“Oh Lord, we really prefer not to know”

Hello; my name is Cuttlefish, and I am a versaholic. (Hi, Cuttlefish!) It’s been just a few hours since my last “Rejected Canon” hymn (ok, a little more than a few–I did have to work, after all!), but I’ve fallen off the wagon! Another hymn it is… this one in 6/8 time, for those who care.

Oh, Lord, we really prefer not to know
We’ll take it on faith
No evidence needed
Lord, cognition we’ll gladly forego
And as the Lord sayeth,
His Word shall be heeded.

Knowledge is best when revealed from on high
And who’d prefer truth to a comfortable lie?

Lord, we really prefer not to know
We’ll all attend mass
And heed to your ruling
Lord, just call me enlightenment’s foe
Biology class
Is fun with home schooling!

Scientists wonder, “how ancient is Man?”
Far more important–he’s part of God’s Plan!

“In the beginning” my textbook begins
With Adam and Eve there in Eden
Knowledge is clearly the greatest of sins
The minimum’s all that we’re needin’

Lord, we really prefer not to know
Concern for our souls
Takes precedence ever
Lord, whatever you’d like to bestow
Our knowledge has holes
Still we think we’re clever

Is there a future attractive as this:
Spending our lives in an ignorant bliss?

Oh Lord, we really prefer not to know!

*****

edited to add….

Looks like this was the straw-hymn to break the camel’s back. This was great fun, and I thank the Making Light hosts for the opportunity to write these, but I think this will be the end of it. Do read their comments, though- #80 is far, far better than any of mine; it is, in my opinion, the only verse of the lot to come close to (let alone achieve) the potential stored in the title itself. This was a wonderful little exercise, and I thank all involved.

“I thank thee, God, for buttocks firm”

One more from the “Rejected Canon” (I can’t help myself–they’re like potato chips–I can’t stop!). This one will be considered offensive by some who defend the nastier bits of organized religion. Consider yourself warned.

I thank thee, God, for buttocks firm
For skin of alabaster
For pouting lips
Eyes dark as pips
Which rouse me all the faster

I thank thee, God, for rosy cheeks
For slender, active fingers
For winsome smile
Where, for a while,
My roving glance still lingers

I thank thee, God, for perfect voice,
A clear and pure soprano
The angels long
To hear a song
In forte or piano

…

I thank thee, God, the Bishop said,
For this small piece of heaven
So dear to me
Too bad that he
Will soon be turning seven

“You have to admit, this sounds pretty far-fetched”

Ok, last one. I promise. But these things are like heroin to someone like me…

You have to admit, this sounds pretty far-fetched
Certum est, quia impossibile
But my mem-o-ry has it indelibly etched
Certum est, quia impossibile
There once was a garden, with Adam and Eve
Along came a serpent, with plans to deceive—
What part of this tale am I s’posed to believe?
Certum est, quia impossibile

Lot’s Wife was transformed to a pillar of salt
Certum est, quia impossibile
The bible implies she herself was at fault
Certum est, quia impossibile
The sinning in Sodom, it made the Lord sore-eyed
She didn’t obey; now she’s sodium chloride—
A message which all of the “sinners of yore” eyed
Certum est, quia impossibile

Some children once pestered a man with no hair
Certum est, quia impossibile
Who prayed for revenge, and so God sent two bears
Certum est, quia impossibile
Which mauled all the kids in a terrible fight
And killed every one, with a blow or a bite,
So that next time, the children will act more polite
Certum est, quia impossibile

Then God gave us Jesus, to die for our sins
Certum est, quia impossibile
To re-write the books, so a new age begins
Certum est, quia impossibile
And Jesus was tortured and nailed to a cross
To render us clean, through his terrible loss
(Or maybe his dad was just showing who’s boss)
Certum est, quia impossibile

And ever since then, why, the message has spread
Certum est, quia impossibile
That mankind will live, because Jesus was dead
Certum est, quia impossibile
I have to believe them, they urge and implore,
For ethics, for morals, for peace evermore…
Then battle each other, in bloodthirsty war
Certum est, quia impossibile

It’s a nice simple form, in 3/4 time; feel free to add your own verses!

