To The Senator’s Health!

PZ reports that Senator Tom Harkin regrets that his National Center for Complimentary and Alternative Medicine has done what I, for one, would have bet against: it has disproven “too many” alternative therapies.

I wonder if we can get something to make the Senator feel better…

The Senator is needing
A colonic or a bleeding
Or perhaps a dose of radium to give a healthy glow.
My alt-med guru teaches
That the use of sterile leeches
Would give balance to his humours, and would help his chi to grow.
Hydrotherapy and spinning
Would be only the beginning;
An emetic or a purgative would do his body good
Ground-up rhino horn or penis
And a sacrifice to Venus
Will do more to swell his thinking than viagra ever could!
A double dose of calomel
Would do his tired body well
Or drink colloidal silver till his skin is vivid blue
Elective psychosurgery,
As anyone can plainly see,
Is something that could keep his thinking on the straight and true
We can mix some herbs and spices
Bought at legislators’ prices
With the urine of donkey, for the Senator to drink–
But despite our urgent praying
We recall the ancient saying:
You can vote a man to Senate, but you cannot make him think.

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  1. says

    To Lindsay,With His ParticularComplementsHe might claim her intestineIs merely the best inThe state,tho he hasn’t yet seen it.She may claim my physiqueIs of beauty uniqueIn a tone that suggests she can’t mean it.They don’t test your IQBut inform you that youAre a ways beyond Einstein and Edison?Then we might want to fleeTo another MDWho eschews Complimentary Medicine.If I’m scratching my eyeAnd complain of a styeShe just notes that it’s pretty in pink.Or they ask for a sampleAnd I give one that’s ampleAnd they just report it doesn’t stink,When I’m way overweightThey aver I look greatSo they may be some docs I should jettison,As I’m in no conditionTo employ a physicianWho employs Complimentary Medicine.If they say it means “free”I’d ask “How can that be?Do you just diagnose on a hunch?”They of course shouldn’t bill usFor a course that could kill usBut I think we’ll find there’s no free lunchWhen they can’t say enoughFor “alternative” stuffAnd enthuse on the straits that they get us in.Whether wielding a hypoA mistake or a typoLet’s avoid “Complimentary” Medicine!

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