The Vogons have landed


You know how everything Trump says should be read as pure projection? When he complains about corruption it’s because he’s about to launch a kleptocracy, etc.? You should read the poem written for his inauguration.

My god.

Oh my fucking god.

Come out for the Domhnall, ye brave men and proud,
The scion of Torquil and best of MacLeod!
With purpose and strength he came down from his tower
To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power.
Now the cry has gone up with a cheer from the crowd:
“Come out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!”
When freedom is threatened by slavery’s chains
And voices are silenced as misery reigns,
We’ll come out for a leader whose courage is true
Whose virtues are solid and long overdue.
For, he’ll never forget us, we men of the crowd
Who elected the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
When crippling corruption polluted our nation
And plunged our economy into stagnation,
As self-righteous rogues took the opulent office
And plump politicians reneged on their promise,
The forgotten continued to form a great crowd
That defended the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
The Domhnall’s a giver whilst others just take,
Ne’er gaining from that which his hands did not make.
A builder of buildings, employing good men,
He’s enriched many cities by factors of ten.
The honest and true gladly march with the crowd
Standing up for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
True friend of the migrant from both far and near,
He welcomes the worthy, but guards our frontier,
Lest a murderous horde, for whom hell is the norm,
Should threaten our lives and our nation deform.
We immigrants hasten to swell the great crowd
Coming out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
Academe now lies dead, the old order rots,
No longer policing our words and our thoughts;
Its ignorant hirelings pretending to teach
Are backward in vision, sophomoric in speech.
Now we learnèd of mind add ourselves to the crowd
That cheers on the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
The black man, forgotten, in poverty dying,
The poor man, the sick man, with young children crying,
The soldier abroad and the mother who waits,
The young without work or behind prison gates,
The veterans, wounded, all welcome the crowd
That fights for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
Whilst hapless old harridans flapping their traps
Teach women to look and behave like us chaps,
The Domhnall defends the defenseless forlorn;
For, a woman’s first right is the right to be born.
Now the bonnie young lassies that fly to the crowd
Have a champion in Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
But for all his great wisdom, the braw gallant man
Is matched by his children, the handsome Trump clan,
And the flower of Europe, Melania the fair,
Adds a luster and grace with her long flowing hair.
May they flourish and prosper to form a great crowd
Around the good Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!
Is there man left in Scotland, without base alloy,
Who remembers the Wallace, the Bruce, or Rob Roy?
Or have five hundred years of a blasphemous lie
Robbed your manhood of might that you lay down and die?
Get up and walk free, all ye brave men and proud!
Long life to the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

JESUS, I’M BLIND! Or at least, I’ve really got a terrible headache.

Don’t tell the Cuttlefish. He’ll be whirling in his grave, moments after that poem killed him.

I’m doing him no favor, but I will acknowledge the author, Joseph Charles MacKenzie of The Society of Classical Poets, who, I think, might be related to Ewan McTeagle.

Comments

  1. johnwoodford says

    Not to, you know, clutter this up with facts, but IIRC Trump is about as Scottish as BMW. Of course, having an inaugural poem in German might be taken the wrong way….

  2. says

    Ewan McTeagle.

    Is that Chuck Tingle’s real name?

    Actually, if they had inauguration poetry by Chuck, I’d watch. Because I do sort of feel slammed in the butt by the inauguration.

  3. Rob Grigjanis says

    Anne @3: Beat me to it. At least McGonagall was practical;

    I must now conclude my lay
    By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
    That your central girders would not have given way,
    At least many sensible men do say,
    Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
    At least many sensible men confesses,
    For the stronger we our houses do build,
    The less chance we have of being killed.

  4. says

    There was an offering in the comments below, on the site where the poem is posted. I like it:
    “Donald, you are a putz,
    I really hate your gutz”

    It’s haiku-like, capturing the spirit of the times in brevity and clarity, unlike a tweet from the Trump.

