My plan to get elected president


Donald Trump declares his intent to build a wall along the US-Mexican border. Scott Walker one-ups him, and additionally declares that he will consider building a giant wall along the Canadian border. I will beat them all.

I notice we also get brown people drifting onto our shores from those balmy islands to the south. I propose we also build a colossal Caribbean wall, from Texas to Florida. We can also use it to prevent storm surges from hurricanes along the Gulf coast — New Orleans is saved!

We won’t stop there, either. We will extend that wall along the East coast, to connect up with the Canadian wall. There will be no sea level rise along that shore while I’m in charge. Also no Africans or Europeans.

The next frontier is the West coast. A wall along that shore will not only block the Yellow Peril, it will end the danger of tsunamis.

Finally, I’ll take a bold step no other candidate will consider: walls between the states. Wisconsin is a failed region, thanks to Scott Walker, so we’ll build a wall between Minnesota and that terrible place. That will inspire other construction projects — the Mason-Dixon Line will become the Mason-Dixon Wall. Californians are all jerks, so we’ll quarantine them with a wall. Utah can isolate itself with a Great Wall of Mormon.

There is no downside to any of these projects, except for one: the only party that will be impressed by the extent of my proposals is Republican. I don’t think I could join that party — I have some standards, you know.


  1. Sean Boyd says

    Yeah, but your plan doesn’t do anything about keeping the Anunnaki out, does it? Face it, PZ, you’re just weak on national security.

  2. Saad says

    I’m sure you can count on a lot of international support for this plan to wall in the United States.

  3. yazikus says

    Obviously (to most of us), walls are a terrible idea. Do these candidates not understand that they would also hurt the environment? Borders have long been deadly for any creatures who dare to try to live out their normal existence, and walls just make it worse. Also, China had the wall idea first.

  4. Usernames! (╯°□°)╯︵ ʎuʎbosıɯ says

    I’m sure you can count on a lot of international support for this plan to wall in the United States.
    — Saad (#3)

    For complete safety, we’d also need a roof on top of that wall.

    That’ll keep out any illegal airborne elements.

  5. Ed Seedhouse says

    And what about the ground. We foreign devils (Canadians) know how to make tunnels.
    I think you will need to pave the entire USA with invulnerable unobtanium. This will also keep those naughty animals out as well. Shoot the ones still inside the wall for meat, that might keep the food line going for a month or two. After that, well the USA is obviously overpopulated by people with the wrong skin colour…

  6. says

    That sounds like a great plan PZ. You can sell it to the public as a jobs, jobs, jobs initiative.

    After the walls are built, there’s always wall maintenance as an ongoing jobs program.

  7. blf says

    Do not install any chimneys, vents, or other passages when the roof is added. This will keep the chemtrails out.

    It will also keep the emissions in, which has some downsides and minor problems, but you will be safe from the chemtrails! In fact, after not too long, you won’t really be worried chemtrails or much of anything else at all…

  8. llyris says

    I understand why you’d want to block the yellow peril but I wouldn’t have thought it a major problem for USA. I can’t even see it from my house and I’m only several kilometres away.
    It’s generally considered a blight on the landscape but it’s not like it’s going to march over there and turn all your architecture yellow.

  9. Big Boppa says

    Forget walls. When I’m president, I’m gonna build the US America Dome(tm).

    I win.

    Can I haz keys to Whitehouse now?

  10. Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought says

    Big Boppa,

    No, no you can’t because that was my idea first I just didn’t have time to post the comment because I was readign previous ones.
    No matter, I will now sue you for defamation, label, copyright infringement or whatever (maybe even all of those!)
    And it doesn’t really matter that I wasn’t born in the US, I will candidate myself for the president anyway. You have a Kenian Muslim in the White House now, why not someone who never even set foot on US soil?

  11. mnb0 says

    I suppose when your wall is finished that you will sell Alaska back to president Putin?

  12. equisetum says

    OK. That’s it. I’m now thoroughly convinced that ever since Tina Fey was selected as VP candidate that GOP politics has been nothing more than performance art. I mean, they can’t be serious, can they?
    (My German nephew asked me that about Trump, thinking it must be some kind of joke. I said he is a joke, he just doesn’t know it, and neither do the idiots who are prepared to vote for him.)

  13. Kevin Anthoney says

    When you’ve done that, don’t forget to build a roof over the whole lot. And maybe put a few windows with bars in.

