for sale. You can buy this!

Ooops, sorry, wrong Cube. Although when you see the actual cube, you might prefer my mistake.

The “Inspiration Cube” is a $50 box with pre-recorded phrases from Joel Osteen. You know that since Joel will want to profit off this, that it’s going to be cheaply and cheesily made, and the output is going to be crap, both in tech and content. But look at all the buttons! The only one I like is the bottom-most, the “OFF” button.

Comments

  1. kevinv says

    Haha, rereading that thread I forgot the Cube’s microSD card has a virus on it. Fitting.

  2. robro says

    I get several thought provoking messages a day from an app called WeCroak that cost a few dollars. The messages are quotes from all sorts of people, past and present, including poets, essayists, gurus, hospice workers, and so forth. No attempt is made to be “life-changing”.

  3. hemidactylus says

    Ughh! Hangover!

    Am I the only one who thinks Joel Osteen bears a strong resemblance to Tim “Home Improvement” Allen?

  4. redwood says

    But, but, but what if I don’t want to overcome negative thoughts, receive God’s promises or live my very best life? Why doesn’t he make a cube(?) that lets me work with negative thoughts and live a “good enough” life? And what would I do with God’s promises? What if he promises me something I don’t want? I have questions!

  5. Pierce R. Butler says

    Osteen just wants to fill the vacant niche in cube-fool marketing now that timecube.com has become a mere sports-betting site.

  6. unclefrogy says

    it looks like it came from a Chinese seller of cheap promotional “swag” and “gift” items you can put your companies name on.
    Isn’t it just a cheap music player. I think I have seen something like that at a swap meet along side cheap little speakers with “big sound” and cheap little WiFi stereos speakers . either each came in it’s own cheap little recycled cardboard (paper) box,
    not for $50 each either
    uncle frogy

  7. Akira MacKenzie says

    I’d love to see Osteen dragged down to Hell buy hooked chaine, but he’s probably too dense to puzzle out the Lament Configuration. Is there a cursed Jack-in-the Box he could try?

    (Oh! A Hellraisrr themed Jack-in-the-Box would sell like hot cakes! You turn the crank and a chibi Pinhead pops out! But knowing the geek community, I’m certain someone has already done this.)

  8. magistramarla says

    I’ll stick with the Borg cube that is hanging on our Star Trek themed Xmas tree.

  9. Ridana says

    1) @kevinv:

    Easy On/Off (I’m tired of hard to use power buttons)

    Lol :)
    Not having any teens or access to one, and being a bit foggy today anyway, I didn’t get the “Jocube” joke.

  10. nomadiq says

    Progress will only be made when we develops a vaccine against grifters. That education I guess. Like covid-19, we have the vaccine, we just don’t know how to disperse and administer it effectively.

  11. gijoel says

    Ah yes, Joel “Don’t come to my megachurch it’s totally flooded, I swear” Osteen.

  12. PaulBC says

    @16 You beat me to the timecube remark.

    Maybe he could have a tie-in with a Rubik’s cube. Every time you turn it on an axis Joel Osteen says don’t worry your little head about group theory. Send him money and Jesus will solve it for you.

  13. nomdeplume says

    It would be a touch more convincing if “god’s promises” were spoken in, you know, god’s voice, not Joel’s. Just a thought Joel.

  14. Rich Woods says

    @hemidactylus #13:

    Ugh! More power!

    Wilson, should I dropkick this shit into the next street?

  15. microraptor says

    hemidactylus @13: Well, now I can’t unsee that.

    In related news, I heard that Kirk Cameron held a massive covid party on the beach last night. And there as protesting in Salem, Oregon today over the closure of churches, which protestors tried to compare to closing grocery stores.

  16. antaresrichard says

    I had to order one of Olsteen’s “Inspiration Cube” for a family member who wanted to bestow it as a gift! “What, will these hands ne’er be clean?”

  17. leerudolph says

    Microraptor@39: “churches, which protestors tried to compare to closing grocery stores”. The churches definitely lose in that comparison: they only stock one kind of flesh and one kind of wine, the Suggested Serving sizes are tiny, and there’s a limit of one to a customer each week. However, when the salt has lost its savor, whatchagonnado?

  18. PaulBC says

    leerudolph@43 I always wondered how salt was supposed to lose its savor without ceasing to be salt. It’s a very simple molecule NaCl with an indefinite shelf life.

    It wasn’t until later that I figured, OK, they really didn’t know the chemistry back then (though a Christian would have to believe Jesus did). It’s metaphor… eh… whatever. But I wonder if there is any basis to talking about “salt” that has “lost” or perhaps never had any flavor. The Romans considered salt a lot more valuable than we do today. Maybe there was a lot of inferior product going around, containing some cheaper mineral dust as filler.

    Another gospel image that made no sense to me even as a child was a seed having to “die” before it grows. In context, it’s understandable that people had a limited understanding of biology and chemistry 2000 years ago, which is fine. The problem is when you start making excuses about it.

  19. davidc1 says

    Talking of useless boxes ,anyone seen those ones where you flick a switch and an hand comes out
    and switches it off again .
    I think it is marketed as the most useless gift /thing ever .

  20. PaulBC says

    @45 They sold that at Spencers Gifts in the 70s. Haven’t seen one in a long time. If it shut off Joel Osteen, you could argue it is not entirely useless.

  21. davidc1 says

    @46 Wow ,didn’t know it was as old as that .I got a Redneck Car Horn from the gift shop at the foot of that big tower in Las Vegas .Also a small foul mouthed parrot .

  22. davidc1 says

    @48 And at the risk of getting the Doc all hot and bothered ,isn’t there one where a spider comes out of the box ?

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