  5. says

    You might be unable to actually read through the whole thing, but there is so much to reward you.

    Obama:

    With purpose and strength he came down from his tower
    To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power.

    Mexicans:

    He welcomes the worthy, but guards our frontier,
    Lest a murderous horde, for whom hell is the norm,

    But just after that,

    We immigrants hasten to swell the great crowd
    Coming out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

    Academics:

    Academe now lies dead, the old order rots,
    No longer policing our words and our thoughts;
    Its ignorant hirelings pretending to teach
    Are backward in vision, sophomoric in speech.

    So now people like this “poet” get to take over.

    Now we learnèd of mind add ourselves to the crowd
    That cheers on the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

    Feminists:

    Whilst hapless old harridans flapping their traps
    Teach women to look and behave like us chaps,

    Truly a stunning piece of work in both form and content.

  6. jblumenfeld says

    I… I couldn’t read the whole thing… but…

    I’ve read some bad poetry before. I mean, I took a couple of Freshman poetry courses where we had to read our ‘work’ out loud. And I’ve played D&D with some pretty serious DMs…

    But oh my god. As Mark Twain said about the Opera, “I haven’t seen anything like it since the orphanage burnt down.”

  7. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    Marcus Ranum #6 Great Find. Fits my sentiments toward Trump to a tee.

  8. Siobhan says

    I’m not sure if this is facetious or celebratory.

    Adding to PZ:

    The Domhnall defends the defenseless forlorn;
    For, a woman’s first right is the right to be born.

    There’s your pro-birth, too.

  9. Rob Bos says

    I’m not unfamiliar with Scottish poetry, and a good chunk of it, 18-19th century and whatnot, was used as exactly this kind of bad political posturing, in similar style. This honestly? is exactly in keeping with political tracts of the time. Same sort of terrible rhyming and blatant political references. It would fit right in with the canon.

    So it’s a little amusing to see.

  10. cartomancer says

    Is… is this sort of nonsense normal for a Presidential inauguration? I mean, obviously not this bad, but… is there usually a poem so eye-wateringly propagandistic it would make a North Korean information minister step back and mumble “bit much there guys…”?

    And it doesn’t even scan properly!

  11. UnknownEric the Apostate says

    Come gather round, children, to gaze at the Trump
    oh, sorry, that’s only an elephant’s dump.

  12. jrkrideau says

    I’m not sure if this is facetious
    I never even considered that it could be serious. It isn’t, is it?

  13. says

    What’s this bit about a “blasphemous lie” for five hundred years?

    Or have five hundred years of a blasphemous lie
    Robbed your manhood of might that you lay down and die?

  14. fledanow says

    I expect the plan is to print this on broadsheets and sell it at the inauguration for a penny a piece.

  15. The Mellow Monkey says

    I can see where the poet drew inspiration and where the poet completely and utterly failed. Yes, it does indeed read like a talentless bard sucking up to the newest tyrant on the throne. Very historical, that. It would be hilarious if I didn’t think that “new tyrant on the throne looking for suckups” is exactly how Trump plans to handle the presidency.

  16. Great American Satan says

    So much love for manliness just in the horrid glimpses (I am not reading this). I want to know how much Scotland will despise this shit. Come Scots… Burn this thing down.

    Ranum @4&6, I love it.

  17. says

    Whilst hapless old harridans flapping their traps

    Gee, I’m so darn flattered I’d like to congratulate the er, poet, by breaking his quill and shoving his keyboard where the sun doesn’t shine. Have to keep up that harridan rep, y’know.

  18. cartomancer says

    I did just happen across this little comparison on youtube though, which clearly shows that Donald Trump was predicted down to the last detail in the 1990s by a US rubber-suits-and-puppets comedy show called Dinosaurs. I never saw the programme myself but… ye gods if it wasn’t prophetic

  19. tomhuld says

    Brian @15&23

    Or maybe the reformation? Luther in 1517? Could be a Catholic nut mixed in with the others in the bag.

