Somewhere south of San Francisco, there is a billboard that declares that there is physical proof of the existence of a god, and which suggests that you read their website. A reader sent it to me, and being the sort of open minded fellow who doesn’t believe in any gods but is happy to look at any evidence someone might find, I looked.
I’m still an atheist. You can stop here if you want.
This thing is one big tease. It starts with a splash screen:
THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO
WITNESS A MIRACLE
ARE YOU READY?
Sure, I’m ready. Although, really, this is the web, that nest of lies, so it’s probably a bad idea to raise expectations so high right at the very beginning. So you click through to the next page and …
There now exists physical evidence…
for a message from God to the world. This marks the advent of a new era in religion; an era where FAITH is no longer needed. There is no need to “believe,” when one “knows.” People of the past generations were required to believe in God, and uphold His commandments ON FAITH. With the advent of the physical evidence reported on this site, we no longer believe that God exists; we KNOW that God exists.
Wow. OK. So tell me what this evidence is, already! It’s not a miracle for some wanker on the internet to make grandiose claims. Someday, I want to go to a site that proclaims a miracle and see a real miracle, like a pie miraculously floating above my keyboard, or a MySpace page that doesn’t look like technicolor vomit.
So I click through again. I want my floating pie.
The first physical evidence proving the existence of GOD.
There now exists physical evidence for a message from God to the world. This marks the advent of a new era in religion; an era where FAITH is no longer needed. There is no need to “believe,” when one “knows.” People of the past generations were required to believe in God, and uphold His commandments ON FAITH. With the advent of the physical evidence reported in this book, we no longer believe that God exists; we KNOW that God exists.
Hey, didn’t I already read that?
Such knowledge is ascertained through God’s final scripture, Quran, wherein overwhelming physical evidence has been encoded. Employing the ultimate in scientific proof, namely, mathematics, the evidence comes in the form of an extremely intricate code. Thus, every word, indeed every letter in Quran is placed in accordance with a mathematical design that is clearly beyond human ability.
Not only does the evidence prove the authenticity and perfect preservation of the Qur’an, but it also confirms the miracles of previous messengers including Noah, Abraham, Moses, David, and Jesus. None of us witnessed the parting of the Red Sea, or the virgin birth of Christ. However, upon reviewing the evidence presented here, and examining the appropriate narrations, the reader will be as positively certain as an eyewitness.
Wait; what? That’s the “miracle,” the “proof” — an exercise in numerology, another Bible code game, this time using the Quran? And when you dig a little deeper, it all consists of some enthusiastic moron declaring that it is amazing that the Quran uses the word “month” precisely 12 times.
I’m beginning to suspect that maybe we atheists are a bunch of mutants with weirdly wired brains, because without fail, every time I am presented an argument for the existence of a god, it is a pungent pile of watery crap. It’s never pie; I’m disappointed every time. And it’s not as if they even come close, like maybe they come up with a small biscuit or a tiny sliver of pastry; no, every goddamned time it’s this malodorous, reeking inanity accompanied by some squeaking, quacking idiot of an acolyte who tries desperately to reassure me that the maggoty filth he is bearing truly is a splendid pie.
This is true of every “proof” and scrap of “evidence” for any gods that Western culture provides: Anselm, Aquinas, Pascal, Paley, they’re all bakers of shit-pies. I read these with the same incredulity I do some crackpot Muslim who argues that the number 19 proves the existence of Allah. What is wrong with these people who try to make excuses for the inexcusably stupid? How can anyone read the Kalam Cosmological Argument and not break down laughing? All I can imagine is that the people who deal with these arguments are so used to raking over steaming offal and excrement and just plain bad arguments, that when they find one that the author did not intentionally take a piss in, they feel compelled to “ooh” and “aah” over it as a relative miracle.
Here’s a real miracle: I can take a pen, and drop it. Every time, it falls to the floor. I can drop it from different heights, I can drop different objects of different weights, I can measure its velocity and acceleration, I can go down the hall to a physics class and see students doing similar experiments, and getting similar results. I can find formulas that describe the behavior of dropped objects with amazing precision; I can even find equations that describe the behavior of objects outside my personal experience, like the movements of entire planets or of objects traveling near the speed of light. And these observations, measurements, laws, and theories are even useful, whether it’s for lobbing artillery shells at a target 10 miles away or sending a probe to the moon 250,000 miles away. I’m pretty well satisfied that gravity exists. I may not comprehend how it works, but the phenomenon has at least been satisfactorily dmeonstrated.
Yet when people try to tell me that there is something far more powerful and important than gravity, something that permeates the entire universe and has awesome knowledge and powers, that is greater than all and in control of the entirety of space and time, which personally and directly affects each individual on earth and offers them great gifts, like immortality and enlightenment and dominion, what do we get? Facile sophistry like petty farts in the wind.
Maybe it’s the premise that is the problem. The theologically minded all seem to believe that you can manifest a pie if only you believe fervently enough and wave your hands fast enough…but we all know that really, if you want a pie, you need flour and sugar and fruit and lard and effort and a hot oven and a bit of real-world expertise, and that the proof will be in the eating. We atheists may not be truly mutant; we just have practical standards that seem to have been cored out of the brains of people who fall for these silly “proofs” that are generally simply pulled out of a well-exercised sphincter.