What if we planned a sneak attack and a civil war, and didn’t tell anyone?


Except Alex Jones, of course.

Somehow, we antifa/commie/liberal Democrats are supposed to fire up this war on the 4th of July — in two days — and there has been no communication at all to us cannon fodder. But Alex Jones knows all about it! Apparently, it was announced in the liberal “Elite Publications” last year, but I missed it.

Anyone know what those publications are? Because I’ve also missed out on all of those.

Oh, well, I guess I’ll have to dig up my old uniform — birks, shorts, tie-dye t-shirt, and headband — put a flower in my hair and march off to San Francisco. Or wherever the old hippies have set up a staging ground. I wonder if we can get the Dead back together to play for the Revolution?

Comments

  1. slithey tove (twas brillig (stevem)) says

    okay let’s keep this theory active, advising the right-wingers to barricade themselves into their basements to await the libturd-soldiers marching in, and then, keep telling them daily, “they’re coming for you! ! ! stay sheltered and prepare to eat your young”
    maybe that’ll keep them busy, they so love wallowing in fear.

  2. Raucous Indignation says

    Isn’t this one of the liberal “Elite Publications?” Did I miss a post??

  3. blf says

    The last “civil war” (what an absurd name, wars are not civil) in the States was about slavery. This forthcoming absurd namery is about, ah, um, er, ah, I know, I know, ratings ! And Fake NEWS!

  4. robro says

    slithey tove — I believe the phrase is “shelter in place.” We’ll offer thoughts and prayers when it’s all over.

    PZ — Many of us old hippies are still in SF, so let me know when you get here. You can also find old hippies in Contra Costa, Alameda, San Mateo, Santa Clara, Santa Cruz, Marin, Sonoma, Napa, Humboldt, and Mendocino are also good places to find them.

  5. davidnangle says

    My attacks will involve air burst ordinance near crowds of people with little American flags. The explosions are just a distraction, though. The crux of my attack will be feeding everyone unhealthy food, and exposing them to solar radiation, and then horrific traffic jams.

  6. blf says

    Many of us old hippies are still in SF, so let me know when you get here. You can also find old hippies in Contra Costa, Alameda, San Mateo, Santa Clara, Santa Cruz, Marin, Sonoma, Napa, Humboldt, and Mendocino are also good places to find them.

    How worried should I be that I know, and in some cases have lived in, almost all of those places, and have long hair, beard, leather hat, sandals, and other accouterments, am or have been a card-carrying member of several “leftie” organisations, and have even yelled at nazis in public, but still haven’t heard anything about the forthcoming revolution? Is this yet another mailing list I forgot to send a change-of-lair notice to?

  7. chigau (違う) says

    Jones is so desperate to be relevant… he wants to be first against the wall.

  8. colinday says

    If Jones believes the Democrats could organize a Civil War, then he is truly deluded.

  9. Larry says

    I’ll bring some potato salad. It was going to our annual family fourth of july picnic but this sounds like it will be much more fun.

  10. lakitha tolbert says

    Why was I not informed of the change in date? I was supposed to make sandwiches!

  11. busterggi says

    Don’t worry, when it doesn’t happen he’ll claim he prayed it away and his followers will believe him.

  12. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    @Susan:

    Can you really mount a 125mm cannon on a VW Type 2?

    No, but I’m sure you can mount a VW Type 2 on a mobile 125mm cannon.

  13. blf says

    Can you really mount a 125mm cannon on a VW Type 2?

    Yes, albeit you have to very very good at welding. (Pro Tip: Remove the shells first.) However, it will tend to tip over. So much so, in fact, the VW is largely pointless, other than as something to duck behind when firing the cannon. (Pro Tip: Drain the petrol first.) Should you manage to keep the thing stable and basically upright — try some Duck Tape, that usually works — then don’t duck behind the VW when firing, climb inside. Upon firing, you will be the first supersonic VW pilots. (Pro Tip: Fasten the safety belts first.) Your Darwin Award will be sent to your last known address. (Pro Tip: Avoid giving away your identity and plans by hiring a POBox with an assumed name.)

  14. cartomancer says

    Ugh, PZ, really – the coded message was in the creationist screed about HJ Blackham and the cipher book was hidden as the Story of Jonah pamphlet. All you had to do was convert the writing on the Chick tract into base 8 then subtract Lenin’s birthday to find the cipher key.

    Don’t tell me you threw away the detailed bomb-making instructions disguised as the gay porn too?

  15. jrkrideau says

    Did not Mussolini try to stage a coup but most of the troops did not get the date right and the rest got lost on the way to Rome?

    Clearly Italian fascists ==the US Democratic Party

  16. blf says

    Did not Mussolini try to stage a coup but most of the troops did not get the date right and the rest got lost on the way to Rome?