  20. What a Maroon, living up to the 'nym says

    @johnwoodford,

    Der Donald’s mother was from Scotland.

    And on that note, is it too late to renounce my Scottish heritage?

  21. Brian English says

    So, Domhnall is Donald in Gaelic?
    And McLeod means son of Leod, which is derived from Ugly in Norse?

    The best of Donald, the best of the son of Ugly?

    I don’t get the joke. Americans do irony in ways this Aussie doesn’t get.

  22. gijoel says

    I think my intestines grabbed control of my eyeballs and forced them to turn away from this horror in a desperate attempt to save my life.

  23. The Mellow Monkey says

    Brian English: His mother’s maiden name was MacLeod. There is zero cleverness involved here.

  24. Brian English says

    Which culture is more praised? Irish, English? I apparently have ancestors from at least those countries.

    Can I have a poem written about ‘The best of Brian, bogan scion of the Angles’?

    Nah, pretentious gack like that doesn’t fly around here, just be mocked for being a latte sipping wanker.

  25. mcbender says

    MacLeod is a real Scottish clan, and apparently Trump’s mother was Scottish (her maiden name was Mary Anne MacLeod), so I guess that’s where this comes from. Never mind that the Scots despise him and his golf courses.

    I was hoping there was a funnier explanation – my partner pointed out that MacLeod is also the clan from Outlander, so we wondered if some clueless hack took inspiration from there and didn’t realise there were multiple clans in Scotland, but sadly (see above) Trump apparently has legitimate claim to that heritage.

    That doesn’t make the poem any less ludicrously shite. (I’ve written published poetry so I can claim the relevant expertise to condemn it, no?)

    Also, @cartomancer that dinosaur video is amazing and everyone should see it

  26. rietpluim says

    Actually I quite liked it. I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly effective.

    What would the Sìol Tormoid think of it?

  27. Brian English says

    @What a maroon and @The mellow Monkey
    Thanks, I feel silly thinking that that hagiography would contain some spark.

  28. mcbender says

    … apparently it’s Highlander, not Outlander, we mixed it up. Still would’ve been funny.

  29. Cuttlefish says

    .
    .
    .
    I take back everything I said about wishing poets used rhyme and meter like they used to.

    I have a MacLeod of Lewis hunting tartan scarf. ‘Scuse me while I go burn it.

  30. rietpluim says

    Bless Jesus Christ, O Domhnall,
    With grateful lifted eyes,
    Who said that not the soul alone
    But body too, must rise:
    For had He said, “the soul alone
    From death I will deliver;”
    Alas! alas! O Domhnall,
    Then thou hadst slept for ever.

  31. What a Maroon, living up to the 'nym says

    Rob Bos sez,

    I’m not unfamiliar with Scottish poetry, and a good chunk of it, 18-19th century and whatnot, was used as exactly this kind of bad political posturing, in similar style. This honestly? is exactly in keeping with political tracts of the time. Same sort of terrible rhyming and blatant political references. It would fit right in with the canon.

    Here is a more entertaining example about another (fictional) Donald set to music.

  32. Terska says

    Someone in the comments there noticed it has the same rhythm as The Night Before Christmas.

  33. blf says

    What a Maroon@46, Beat me too it!

    (On a sad note, the brilliant singer, Andy M. Stewart, died about a year ago.)

  34. davidc1 says

    Off topic ,having a argument online with somebody ,he says that 20 million people won’t loose their health care ,he says reports saying they will are just Democrat lies and fake news .
    Could anyone tell me the facts.

  35. says

    ill-gotten power

    projection, see the popular vote in favor of Hillary, etc.

    As self-righteous rogues took the opulent office
    And plump politicians reneged on their promise,

    Totally describes Trump.

    backward in vision, sophomoric in speech

    Totally describes Trump.

    we learnèd of mind add ourselves to the crowd

    lol, nope.

