I only want them if they let me shoot lightning bolts out of my arms

What is it with these stupid, cheap silicone wrist bands? It seems every scam artist in the country is selling these things along with claims that they have amazing magical powers, and people must be buying them. Here’s a promotional video for Energy Armor — “NEGATIVE IONS!”

This is their explanation for how these are supposed to work. I think. Somehow, a little honesty slipped into the middle of the fairy tale.

The Energy Armor wristband has taken these good ions, which are known as “negative ions”, and have found a way to infuse them into a durable silicone band. There is no secret machine that magically inserts an electrical charge into our hologram. The reason is simple; that is scientifically impossible. The Energy Armor infusing process allows the Ions to continually release Negative Ions when in contact with your body.

OK. It’s scientifically impossible. I guess that means that $25 for a rubbery little impossible miracle is a really good deal.