We’re in trouble now: one of those conservative campus watchdog groups has discovered that the University of Minnesota Morris has Satanist students. And not just ordinary, run-of-the-mill Satanists — these are gay devil-worshippers!
Actually, it looks more like a recruiting newsletter was sent out, but I’m sure our evil student body will leap on it.
“I’m looking to start a Satanist group at Morris to address the budding conservatism on this campus—which I find abhorrent,” student Reed Larsen wrote to his fellow classmates. “I’m thinking of calling the group either Gay Devil Worshippers for a Better Future OR Queer Satanists for Change.” The group has since elected to go by the moniker “Gay Devil Worshippers for a Better Future.”
Rather than merely performing its standard Satanic rituals, the group hopes to make social activism its primary purpose.
“I’m hoping the group will have a social justice platform and further such a platform through good ol’ devilish revelry,” Larsen wrote.
Lawks, I’m fain to swoon…not just gay devil worshippers, but social justice gay devil worshippers. I’m pretty sure those are the worst kind.
The City Pages, the Twin Cities alternative weekly, has now reported on it, so now the news of our university’s sinful student body has been broadcast state-wide. I expect enrollments to surge next year.
Except among the Republicans. The article also spilled the beans on another of our secrets.
According to a student at UMM who wished to remain anonymous, the “budding” conservative groups on campus are not actually budding at all. The few conservative groups on campus, including the school’s gun club, pro-life club, and College Republicans, have around 20 combined members, according to the source.
Yeah, that sounds about right. It might even be a bit high. I don’t expect our Satanist group to be that numerous either, but I wouldn’t be surprised if UMM Gay Devil Worshippers for a Better Future would outnumber our campus Republicans for Trump.
P.S. Hey, gang, if you don’t already have a faculty sponsor for your group, I’m available.