Somme of you may be familiar with the ‘crazifiction factor‘, a term invented by John Rogers to explain the 27% of Americans who seem to be willing to vote for the most bizarre candidates. The Onion reports that the Pew Research organization that conducts polls on various aspects of American life has come up with a different figure.
WASHINGTON—Classifying millions of citizens around the country as “total goddamn mysteries,” a resigned Pew Research study released Friday found it was impossible to determine what the fuck was going on with 15% of Americans. “After an exhaustive, year-long venture, we are still just as confused, if not more confused, about what the deal is with all these indecipherable weirdos,” said lead researcher Jenna Kirkman, before throwing her arms into the air, and calling a large portion of Americans “lost causes.” “According to our very frustrating research, a large portion of Americans are just freaks who will never be understood, no matter how hard we try. Are they happy? Sad? Old? Young? Unfortunately, because so much of the nation are just total fucking randos, we may never actually know.” At press time, Kirkman added that the remaining 85% of Americans were basic as shit, allowing researchers to easily parse every detail about their boring, miserable lives.
(This is of course satire.)
Marcus Ranum says
the remaining 85% of Americans were basic as shit, allowing researchers to easily parse every detail about their boring, miserable lives.
Garbage in, garbage out.
Matt G says
Just 15%? What kind of junk science is this? The Lost Causes should be indistinguishable from Trump-no-matter-what voters. The real puzzle is those who go back and forth with the news. Which events turned you off to him, and which turned you back on? And off again?
“This is of course satire.”
You say “of course”… but still felt the need to clarify explicitly. That says a lot, right there,don’t you think?
Mano Singham says
That was for the benefit of a commenter who had previously wondered if I was not aware that The Onion was a satirical website, something that I would have thought was obvious.