Is “Ann Coulter” just a very long-lasting Poe? She must be, right?
I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.
In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised.
Oh right, that’s why nobody’s ever heard of David Beckham. That’s why there’s no movie titled Bend It Like Beckham. That’s why there’s no fuss when someone scores a goal. That’s why the goalie smiles happily whenever the ball gets past him.
Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.
Seriously? I’m the most unathletic person on earth; I loathed all team sports when I was in school; yet even I goggle at the skill involved in good football. Also fuck her for the casual denigration of girls.
Then there’s even more stupid shit. It’s not violent enough – it’s no good if people aren’t wrecked for life in every game. You can’t use your hands. (That’s a good one. Right and in tennis you can’t just kick the ball; in chess you can’t just grab the queen and throw it out the window; in Monopoly you can’t just grab all the property cards and all the cash. That’s what makes them games. Sit down there in the back, Ludwig.) It’s force-fed (by libbruls, of course, in between slugs of latte). It’s foreign, in fact, it’s French. It’s immigrant.
If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.
Now that’s a professional asshole.