    We’re sure this isn’t a joke?

  36. malta says

    There once was a man in a tower
    Who lusted so much after power
    To the K, K, and K
    He was more than okay
    And he never got clean with a shower.

  37. futurechemist says

    The rhyme scheme of this poem made me think of “Yertle the Turtle”, which has an anti-authoritarian message.

  38. nelliebly says

    Can someone please tell me if this is satire or sincerity, as under the incoming administration I have lost the ability to tell the difference.

    It has to be satire, right? I mean nobody could write that and think, in earnest, that they had done a good job.

  39. Cuttlefish says

    The more I read the verse, the more convinced I am that it is intended as satire. The more I read about the writer, the less so.

    I did have to take another look at The Dunciad to see it done properly.

  40. kayden says

    @UnknownEric the Apostate (#13):

    “Come gather round, children, to gaze at the Trump
    oh, sorry, that’s only an elephant’s dump.”

    I can’t stop laughing at this. Perfect.

    To any of you who plan to protest Trump on Saturday, hope you all stay safe as Trump supporters are already hoping for violence. Funny how they overlooked the violence at Trump rallies which was encouraged by Trump himself.

    http://www.theamericanconservative.com/dreher/trump-john-lewis-and-american-dissolution/comment-page-2/#comment-8124658

  41. says

    Wonkette covered the poem thoroughly, with a mix of humor and disdain.
    Link

    Wonkette notes that on his website Charles McKenzie markets his poetry like this:

    I offer you poetry that is …
    Beautiful 100%
    Meaningful 100%
    True 100%

    […] His website also notes that he was on French TV one time, and that he translated a bunch of poems from the French Renaissance into Middle English, which was not a thing anyone wanted or that even made any sense, given that people stopped speaking Middle English at around the time the French Renaissance started. Basically that is about as useful as someone 400 years from now translating this poem that he just wrote into Esperanto.

    The poem itself is meant to be an ode to Trump’s Scottish ancestry, and it’s received some press already over the fact that it refers to President Obama as a tyrant — but honestly, that is not even the dumbest part of it. It is a tale told by an idiot, about an idiot, and what it lacks in sound and fury, it makes up for in absolutely nothing. […]

  42. Gregory Greenwood says

    mcbender @ 33 and 36;

    … apparently it’s Highlander, not Outlander, we mixed it up. Still would’ve been funny.

    There can be only one!

    Sadly, I doubt there will be any helpful passing Immortal prepared to get us out of this jam by making teh Trumprat a head shorter…

  43. says

    Wonkette is hosting an Inaugural Poetry Contest.
    Link

    […] Greetings, Culture Vultures, Poetasters, rotten vegetables vendors, would-be Vogons, […] The emergence (eruption? extrusion?) of that incredibly bad Trump Inaugural Poem, “Pibroch of the Domhnall,” by self-published lyrical poetry genius and “celebrated American poet Joseph Charles MacKenzie of the Society of Classical Poets” has obviously gotten your creative juices flowing, or at least stimulated your gag reflex and peristalsis, so we must needs formalize this great moment of cultural ferment with an Official Wonkette Donald Trump Inaugural Poetry Contest.

    The rules are simple: Post your poetic effusions in the comments to this post (yes, even if you posted them elsewhere; we are not traipsing over three or four threads looking for entries) or email them to yr Dok Zoom with subject line “Poetry Contest” to doktorzoom at-sign wonkette dot com.

    Also, too, keep in mind these “author’s notes” by Joseph Charles MacKenzie, from the poem’s official, officious website:

    § The refrains at the end of each stanza are to be recited by the Inaugural crowd.
    § A Pibroch is a rallying bagpipe tune and is pronounced like “PEA-brohgh.”
    § Domhnall, the Scottish form of the name Donald, is pronounced like “TONE-all”
    § Torquil was the royal progenitor of the MacLeods of Lewis, the outer hebridean island and birthplace of President Trump’s immigrant mother, Mary Anne MacLeod.

