Hang Stockings, Hang Mistletoe… Hang An Elf?



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The war against Christmas has taken a turn
With the hanging of one of the elves—
No need for a godless opponent, we learn,
The Christians can fight it themselves!

For some, any elf is the work of the Devil—
It’s Satan, not Santa, at play
He’s not making toys; he’s distributing evil
And needs to be hanged right away!

We’ve all hung our stockings, and mistletoe too,
But an elf is a new one on me!
But pastor Jon Knudsen knew just what to do,
So he hanged it, for children to see!

For Christmas is sacred, and solemn, and sad,
So we’re killing off Santa, forthwith!
And the lesson, this season, is “God will get mad,
So you’d better believe the right myth!”

I couldn’t have made up this story; it boggles the imagination. Santa and the elves are the Devil’s work. This we already knew, but what are ya gonna do? Pastor Knudsen did what the rest of us can only wish we had the courage to do; he hanged an elf.

Let me repeat that: He hanged an elf.

The war on Christmas is not fought from without; it is fought from within. What could possibly kill Christmas? Taking it seriously, that’s what could kill it.

Think of the children (won’t somebody, please?)–little Bjorn has a choice between a Santa Claus who brings him presents, or “the truth about christmas” for which a pastor hanged an elf. Game over, man. The believers have scored, but it’s an own goal.

The good news?

The executed elf was originally supposed to remain hanging from the church until Sunday, and the church had set up a night watch in order to prevent it from being stolen.

One offended resident took action Monday afternoon while no one was watching, however, and pulled down the elf. He left a message with the pastor that the elf was being “kept safe until after the New Year”.

Knudsen reported the theft to the police, and the culprit confessed. The police, however, refused to press charges, stating that their “caseload was too heavy to make investigating theft of a stuffed toy elf a priority”.

Cuttlecap tip to Noadi, via twitter.

Comments

  1. says

    Fanaticism and violence are generally insane, Even when the victim is a doll.A Swede like me could say “Of course, the culprit is a Dane!”,But that would be too simple of a call.No, this could happen anywhere; the clue’s beside the noose,The force behind dear Santa’s tragic loss:A symbol for an instrument of torture put to useIn olden times: the cult-creating cross!There still are folks so crazy that they will idolizeA man who died by cross (instead of rope).And then it just gets crazier: they’ll say that this impliesThat every man and woman should feel hope!It’s morbid: just believe their tale of murder on that toolAnd you will have a life of bliss eternal.But if you even think of giving gifts to kids at YuleThen what you’re doing clearly is infernal!

  2. says

    To “Thinker” from JoanI’m thinking that ‘The Thinker” is a lot like Cuttlefish,Great talent hidden shyly neath screen name.Your current comment poem is very sad and yet delish,Somewhat hidden, but delightful just the same.I decided long ago, I must be made of sterner stuffTo start a blog and fill it full of rhyme.If I got no comments there it would be truly sad enoughBut my other fear was in attracting slime.So I stayed beneath the radar, in each blogger comments page Hoping some might like the thoughts, perhaps the rhyme.I am not an academic or real poet or a sage But this started dialogues some of the time. Hope that I’m not over reaching while the Cuttle’s busy teaching But I’m willing here to go out to a limb.Whether U.S. born or Swede, it’s approval we all needAlthough golden when the praises come from him.

  3. says

    To Joan and Cuttlefish with my early best wishes for Squidmas and the New Year:It’s fun to join one’s fellow nerdsAnd share the joy of smithing wordsTo doggerel or ballad.Some choose to be pseudonymousAnd then our friend “anonymous”Serves up his sad old salad.But even that won’t get me downIt’s like old things you keep aroundThey make your house “A Home”.So thanks, D.C., for writing loads –You’re breaking paths and building roads,All leading us to roam!

  4. says

    I like the police response on this one. Perhaps the police were a bit ticked on this themselves? With this sort of church response, Atheists don't have to do anything.

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