1. gingerbeard says

    I have the same score, although I was tempted to stone the medium atthe fair..

    Guess I’m off to hell with all the other compationate people

  2. IST says

    Wow, something fun that our filters here didn’t block… I’m sure it’ll never work again, but it was fun. 0% eh? I think we should take that as a compliment.

  3. says

    I have the same score, although I was tempted to stone the medium atthe fair..

    Same score, but I was tempted by ‘…I paid good money for that slave.’

    (Well, y’know. Scottish ancestry, see.)

  4. freelunch says

    The Bible’s morality does seem to be quite easy to follow — if you don’t like what someone else is doing, stone them.

  5. Knockgoats says

    I got 8% – but only from the last two questions. For (12) I had to assume there is a “Lord”, and going by the Bible, I thought sacrificing animals was the best bet. For (13) I thought Mr. Bobbitt had probably suffered enough, and I’d do him a favour by sparing him the tedium of church.

  6. Curt Cameron says

    8% for me – the last question about John Bobbit I got “right.” The question presumes that I am a member of a church, which implies a situation that I but into that. “God welcomes all” and “No his penis was cut off” neither seemed acceptable, so I picked “I don’t know.” Apparently that’s the Biblical answer.

  7. Steve_C says

    Hahaha. I screwed up on the last answer. I put c. I don’t know. Didn’t seem biblical at all.

  8. GrahamH says

    I only got 92% – I assumed that there would be some biblical injunction against someone who was not ‘all man’ like Bobbit .

  9. simon says

    Professor, it seems you stuck already. You need fresh air. Use your time to help poor people with your science that’s better rather playing with your computer. Millions of such thing on internet. Don’t waste your time prof, you are 52 years old. 20-30 years older than your students.

    do not downgrade your intellectuality. good night, professor.

  10. Penny says

    What amused me was that when I did the quiz, Google were putting ads up for a free bible – maybe Google needs a sarcasm filter when choosing which ads to place!

  11. dogmeatib says

    Professor, it seems you stuck already.

    Stuck? In a ditch? In quicksand?

    You need fresh air.

    You apparently haven’t read his bio, he lives in Minnesota, in February? Breathing fresh air invites frostbite of the lungs.

    The rest of that babble was rather said. I’d hope it was a Poe, but I suspect not.

  12. Knockgoats says

    Professor, it seems you stuck already. You need fresh air. Use your time to help poor people with your science that’s better rather playing with your computer. Millions of such thing on internet. Don’t waste your time prof – simon

    So, simon, what is it exactly you think you are achieving here – apart from giving us a good laugh at your stupidity, that is?

  13. Tom Woolf says

    Whoohoo! 100% unadulterated heathen!

    It’s nice to say that, occasionally, I can keep up with the PZs. ;-)

  14. Epinephrine says

    Too much old testament stuff – the Xtians will claim that the new testament gets rid of all that stuff.

    They should get some nice new, Christ-happy stuff, maybe like this:

    15. You pass a fig tree while taking a walk with your chums. Being fond of figs, you decide to help yourself to one, but since figs are out of season there are none to be had. Obviously, you:

    a) Go to the fruit store, to see if maybe they have some nice fresh figs.

    b) Decide to try some other fruit, maybe something local that IS in season.

    c) Curse the fig tree to wither away. Now who’s laughing, tree? Should bring me fruit when I want it.

  15. says

    Ok, I think it is wrong to kill kids for making fun of you (Elisha) or to murder people to pay your gambling debts (Samson), so I am sure that I’ll do poorly on that quiz. :)

  16. Valis says

    I hate that whole “What is your gender?’ question. The only options they ever give are male/female. I’m neither of those, wtf am I supposed to put down?

  17. Linda K says

    8%. I got the Bobbitt’s question correct.

    So, was Lot the first stand-up comedian?

    “Take my daughters… Please!”

  18. AndrewN says

    I got zero as well :) Although I spent some time thinking about question 6 in the end I went for slavery.

    Actually the ‘correct’ answers were fairly obvious as they had probably been cherry picked so that any reasonable 21st century person would get close to zero.

  19. Mike K says

    Okay, that was fun…

    But help me out guys – isn’t making fun of the bible a little too easy?

    Taking the quiz I felt like I was kicking someone who was already down on the ground (intelectually).