  14. Amphiox says

    Gotta enclose it all in plexiglass and boost the whole thing into orbit. It’s the only way to be sure….

  15. Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought says


    I like to condescend about US folks being weird as much as the next random European country’s resident, but our continent holds its own share of sick fucks in high positions too.
    It’s neither your nephew’s nor my country, but HUngary is building a wall to keep out immigrants. They have successfuly rasied a barbed fence, and are now planing work on the actual wall.

  16. wondering says

    PZ, I’m afraid that Canadians have been proposing something similar since 2006. In fact, you missed a really important point: your plan does nothing to protect US airspace or the underground. You may wish to consider domes and tunnel prevention as you work out the details.

  17. opposablethumbs says

    Yes, but … why should the feckless poor and the mere not-rich have all the wonderful benefits of enhanced security??!?! What have they done to deserve that kind of top-quality protection, eh?!?!? Top priority should surely be to build mighty and impregnable walls only round the property of the wealthiest and their closest supporters … and roof them over for even more enhanced security, of course … and boost them into orbit; as Amphiox sagely points out, it’s the only way to be sure.

  18. says

    Walls? Meh. Walls require plans and maintenance and such. This sounds like loser talk to me. You gotta think bigger. How much bigger? Nukes, baby!

    My plan is to detonate subterranean nukes along the Mexican and Canadian borders, uplifting two vast new mountain ranges! Let’s see those filthy immigrants and turrurists get over them! People will say this is impossible and appallingly dangerous. Do not listen to these people: they are losers! “We do these things because they are hard,” said some horndog alpha male President once. America used to think big! When did the nation that faked the moon landings become a cucked beta nation? When the libruls took over, that’s when! So we’ll do the same along the West Coast to keep all those pantywaist Portland and Californian libruls out of Real America!

    Come to think of it, “The United States of America” is a bit of a loser name. Too long and elitist. You need something short and snappy. Like… Mordor. Yeah, Mordor!

  19. Bob Foster says

    Then the day will come when some great foreign leader will stand on a makeshift wooden platform looking over the wall at Seattle and cry, “Mr. President, tear down this wall!” And a cheer will go up around the world as people everywhere wait in hope for freedom to return to the United States.

  20. Callinectes says

    I propose that we build thousands of perpendicular walls five meters apart, dividing the nation into a grid, slicing through any and every structure and building as necessary. You get complete freedom within the grid cell to which you are assigned. Your money will be removed from the banks, converted to coin, and piled into to the corresponding grid locales as appropriate. As for food, you will each be issued year-round hunting licenses for free, each one affording unlimited quotas within your assigned grid cell.

  21. karmacat says

    I think it would be much easier to build walls around Walker and Trump. We could also use virtual reality to make them think they are president of the US. Might as well put walls around Cruz also

  22. says

    That’ll take an awful lot of concrete. What about separating the country into, I don’t know maybe 12 or 13 states? Provinces? Naw. Hmm… *lightbulb* Districts! Yeah, and we separate those districts with toxic nuclear wasteland traversed by only one single bullet train. And then each year we have a big fancy event to celebrate our disunified unity.


  23. equisetum says

    Yeah, I know there are problems all over. We’ve had four or five refugee centers set on fire in the past few months here. We have the NPD sitting in parliament in Mecklenburg-Vorpommern. France has Le Pen and the National Front, which is the third largest party in France. But at least the NPD hasn’t made it past the five percent threshold to get into the Bundestag. The GOP, however, is about fifty percent of the electorate in the US. (I really think the US should consider proportional representation, but that requires a constitutional ammendment, and that ain’t gonna happen.)
    It’s really hard for me to imagine that any of the GOP candidates would be taken seriously as a politician here. It’s not hard for me to imagine a Trump/Palin victory in the U.S. next year. That’s just how I see it after thirteen years of watching U.S. politics from the across the ocean. There was a substantive change when Palin appeared, (And John McCain is still a respected ‘elder statesman’ of the GOP?!) and it’s been all downhill since. The Birchers tried to take over the GOP in the sixties and failed. Now they are the GOP.

  24. says

    Security along the Canadian/USA border has already been stepped up … and the effects are awful. Unintended consequences anyone? Harassment of Latinos or Latino-looking citizens who live near the Canadian border — are you kidding? Nope, not kidding.

