So I know, I am late getting to this, and the whole thing is over. And I know, the idea of “Lady Doritos” was never really a thing, and the kerfuffle was a tempest in a teapot, one of those internet bomb cyclones that lasts about as long as it takes to say “bomb cyclone” and disappears.

But as I was shoveling the driveway this morning (6 inches of snow followed by an inch of rain, followed by freezing. So it was fun.), it occurred to me that there was a much better name than #doritogate (also #LadyDoritos, also #DoritosForWomen), and I couldn’t wait to find out that I was the seven millionth person to have this idea… but I can’t find it anywhere!

How did no one see this as…. the War Against Crispness?

So, with apologies to myself, I give you:

What did you do in the War Against Crispness?
What did you do in the War?
Did you swear not to munch
If it didn’t go crunch
It could sit and go stale at the store
Did you start online groups
For supporting our Scoops
With Tostitos your brand evermore?
What did you do in the War Against Crispness?
What did you do in the War?

How did you fare in the War Against Crispness?
How did you fare in the War?
Did you plan your campaigns
To appeal to the Janes
In the hopes you could sell a few more?
Did you ever once think
“Hey, let’s make them in pink!—
That’s the color that ladies adore!”
How did you fare in the War Against Crispness?
How did you fare in the War?

Let’s raise a glass to the War Against Crispness!
Let’s raise a glass to the War!
Drink a health to your branch—
(Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch)
And remember those battles of Yore!
Every story or tale
(How we found them on sale!)
Will be cherished and passed down as lore—
Let’s raise a glass to the War Against Crispness!
Let’s raise a glass to the War!

As always, more verses encouraged in the comments!