Call it fate, destiny, synchronicity, or astounding cosmic coincidence, but I have to report a series of highly unlikely events, a whole collection of chance occurrences that, multiplied together, defy reason and point ineluctably to some kind of universal force. These events are spread out over decades, and millions, even billions, of alternatives could have generated a completely different conclusion.
The data are overwhelming.
| 1957 | I’m born; precisely 6 months later, Mary Gjerness born in same hospital. | ||
| 1958 | Mary and I reside in same small town, although unaware of each other. | ||
| 1959 | |||
| 1960 | |||
| 1961 | |||
| 1962 | |||
| 1963 | |||
| 1964 | Mary and I attend same elementary school; no contact. | ||
| 1965 | First contact: Mary and I are in same third grade class. Protective shell of cooties and girl’s germs around Mary inhibits interaction. | ||
| 1966 | Mary increases inhibition by being consistently smarter than me. Except in spelling. I rule in spelling; I think there must be some fundamental association between spelling ability and intelligence. | ||
| 1967 | |||
| 1968 | |||
| 1969 | |||
| 1970 | Junior high years: I enter puberty. At the same time, Mary’s cooties and girl’s germs dissipate. | ||
| 1971 | Mary continues to get better grades than me; I begin my slide into inarticulate nerdiness. | ||
| 1972 | You know, this Gjerness girl is looking pretty hot. | ||
| 1973 | My family moves into a house that is precisely on Mary’s route to and from school. I step out of the house in the morning, there she is; I walk home in the afternoon, our paths cross. | ||
| 1974 | I somehow manage to ask Mary out on a real date. It was an embarrassing disaster. | ||
| 1975 | Bad news: Mary goes to Thailand as a foreign exchange student for a year, I start college in Indiana. I blame the date. | ||
| 1976 | At the same time, Mary and I both move back to the Seattle area. Tempting the fates, I ask her out on a second date. And a third. And a fourth, etc. | ||
| 1977 | |||
| 1978 | |||
| 1979 | I begin graduate work in biology and move away to the University of Oregon. | ||
| 1980 | Entirely by coincidence, Mary is accepted to the graduate program in psychology at…the University of Oregon! We decide to celebrate by getting married on 16 March. | ||
| 1981 | |||
| 1982 | |||
| 1983 | Strangely enough, we both have our first child, a boy named Alaric, at the same time. Mary actually does most of the work. | ||
| 1984 | |||
| 1985 | |||
| 1986 | |||
| 1987 | Yet another kid, Connlann. Yet again, she does most of the work. | ||
| 1988 | I move to Utah, and in a remarkable example of synchronicity, Mary also decides to move to Utah. I can’t understand why. | ||
| 1989 | |||
| 1990 | A daughter, Skatje, appears—although Mary once again does the physical work, I am responsible for contributing half the genetic information. That effort tires me out, and we decide three is enough. | ||
| 1991 | |||
| 1992 | |||
| 1993 | I get a job in Philadelphia, and what do you know, Mary and the kids come along! It’s utterly incomprehensible. Philadelphia? | ||
| 1994 | |||
| 1995 | |||
| 1996 | |||
| 1997 | |||
| 1998 | |||
| 1999 | |||
| 2000 | Time for a new job, and I move to Minnesota. This may be beyond belief, but it’s true: Mary also moves to Minnesota. | ||
| 2001 | |||
| 2002 | |||
| 2003 | |||
| 2004 | |||
| 2005 | |||
| 2006 | It’s amazing…she’s still here! And she’s still hot! | ||
I don’t know how else to account for this wildly improbable series of events other than to assume there has to be some external guidance shaping our destinies. Human beings simply don’t stick to each other over so many years and so many thousands of miles without some kind of magic, right?
She’s obviously fascinated with your spelling skills.
I am pretty sure it was the yellow that did it. So much yellow is known to be, well, yellow.
Indisputable facts are what I type. To dispute them is erroneous.
But the real question is: Over this period of time, did she evolve into a bird? If not, evolution is a flawed theory and we should all teach the controversy.
I met Mary just once, I think, at a Drinking Liberally event, and liked her immediately. The highest compliment I can pay a woman is that I think my girlfriend would like her…which I would say of Mary. I think some parts of life must be baked by elves: uncommonly good, wherever they comes from.
This was all obviously intelligently designed. I mean, what are the odds that you two, billions of years ago, were part of the same star that went supernova? Coincidence? I think not.