    […] “The government set up all these new Border Patrol stations in western Pennsylvania, Sandusky, Ohio and Detroit, but you really don’t have people crossing without permission from Canada,” explained Lynn Tramonte with the immigrant rights group Ohio Voice.

    “There wasn’t enough work for these agents to do, so they started doing interior enforcement. They patrol the highways and conduct sweeps looking for undocumented immigrants. They use racial profiling against people who look Latino, despite fact we don’t share a border with any Latin American country.”

    Currently, a federal court in Toledo, Ohio is weighing a lawsuit against the Border Patrol, which accuses them of overwhelmingly targeting Latino residents for stops and searches. The plaintiffs presented documents showing that 85 percent of those arrested by Sandusky Border Patrol agents in 2009 were Latino, though Latinos only make up 3 percent of the northern Ohio’s population. Just 0.2 percent of those arrested were Canadian. […]

    Think Progress link.

  25. says

    This is a followup to comment 33, providing more detail about the already-beefed-up border patrol along the Canadian border, and how things have gone drastically wrong.

    […] In Michigan, civil rights groups sued the Border Patrol for profiling and targeting Muslims. The lawsuit documented agents detaining lawful border crossers for up to twelve hours, brandish weapons at them, conducting “invasive and humiliating” body searches, and asking them invasive questions such as, “Who else prays in your mosque?”

    In upstate New York, Border Patrol agents conduct sweeps on Amtrak trains and Greyhound buses, going after not recent border crossers, but anyone with a “medium or black complexion.” New York University law school and the New York Civil Liberties Union have said the practice “raises serious constitutional concerns.”

    “The one irony in all of this is that Republicans are always complaining about big government and taxes, but when it comes to immigration, it’s a blank check,” said Tramonte. “They say, ‘Deport them all, no matter how much it will cost.’ Their principles of fiscal responsibility go right out the window when you add immigrant into the equation.”

  26. Lofty says

    Well, at least the Canucks have their secret weapon, the Tar Sands. Just heap it up all along the Wall and set fire to it. That’ll stop those pesky Yanks from escaping over it.

  27. komarov says

    Oh, no offense, but you are such small thinkers. All those wasted opportunities, all those obvious solutions.

    First, if the Canadians want a wall, too, make it a joint project. The wall can sit right on the conveniently straight border and is built and paid for by both nations. Watchtowers are staggered on both sides so they are just within weapons range of each other. This will keep the guards alert and motivated at all times at no extra cost.
    Being a joined project it will foster good relations between the nations, leading to a bitter-sweet farewell as the last bricks are laid down and the borders close forever. Thus it is no mere construction, no, it shall also inflict grievous psychological harm on top of being an unyielding physical barrier. The only way to make it better (worse) would be to cement some live children into the foundation. If it works for dikes it’s bound to do some good here, too.

    Secondly, there is no need for a roof or similar nonsense. The US Military or indeed the US Police have adequate budgets and resources to arm the entire wall with surface-to-air missiles. As a show of good faith and the government’s commitment to nuclear disarmament, some of the launch sites can be armed with nuclear missiles. This will quickly reduce the (costly) arsenal and strongly discourage trespassing. Public money spent on dealing with the fallout could also turn into an economic … er … windfall for the affected regions.

    As for underground attack, no doubt some small token DoD funding as well as the entire NASA budget can be reallocated to a project developing tunnel-seeking mole-robots. Again there is an opportunity for a ‘nuclear-tipped’ model to further reduce unwanted stocks. Furthermore the public will appreciate the money being poured into high-tech businesses – it’s not like NASA was doing anything useful with their money – and the military will finally have an alternative to drone strikes. Just imagine, you could add a little flavour to their lives by giving them the choice to strike from below as well as from above.

    Lastly, I would like to recommend that wall construction by subcontracted to the Red Army Corps of Engineers. They have established an excellent reputation as wall-builders, particularly nation-dividing walls. They also have previous experience with missile sites, nuclear and otherwise, and a whole plethora of military installations to be used against foreign and domestic populations in equal measure. You are not going to find a more experienced … firm … to support your project. You may have to spend a little extra cash on a veeeeery careful marketing campaign however. And nobody mention the C-word!*

    As you are no doubt wondering: yes, I am currently available for project work and my consulting fees are very reasonable indeed.

    *Rhymes with Ommunist.