    Entries will be judged on purely arbitrary criteria, but we’re probably looking for elements such as funny, creative ‘n’ shit, […], and most importantly, that delicate balance wherein your poem is intentionally, knowingly bad, without quite slipping over the line into stupid bad, […]

    Obscenity is allowed but not mandatory, and no, the words “Fuck Trump” printed several hundred times will not work, unless you manage to turn it into ascii art of Trump Tower. And maybe not even then. Also, this being a contest in honor of Donald Trump, outright bribery of the judges is fine with us; blackmail not so much.
    […]

    An example is provided:

    Two roads diverged in a wood and I, I …

    TOOK THE ONE WITH ALL THE [P-Word] ON IT THAT LED TO THE RIVER FULL OF PEE, MY NAME IS DONALD TRUMP, I AM THE PRESIDENT NOW

    And that has made all the difference.

    –Evan Hurst

    The poem to which Cuttlefish linked in comment 39 is also provided as an example of what Wonkette is seeking.

  44. Jessie Harban says

    Actually, I quite liked it.

    I thought some of the metaphysical imagery was particularly effective and the rhythmic devices were interesting.

  45. Vivec says

    He welcomes the worthy, but guards our frontier,
    Lest a murderous horde, for whom hell is the norm,
    Should threaten our lives and our nation deform.

    Holy shit that’s some vintage racist imagery there.

    If you told me this was a line from Bioshock Infinite, I’d say it was too hamfisted

    Compare This
    “For god and country, it is our holy duty to guard against the foreign hordes”

  46. What a Maroon, living up to the 'nym says

    blf@50,

    Yeah, I just learned about his passing when I found that link. Feck it all, one less noble thinker, scholar and great drinker….

  47. Jonah Glou says

    Trump is horrible. However…

    This is just a poem that some goofball cranked out “in honor of the inauguration”.

    It is not “the inaugural poem”. It wasn’t commissioned by Trump. It will not be read at the inauguration. This guy will not be the poet laureate.

    (I think some people understand this and are just enjoying being horrified that anyone could write this. Others seem misled and are asking if this kind of thing is normal at American inaugurations, etc.)

  48. raefn says

    Oh, he’s completely serious. While exploring his website, I found this, one of many chunks of pomposity excreted there

    One of my professors, an Oxonian named Charles Bell, indicated that some of my sonnets surpassed many of Shakespeare’s. Indeed, a sequence of 154 sonnets I had then completed later received First Place in the Long Poem Section of the Scottish International Poetry Competition. While in Scotland, I was privileged to meet the last of Alba’s great lyric poets, the Lallans bard Samuel Gilliland, who remains my mentor in English lyric verse to this day.

    For more of his truly execrable abuse of the English language – https://mackenziepoet.com/

  49. bonzaikitten says

    I feel bad for clan MacLeòid, that some twit is announcing to the world that Trump is the best of their clan. Not even by a long shot. Especially not when people like Andrew MacLeod are around. http://www.africalink.org.au/index.php?id=68

    And using Domhnall that way, to imply that Trump (rightfully) rules the world? Blech.
    You know what, I feel bad for clan MacDomhnall too, now.

  50. What a Maroon, living up to the 'nym says

    So it turns out that his arithmetic is about as good as his poetry.

    The number seventy-seven coincidentally references a conversation between Jesus and St. Peter reported by St. Matthew. To Peter’s question about forgiving seven times those who sin against him, Jesus responds: “I say not to thee, till seven times; but till seventy times seven times.”

    I love Xian math. 1+1+1=1, pi=3, and 70*7=77.

  51. bargearse says

    It’s even worse than I originally thought. Apparently the poet intended it as some sort of call and response piece. The lines that end “the best of Mcleod” are supposed to be chanted by the assembled masses as someone up front recites the rest. That sounds very similar to how prayers work in a lot of church services.

