Sep 21 2011

A contribution to the Desperation Theory of Bisexuality

Male deep-sea squid so rarely have another squid swim by, it’s too much of a risk to miss a female. Especially since it’s hard to tell male and female squid apart, especially when you’re at the bottom of the ocean. So they fling their little sperm packets out indiscriminately, sometimes hitting other male squid.

This reads like porno specifically tailored for PZ:

The way the squid mate is something else. Little is known about the details but it seems that the male ejaculates a packet of sperm at the mating partner, and the packet turns inside out, essentially shooting the sperm contained in a membrane into the flesh of the partner, where they stay embedded until the female (if the shooter has been lucky) is ready to fertilize its eggs. If males are the recipient of these rocket sperm, they are just stuck with them. It is the kind of mating that would make a good video game.


Obviously this is proof that male bisexuals are really just desperate and indiscriminately looking for sex. Duh.

Wait, what’s that?

[Dr. Hoving] fended off that notion, reiterating that the squid has no discernible sexual orientation, and that a tentacled invertebrate that shoots sperm into its mate’s flesh really has nothing to do with human behavior.

Oh, right.

Panic that eating calamari makes you gay in 3…2…1…


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  1. 1
    Manly Bowler

    As funny as that was, I desperately hope that PZ will tackle that report himself.

    … he he. “Tackle.”

  2. 2

    “This reads like porno specifically tailored for PZ”

    I just read this on the tram and snorted loud enough in my laugh to draw the attention of all around me. Thanks Jen :-P

  3. 3
    Joel Klinepeter

    Well, I do have to admit that the longer I’m single the more likely I am to make out with guys at parties lol o.O

    I’m a little bi to begin with though, it’s just a small part of my sexuality which seems to get expressed more when I’m not getting attention from women lol.

  4. 4

    ahh, so that’s why Tasmania went for gay marriage. Cos they’re an island, so too much seafood.


  5. 5

    Waiter! I didn’t order Tartare sauce with my Calamari! :) -Dingo

  6. 6

    It may not explain bisexuality in homo – that’s right, homosapiens, but I think it may explain the human male’s love for the sport of paintball which, more than most sports even, has a strong homoerotic undertone.

  7. 7

    What kind of squid is calamari made of, anyways? Do I need to be concerned that I’m eating dead sentients when I munch on them?

  8. 8

    But don’t they know that homosexuality is unnatural?

  9. 9

    I can just picture this now. Day in the life of a squid. *swim swim, bloop, bloop* (for all you Mario fans) *bloop bloop* ::SPLAT:: “DAMNIT, that’s the second time this week!”

  10. 10
    Georgia Sam

    Meh. Don’t like calamari much anyway.

  11. 11
    Jason Thibeault

    The sperm packets turn inside out and embed the sperm in the recipients’ flesh. Okay, I’m envisioning something like Megaman’s enemy Drill Man, only with sperm.

  12. 12
    Svlad Cjelli

    Sentients? Yeah. Sapients? Possibly.

  13. 13

    Calamari is mostly made from Opalescent Squid, aka market squid.
    Many years ago , I was fishing on the north coast of British Columbia during the time they were massing for spawning there. You could see schools of squid on the sounder that showed dense schools occupying 50 feet of the 100 foot deep water that stretched unbroken for miles. The numbers must have been astronomical!
    The anchorages we used were also plugged with squid. During the mating frenzy, any lure looking even remotely like a squid that was jigged (pulled up and down) would be immediately attacked by masses of squid trying to mate with it. Every attempt caught squid, I recall one time I caught 4 squid on a treble hook.
    It was an eye opening example of the richness and abundance in our oceans.

  14. 14

    I think its great that you moved successfully but can the pop-ups please be modified?

  15. 15

    You know, after three years of celibacy, I still haven’t had the urge to “gay it up”… Maybe squid are just easy…

  16. 16


  17. 17

    Sexual orientation? Left or right?

  18. 18
    I. Ron Butterfly

    Bah, to hell with limitations. I prefer omnisexual status.

  19. 19
    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    I spent Saturday night at a cuddle party & I can assure you all that being a bisexual guy was soooo much more appreciated by the women there than being straight was. While being sexist & bi is a fact of life for way too many people, it certainly does alleviate the idea that guys are using what should be a relaxed party where people get to have tea & get their snuggle on when the guys are willing to cuddle with other guys…and although it doesn’t actually dispel the notion that cuddling is only a prelude to sex if only the bi guys are snuggling with other guys, it at least dispels the notion that the guys are only there to hit on the women who happen to like tea & holding hands. And, eventually, if a guy goes to enough parties they do figure out what it feels like to be a target instead of a human being. At that point, the bi guys are anything but desperate…. they are well loved and appreciated.

    So, y’know, calamari might be something people should stop worrying about, even if it does make you……

    ….have weird-smelling breath.

  20. 20
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Well, sperm are already a “shotgun” approach. I guess this is “spray and pray.”

  21. 21

    Panic that eating calamari makes you gay in 3…2…1…

    It doesn’t?

  22. 22
    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    Well, etcetera, I’ve had calamari maybe 5 times in my entire life & I submit my love life for the record as pretty gosh-darn loving, but pretty goshdarn non-heterosexual. So, there’s that.

    Of course, maybe this is another time when lesbians don’t count? Guys turned gay would be, y’know, consistent with the evidence of my life.

    I can’t disprove, come to think of it, therefore it must be true.

    Let’s just not go looking for evidence in the Peloponnese, shall we? That way we don’t have to encounter any inconvenient evidence.

  23. 23

    Panic that eating calamari makes you gay in 3…2…1…

    It doesn’t?

    Of course not. Everyone knows only Spiderman can make you gay.

  24. 24

    Wow. I have no idea how I did that and I doubt I could do it again if I tried.

  25. 25
    Jurjen S.

    It’s not often you encounter porn where the sex starts with the cumshot.

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