It’s coming up on the end of another year, so of course we need top ten lists. I’m impressed with the ambition of The Onion, which reports on the Top 10 Stories of the Last 4.5 Billion Years. My favorites are Woman Domesticated, Evolution Going Great, Reports Trilobite, Fire, Setting Everything in Sight on Fire Discovered, Rat-Shit-Covered Physicians Baffled By Spread Of Black Plague, and Dinosaurs Sadly Extinct Before Invention Of Bazooka, but really, the top prize has to go to Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World.
According to the cuneiform tablets, Sumerians found God’s most puzzling act to be the creation from dust of the first two human beings.
“These two people made in his image do not know how to communicate, lack skills in both mathematics and farming, and have the intellectual capacity of an infant,” one Sumerian philosopher wrote. “They must be the creation of a complete idiot.”
And modern creationists are made in his image.
Top ten ironic creationist comments or actions. Proper use of the word irony. Not the Morissette version thank you.
Do we just have to come up with the title, or give the full ten winners too?
I personally liked Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of ‘Friendster’ Civilization
Oh, and top ten things you can do with a flaming capra hircus.
But the trilobites ruled the sea floor for millions of years! :-(
Four Or Five Guys Pretty Much Carry Whole Renaissance? Ouch!
Yay! I was able to sign in this time!
I was keeping up with those all last week. The folks over at the Onion are top notch.
Very OT, but I think you’ll mostly enjoy this: other lists have Cuttlefish-esque visitors. This one starts out…
“You are old, Father Yahweh,” the fabulist said,
“And your wrath has grown harder to sell.
So I’ve written a sequel with you as the head
Where your son comes to earth for a spell.”
“In my youth,” Father Yahweh replied to young Luke,
“I was One and I shall always be.
But your tale has poor Mary knocked up by my spook!
By that count, you’ve split me in three.”
for the wonderful rest, go to Making Light:
http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/012018.html#012018
and see comment number 28
Yeah the Sumerian thing is pretty damn funny!
I take it that The Onion doesn’t really try to cater for the religious segment of the US population!
Or indeed the more sensitive ones.
Hee.
I wonder if anyone else remembers that wonderful parody of Popular Mechanics that appeared in The National Lampoon called Popular Evolution. It even parodied the ads. Those strange ads for the Rosicrucians became one for a secret order called The Crustaceans. There are no more powerful tools for puncturing non-sensical beliefs than parody and satire.
One of the best weeks from The Onion. This may have even topped the week they were bought by the Chinese. (“It fish time!”)
–Becca@#7–
If I am not mistaken, I know Virge. Nothing but admiration… ok, and envy. He’s goooood.
Top Ten Pharyngula in-jokes/catch-phrases
10. ooooh, sniny!
9. How is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS?!
8. Happy Monkey!
7. Goats On Fire!
6. Your concern is noted.
5. bacon
4. uh…
Sven Dimilo;
How could you forget lebians masturbating with bibles (a favourite image of mine for reasons I cannot divulge)! You also failed to include references to Cthulhu. I demand that you rectify this at once! At once I say!
Our squidy overlord will be most displeased.
yeah, those are good!
3. Lesbians, bibles, and bacon
2. Get in the sack
1. When will Cuttlefish get here?
Right, “get in the fookin sack!” is good.
I actually considered something like “Cuttlefish, you’re a genius!” but that goes without saying.
I don’t know. I think “raisin date” has to make that list somewhere, Sven.
ok…”raisin date” is classic…
Also I just remembered “buy me a camera!”
this may have to be edited down to 10
“Pharyngulate” has to be in there somewhere.
A little off topic… http://snorphty.blogspot.com/ needs a little dose of reality from the folks here. (re: Joseph and Mary billboard)
Me like dis one HOK KRAK Boom Boom FIRE! hak HOK HOK!!!:
“According to remarkably detailed cave paintings from the period, early humans attempted to set fire to surrounding bushes, roaming buffalo, uncooperative mates, the sky, primitive tools, the ground, cooperative mates, and, judging by their often blackened appearance, most of the cave paintings themselves“
Between The Onion and The Daily Show, it seems to me that the best place to get the news is from comedians. It says a lot about how untrustworthy, slanted, and obviously stupid conventional “reporting” has become. Mad Magazine probably covers the issues better than Fox News, come to think of it…
My daughter gave a class report on the history cuneiform last week, and then gave the “Sumerians Look On In Confusion” link to her humanities teacher afterward. I think she’ll ace the class.
I say we have a vote for the top ten Pharyngula in-jokes/catch-phrases.
Some other entries:
–R**ke: ‘I would never inflict oral sex on a women.’
– Josh and his Weebles.
– Kw*k’s Facebook threat
– “Deep rifts”
– cephalopod porn
– crockoduck
– The Dungeon = The Intersection
Sven you are also forgetting his noodly goodness. Better make it a top 10 in 2 parts ;)
Perhaps not so off topic as it ought to be but:
YAAAAAAAYYYY!!!! We won!1111
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=app_2392950137&gid=2228594104
http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/rage-against-the-machine-take-christmas-no1-slot-1846247.html
AronRa’s “An Archaeological Moment in Time” is appropriate here.
From another article in the current Onion:
Some Of Man’s Most Important Inventions
…
God: This multipurpose tool has allowed billions to soothe their mortal fears while easily excusing a wide variety of unconscionable actions such as war and homophobia.
