Marriage, Doggy Style

Jason, over at Lousy Canuck, reports that the American Family Association has sounded the alarm. Gay marriage, they tell us, leads to polygamy, to men wanting to marry their car, their building, their dog. Once you’ve opened the door an inch, it’s anything goes!

And I was reminded of something I wrote a while ago, about an actual (not hypothetical) wedding between a man and a dog. Of course, in real life (as opposed to the AFA), the slippery slope does not begin with Gay Marriage–rather, the slippery slope begins with superstition and religion. If you want to find bizarre, there is no more target-rich environment than religion (with the possible exception of performance art). The story, after the jump:

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Oh, Newt!

Ok, since this one was eaten by the upgrade, I’m reposting it.

Now that pretty much every GOP candidate has had a turn at the top of the polls, we finally see Newt Gingrich (within margin of error) in a tie with Mittens for the lead (.pdf) . Given the average turnaround we’ve seen, there’s a very real chance he’s already peaked and will plummet by the time I post this (and yes, his unfavorable rating is higher than his favorable), but I will probably never have another chance. This was originally written after the thrice-married Newt warned us about the dangers of same-sex marriage, and their threat to the sanctity of the institution he is so familiar with. It’s a favorite, and another one that’s long enough I’m gonna put it after the jump: [Read more…]

Donors Choose

“But look at the good that religions can do;
The hospitals, daycares, the soup kitchens too
They all let the love of the savior shine through
Like the light of the overhead sun”

Your invisible god has a bit of a quirk:
That good—every bit—is from people at work;
And working, not praying (“just clasp hands and shirk”)
Is how you get anything done.

So please join with me, and this atheist squad
(though your money’s still good if you worship a god,
Or an idol, a tree, or a cephalopod—
There’s really no way you can lose).

And click on the widget; follow the link
Root round a bit, and give it a think
And you’ve really helped students, as quick as a wink
By giving to Donors Choose

more, after the jump:
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Evolutionary Biology Valentines Day Poem

I have been reading quite a bit about Evolutionary Bio and Evo-Psych explanations of human behavior, of whether or not it is appropriate to apply these theoretical models to people–especially to the behavior of individuals, and all that. If I had the time, I’d probably write something coherent about it, and include this poem. But the truth is, I just (for very odd reasons) had occasion to read it to someone here in real life, and I realized that I had not put it up on the new digs yet.

In sociobiology,
Why I love you and you love me—
Which anyone can plainly see—
Is mostly in our genes.
No, not the ones you buy in stores,
But what a scientist explores–
I like the way you look in yours,
And you know what that means.

What subtly-coded stimulus
Takes you and me, and makes us “us”
And makes us feel ‘twas ever thus?
The list of suspects narrows.
No longer are we all a-shiver
From some Cupid with a quiver
Out of which he might deliver
Fusillades of Eros.

Nor Dopamine, nor Serotonin
Tell us why our hearts are moanin’
Though they serve to help us hone in
On–not why, but how;
The parasympathetic blush,
Adrenaline to bring a rush,
Are how, not why, I’ve got a crush
On you, my darling, now.

But if old Charles Darwin’s right,
The reason that the merest sight
Of you will always give delight
Is…reproductive fitness.
Throughout our species’ family tree,
Producing proper progeny
Is what determined you and me
And Darwin was the witness.

Is thinking that you’re oh so sweet
And how you’ll make my life complete
Some trick to make our gametes meet?
It seems it may be so.
I feel the way I feel today
Because some bit of DNA
Sees your genetics on display
And wants to say “hello.”

But think of this, for what it’s worth:
Millennia before my birth
That DNA had roamed the earth,
In residents thereof;
The neat thing is, it’s really true,
The feeling that I have for you
Although, of course, it feels brand-new
Is truly ageless love.

If Cole Porter Were An Evolutionary Psychologist…

It’s a reproductive message
And I’m passing it along
I read it in my DNA
And wrote it in this song
It’s just a reproductive message
A reproductive message to you

It’s an imperative of nature
It’s not just my excuse
There is no greater calling
Than “survive and reproduce”
It’s an imperative of nature
A reproductive message to you

I’m enamored of your phenotype
I’d love to share your genotype
I never thought I’d see no type like you
Your lovely physiology
Has triggered my biology
And now, no simple “golly gee” will do

So now my message is embedded
In meter and in verse
With music as the medium
I guess it could be worse
So long as someone gets embedded…
A reproductive message to you

We all are in the bidness
Of reproductive fitness
But now I fear I’m witnessing the end
Biology is boom or bust
And when it comes to love and lust
No future comes from being just a friend

And that’s the purpose of my singing
You’ve probably deduced
The music is irrelevant
Unless you’ve been seduced
And that’s the purpose of my singing
My reproductive message to you

Sciency stuff after the jump:
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No Disrespect Intended…

Our daughter’s getting married!
What a joyous, joyous day!
But we’re going to skip the wedding,
Cos you see, our daughter’s gay.

We love her more than life itself
And love her wife-to-be;
We’d never be judgmental, but
We simply can’t agree!

