How many foreskins are you worth?

True story from 1 Samuel 18:25-27. This, of course, is the foundation of Judeo-Christian morality.

My wife is worth a lot more foreskins than that, but I don’t think she’d appreciate it if I went all serial killer and marched through Stevens County chopping off penis tips and bringing them back to her in a bloody sack.

Also, it would be like those obnoxious World of Warcraft quests. “Bring me X body parts from this animal!”, and then you go slaughtering and most of your kills don’t even have that body part. I still remember having to kill zebras for their hooves, and finding most didn’t have any.


  1. says

    My wife is worth a lot more foreskins than that

    That’s an odd claim. You meant that your wife is worth the death of more than 200 adult men or that your wife is worth the non-consensual mutilation of over 200 male babies?

  2. PaulBC says

    Genocide is pervasive in the Old Testament, and clearly it gets soft-pedaled in most Christian churches. In context, Saul is at least not being presented as a model of virtue here, though killing Philistines is presented as a good in itself. Verses 7-8 were oddly familiar sounding:

    7. As they danced, they sang:

    “Saul has slain his thousands,
    and David his tens of thousands.”

    8 Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. “They have credited David with tens of thousands,” he thought, “but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?”

    Fake News! This, I guess, is how evangelicals expect a “great leader” to behave.

  3. Ed Seedhouse says

    @3:”Note that David and Solomon probably don’t exist!”

    They definitely don’t exist, and they almost certainly didn’t exist.

  4. numerobis says

    Cue the harrisbots to come argue that Christianity is slightly deluded but Islam is the bloody religion we should fear because their book says things.

  5. blf says

    The mildly deranged penguin points out most of these instructions, like “collect zebra hooves”, are usually coded instructions for hunting various wild cheeses (or, on occasion, some of the tamer sorts of MUSHROOMS!). Deciphering the coded references can be a bit tricky, as they tend to change from game to game, and frequently within a game. That can be a bit tricky when, e.g., you’ve cornered a Camembert Berserker, only to learn after a long chase through many mountains and seas, it was actually the next-door Brie Chambermaid who held the secret key to Gorgonzola Caverns. Of course, an entire mountain full of Camembert Berserkers is much less dangerous than a single sleeping Brie Chambermaid, as long as your fondue kit has never seen a pea, and there is sufficient vin.

  6. monad says

    @1 Andreas: That’s cost, not worth. I assume just about any person would be both more pleasant to be around and more helpful than a pile of useless if very specific human flesh, which is actually a liability requiring special disposal in most cases.

  7. says

    monad @#12

    I assume just about any person would be both more pleasant to be around and more helpful than a pile of useless if very specific human flesh

    I still don’t get people making this kind of comparison. In order to acquire said pile of human flesh, one would have to first mutilate or kill two hundred innocent male human beings. Thus a person who isn’t a psychopath shouldn’t use other people’s suffering as a currency in which to evaluate the worth of some woman.

  8. PaulBC says

    Am I the only one who’s imagining the foreskins preserved like leather and sewn together into a tiny blanket?

    (Yes, I’m a sicko, but if this story has any truth it happened a long time ago. My mind does wander to these things. And, yes, it is weird to say “I’m worth it.” or “She’s worth it.” or anything like that.)

  9. cartomancer says

    Less than none. Nobody would have me even if I came with a big bundle of foreskins thrown in to sweeten the deal.

  10. cjcolucci says

    Many years ago, I had seen some Jewish men through the local synagogue window worshipping with little black boxes on their heads. I asked a Jewish friend — or at least I thought he was a friend — about the little black boxes. He told me they were tfillen, used as part of the worship service.
    So I asked him what was in them. With a straight face, he asked me: you know about circumcision, don’t you? Being something of a showoff, I told him what I knew about the covenant Abraham made with God and how the circumcision was a sign of that covenant.
    Then he asked: Have you ever wondered what they did with the foreskins? I couldn’t say that I had. So he told me that they get put inside the tfillen, so when you pray you are reminded of the covenant with God.
    Having myself been raised in a strange cult that practiced ritual cannibalism once a week, this did not strike me as odd, and, indeed, made a good deal of sense. So I stored this bit of information for future reference.
    One day, as my “friend” must have figured I would, I mentioned this bit of knowledge in mixed company, to predictable results.
    Some day, I will hunt him down and kill him.

  11. Golgafrinchan Captain says

    What’s up with God and foreskins?

    I understand why god loves barbecues so much*, because the priests wanted people delivering take-out. But foreskins?!?!?

    *”It is a burnt offering, an offering made by fire, an aroma pleasing to the LORD.”

  12. mamba says

    Ok, I’ll bite…what was he planning to DO with all those foreskins? That’s just creepy and strange!

    What a weird religion, and you never hear about THAT tale in Church! It would make for an interesting sermon!