    Apologies, but that isn’t ringing any bells. A quick check suggests Mussolini only tried to stage one coup, the completely successful “March on Rome”, in October 1922. That, in turn, inspired Hitler’s comical “Beer Hall Putsch” in November 1923. That failed coup, whilst farcical, still doesn’t seem to match the description.

    I suppose one or the other may have tried to provoke a possibly-faked coup in some client state or as a pretext for invasion, but the “coup” went badly wrong along the lines described — but I still cannot identify the event.

  17. emergence says

    Didn’t he already predict that an armed liberal uprising would take place at some point last year? He and his fans don’t really seem to care or acknowledge when Jones gets shit wrong.

  18. jrkrideau says

    @ 14 blf

    Maybe it was Ireland or just a joke I remember reading. It does sound a bit like something Terry Pratchett would write.

  19. blf says

    Didn’t he already predict that an armed liberal uprising would take place at some point last year?

    Yes, on November 4th, led by “the antifa”. Jones and the other kooks inflated a series of genuine peaceful protests by a handful of anti-facist groups into an violent rebellion. It was successfully put down only when Navy SEALS based at Area 51 flew the captured Roswell alien flying saucers and this time — unlike the Sept 11 incident — used the invisible death rays correctly. You know, the ones which also make everyone forget it ever happened. (Ok, some of that was made up. But yes, Jones et al did “predict” the protests were an armed uprising.)

  20. microraptor says

    emergence @25:

    They just take credit for successfully “stopping” it.

  21. KG says

    If Jones believes the Democrats could organize a Civil War, then he is truly deluded. – colinday@10

    He just got one crucial detail wrong: the civil war is going to be between Democrats.

  22. davidc1 says

    @22 Most of them went by train ,if when they arrive at Rome and the king opened the door ,he should have said “Not today thank you ” and the Fascists would have all gone home .
    PS ,anyone ever seen the comments posted on smart alex’s youtube channel ?
    Most amusing .

  23. KG says

    You can’t fool me: this whole “July 4th” thing is just a conspiracy to distract from my son’s graduation ceremony!

  24. khms says

    blf @5

    The last “civil war” (what an absurd name, wars are not civil)

    It’s like the last “Gulf war”. First, the title leaves out which gulf, and then that describes the approximate area where it happens. So a civil war happens around (your own) citizens. It’s a bit like “friendly fire” is short for “fire by friendly forces”.

    But of course, y’all already knew all that.

  25. FossilFishy (NOBODY, and proud of it!) says

    #secondcivilwarletters on Twitter has some very funny stuff.

  26. Dunc says

    Apparently, it was announced in the liberal “Elite Publications” last year, but I missed it.

    Yeah, it was all over Tatler, The Rake, and Cigar Aficionado

  27. says

    @colinday

    And, that is what is so depressing, really. It might take one to “fix” some of the shit going on, like the stacking of SCOTUS to allow the right to undermine every part of Democracy, including removing the term from new text books, but actually “organizing” one, so that the result won’t be a complete and total disaster, on the scale of past spur of the moment, only to be replaced by a worst fascist (how ever temporarily), revolutions… Yeah, not going to be helpful to have one of those.

  28. porlob says

    I’m 100% sure this a ghoulish bet on some kind of violence, somewhere, at an Independence Day celebration. Whether it’s a “Bernie Bro” and a MAGA hat getting into a fistfight or a terror attack–by ISIS or the Klan alike–Jones will claim he was vindicated and proven right: See! The Democrats are trying to stoke a civil war! Just look at that false flag attack they staged!

  29. Sean Boyd says

    Dammit, PZ, why wasn’t I in the loop on this? All my antifa-ware is at the cleaners. I can’t rebel in street clothes!

  30. Jack Krebs says

    The Dead ***are*** back together, as Dead and Company, and they’re great. However, last time I looked their contribution to the revolution was to urge people to register to vote! Which is certainly one of the main things we need to do.

  31. raven says

    Oh, well, I guess I’ll have to dig up my old uniform — birks, shorts, tie-dye t-shirt, and headband …

    What do you mean old!!!
    Tie dye goes in and out of fashion.
    Right now tie dye is very much in fashion.
    I bought my first tie dye T-shirt in a few decades not too long ago.

  32. rq says

    Asking for an overseas friend: July 4th is about an hour away. Can we start without you? I mean, ‘they’, of course.

  33. methuseus says

    @Andy Geth:

    Hi Guys,

    I’ve already made plans for July 4th.

    Any chance you could start the civil war on July 5th?

    Thanks

    Guys, this is why we never get anything accomplished! Stop making plans without telling us! Oh, and don’t plan anything for next Saturday; I’m having a barbecue. /s

  34. blf says

    It’s been the 4th here for c.17 hours, nothing yet… Was there another change of plan? Or did we simply get the year / planet wrong?