Freethoughtblogs has an email address dedicated to receiving your technical complaints…like, for instance, the annoying outage that occurred earlier today, for several hours. It is also a destination for mythical, cave-dwelling beings depicted in folklore as either a giant or a dwarf, typically having a very ugly appearance, and we also get complaints that are not technical in nature, and therefore not fixable by our usual procedure of kicking the box, or jiggling the wires, or flipping it off and on, or other such arcane rituals of the informational technologists who control our lives. And those non-technical problems fall into my domain.
Here, for example, is a Technical Complaint™ transmitted to us today by one Elliott.
Description of your technical problem: Please let somebody know that the website seems extremely interesting but I have no idea where to start. Just give me the most synthesized “true” “sound” version of all this garbage. 10,000 words or under. I don’t have the time.
Stand back, everyone! I am a trained professional, I can defuse this problem!
Description of your technical answer: I am sorry, Elliott, but you are the one person I cannot help in this case. You see, the reason you found the website so interesting is that we have been talking about you — yes, you personally, Elliott — for several months now. In the absence of actual corrective input from you, this discussion has become increasingly convoluted and inward turning, and there is actually a growing Mythology of Elliott around which a great many apocryphal stories have accreted. I don’t think you’d recognize yourself in the legends. I don’t think you’d want to recognize yourself — the stories are somewhat less than flattering.
You’ve also found it difficult to comprehend because we have developed a cult-like language around the Elliott myth — we can go days in elaborate circumlocutions and strange, ritualistic chanting in which your actual name, Elliott, is not even mentioned, but it’s all about you, in our secret code, and we all know it. Go back to the posts that have you confused, and say to yourself, “This is all about me,” and suddenly it will all seem clear, and the hidden meanings will emerge.
But otherwise, Elliott, I cannot help you. You must cultivate your powers of discernment on your own, and pray that clarity will manifest itself as an emergent property of the text.
But until you have achieved that transcendent lucidity, Elliott, I must ask that you refrain from using the Technical Help email, and instead, fuck off.