“Holy” like a Donut, “Holy” like Swiss Cheese

“Holy” like a donut, “Holy” like Swiss Cheese,
“Holy” like creationists’ own brand of expertise
“Holy” like a leper with some flesh-eating disease,
“Holy” like My Saviour’s feet, beneath his holy knees.

“Holy” like a colander, or like a piercéd ear,
“Holy” like a fishnet blouse, that’s so much more than sheer
“Holy” like a movie’s plot (The Bible’s, too, I fear)
“Holy” like My Saviour’s side, through which was thrust a spear.

“Holy” like a lake’s thin ice, a helpful signal warns
“Holy” like a matador who did not dodge the horns
“Holy” like John Dillinger, whom everybody scorns
“Holy” like My Saviour’s brow, beneath a crown of thorns.

“Holy” like a bagel, or like a leaky pail
“Holy” like security protecting your e-mail
“Holy” like my engine block, which leaves an oily trail
“Holy” like religion, just a grown-up fairy tale.

As with today’s earlier post, a bit of context.

“Even Cripples Praise Your Name”

God of Wisdom; God of Beauty
God of Water, Wind, and Flame
We, your subjects, do our duty:
Even cripples praise your name.

God, who cured the lowly leper,
Plays with mercy like a game–
Eking praise from each twelve-stepper
Even cripples praise your name.

Mangled feet and withered fingers
Malformed faces hung in shame
Still this love of God still lingers
Even cripples praise your name.

Thanks to Salk and vaccination
Fewer children now are lame;
Still, I see to my frustration,
Even cripples praise your name.

God, who could have cured the sickest;
God, who chose instead to maim;
Here is where the bullshit’s thickest:
Even cripples praise your name.

God receives Earth’s bounty’s credit,
Satan, only Evil’s blame–
Hordes of faithful zombies spread it:
Even cripples praise your name.

God, it’s really hard to swallow
You’re as good as you proclaim;
Now, to me, it all rings hollow:
Only cripples praise your name.

Cuttlecap tip to HP (glad to edit in your name, if you prefer), for pointing me to a bit of fun on Making Light. The idea is to take one of Molly Wilson’s “Rejected Titles for Hymns“, and … write the hymn. I may have to have fun with a few more. You should, too!

I Just Love A Good Vatican Scandal!

(Channeling Mark Russell, and wishing I could channel Tom Lehrer…)

The Vatican is rocked by scandal!
No more singing Bach or Handel;
Finding men to suit demand’ll
Get you in the end!
Caught on wire as he confesses
Finding dates for men in dresses;
Hold the tape and stop the presses,
Better to attend!

What’s the problem? Prostitution;
Finding, matching, distribution,
Knowing later absolution
Wipes you free of sin!
A chorister who likes duet work
Organized a proper network
Told the gigolos they’d get work;
“When can you begin?”

With ornate bedposts, leafed with gold, and sheets of finest satin
Your tips are better, we are told, if you can moan in Latin.

He’s lost the high ground in these quarrels
No more resting on his laurels;
If the Pope should speak of morals,
We can roll our eyes.
Throughout time, since Eden’s apple,
Till the current papal grapple,
Seems the urge to fuck a chap’ll
Always get a rise!

Hat tip, PZ, of course.

The Learned Judge Blair

The learned Judge showed mercy,
For she knew the man devout;
One cannot be religious, and
A brutal, lowly lout–
Religion shows the brighter light,
Not worldly, but sublime;
You’d never break a fellow’s jaw…
Except, of course, this time.

The learned judge, she reasoned
That forgiveness was the path;
She’d demonstrate God’s mercy
When she could have picked God’s wrath.
A judge who follows faithfully
Could never be a dunce;
She’d choose the wise and sober course…
Except, of course, this once.

The learned judge is hearing
From the slighted and the wronged
For speaking through her prejudice
As if such views belonged.
Some arguments belong in court,
But then again, some don’t;
The judge should learn from this mistake…
Except, of course, she won’t.