Peter G.
Was that the one that had the mammal-looking thing crawling out of the water claiming that you, too, could have a fabulous future on dry land?
IIR, the Lampoon also did a procreation-only sex manual for Catholics calld “The Job of Sex.”
The one about the Sumerians was pretty funny and makes a point which no one can escape.
Sven, I think the list needs a mention of the Rookie’s classic “I would never inflict oral sex on a women.”(sic)
Then you have the idea of offended idiots demanding cameras. Classic!
Epickt@30 It was indeed.
Also in The Onion, a short click-trail away, I found;
Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama’s Placenta.
ROFL
Also, from Some Of Man’s Most Important Inventions
Although I find the importance of this invention to be debatable. Say “popular” rather.
Also, the bitching about the comment reg system.
And how did alcohol get left off? Bacon, lesbians, bibles, and booze, surely.
Top Ten Pharyngula in-jokes/catch-phrases
We should only commemorate Kw*k with one phrase. While the demand for the camera was pure arrogance, the matchless threat to defriend PZ on Facebook shows the utter inanity of the famous alumnus of the famous high school that few people have ever heard of.
“Everything is here already,” the pictograph continues. “We do not need more stars.”
In any list of Pharyngula trends for the year we’ve got to include ‘Josh puts super-smackdown on delugionists for ignorance of geology’.
That’s the bit I don’t get. Why do we need to have a simplistic order like that at all and why does it have to reach 10. (Not that I’m one of those who’d be more impressed if it went up to 11.)
Any Irishman could tell you that Dara said Get in the feckin’ sack. Youse ignorant feckers.
TRiG.
Pearl clutching and the fainting couch should be in there somewhere. And “It’s a fracking cracker!”
And we mustn’t forget Patricia’s spanking couch! Speaking of Patricia, I’ve missed her snark lately.
Gregory Greenwood:
How could you forget nakedlesbians masturbating with bibles…
FTFY
TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN JESUS
1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
2. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
5. When you have a beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over their brand of beer.
7. You don’t have to wait more than two thousand years for a second beer.
8. There are laws saying that beer labels can’t lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a beer.
10. If you’ve devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.
C.A. (Formerly Recoverying Cathaholic) and no I didnt fall off the wagon! BURP! :-)
Though I like the version from that video better… DickDocPhD: “We appreciate your concern, it is noted – and stupid.”
typepad wall of text error x10 this morning…..
Sven @ 19,
A certain individual who shall not be named has just 10 minutes ago posted on another scienceblogger’s facebook that he didn’t really want a camera ! It’s true !!
From the “Sumerians” article :
Hilarious !
From that same list, don’t overlook this item from the ‘greatest inventions’ infographic:
God — this multipurpose tool has allowed billions to soothe their mortal fears while easily excusing a wide variety of unconscionable actions such as war and homophobia.
Except for the one about the bubonic plague. The Black Death wasn’t bubonic plague. It was a haemorrhagic fever which has since died out, at least among H. sapiens.
See Biology of Plagues by Susan Scott and Christopher J. Duncan, a fascinating book about the epidemiology of the Black Death and other diseases.
http://www.liv.ac.uk/precinct/Oct2001/12.html
I’m not at all convinced this is true, it’s their hypothesis. Why hasn’t anyone dug up some plague victims and run tests on them ? We found flu virus in soldiers from the 1st WW, why not look for it in plague dead from 1670?
On a blog run by two individuals sometimes referred to as “M & K” a certain high school graduate said that it was a lie that he’d ever demanded a camera. When I quoted the email verbatim he tried to pass it off as a joke.
The whole “cyberpistol” thing from crackergate. Wasn’t that Angry Bill himself?
“Brenda, you ignorant slut!”
Smoggy’s friend Floyd Rubber needs an honorable mention …
Tis, #52
This comment is useless without links!
Ehm yeah Alan, you’d fit right in there.
Those bloody Sumerians were such arrogant gits. That was just My first project in Creation 101, for My sake! All the other gods poked fun at Me for getting a couple of things wrong, but I managed to persuade the Israelites to follow Me. If it hadn’t been for those iron chariots, I’d have led them to conquer the world, Idammit!
God @ 56;
Um, hi Creator. I just wanted to ask why it is that an all powerful being cannot handle iron chariots? What with being omnipotent and all, I would have imagined you could do something. For example, why not interfere with the molecular structure of the metal. Unless of course the whole ‘omnipotent’ thing was a bit of an overstatement. I’m a bloke, I know how it is. You are always tempted to exaggerate something to impress the girls. How much you earn. What type of car you have. What your ‘proportions’ are if you get my drift.
Enquiring minds want to know.
Legion @ 45;
Good save there. The nakedness of the aforementioned lesbians is, of course, of the heighest importance.
The same tactic Ray Comfort used to try and brush off the banana video when Dawkins began publicly mocking it.
“top ten Pharyngula in-jokes/catch-phrases.”
You’ve been around a while, haven’t you? Yet I see no “PYGMIES & DWARVES” or “trophy wife”.
P + D was #9.
PZ’s “trophy wife” is good, though.
I may move this project over to The Thread Everlasting.
(or, I may not)
ok, Pharyngula list talk is over here now
That thing about the iron chariots was just a joke!