  52. dianne says

    Sir, you insult Vogon poetry! I mean it. Any self-respecting Vogon would have thrown the poet out the airlock at the third line.

  53. chrislawson says

    Say what you will about McTeagle. At least he understood the plight of the working poor.

  54. Azkyroth, B*Cos[F(u)]==Y says

    Dear Joseph Charles MacKenzie:

    There’s a reason some poets stick to rhyming with the colors of roses and violets.

  55. mcbender says

    Do you know what keeps going through my head? The refrain of this goddamn thing (“Come out for the Domnhall, the best of MacLeod”) has exactly the same syllabary rhythm as “the hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne”.

    That parallel amuses me far more than it ought, what with that song also imputing virtue to a person who intended no such thing, and the guy being played by a Baldwin on top of that…

  56. birgerjohansson says

    For Vogon poetry to be properly appreciated, the victim should be tied to a chair, with methaphor amplifiers wired into the headphones.
    — — —
    There is a French absurdist play named “King Ubu”.
    It would be appropriate to have it performed at the inauguration.

  57. birgerjohansson says

    This poem would be great in an episode of Black Adder, with Baldric as performer.

  58. yoav says

    Until today I assumed he would finish his speech with Hail Hydra, but I guess “There can be only one” would work too.

  59. laurian says

    Seeing how Zaphod Beeblebrox got installed as POTUS nothing could be more apt than Vogon poetry.

  60. tbp1 says

    Reminds me of “Emmeline Grangerford” in Huckleberry Finn, a parody of a real terrible poet named Julia Moore. Who was it that said that one of the hallmarks of bad poetry was how terribly sincere it is?

  61. woozy says

    Reminds me of Mad Magazine at its 1971 best.

    @87

    Snopes says this is not his inauguration poem. It was not commissioned or approved by Trump. Someone was just really inspired by him and wrote it.

    Yes, but neither PZ nor the linked article claimed it was. Well, “for” can be misleading but it isn’t incorrect.

  62. whirlwitch says

    I am an actual for-real member of Clan McLeod, and I resent associating Dumpster with it in any way, shape or form, much less as any kind of “best”.

    I also believe laurian @89 is insulting Zaphod Beeblebrox. Zaphod was much hoopier. And Trump may tell you he has the best towels, really amazing towels, but he doesn’t actually know where any of them are.

  63. Scientismist says

    This inauguration should be celebrated with a song (sung by Danny Kaye in the movie) that ends with the line “And it’s all together too chilly a morn.”

  64. woozy says

    @95

    Although this raises the possibility that it is a Poe

    Not really.

    I think it only raises the possibility that a typical reader has poor reading comprehension. That a poem was written by someone for the observance of the inauguration does not imply the poem is going to be read at the inauguration or that in any way it is an official inauguration poem. I don’t see anywhere in any of the initial sources or in PZ’s post anyone who claimed it was.

    I’m a bit disappointed that Wonkette seems to have failed this basic reading comprehension test. But maybe it wasn’t them but the source they first heard this from.

    That such a godawful poem was written is definite ridicule-worthy.

  65. dianne says

    Vogon ship enters Earth orbit. Vogon captain is having second thoughts about blowing up inhabited planet. Is it really a good idea? Do we really need more hyperspace bypasses? Then he hears this poem. He blows the planet up and then blows any remains he can find up. “It was a mercy killing, really,” he says as the ship passes Pluto.

  66. blf says

    The proper Vogon reaction to hearing that “poem” is to blow up the rest of the Universe before it reaches them. The thing is already out there, and cannabe put back into the whatevar it escaped from…

  67. emergence says

    What’s all this about academia being dead? Academics have hardly been destroyed by Trump’s election. They may have cause for worry, but that’s just motivating them to fight against the know-nothing regime.