Help a Purdue lesbian couple get married »« During my first day of grad school

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  1. Methodissed says

    Worship me or I’ll torture you forever — Love Jesus (the most notorious and successful terrorist of all time)

  2. says

    Of course the experts on these techniques must be Catholic priests. But imagine them always having to confess to a colleague afterwards! And then again the next week, and the next week, and the next week…

  3. mcbender says

    I remember an incident when a classmate of mine in high school made a comment along those lines during class (I forget how the subject of Jesus came up, but what he said was something like “well, at least the holes in his hands will help him masturbate”) and while I thought it was hilarious, pretty much everybody else was shocked and outraged (including the other atheists present).

  4. says

    Moses and Jesus are out fishing. As they chat, their minds drift back to the miracles they used to perform.Jesus asks Moses “Think you’ve still got it?”Moses replies, “Of course”, and with his fishing rod, the lake parts.With the water restored, Moses says “And you?””Son of God, course I’ve still got it!”, and jumps out of the boat to walk on the water. Sadly, he can’t. Having never learnt to swim (why would he?), he’s in trouble. Moses pulls him out before he drowns.”I just don’t understnad it” says Jesus. “Maybe I’m rusty”, so he goes in for another try, and another. Each time Moses has to save him.Suddenly, it clicks. “Of course!” shouts Jesus, “I didn’t have holes in my hands and feet back then”

  5. LS says

    I can’t help but think about how that would feel, both on my dick and on my hand, and it wouldn’t be pleasant, I think. Though the desire to try probably explains all the “cases” of stigmata throughout history.

  6. says

    Jesus is on the cross and he sees one of his disciples. He whispers to him “OK, this really hurts and I have changed my mind about the whole crucifixion thing. Please, while the guards aren’t looking, climb up and see if you can pull the nail out of my hand.”So his disciple climbs up and pulls the nail out of his right hand.”Oh, bless you my child. Now, pull the nail out of my other hand.”The disciple climbs up the other side of the cross and pulls the nails out of his left hand.Jesus says “Oh, bless you…FEET FEET FEET FEET!”

  7. Mike says

    Jesus is on the cross, and he calls out to Peter. Peter goes to the bottom of the hill, and a guard stops him and says “Look, I can’t let you go any farther. Take one more step and I cut your legs off.” Peter keeps going, so the guard shrugs, cuts his legs off, and wanders off. So Peter crawls up the hill, and about halfway up, another guard stops him and says “Hey, You’re not aloud to be here. Stop crawling or I’ll cut your arms off!” Peter shakes his head solemnly and keeps crawling. The guard shrugs and cuts his arms off. Through sheer force of will, Peter is able to make it to the foot of the cross. He looks up at jesus and he says “You called to me, My Lord?” And Jesus Responds “Yeah, Dude! I can totally see your house from here!”

  8. says

    Jesus is on the cross again, and he sees one of his disciples. He says “My child, before I go, there is something you must know. Come to me.”The disciple walks up to the base of the cross and says “Tell me, lord.”Jesus says “I must give you this wisdom face to face. You must come closer.”The disciple rolls a rock up near the cross and stands on it. His head reaches to Jesus’ chest, “Yes, my lord? I am here. Tell me.”Jesus whispers, “No, I need to show you something before the sun sets. Come higher.”The disciple grabs the cross and pulls himself up by strength alone. He gets up to where he can kiss Jesus’ cheek and says “Please. I am here. What wisdom do you have for me?”Jesus says, “My blessed child. I can see your house from here.”

  9. Mike says

    Lol, yeah. Bit weird.We have a version of the “FEET FEET” joke in my family too, but it’s more visual, so I couldn’t post it.

  10. Mike says

    And the people prepared to stone the young woman, and Jesus stood at their center, and he sayeth “Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone” and an old woman tottered out of the crowd, and took up a large rock and smashed the young woman upside the head with it. And Jesus Sayeth “You know, ma, Sometimes you really piss me off…”

  11. says

    Fun fact: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone was added by monks to the Bible (alas, Bart D Ehrman’s book “Whose word is it?” is with a friend, so can’t get the reference any more than my memory here), 2 or 3 centuries after the Gospel was written.

  12. says

    I’ve been trying to blaspheme against some of the less popular religions in my facebook feed, so I’d just like to point out that Waheguru can bite my shiny metal ass.

  13. Julie says

    From the age of 12 girls are sticking anything that isn’t nailed down up there. You’re welcome, parents of preteen girl readers!

  14. Reality Chic says

    I deny the existence of the holy ghost. Well, that’s it. I’m going to hell. Mark 3:28-29

  15. Jacques says

    Religion. Treat it like your penis. Don’t wave it around in public, and don’t shove it down your children’s throats.

  16. Washington Outsider says

    A blonde, the Easter bunny, and God are all in a car. Who’s driving?…The blonde! Everyone knows that the Easter bunny and God don’t exist!!

  17. says

    I can’t resist commenting. you forgot the ‘Okey-Dokey’ which of course, is where the technique employed for men who are unfortunate enough to the be hung like a tic tac. Sorry-but they exist. It’s where the index finger and the thumb form together into an ‘O’ and slide up and down the shaft. Because you know, the whole hand wouldn’t fit otherwise. Just sayin’.

  18. says

    The moslems start out ok (at least in English translation) “There is no god…” but then they go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like…(with apologies to C. Carson Parks, Nancy and Frank, and of course moslems everywhere)

  19. says

    Anyway there was this priest and his friend out shooting duck (this is a nasty one already, poor ducks) and the friend is having a rotten day. Misses everything. He’s getting more and more annoyed and starts resorting to foul language.”Fuck! Missed!” he cries.Repeatedly (He’s not very imaginative, is he?)Ducks pass over head.Bang!”Fuck! Missed!”And after a while the priest get’s annoyed too.Ducks pass over headBang!”Fuck! Missed!””Please don’t swear”More ducksBang!”Fuck! Missed!””My son stop it or God will strike you dead!”Friend is contrite, BUT a whole herd of ducks pass overhead; the sky is dark with the bastards.Bang!Bang!Bang!”Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fucking Missed!”And lo! Out of a blue sky there cometh a cloud and a great stroke of lightning shatters the air and strikes down …The priest!And a Voice cometh from the cloud”FUCK! MISSED!”

  20. says

    Following a comment on twitter, I just want to point out that by bent I meant crooked, as in slang for dishonest. Alas, it can also be a term to describe someone that’s homosexual in a derogatory way, and, as I was told “it isn’t nice to use the term ‘bent’.” Sorry if any one here took offence, none was meant. If someone that is good at anagrams could get “”motherfucking power hungry self-aggrandised bigot in the stupid fucking hat” out of Pope Benedict though, that’d be great!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v… (NSFW, it’s the Pope Song)

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