    To me it seems obvious, that a collection of stories that was put togeather over a period of centuries in a process that ended about 2000 years ago, will contain a lot of crap that by our standards can only be considered absurd…

    I understand the danger of having people today decide what to do based on these ‘guidelines’, but still I feel sorry for those who do, and I am not sure if ridicule helps?

    Maybe therapy?

  20. JimNorth says

    WooHoo! I am 100% Christian. Oh, Wait…I thought the quiz was supposed to measure my bible memory. Dog gone it. I failed by winning. Sucks to be me.

  21. Sterge says

    Lol… haven’t chuckled this hard in awhile… good stuff. Getting over a cold and I think this pushed me over the top. Thanks PZ :)

  22. Lowell says

    Like others, I had to think about the slavery vs. rape question for a minute. I ended up picking slavery because it so often entails the rape of slaves.

  23. foxfire says

    @steve #35

    What’s #21 talking about?

    My guess would be disapproval that PZ had a moment of fun. Perhaps simon didn’t bother to read the wierd-eyed fish post. What’s your bet that simon got at least 60% on the quiz?

    foxfire (proudly waiving her 0)

  24. azqaz says

    PZ, your morals must be contagious because I scored a zero also. Now I’m damned to hell. Again. I wonder how many times I can be damned. I’m hoping for a record.

  25. SLW13 says

    Whew, thank monkey, I got 0%. I confess to a slight sense of worry about what my score would be… until I saw the questions. Then I started laughing. And then I had an existential crisis over my deep, dark love of shrimp cocktail.

  26. Tilia says

    Damn, I only got 77% and I tried so hard. Nice advice, though:

    Good, but you missed a few. God is on your side, but you need to do your part. Pray more, think less.

  27. Brian says

    Answer b to question 7 is incorrect. Technically speaking Saturday is the day of rest. Still, she worked weekends, so the correct answer is still c.

    I got a 0% though!

  28. Muffin says

    @Valis/31: just don’t put in anything, those questions are just for statistical purposes and can safely be left unanswered. (That being said, I agree – it’s pretty annoying that they’re still stuck with the notion of binary gender.)

    Other than that – 0%. (And I found the “which is worse” question quite easy; obviously, slavery is worse than rape.)

  29. TonyC says

    Yay! I’m a certified Heathen!

    I am a little upset about being denied access to the goat sacrifice – a nice goat curry is just the thing after a day of heathen debauchery. I guess I’ll have to stick with babies!

  30. Qwerty says

    I got 77% and I wasn’t even trying. Ahhhhhh. I never went to Sunday school. Only Catholic Catechism which didn’t go over the Bible.

  31. Aphrodine says

    @Epinephrine (#29):

    When I was little I used to attend Catholic school. I vividly remember a story that my first grade teacher told the class: it was about an old man who planted figs trees. Even though he would probably die long before the trees gave fruit, he was thankful that his ancestors before him planted fig trees for his benefit and was happy to return the favor for future generations. The moral of the story was something along the lines of doing things for the benefit of others and to be aware of the impact that you may have long after you die. Nice story, right?

    Flash forward to about a year later…

    My parents bought me a leather-bound bible aimed for kids. It was a comic book/bible fusion in the most bizarre way possible. Imagine how disturbed I was to see Jesus condemn the tree to death. In my eyes the fig tree that was cursed was the same fig tree that the old man planted. I just kept thinking to myself, “Are you serious?! That old guy goes through all the trouble of planting that tree and juuuuust before it fruits you go an kill it.”

  32. PlaydoPlato says

    I answered the questions like a doG fearin’ k-k-kristian and got 92 percent.

    Beat that you doGless heathens.

  33. Lotharloo says

    Awesome quiz. I tried to go for 100% but I’m stuck. So, what’s the correct biblical answer for the slavery stuff?

  34. says

    I got a 15%

    For the one about slavery and how long the hebrew would remain a slave: It asked IF I bought a slave how long he would serve. Since I already bought him, I feel like I can at least get my money’s worth so I chose 6 years.

    The question did not ask ‘would you buy a slave’ but ‘if you bought one’ . . .

  35. E.V. says

    Mike K.:
    Your concern has been duly noted. Since logic, reasoning and empirical evidence are lost on these people, what makes you think therapy will work for them, considering that most therapists are theists also?

  36. uncle frogy says

    seems to be a good illustration of how “morality” does not come from religion/god but is determined by people.
    it is not eternal but changes with the time and the practices of the people.

    yes give me that old time religion so I wont have to face the questions of today and instead face the deeds of the past where the outcome is already known.
    very funny
    OT =

  37. SteveM says

    0% is too easy. 100% is a little harder, I got tripped up on how long women are slaves and the Bobbit thing.