Judge Cherie Blair has suspended the sentence of a man found guilty of assault, on the basis that the convicted is “a religious man”. AC Grayling writes eloquently of the story on RichardDawkins.net. Cuttlecap tip to PZ.

Girl, 16, Buried Alive

How dare she talk to boys as friends!
It’s time to dig a hole
This is where her flirting ends!
It’s time to dig a hole
At sixteen years, a headstrong girl
Get in the hole and kneel
She used to be my precious pearl
Get in the hole and kneel
She would not bend to my demands
A shovel-full of dirt
So hold her tight and bind her hands
A shovel-full of dirt
The family council called for death
Ignore her cries and screams
Inhaling earth with every breath
Ignore her cries and screams
Our family’s honor is at stake
So bury her alive
We have a code we cannot break
So bury her alive
Throw more dirt down on her head
A daughter must obey
It took a while, but now she’s dead
A daughter must obey
My daughter’s gone, the shameless whore
A father’s word is law
But no great loss–I’ve got eight more
A father’s word is law


This is the hole where she died. Where her own family buried her alive. Where she breathed and swallowed dirt, kneeling with hands bound, until her death restored her family’s honor.

M.M., a 16 year old Turkish girl, had male friends she would talk to. It appears, according to reports, that this was the reason her own father and grandfather buried her alive.

This is one of those stories I cannot read without putting my daughter’s face on the victim’s. Sixteen was not that long ago.

Why Not Use The Bible As A Science Book?

It’s not hatred; it’s not loathing;
It’s the emperor’s new clothing,
And Creationism doesn’t have a stitch.
There’s no bible-methodology
That’s better than biology–
It seems a level playing-field’s a bitch.

When the real world’s more exciting
Than some Aramaic writing,
Cos it adds to what we know about ourself,
Then the bible’s contribution
When it comes to evolution
Is most useful when you keep it on the shelf.

See, the truth about the ages
Isn’t there within its pages
It’s a waste of time to even go and look
Science strives to see the lawful
But the bible’s frankly awful:
All in all, the perfect anti-science book!

Cuttlecap tip to PZ

On God And Haiti

“We stand here by the grace of God”
The quake survivors said,
And thanked Him they were not among
Two hundred thousand dead.
“What happened is the will of God”
But God receives no blame;
Survivors gather humbly, and
Sing praises to His name.
One wonders, in the aftermath,
If God is really there—
But which is worse: no God at all,
Or gods that do not care?

In a Saturday NYTimes op-ed, author James Wood ponders the various different invocations of God in the reactions to Haiti’s devastation, from Pat Robertson, to President Obama, to the Haitian survivors themselves.

[A] 27-year-old survivor, Mondésir Raymone, was quoted thus: “We have survived by the grace of God.” Bishop Éric Toussaint, standing near his damaged cathedral, said something similar: “Why give thanks to God? Because we are here. What happened is the will of God. We are in the hands of God now.” A survivor’s gratitude is combined with theological fatalism. This response is entirely understandable, uttered in a ruined landscape beyond the experience of most of us, and a likely source of pastoral comfort to the bishop’s desperate flock. But that should not obscure the fact that it is little more than a piece of helpless mystification, a contradictory cry of optimistic despair.

It is an interesting look at the use of God in such times.

For either God is punitive and interventionist (the Robertson view), or as capricious as nature and so absent as to be effectively nonexistent (the Obama view). Unfortunately, the Bible, which frequently uses God’s power over earth and seas as the sign of his majesty and intervening power, supports the first view; and the history of humanity’s lonely suffering decisively suggests the second.

Interesting, that either view still maintains a God. I wonder why it is that a god who either causes or allows such suffering is not consigned to history. My universe works just fine with no god at all.

****

In an update, I had a visit in the comments on the “Starving? Have a bible” thread. A representative of the company says he will bring the idea of including a radio receiver, to make the audio bible more useful in such disaster scenarios. I think there are contact details in the link to the company website from my older post, if anyone wants to deliver words of encouragement.