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“Spiritually wounded on the battlefield of the great war”

You’ll never guess what that is a euphemism for in this creepy video from the Mormon church.

Yep, it’s all about masturbation, wrought with an excessive metaphor that protecting your friends from pornography and self-gratification is exactly the same as running around with guns to rescue wounded soldiers on the battlefield. I think the problem here isn’t that young men masturbate, but that old authorities are telling them that they’re evil and helping Nazis win the war for Satan when they do what comes naturally.

Be sure not to miss the end, when the two guys who have confided in each other about their sins give each other hot, smoky looks across a room.

Also, I’ve gotta say, when youtube pops up a collection of recommended videos to watch after this one, I blushed…I had no idea that you could find those kinds of R-rated videos there. This production from the Mormon church is only going to help people find more porn!

(via Carrie Poppy, that perv.)

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Comments

  2. ledasmom says

    I don’t quite understand the ending there. If you overcome masturbation you can – play pool with women?
    Huh. Masturbation – pool. Masturbation – pool.
    Are they entirely immune to innuendo or do they just not care about the potential stick and balls jokes?

  3. britomart says

    I have a favorite poem from a favorite poet.

    The human spirit sublimates the impulses it thwarts.
    A healthy sex life mitigates the lust for other sports.

    Piet Hein

  5. Trebuchet says

    Hmm, when I watched this from a link on another FTBlog several days ago, later comments said the video had been made private. Apparently it’s back up.

    I can see this as being a very subtle Poe, students taking a genuine speech by a Mormon asshat and building a video around it that includes some very homoerotic looks between the actors.

  6. Nick Gotts says

    kingbollock@4,

    I understood the slang term (one of many of course) was bashing the bishop – which perhaps explains the Mormons’ concerns ;-)

  7. kingbollock says

    Nick.

    I know, but that’s not the phrase they used and I figured that, as you said, there are so many euphemisms for it that it probably was one of them. I was about to give it a Google (is that one, too?) when the horror of what I was about to do hit me and I chickened out.

  8. jnorris says

    Exactly how does a Mormon male get spiritually wounded that way while wearing the magic underwear?

  9. says

    The lesson: mormon masturbation is not fun. They will send you to war and shoot you for that stuff.

    The narration just irks me big time. There is a mormon-priesthood-male way of speaking that is recognizable even in this young voice. I think of it as “listen to me, I’m all humble and shit, but listen to me because I’m better than you, I’m an arrogant, willfully ignorant holder of the priesthood.”

  10. says

    Re my comment at #9, make that relatively young voice, as opposed to this:
    Prophet, Seer, and Revelator Thomas S. Monson speaking to fellow holders of the priesthood.

    […] Begin to prepare for a temple marriage as well as for a mission. Proper dating is a part of that preparation. In cultures where dating is appropriate, do not date until you are 16 years old. “Not all teenagers need to date or even want to. … When you begin dating, go in groups or on double dates. … Make sure your parents meet [and become acquainted with] those you date.” Because dating is a preparation for marriage, “date only those who have high standards.” 2

    Be careful to go to places where there is a good environment, where you won’t be faced with temptation. […]

  11. rinn says

    Now I am wondering: if they consider masturbation to be on par with being wounded on the battlefield, what would they say about being an atheist?

  12. says

    More from the mormon Prophet currently in charge of the LDS Church:

    […] Because sexual intimacy is so sacred, the Lord requires self-control and purity before marriage as well as full fidelity after marriage. In dating, treat your date with respect and expect your date to show that same respect for you. Tears inevitably follow transgression.

    President David O. McKay, ninth President of the Church, advised, “I implore you to think clean thoughts.” He then made this significant declaration of truth: “Every action is preceded by a thought. If we want to control our actions, we must control our thinking.” Brethren, fill your minds with good thoughts, and your actions will be proper. May each of you be able to echo in truth the line from Tennyson spoken by Sir Galahad: “My strength is as the strength of ten, because my heart is pure.” […]

    Thought control!

  13. says

    Now I am wondering: if they consider masturbation to be on par with being wounded on the battlefield, what would they say about being an atheist?

    Satan, The Enemy, The Adversary has you in his clutches. He is using you to fight mormons. Mormon baptism can save you.

    Also, atheism makes no sense to mormons. They sense their circuits starting to overload whenever they think about it, so they quickly shut down.

  14. says

    The ultimate anti-masturbation rant from mormons:

    http://www.lds-mormon.com/only.shtml “To Young Men Only” by Boyd K. Packer
    Excerpt:

    This power of creation affects your life several years before you should express if fully. You must always guard the power with wisdom. You must wait until the time of your marriage to use it.