  38. Sclerophanax says

    I like it how this quiz acknowledges that even women can have wives. It’s more progressive than most countries in the world! ;)

    I agree with the others that pointed out the lack of New Testament nutjobbery. The epistles, for example, have some real “gems” about slavery and the position of women in them.

  39. Lotharloo says


    Ah, I see. Now I got 100%! But the slavery questions were tricky: six years if you buy a Hebrew servant but “as long as her new master feeds and clothes her” if you sell your daughter.

  40. Endor says

    “I got tripped up on how long women are slaves”

    Well, we are talking about xtians, therefore, women are slaves forevah! but, they’re not slaves, they’re just naturally submissive and totally want to be penned up in the house all day watching small children.

    The bible says so!


  41. skyotter says

    i got 100%, because i know the Bible far too well

    and before some apologist shows up spouting that “Jesus did away with the OT” bunkum, i’ll point out that JC Himself said quite the opposite:

    Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill. For truly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass the law until all is accomplished. Whoever then relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but he who does them and teaches them shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

    –Jesus (Matt. 5:17-19)

  42. Ruben says

    “Your morality is 0% in line with that of the bible.”

    Phew! If I had gotten as much as 1%, I would be worried shitless. Now I’m at peace again.

  43. Die Anyway says

    As I see a few others did, I got 77%. I suppose I could have hit 100% by always picking choice 3 but I tried to be a bit honest about it. It’s too bad the choices weren’t randomly mixed. That might actually have made it harder to come up with exactly 0% or 100%.
    I know that these things were never pointed out with quite such clarity back in my church-going days.

  44. Josh West says

    8% biblical moral. I got the last question ‘right’ since there was no “Why the hell am I in charge of a church?” option.

  45. says

    My Score:

    Your morality is 100% in line with that of the bible.

    You are a good and moral Christian. Jerry Falwell would be proud! Now go sacrifice an ox for the sweet savour of the lord!

    I made 100%

    Not because of my morality.

    It’s just that I’ve read the bible so I know what the Big Fairy wants!

    And I’m good at taking tests.

  46. says

    “But the slavery questions were tricky: six years if you buy a Hebrew servant but “as long as her new master feeds and clothes her” if you sell your daughter.”
    Posted by: Lotharloo

    The “Hebrew servant” has a penis and is therefore of interest/value to the Big Fairy, unlike females who are of far lesser consequence/value.

  47. skyotter says

    Can anyone do better than 75% on how well do you know the bible?

    at least three posters before you have hit 100%

  48. says

    The Bobbit controversy is simply that there was no way to sew a penis back on once it had been cut off during biblical times. An oversight on god’s part, since we now can reattach severed penises. But this leaves a hole in god’s instructions to his churches about who can be allowed in.

    Now, if a Mormon Patriarch had a direct revelation from god regarding reattached penises & church membership, that might be considered evidence that god is Mormon. Both for taking care of his lack of foresight about the possibility of reattaching penises, and for providing a mechanism to correct His lack of foresight; namely direct revelation to Mormon Patriarchs.

  49. says

    I’m only 8% in line with bible morality, but I’m still 92% damn heathen. That’s still an A. It must have been the John Wayne Bobbitt question that did me in, or the brief childhood indoctrination with catholicism. I have to work on eliminating that 8%.

  50. SteveM says

    “I got tripped up on how long women are slaves”
    Well, we are talking about xtians, therefore, women are slaves forevah!

    The problem with the quiz though, as others have pointed out,is that it is all Old Testament and not “really” Xian at all. And the reason to kill your weekend working wife is not that she worked on Sunday, but because she worked on Saturday, the Sabbath. Xians celebrate Sunday because it is the day of the resurrection, not because it is the Sabbath. And the 6 years for male hebrew servitude I only got because I assumed it would be similar to only being allowed to work a field for 6 years and having to leave it fallow on the seventh. (which somehow became a big issue a couple years ago in Israel).

  51. Pat Silver says

    Link now posted to a large forum which has a fair population of Bible-belt nut-jobs. Standing by for the sound of exploding brains.

  52. PaulH says

    grrr. only got 85%. I don’t know my slave rules well enough. Oh, and I figured that as the wholly babble says nothing about having your stones repaired, it’s obviously impossible, and therefore bobbit shouldn’t be allowed to join the church.