    P.S.: Regarding the ladders I’d have to do some more research. But off the top of my head I’d go with harpoons. That’ll teach ’em! And you can’t go wrong with harpoons. If you do you just reel them in and try again.

  28. Suido says

    Psht. Everyone knows walls don’t keep category IV Kaiju out, you need a Jaeger program with plans to build up to Mark 5 and beyond.

    Which would make the military industrial complex and silicon valley and every other mech loving nerd out there your core constituency. Powerful allies, use them wisely.

  29. robro says

    Komarov — “The wall can sit right on the conveniently straight border…” Of course, there is that pesky stretch from Wisconsin through the Great Lakes, then up-and-around Maine to the Atlantic that isn’t straight at all and inconveniently a very important commercial seaway passes right through the middle of much of it. Oh what the hell, we don’t need no f•••king shipping to get to the Great Lakes. It’s just an invitation to anchor babies and terrorists. Lets close it down!

  30. komarov says

    Actually a separate and, if I do say so myself, bold strategy of mine to combat global warming is to get rid of the sea. Kill the sea before it kills you. (That’s actually part of the US-targeted marketing campaign planned for the project.) I’m not quite sure about the feasibility but that’s not really my department anyhow.
    Perhaps I could pitch the Great Lakes as a pilot project while simultaneously supporting the wall. There’s plenty of spare dirt lying around, especially with all the earthworks involved. It would become even easier once the first robot-moles come online. And having the Canadians pour their money (and dirt) into the project could be quite a boon.

    Thanks for bringing that up. I shall send you some 2-for-1 vouchers or something once my first paychecks arrive. Fingers crossed for the PZ presidential campaign…

  31. Anri says

    I shall build a wall around mt mind, keeping everything out.

    Then I will be the perfect conservative candidate.

  32. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    I shall build a wall around mt mind, keeping everything out.
    Then I will be the perfect conservative candidate.

    Unfortunately, you have to allow the irrational ravings of the Koch family in to guide your votes.

  33. sugarfrosted says

    PZ, he’ll build the wall around Wisconsin to keep non exploitative industry in, because his policies have been causing brain drain. Essentially building a wall around Wisconsin for the same reason Soviets built the wall.

  34. Menyambal - torched by an angel says

    I want to see the tsunami-proof wall, I really do. Just to see it.

    It would have to be *massive*. I have seen heavy steel bridges all rolled and tangled up, half a mile from what was left of the bridge piers. I just want to see a wall that can take that. (Slip the tsunami-proof bit into the proposal, without specifying cost, and get the Republicans to sign off on it – you could bankrupt them forever.)

  35. quotetheunquote says

    I’m quite in favour of the Canada wall, if it would help keep violent, fundamentalist, semiautomatic-toting terrorists out … of Canada.

    If you could put it up while Rob and Doug Ford are on vacation in Florida, that would be a real bonus; don’t know how it would go over stateside, but you’d get a ton of positive Karmic energy flowing your way from the GTA…

  36. mnb0 says

    @34 Lynna: don’t worry, American border patrols don’t discriminate. They don’t like smart, bold, impertinant Dutchies either.
    Background information: ask a Dutchie a stupid question and you’ll get an even more stupid answer. It’s a widespread cultural phenomenon in The Netherlands.

    Officer: ‘Who takes a coat to the US in the summer?!’
    Dutchie: ‘It would keep me dry, in case the New Orleans levees would break again.’
    Officer doesn’t like it and sends Dutchie back.

    Make sure to read till the very end – to read another fine example of Dutch humour.
    Don’t worry, GOP-fucks. This Dutchie won’t enter the USA any time soon, as he can’t keep his mouth shut either and has a serious lack of respect for authority.

  37. Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought says


    I appreciate the “you asked me a stupid question, I’ll give you a stupid answer” attitude. I suffer from it myself a bit.
    The article was great, thanks for linking to it.

  38. treefrogdundee says

    Don’t forget the reinforced concrete underneath the entire country. How else are we going to keep those damn Mole-Men from stealing American jobs and leeching off welfare?

  39. Azkyroth, B*Cos[F(u)]==Y says

    Oh yeah? Well I’ll install a whole fourth dimension and build a wall that intersects all of your walls!

  40. Saganite, a haunter of demons says

    You’ll obviously need to give people the chance to abandon the red zones ahead of time if they wish to. Places like Austin could maybe be airlifted out of there entirely beforehand.