Et tu, Archie?

Not that I was ever a fan of Archie comics, but I thought they were a little less inane than this:


You can read the whole thing online, if you want to. Sanctimony really doesn’t go well with corn, though.

(via Tikistitch)


  1. Digger says

    I was really surprised at how much that reads like a Chick tract. I’ve really got to wonder where they dug this one up!

    I don’t know, maybe it’s parody…?

  2. Rey Fox says

    Are you kidding? The church has been mixing sanctimony with corn decades now. Haven’t you flipped by the Christian station on the radio lately?

    I rather like the title of their evolution book though. I didn’t catch the whole “for the birds” thing at first though. I guess that’s a sly dig as far as these things go.

  3. Mithrandir says

    Oh man, I remember reading that one twenty years ago. That corn is so stale you could shave with it.

  4. says

    Hmph. I used to read these things when there was nothing else available at the dentist’s office (hence my negative associations.) Here are their guidelines:


    If you’ve surfed the site, you may have already gotten an idea of how concerned we are about the wholesomeness of our content. We are guided by our “WFOP” principles. Those aren’t just any four letters. They stand for something very important to us:

    * W-Wholesome
    * F-Family
    * O-Oriented
    * P-Products

    Everyone, both here at ArComEnt and at ACP, is committed to delivering entertainment that’s fun for the whole family.

    However, Laura Mallory has apparently not been paying close enough attention. Archie Comics still publishes Sabrina, The Teenage Witch!

  5. Akitagod says

    Wow! What a major blast from the past! As a Nazarene PK and aspiring cartoonist, this was the only type of comic my parents would let me read (to their knowledge). The thing that jumps out at me now that I’ve been free of evangelical mind prison for over a decade is how Archie’s “solution” involves hitting up the town’s most prominent businessman to establish a Christian bookstore. It’s all about power and money and the fearful lies that keep society in line.
    Incidentally, while “treasure hunting” in some dumpsters when I was about seven, I discovered a comicbook that really did help spark my path to freethought — it was a large format adaptation of “Planet of the Apes” and I read it until it fell to pieces. :D

  6. says

    Archie didn’t really seem to have strong Christian values to me. He was always switching between Betty and Veronica (and Cherry Blossom)…

  7. says

    yeah, i remember being very confused by these as a kid. totally out of whack with the continuity (well, what little there was) and disturbingly trippy – like, a lot of 60’s imagery, massive rainbows, that sort of thing.

  8. says

    Ah, yes, the crazy Christian Archies. I got a few of these one summer when I went to day Bible camp with a friend. (I went mainly to hang out; I wasn’t so much for the Jesus even then.)

    At any rate, I remember the one where Archie got a shiny new car, but kept driving the ol’ Jalopy every day of the week but Sunday. Yes, it was a wee bit heavy-handed, and even I, a fourth grader, got the message.

    That message, of course, being that Archie is really stupid, and who wants to take religion lessons from an idiot like that?

  9. Martin Pereyra says

    The Trading Post people are very honest and up front about their product. I respect that.

    Yeah: a filthy book is a filthy book is a filthy book. It doesn’t try to be something else. Unlike a Christian-Western Archie comic strip.

  10. Janine says

    69 cents?
    Damn but this comic is a filthy book. I am sure one could pick it up at the trading post. If they want to sell it at the xtian bookstore, better change the price.

    And the joke about the deputy. The hard dricking outlaw has a gun. Just shoot the big lug.

  11. arachnophilia says

    is it… a joke?

    it’s so hard to tell anymore. the reality is so much more ludicrous than the parodies…

  12. pie.rat says

    Oh man. You just reminded me that I have an Archie strip lying around somewhere that goes:
    Ms Grundy: “Who here believes in evolution?”
    Betty raises her hand.
    With a smug grin, Ms Grundy: “Then why do we still have monkeys?”
    Betty: “I guess some men just prefer to remain apes.”


  13. Boo says

    Did anyone else notice the swipe at integration? All the trouble began “ever since they started to bus students across the prairie!!!”

  14. synthesist says

    Help, I can’t concentrate on my work now – I must know about the Pelican.
    Archie and the Gang help a Suicidal Pelican find Jesus…

    The blond bit has interestingly shaped breasts – sins of the flesh ! (well ink anyway) sorry, must calm down now, too much coffee methinks. Pelicans hmmmm …

  15. xebecs says

    I saw this today:


    Did you see it in Baltimore? If so, I know the guy who is behind it.

  16. Winston Smith says

    “For the first time, Winston realized he was in the presence of a member of the Thought Police”. George Orwell.

  17. HP says

    PSA: Post 14 comes from a spambot, or a desperate human masquerading as a spambot. The vague content-free text tipped me off. The username link goes to a splog full of ripped-off content.

    Personally, I never understood the appeal of Archie comics. Now, if you could come up with an Evangelical Tales from the Crypt, that’d be something.

  18. says

    Personally, I never understood the appeal of Archie comics. Now, if you could come up with an Evangelical Tales from the Crypt, that’d be something.

    Nah… what they need is:

    The Call of Christhulhu

    The stars are right, and Jesus is coming, awakened from his slumber at R’yleh. Don’t wait for the judgement day. Pray now: Ia! Ia! Christhulhu Fhtagn! and maybe he’ll eat you first.

  19. Coragyps says

    Ah, the Brick Testament….

    the Second Circumcision (in Joshua) is the Mona Lisa of all Legodom. Maybe even the Sistine Chapel….

  20. says

    I think we’re all concerned about that poor pelican.

    The Wiki article also mentions another tome in the series called something like “Jughead’s Soul Food,” which sounds awfully crack-y.

  21. Justin Moretti says

    Having gone to an all-boys school, I can safely say that the upper right panel is absolutely correct. About the only thing the monkeys in the monkey house at the zoo did, that my classmates did not, was to swing from the ceiling and masturbate in front of everyone (sometimes simultaneously).

  22. Ray says

    I don’t know, I thought it was pretty good. There’s a certain facial expression of ineffable smugness that the godly somehow all seem to wear. I thought the artist captured it perfectly.

  23. says

    I get ideas that deserve three exclamation points when I’m oustide of a shop that sells dirty books, too.

    You know, in the back, they keep back issues of all the magazines, shrink-wrapped in random assortments of about 5 magazines sold for the price of 1? And if you ask me, the dirty magazines look the same this month as they did last month, so it’s not even a bargain… it’s better than a bargain.

    Archie’s idea wasn’t as good.

  24. says

    About the only thing the monkeys in the monkey house at the zoo did, that my classmates did not, was to swing from the ceiling and masturbate in front of everyone (sometimes simultaneously).

    They save that for the blog comments.