The search is over

The Intelligent Designer has been found, and his name is Phineas J. Schwartzfeld.

Phineas Schwartzfeld, who wears a mask and a garish purple and green costume emblazoned with the letters “I” and “D”, claims to be immortal and that he invented life, the universe, and everything else many thousands of years ago. He is currently wanted on several outstanding warrants for illegal firearm possession, littering, and substandard product assembly on platypuses, armadillos and New Hampshire’s Old Man of the Mountain (a large geological sculpture which collapsed in 2003 due to inherent structural defects).

Well, I guess I’m done now then.


  1. John says

    I hope this finally convinces you to abandon your bizarre cephalopod deification to worship the one true God, the Intelligent Designer. You must admit that a hominid deity that wears green and purple tights makes infinitely more sense. You are a man of science, after all.

  2. CaptainMike says

    Finally, someone to blame. Let’s grab some gasoline, shotguns and good stout rope and find this feller.

  3. ericnh says

    Geologists had said that the Old Man crumbled after a couple bad winters, but I refused to believe Mother Nature would be so cruel. Glad to know the real culprit has been found.

  4. says

    CaptainMike: It won’t do any good to go after him. He’s immortal. And it would be blasphemous to test the Creator anyway.

    But at least if he does prove flammable, believers will find some way to salvage his claims.

  5. Torbjörn Larsson says

    Someone wearing a green and purple dress can’t be a very intelligent designer. But I’m glad the Discovery Institute finally discovered *something*. Until they did they seemed as such frauds.

  6. CaptainMike says

    fontor: I didn’t say we should kill him. Let’s just hurt him a whole bunch.

  7. says

    Kristine: you know you’re going to Hell just for asking that, right?

    CaptainMike: then it’ll be plenary indulgence time for everyone!

  8. dbpitt says

    Wasn’t that on the state’s quarter. Ha, ha. They only got to design one quarter, and they had to choose the one object in their state that would be destroyed even before all fifty states were made.