Oh, Newt!

Ok, since this one was eaten by the upgrade, I’m reposting it.

Now that pretty much every GOP candidate has had a turn at the top of the polls, we finally see Newt Gingrich (within margin of error) in a tie with Mittens for the lead (.pdf) . Given the average turnaround we’ve seen, there’s a very real chance he’s already peaked and will plummet by the time I post this (and yes, his unfavorable rating is higher than his favorable), but I will probably never have another chance. This was originally written after the thrice-married Newt warned us about the dangers of same-sex marriage, and their threat to the sanctity of the institution he is so familiar with. It’s a favorite, and another one that’s long enough I’m gonna put it after the jump:


I’ve been watching the news from California
Where an activist judge had his say
And conservative pundits now warn ya
You’ll only be safe if you’re gay
They talk to the networks and papers
And they speak of the dangers and harms
Then they swoon, with a case of the vapors
With their trophy wives clutching their arms

“They’re changing the meaning of marriage
The bonds that we used to hold dear
From a heterosexual pair-age
To a union a little more queer
A marriage is sacred and holy
Or at least, it has been so for me;
And perhaps a divorce, as a matter of course,
For to marry wife two or wife three”


I’ve been watching the queers at the courthouse
Where they pose for the cameras, and kiss
And although I’m not gay, there is one man today
Who I’d join in connubial bliss:

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
He’s perfection in only one man
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
So I’m thanking the courts that I can!

Cos Newt is an expert on marriage
A commitment “till death do us part”
He’s so smart, and so cute; he’s my teddy-bear Newt
And I love him with all of my heart

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
The conservative man I adore
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
And love him as “spouse number four”!

We’ll walk down the aisle together
On that wonderful, magical day
We’ll be “Mister and Mister”, and maybe Newt’s sister
Could give her big brother away

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
What a wonderful, marvelous thing!
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
I’ll be wearing Newt Gingrich’s ring!

Sure, he left his first wife on her deathbed
And he left “Mrs. Two” for “Miss Three”
But with Newt on my arm, I say, “fourth time’s a charm!”
He’ll be happier married to me!

Yes, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
He’s perfection in only one man
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich,
So I’m thanking the courts that I can!


  1. Okasen says

    Is there a tune you had in mind for the song? Because it is wonderful and I want to be able to sing it loudly in public.

  2. Cuttlefish says

    I nearly always have a specific tune in mind, but it’s usually original, and thus a bit hard to convey. This one is Tom Lehrer/Mark Russell-esque (I don’t put them in the same category, but the Venn Diagram intersection is where this tune lives). By all means, feel free to write a tune for it and sing it!

  3. says

    ‘We’ll be “Mister and Mister”, and maybe Newt’s sister’

    That brought a startling image to mind until I read the next line.

  4. Okasen says

    Oh wow, I can totally imagine Lehrer singing it now (though sadly I’m not familiar enough with Mark Russel to see him in it too).

    Time to figure out a Lehrer-y tune!

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