    During that waiting, what do you do with these desires? My boy, you are to control them. You are forbidden to use them now in order that you may use them with worthiness and virtue and fullness of joy at the proper time in life.

    I wish to explain something that will help you understand your young manhood and help you develop self-control. When this power begins to form, it might be likened to having a little factory in your body, one designed to produce the product that can generate life.

    This little factory moves quietly into operation as a normal and expected pattern of growth and begins to produce the lifegiving substance. It will do so perhaps as long as you live. It works very slowly. That is the way it should be. For the most part, unless you tamper with it, you will hardly be aware that it is working at all.

    As you move closer to manhood, this little factory will sometimes produce an oversupply of this substance. The Lord has provided a way for that to be released. It will happen without any help or without any resistance from you. Perhaps, one night you will have a dream. In the course of it the release valve that controls the factory will open and release all that is excess.

    The factory and automatic release work on their own schedule. The Lord intended it to be that way. It is to regulate itself. This will not happen very often. You may go a longer period of time, and there will be no need for this to occur. When it does, you should not feel guilty. It is the nature of young manhood and is part of becoming a man.

    There is, however, something you should not do. Sometimes a young man does not understand. Perhaps he is encouraged by unwise or unworthy companions to tamper with that factory. He might fondle himself and open that release valve. This you shouldn’t do, for if you do that, the little factory will speed up. You will then be tempted again and again to release it. You can quickly be subjected to a habit, one that is not worthy, one that will leave you feeling depressed and feeling guilty. Resist that temptation. Do not be guilty of tampering or playing with this sacred power of creation. Keep it in reserve for the time when it can be righteously employed.

  15. frog says

    So…totally ridiculous video, or THE MOST totally ridiculous video?

    Wow, that was a whole new level of stupidity. I facepalmed so hard my occipital lobe felt it.

    That voiceover/speech had awful delivery. Is the plan to bore teenagers to sleep so they won’t masturbate? And now that has me wondering about the LDS stance on erotic dreams. My guess is they think people should be able to control those.

  16. schweinhundt says

    And crappy production value to boot. Around 3:55, the soldier is holding an obviously non-WWII rifle that seems to miraculously fire with his finger off the trigger.

  17. frog says

    Ah, crossposted with Lynna! Thank you, that’s hilarious that they tell people to control their thoughts, but nocturnal emissions are A-OK.

    I love the way the Mormons seem to believe a man’s wisdom comes from his sperm, and that there’s some sort of limited quantity of sperm available. “Don’t use it all up too early!”

  18. vaiyt says

    Everyone in the wretched church masturbates. The leaders (who can hide and rationalize it better) just want to make the boys miserable about it.

  19. David Marjanović says

    Are they entirely immune to innuendo or do they just not care about the potential stick and balls jokes?

    Admittedly, I didn’t notice that either.

    As you move closer to manhood, this little factory will sometimes produce an oversupply of this substance. The Lord has provided a way for that to be released. It will happen without any help or without any resistance from you. Perhaps, one night you will have a dream. In the course of it the release valve that controls the factory will open and release all that is excess.

    […]

    for if you do that, the little factory will speed up.

    It’s so funny how this dude has no idea of the biology behind it! :-D

    just want to make the boys miserable about it

    Note how they completely ignore the girls. Well, I guess it logically follows from believing that masturbation is about excess sperm… :-D

  20. mikee says

    So pornography stops young men from going to church?

    If only the solution to religion were that easy!

    I love they way they claim it is a “battle” and a “war” then have the gall to often complain that atheists are militant about their beliefs.

  21. mikee says

    No sex before marriage?
    No masturbation?

    Obviously the only thing left is exchanging smoking looks with your male friends and then ….?

    Hmm I could almost like this ad :-)

  22. grumpyoldfart says

    I thought that the mugs in the pews paid their tithes for the masochistic pleasure of being ordered about by the preachers.

    Do this, don’t do that.
    Eat this, don’t drink that.
    Bow your head.
    Get on your knees.
    Don’t ask questions, just obey.

  23. says

    Ex-mormons discuss the “Masturbation Scroll” of Apostle Vaughn J. Featherstone.
    http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1150699,1151461#msg-1151461

    Excerpts from Featherstone’s presentation:

    […] “Now, my young friends, and I am sorry to say, many adults, how about all those of you who have a masturbation problem? If the names of those who had the problem were projected across this big, huge scroll, would your name be there, or would you be able to sit back confident and pure in heart?