  53. 'Tis Himself says

    I had to think about the rape vs slavery question. In the end, I chose slavery because it usually lasts longer than rape.

  54. Ben says

    Very amusing. To question #9, I did finally answer “Explain to your children about the technique of “cold reading”…” but only after carefully considering “Stone the medium to death on the spot.”

  55. jimmiraybob says

    Damned, only 85% Who knew you could only keep a Hebrew slave 6 years after purchase. Seems like a rip off. I never would have guessed that walking back from the edge of penislessness could earn you another shot at salvation.

    Looks like I’ve got some studying to do.

  56. Twin-Skies says

    Yay! I’m also a heathen according to that book! Can’t remember the last time I enjoyed flunking a test XD

  57. John Scanlon FCD says

    All C’s for 100%

    It was easy though; I’d just been studying up on the rules for slavery and rape on that SCROTM site from a coupla threads back.

  58. JamesR says

    O% Pheww I thought that I might have caught something awhile back. Fortunately for tests like this we can gauge our own religiosity.

  59. This Is Me Posting says


    ‘Cause a lobster dinner with a shrimp cocktail appetizer is worse than raping and slave driving.

  60. kleomenes says

    I got 8%, because of the final question. Y’know, if the guy went to the effort of reattaching it, just to get into your lub, you might as well let him in.

  61. woodstein312 says

    I got a zero too… What was with the Bobbit question? Did I miss that passage in Leviticus? Thou Shalt Not Liveth Without the Full Measure of Thy Wang….?

  62. says


    Raised Christian, now effectively an apostate, accept God, reject the Bible or any part of it as the Word of God. Answered a couple of questions ‘b’, the rest ‘a’ But I’ve spaced which ones I answered ‘b’ because I do that sort of thing.

  63. Aquaria says

    0% heathen yippee!

    The slavery vs. rape question is probably immaterial, since I answered B on that one and still rated as a heathen.

  64. jomega says

    That was fun, though they did make it too easy for novices by making the last answer the “right” one for all the questions. Also, it would have been helpful to have citations for those answers, as a lot of people would not believe that stuff is in the Bible. I still plan on passing this around.

    Also, whatever you do, DO NOT watch “John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut”. Just don’t do it. You’re welcome.

  65. says

    Amusing but incorrect at points. For example, one question is “Your son has a nasty skin disease forming. You fear it is spreading. Should you:” and they have the correct answer as “Take him to a priest and have the priest slaughter a bird and sprinkle its blood on him.” but in fact that’s the mandated behavior after he has recovered from the illness, not what you do before (before hand amounts to quarantine).

    Many of the situations where they say one should kill someone aren’t correct because one needs a court to do so.

    There are other issues as well.

    Overall, I rate this as a B-. It is an old joke, we all know that the morality as laid out in the Bible isn’t so hot. If someone is going to do this they might as well try to be accurate about what the text says.

  66. Ruth says

    “I had trouble on #6: I can’t decide whether slavery or rape is worse.”

    I couldn’t decide on this one at first, either, but then I realised that since slavery frequently includes rape, that would make slavery worse.

  67. says

    At the risk of repeating what someone else might have noticed, I think this quiz would have been more effective if it explained WHY the “correct” answers were biblically correct.

  68. Jonathon says

    I, too, had the honor of failing this quiz and getting a zero score. The funny thing is that I intentionally made selections that I felt were consistent with the values and teachings of Jesus. Odd, how there would be such a discrepancy between Yahweh and Jesus on this one…. eh?

    In Jesus’ defense he never actually claimed to be God or a son of God. Perhaps that’s why there is a disconnect….

  69. T. Bruce McNeely says

    The Bobbitt question explained:

    Deuteronomy 23:1 – He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

  70. Lilith says

    I got 0% on the morality quiz (I’m a good little heathen, too, yay!) and then I did the one on the same page about how well I knew the Bible and got 88% (it says I’m a Biblical scholar).

  71. bonze says

    I scored 100%, because I had a sound Biblical upbringing and Know The Rules According to Deuteronomy. These rules may (or may not, depending on your interpretation of “jot” and “tittle”) have been radically altered by Jesus’ fabulous New Covenant, which may (or may not) allow males to retain their foreskins.

    Remember always, Jehovah sanctions slavery, strongly disapproves of rape, but rules that eating shellfish is an ABOMINATION!