While your post is obvious satire, it’s frightening when you realize that there are a large number of influential people who would see absolutely no humour in it, but rather take it as sober evidence of their preferred deity.
PZ, your mad spelling skills are world-renowned. The data on the grammar side of the line are more suspect.
Strangely enough, we both have our first child, a boy named Alaric, at the same time.
Gosh, it’s like something out of Ionesco:
MR. MARTIN: I have a little girl, my little daughter, she lives with me, dear lady. She is two years old, she’s blonde, she has a white eye and a red eye, she is very pretty, her name is Alice, dear lady.
MRS. MARTIN: What a bizarre coincidence! I, too, have a little girl. She is two years old, has a white eye and a red eye, she is very pretty, and her name is Alice, too, dear sir!
MR. MARTIN [in the same drawling monotonous voice]: How curious it is and what a coincidence! And bizarre! Perhaps they are the same, dear lady!
I met Mary just once, I think, at a Drinking Liberally event, and liked her immediately. The highest compliment I can pay a woman is that I think my girlfriend would like her…which I would say of Mary. I think some parts of life must be baked by elves: uncommonly good, wherever they comes from.
And you still have barely touched the surface. After all, just look at datum 1. “I’m born; precisely 6 months later, Mary Gjerness born …”. Well clearly you could only have resulted from a particular one of your father’s 100,000,000+ sperm and a particular one of your moms 10,000+ eggs (a >1,000,000,000,000-to-1 shot), same for the missus. Also, each of your respective parents…and so on back through the generations, would have had to have first met and stuck, encountering a similar improbable series of obstacles as you list here.
Therefore there is a God. Or two. QED.
This is truly evidence that demands a verdict.
Ack! The data are plural.
And this happened despite your belief in evolution which, as we all know, precludes loyalty and respect. It’s nothing short of miraculous. Like a hurricane sweeping through a junkyard and making Mount Rushmore.
A very happy anniversary to you both!
Happy anniversary, PZ.
“Human beings simply don’t stick to each other over so many years and so many thousands of miles without some kind of magic, right?”
Uh, wrong. It happens more often than you might think. It’s fairly common.
Paul,
Congratulations to us both.
You and Mary on your 26th anniversary and me on my 62nd birthday.
May we all live long enough to be a burden on our children ;-)
Mary you’re covered in roses, you’re covered in ashes
You’re covered in rain
You’re covered in babies, you’re covered in slashes
You’re covered in wilderness, you’re covered in stains
Mary she moves behind me
She leaves her fingerprints everywhere
Everytime the snow drifts, everytime the sand shifts
Even when the night lifts, she’s always there
Mary you’re covered in roses, you’re covered in ruin
you’re covered in secrets
Your’e covered in treetops, you’re covered in birds
who can sing a million songs without any words
http://www.charliewagner.com/mary.mp3
You’re just lucky gay marriage hasn’t torn you two apart yet. It’s pretty destructive, I hear.
(In all seriousness, though, happy anniversary. And may there be many more.)
Aww… happy anniversary PZ.
Congratz Mr & Mrs PZ. The following is a short story of astounding coincidinces (best read aloud in an Irish brough)
One morning two men were in a northern tavern. One says “Laddy ya look kind of familiar. Where ya hail from?” The second answered “Belfast”. “Same as I” exclaimed the first.
“Would ya ever be near the Flannigan’s Home for Wayward Boys?”
The second chimed “Why I lived there!” “Incredible” the first says. “And here we meet today in this little pub, what are the odds?” The second says “Ay the lord is a mysterious keeper.”
Just then the owner of the bar comes in, nods to the bar keep and asks if anything is new.
The bar keep replies “Naw boss…’cept the Fitzpatric twins are already pissed…”
Happy anniversary, PZ and Mary!
So sad I was beaten to the Ionesco punch. But Happy Anniversary, PZ! May the inexplicable coincidences continue for many, many more years.
What a coincidence another Paul and Mary pair have a similar if somewhat longer history (38 years together)without so much moving around.
Congrats.
You really need a control experiment. Where are PZ’ and MG’?
So, were are the hot pics of this hot babe named Mary? Cummon, give.
Brains and football aren’t completely mutually exclusive. Hell, I had 5 varsity letters (3 for track, 2 for football) and still managed to:
1. graduate in the top 3
2. ask a girl out on a date (she had breasts and hips, too!)