I mean no disrespect, of course,
I love her to the core—
It’s just that, when it comes to this,
I love religion more.

comments, after the jump:
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The Science Of Love: A Valentine

When science examines romantic attraction
(In other words, love and affection)
It uses the methods that serve us so well
But hearts can’t survive a dissection.
We study, in science, by breaking up problems
And looking at pieces and bits
Assemble the puzzle to show the big picture—
Assuming each smaller piece fits!
In life, we see love as a powerful feeling
It’s typically shared (say, by two);
You wouldn’t find love by examining neurons
But that’s something science might do.
A chemical cocktail assaulting the cortex,
Anandamide flooding the brain
Endogenous opiates running amok
And you’re either in love, or insane
Neurochemistry surely is crucial, I know,
But something important is missing
I’ve never encountered a brain, on its own,
With an interest in hugging or kissing.
Your genes play a part, I’m reliably told
By geneticists (likely, they’d know)
Though environment, epigenetically, molds
How those characteristics might show.
My heartbeat will race at the thought of your face
And my stomach gets tied in a knot
My fingers may tremble; my brow may perspire,
And other parts start feeling hot.
But none of these pieces can claim to be love
They’re mere tiles, in a larger mosaic
This modern view separates love into pieces;
My view is a bit more archaic
When I tell you I love you, you know what I mean:
Not only with all of my heart
Not only my brain, as complex as it is,
But all of me—every last part.
Looking through my blog stats, I have noticed the beginnings of the February Bump–the google hits for “biology valentines poem” or “scientific valentine” or the like (including charming misspellings).   And so, I give you this year’s offering.   Funny thing is, it looks like it is an argument against a science of love, and that is not at all my view.  I am very much in favor of using the power of science to study love; I’ve even taught a senior seminar, half of which was on love (the other half, war. go figure.).  What I am opposed to is reductionism masquerading as explanation.  Love is something that whole organisms (usually people, but if you’ve watched my cat…) do, not something that parts of organisms do.  A proper explanation of love is not one which points to neurotransmitters or hormones; if anything, that is the how of love, but not the what or why.
For the one-stop-shopping ease of my readers, allow me to link to a couple of earlier valentines: the one that gets the most hits is the Evolutionary Biology Valentine’s Day Poem.  It did make it to The Open Laboratory–the collection of the best science blog posts of that year.  Oddly enough, the previous year, Much Ado About The Brain? was featured in that year’s Open Laboratory (and it is a love poem, which explains the link), and the following year, A Scientific Valentine made the collection.  One I don’t recommend you use is What Do Women Want? (A Valentine’s Day Poem), but hey, if that works for you, go for it.  Lastly, one of my favorites that I will not give you permission to use is An Uncommon Valentine Poem.  That was for a particular person, and it is hers, so you can’t have it.
You have my permission, as per this post, to use these valentine verses if you wish.  Frankly, if you are in the sort of relationship where these are appropriate, you are an incredibly lucky person, and who am I to stand in the way of such a force of nature?  No payment is required.  However, having just found out that CuttleDaughter has been approved for a semester overseas, I would be tremendously grateful if those who use these verses and can afford to, would notice the tip jar over there to the right.  And, not that I’m voyeuristic or anything, but I’d love to hear about any positive (or humorous negative) reactions to these verses, if you do use one!

Cuttle-fish, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle!

First, the only viddy I could find with John Reed–from The Mikado, the beautiful “Willow, Tit-Willow” (and unless you are already familiar with the song, you need to watch it before continuing):

Unbelievably, this is is the only John Reed video I could find online! I can only hope that his fans will remedy the situation in the coming days.

Meanwhile, the organ which passes for my brain began twitching uncontrollably, and produced the following, purely fictional (I assure you!), work:

In a random encounter, a skeptical lass
Said “Cuttle-fish, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle–
There’s a DNA helix tattooed on my ass,
Oh Cuttle-fish, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle.
And because it’s a picture in sepia ink,
I thought I’d show *you*, just to see what you think.”
Then she turned on her heel, with a mischievous wink:
“Oh, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle!”

So I said “As a skeptic, you know what I need.”
“Oh, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle!”
“It’s evidence only, a skeptic must heed.”
“Oh, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle!”
“There are times when reality’s not what it seems,
But a manifestation of innocent dreams,
And you’ll melt into moonlight on watery beams”
“Oh, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle!”

As I followed along, she continued to flirt,
Singing “Cuttle-fish, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle!”
My attention she drew to the hem of her skirt–
“Oh, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle!”
Then she hypnotized me, with her magical tune,
And discreetly she showed me a lovely half-moon…
And I heard, through a fog, as I started to swoon…
“Oh, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle-fish, Cuttle!”

A Scientific Valentine

I write today of human love
Not as some gift from god above,
But scientific views thereof
From many different fields.
Each science may have different tools,
And so the scientific schools,
Although they may agree on rules,
Have very different yields.

The chemists say it’s chemistry;
Biologists, biology;
Astronomers say “Can’t you see?
It’s written in the stars!”
In physics there’s a certain view
Psychology can claim one too
(And one with naught at all to do
With Venus or with Mars)

I’ve read a scientist who writes
That mating pairs scale passion’s heights
To outmaneuver parasites—
That could, of course, be it.
I’ve also read, we may respond
To those to whom we’ve grown quite fond
Because a stable mating bond
Makes offspring much more fit.

They may (or may not) all connect,
As scientists may well expect.
If one of them is more correct
Then I am not aware
But I am yours, if you’ll be mine,
My scientific valentine,
Through random chance or will divine
I frankly do not care.