Donald Trump declares his intent to build a wall along the US-Mexican border. Scott Walker one-ups him, and additionally declares that he will consider building a giant wall along the Canadian border. I will beat them all.
I notice we also get brown people drifting onto our shores from those balmy islands to the south. I propose we also build a colossal Caribbean wall, from Texas to Florida. We can also use it to prevent storm surges from hurricanes along the Gulf coast — New Orleans is saved!
We won’t stop there, either. We will extend that wall along the East coast, to connect up with the Canadian wall. There will be no sea level rise along that shore while I’m in charge. Also no Africans or Europeans.
The next frontier is the West coast. A wall along that shore will not only block the Yellow Peril, it will end the danger of tsunamis.
Finally, I’ll take a bold step no other candidate will consider: walls between the states. Wisconsin is a failed region, thanks to Scott Walker, so we’ll build a wall between Minnesota and that terrible place. That will inspire other construction projects — the Mason-Dixon Line will become the Mason-Dixon Wall. Californians are all jerks, so we’ll quarantine them with a wall. Utah can isolate itself with a Great Wall of Mormon.
There is no downside to any of these projects, except for one: the only party that will be impressed by the extent of my proposals is Republican. I don’t think I could join that party — I have some standards, you know.