    “And, in a few cases, what if we had the names of those who had a homosexual problem? What if their names were on this huge scroll? Their names removed, then what if we had those who are adulterers, who are serving in priesthood positions, unbeknownst to many, unbeknownst unto anyone except themselves and the partner in sin?

    “Again let us talk about a self-inflicting purging. My young friends, how about all of you who have committed fornication? Or have been involved in petting? Suppose their names were on this huge scroll, so that all may see. Now, I can tell you this, I bear my solemn witness that if you do not self-inflict a purging in your lives, the time may well come when there might not be a scroll, but it will be as though there were. It may be as though it had been shouted from the tops of houses. People cannot hide sin. You cannot mock God and hold the Lord’s holy priesthood and pretend to propose that you are his servant. […]

    “We shouldn’t have a problem with masturbation. I know one fine father who interviewed his 11-year-old son and he said, “Son, if you never masturbate, the time will come in your life when you will be able to sit in front of your bishop at age 19, and say to him, ‘I have never done that in my life,’ and then you can go to the stake president when you are interviewed for your mission and tell him, ‘I have never done that in my life.’ And you would be quite a rare young man.”

    “The father again interviewed the young man, who is now 18 years old, and he asked the son about masturbation. The son said, “I have never done that in my life. You told me, Dad, that if I didn’t do that, I would be able to sit in front of the bishop and stake president and tell them I had never done it, and I would be a rare young man, and I am going to be able to do it.”

    “I believe, brethren, we have the willpower. We don’t have to buckle under Satan’s temptations. That urge does not have to be satisfied. It has to be transmuted to other things.”

  24. says

    Ex-mormons discuss the fact that worthiness interviews with mormon bishops includes questions about masturbation and about sexuality in general, even for children as young as 12 and for teenagers.

    http://exmormon.org/d6/drupal/Email-exchange-with-bishop-regarding-masturbation
    Excerpt from a bishop’s email to an ex-mormon father who requested that his 14-year-old son not be questioned about masturbation:

    […] Let me briefly set forth my position on interviewing youth (which, I believe, is consistent with the Church’s position). I realize you don’t agree with some of what I am about to say, and I respect that. But I want to state it clearly. Sexual purity always will be a requirement for members of the Church and for priesthood holders in particular — youth included. It is the Bishop’s responsibility to address issues of sexual purity with the youth. […]

  26. HappiestSadist, Repellent Little Martyr says

    Generally, adults who use their positions of power to corner kids and inquire obsessively about their sexual fantasies and masturbatory habits are rightfully considered predators. Unless, of course, you’re preying for God.

  27. ledasmom says

    The only masturbation problem I ever had as an adolescent/teenager was that, despite not having had any sort of religious upbringing whatsoever, I had still somehow internalized the idea that there was something a little skeevy about masturbating. That, despite doing it enough at that age that I was seriously worried about going on a family camping trip and not being able to do it for a couple days.
    Seriously, masturbation! The form of sex that, if you’re just doing it with yourself, is least likely to result in contracting a disease or pregnancy (of forms of sex that frequently involve orgasm, anyway. Somewhat sleep-deprived and caffeinated here and trying to speak as broadly as possible, sorry)! How did anyone ever decide that this is a strange wrong thing to do?
    I apologize if that is too much detail about my personal experiences. Every time I hear this nonsense about the supposed evils of masturbation it just seems odder and odder.

  28. ChasCPeterson says

    What’s weird to me is that, despite their many other totally off-the-chart wackaloon ideas, this kind of twisted sexual policing almost certainly makes Mormonism more acceptable to christians of other denominations.

  29. Gregory Greenwood says

    So entirely voluntary masturbabtion, that under almost all circumstances does no harm either to the participating party or anyone else, is this terrible thing, but treating your wife (or, depending upon the particular form of Mormonism, wives) as if they are your sexual property over which you can exercise ‘conjugal rights’ whether or not they actually consent is just fine?

    Mormon morality; arse-backwards as usual.

  30. Menyambal --- making sambal a food group. says

    Yeah, they claim it’s a war. It has been said that the first victim of war is truth. It has also been said that the first victim of war is the children. When I see religious people fighting an imaginary, one-sided war, they are almost always lying to the children.

  31. Al Dente says

    Lynna, OM @14

    Boyd K. Packer

    I remember the name from the Mormon drive to support Prop 8. Packer must be the Mormon leadership’s go-to guy for anything sexual.

  32. carlie says

    From Lynna’s 14:

    the lifegiving substance.

