In the closing of yet another post about the accommodationism skirmish, PZ lays claim to a magical, mystical, supernatural (and thus beyond questioning and deserving of utmost respect) source of knowledge:
There are limits to what we can attack as bad ideas.
But, apparently, there are no limits to the absurdities that the religious can advance.
It’s an asymmetrical situation that will be maintained as long as we have people insisting that we grant religious ideas a specially protected status. I reject that — I’m going to insist that it is fair game to attack the obvious failings of religion. And it’s not because I am unaware of the limitations of my knowledge, or because I believe I’m flawlessly rational.
It’s because the invisible monkeys in my pants dart out every once in a while to whisper the truth in my ear, in the ancient language of omniscient primates. And that is a source of knowledge nobody can attack me on, by Wilkins’ rules.
Not that I am a devout invisibleflyingmonkeyist*, but I wanted to get in on the ground floor before all the good hymn-writing was already over. (*I know, PZ does not specifically mention that his invisible monkeys fly, but neither does he deny it, and what is a religion without bloody internal disagreement? Besides, “flying”, at 2 syllables, worked a lot better than “invisible” at four.)
So I wrote the first hymn:
There are limits, this I know
Flying monkeys tell me so
Darting out from in my pants
They’re the source for all my rantsYes, flying monkeys
Yes, flying monkeys
Yes, flying monkeys
The monkeys tell me soThough no light they do reflect
They deserve your full respect
None can claim that they’re absurd
You’ll just have to take my wordYes, flying monkeys
Yes, flying monkeys
Yes, flying monkeys
The monkeys tell me soMonkeys see the men obey
All the things religions say
Monkeys want to play that, too
Monkey see and monkey doYes, flying monkeys
Yes, flying monkeys
Yes, flying monkeys
The monkeys tell me so
Ok, the trick is, it has been so long since the last time I heard the original that I had forgotten pretty much all of the words. So I had to look them up online. Turns out there is a metric crapload of additional verses, some adequate, some utterly atrocious. Seriously, take a look.
Now, the fun. It is so incredibly easy to write these verses, I cannot in good conscious keep all the fun for myself. Do your best, and do your worst! (Again, look at the link–apparently, both rhyme and meter are optional; you can always claim yours was a parody!)
And may the magic invisible flying monkeys be with you.
It's no use measuring a crapload in metric; fundies won't know what you're talking about. For some reason it's an article of faith to them that their monkeys – I mean their god, prefers measuring craploads in feet and pounds.
There are monkeys you can't seeLiving in my pants with meThey assure me that I'm rightBy their grace we'll win this fightchorusDarting here and darting thereLeaping from my underwearStopping discourse in its tracksTo save us from mendacious flackschorus
I am just a human beingBiases keep me from seeingWhen I'm right and when I'm wrongI am weak but they are strongYes, flying monkeysYes, flying monkeysYes, flying monkeysThe monkeys tell me soMonkey boys and monkey girlsLiving in a trouser worldThey see things that I can't seeLuckily, they talk to mechorus[You'll note that I'm taking your advice on rhyme and meter to heart. Also, it's a good thing I have to leave the house in an hour or so, or I'd be monopolizing your comments all day.]
[Oh, God. It's like eating those shrimp puff snacks from the Asian market. Now that I've started I can't stop. Once you start exploring synonyms for "monkey" and "pants," it opens up a whole new world.] Incorporeal baboonsDwell within my pantaloonsVerities that they impartLie eternal in my heartchorusSimians of every sizeIn my slacks materializeYou can't see them but they're thereJust beyond my pubic hair
What an amazing coincidence, I drew a cartoon on Magic Invisible Flying Monkeys on my blog not two weeks ago. Probably this is an example of direct Subluminant Avo-simian intervention.Invisibules Comic #12
Another new religion starting off with a schism!
Jesus loves me, this I know,dons fresh condom for each go
Before now, all PZ's postingsWere subject to hellish roastingsNow monkeys bestow singularblessings on Blog Pharyngula chorus What these chimpanzees do sayEvery word I must obeyThough the monkeys invisible beTheir raison d'etre's plain to see–wishing (ihacan)