3. hang out with her a while
4. marry her
5. procreate (she did most of the work, too… I sense a theme)
Nerd athletes with wives unite!
Saw only the headline of the post in my RSS reader. Am I the only one who wondered if PZ had started taking magnesium supplements?
To all you nitpickers jumping all over PZ for using “data” with a singular verb: this usage is now sanctioned by both the Chicago Manual of Style and the American Heritage Book of English Usage. You may not like it (and I personally prefer a plural verb), but you can no longer score maven points on it. For example see here.
You contributed half your mtDNA? Truly this is a miracle!
Plus or minus. You also have to figure that in the boys I provided a paltry Y chromosome, while she gave them a whole X, so I was slacking a bit there, too.
Didn’t you just claim to have a birthday? These blatant attempts to attract attention have to stop!
Happy Anniversary!
Of course they do, but you have to use a lot of duct tape.
And hot glue. Can’t forget the hot glue.
Duct tape and hot glue? I’ll have to see if she’s up to it tonight.
I am forced to conclude that Mary is the designer…Happy Anniversery.
I am forced to conclude that Mary is the designer…Happy Anniversery.
In elementary school, I had cootie shots to innoculate against cooties, rather than waiting out the disease. I guess the R & D was finally successful in the 80s. Happy Anniversary! :)
I “coached the spelling team” in middle school for statewide contests for several years. I believe that spelling is a talent like math or music or drawing. So you can’t really take any credit for it. Sorry.
Happy Anniversary! I was trying to think of a squid joke to suit, but then I decided some things are better unthought….
And not only is it your wife’s wedding anniversary, it’s yours as well!
Coincidence, or just good timing?
Who would’ve thought the odds could produce so many coincidental good times!
Happy Anniversary to the lovebirds + 3! =)
Just more evidence of the moral decay of our society caused by Darwinist materialism…
Data is commonly used as a mass noun and is perfectly acceptable with a singular verb in most contexts.
– The OED, that most conservative of authorities, includes citations with both the singular and plural verb, suggesting that both are considered acceptable within Oxford rules;
– Wikipedia has ‘The Latin plural data is also used as a plural in English, but it is also commonly treated as a mass noun and used in the singular.’ This admittedly less-than-difinitive source also notes that ‘given the variety and irregularity of English plural constructions, there seem to be no grounds for arguing that data is incorrect as a singular mass noun in English.’ English, thankfully, is not Latin.
I suspect that – like rules for never finishing sentences with prepositions – this ‘rule’ is one that was cut from whole cloth by Latin-obsessed nineteenth-century grammarians. Fuck ’em, I say.
Oh, and happy anniversary, PZ!
Much in the same way that conservative grammarians still proscribe ending sentences with prepositions, despite the rule being an mouldy artifact of Latin and completely irrelevant to a discussion of 20th-century English.
Happy Anniversary, PZ. You give hope to all of us nerds.
“Data”, originally a Latin plural noun, can be used in English both as a “count” noun (i.e. in the plural) and as a “mass” noun (i.e. in the singular). Most people seem to use it in the singular, and using it in the plural seems affected (compare “The data is incontrovertible” and “The data are incontrovertible” for prissiness-feel).
If anyone reading this still feels bound to jump on the use of “data” in the singular, s/he’d better be consistent and use the word “opera” ONLY in the plural as well, since it too was originally a Latin plural noun. Example: “Falstaff is an opera by Verdi,” or “Falstaff are opera by Verdi.” How comprehensible would that be?
It just ain’t English.
never, NEVER will I use “data” as a singular. “Data” is a plural. The singular form is “anecdote.”
Happy Anniversary!
(What does it say about this crowd that it took 13 posts (OK, 12 if you don’t count Greg Peterson’s double) before anyone wished PZ and MG a happy anniversary?!)
Did anyone else think of the Onion article, 18 Year Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate in Hometown?
It surely is amazing.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28554
Happy (belated) anniversary to you both.
there must be some fundamental association between spelling ability and intelligence.
In my experience, the GRE Verbal section is the ultimate measure of the sum total of one’s worth as a human being.
My score? Why do you ask?
Utterly Brilliant!
Happy Anniversary!
You don’t know any squid jokes for happy anniversaries? I presume that’s synechdoche for “cephalopod jokes.” How about the octopi that got married and wandered off hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand?