Perhaps the memory of this story will fade. Or perhaps our esteemed state legislature will get around to making ejaculating in other people’s coffee without their knowledge illegal. Maybe. The state actually has a case like this, with a man secretly ejaculating into a co-worker’s coffee, but the initial charges were dismissed because, apparently, that’s not illegal in Minnesota.
The original charges against Lind were dismissed in November by Ramsey County District Judge Patrick Diamond, who said the crime required nonconsensual touching of the victim’s intimate parts.
The city of New Brighton then charged Lind with a misdemeanor charge of engaging in lewd or indecent behavior in her workspace at the Beisswengers hardware store in New Brighton.
It does make one wonder about Judge Diamond, who thought it was important to restrict the meaning of sexual misconduct to exclude this particular unpleasant behavior.
But have no fear, tourists! The law might get fixed.
The incident was a factor in the introduction of a bill in the Minnesota House that would make it a crime to add blood, semen, saliva or other substances to something a person is going to eat or drink.
Under the bill — debated in late March but sent back to committee — placing bodily fluids in a substance intended for human consumption would be a misdemeanor.
Uh, it was debated? It was sent back? This sounds like the kind of bill you’d pull out your rubber stamp and pound on it a few times, and then demand it get fast-tracked and zoom through. But then, maybe all our representatives are feeling lethargic because they are leery about getting their morning fix at Caribou Coffee anymore.
So until then, if you’re visiting the state, you might not want to let your food or drink wander out of sight at any time.
You might also watch out for cow-eyed men gazing affectionately at you.
In some ways the creepiest part of the whole story is that Lind, the awkward ejaculator, says he did it not to harass Maahs, but because he was attracted to her, and evidently this was the best way he could think of to express his interest.
Gah. The thing that keeps me from being proud of my gender is always…other men.