    Preformism went out of style with Haeckel. Someone should tell that guy.

  33. jagwired says

    The Mormon church should start teaching the Integral Yoga. I’ve heard that if done correctly you can desiccate the naughty sperms and gain energy from them via vibrations or something.

  34. davenash says

    @16
    You are right. It is an SKS. Who wants to be rescued by some ChiCom sympathizer? Clearly I am missing some subtext.

  36. gijoel says

    This year marks the hunderdth anniversary of the Industrial Human meat grinder known as the Great War. A conflict that saw the loss of over 10 million young man, and many more times that in civilans.

    It pisses me off to no end when morons like this like to conflate their petty peeves with horrific historical events. Masturbation isn’t a war crime. Go have a wank, and maybe that will ease the tension in your underroos.

  37. Michael Tweedy says

    And Mormons always wonder why the world views them as oafish dickwads. “It’s just not fair!”, they always say.

  39. michaelvester says

    I have strongly associated masturbation with the Mormon church. Every time I see two strapping young lads in white shirts and ties, I think of them laying in their beds furiously masturbating. I don’t think I can ever talk to another male Mormon without cracking up. Of course, female Mormons don’t masturbate.

  40. says

    The video is as much about promoting tattling and spying on one’s peers in a Stasi-like manner as it is about avoiding pornography and masturbation.

    In fact, “masturbation” is not mentioned directly, which is, in its way, yet another cowardly act by the mormon filmmakers. They can’t even name one of their implied subjects. It’s insane.

    The “spy and tell on your peers” message is equally grotesque.

  41. =8)-DX says

    Also, I’ve gotta say, when youtube pops up a collection of recommended videos to watch after this one, I blushed…I had no idea that you could find those kinds of R-rated videos there.

    There is only one video on masturbation on YouTube that you need to see: How To Masturbate. (NSFW, no nudity except from gratuitous groceries).

    I think if they played this to the Mormon kids it might be a more effective way to put them off masturbation.

  42. Nick Gotts says

    Mormon morality; arse-backwards as usual. – Gregory Greenwood@29

    Maybe I’m anatomically unusual, but my arse does face backwards :-p

  43. says

    From the comments on fark.com:

    “I’m not surprised this came out of BYU-Idaho — the place where the zombie apocalypse will grind to a halt for lack of brains to feast on.”

    Link.

    Patheos link.

    A recently released video by Brigham Young University–Idaho compares masturbators to wounded soldiers, and encourages students to identify to religious officials friends they think are masturbating.

    The awkward and creepy video, “Wounded On The Battlefield,” compares reporting a friend to religious authorities for masturbating to rescuing a wounded soldier in a time of war.

    In the video, BYU-Idaho President Kim B. Clark reminds students to reach out to roommates in need: “If you need to, talk to your bishop, tell someone who can do something that you have a friend in trouble.”
    Masturbation is the enemy, and the good Mormon must be vigilant […]

  45. David Marjanović says

    “I’m not surprised this came out of BYU-Idaho — the place where the zombie apocalypse will grind to a halt for lack of brains to feast on.”

    I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks!

  46. says

    Glad you liked that one, David. It made me laugh out loud too. The concept would make a great scene in a zombie comic movie.

    Here are a few more comments from the fark site:

    Maybe to be safe, they should entirely quit having sex.
    ———
    “If you need to, talk to your bishop…” Least effective masturbation technique ever.

  47. says

    Ex-mormons are still discussing this creepy video, and pointing out that is has gone viral. Here’s an interesting tidbit from ex-mormon “anonfortssnow”:

    Loved that the video was posted on Business Insider because Kim B. Clark was the Dean of the Harvard Business School for 10 years before he came to BYUI. He such an arrogant berk. I hope his peers finally see him for what he is–

    Kim B. Clark is the older guy you see speaking in the video.

  48. says

    More national news coverage:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/03/byu-idaho-anti-masturbation-video-war_n_4719599.html

    From the comments:

    So if the message is if your buddy has a masturbation problem you should give him a hand? Well that explains the knowing glance at the end
    ——–
    This reminds me of the short film parody “Saving Ryan’s Privates.”
    ——–
    I guess it’s not very surprising that female masturbation is completely foreign to BYU’s video. However, what is slightly surprising is that this article does not acknowledge this issue at all. This video that everyone will laugh and gawk at for its conservationism will only reinforce uncomfortableness and ignorance towards female sexuality.

  49. says

    Comment from ex-mormon “Stray Mutt”:

    Friends don’t let friends masturbate. So do it for them. It’s the loving thing to do, right?