Always on the cutting edge, Apple has announced a bio-organic laptop.
Cook presented the bizarre, malformed new product to stunned silence during a media event at Apple headquarters, revealing a device that, while vaguely similar to a computer in certain respects, appeared to be encased in a thick, flesh-like coating that was visibly moist and engorged.
"Oh, my sweet God," Apple employee Kurt Starfeldt said after viewing the MacBook up close. "It appeared to be discharging some sort of mucus-type substance from the headphone jack and making these weird murmuring sounds. And then it started quivering at one point when Tim was demonstrating how to use the touch pad. It was quite upsetting, actually."
The photos reveal that it is definitely squamous. I want one. I want two so I can breed them.
Wait, damn, I just noticed that’s from the Onion. Hang on, I’m going to check up on the official apple.com site.
Hmm. I can watch HBO on apple devices now? Meh.
They’re selling a watch?
$350 for the low end?? Going up to ten freakin’ thousand gobslappin’ dollars?!!?!
Well, that’s disappointing. I want my oozing and engorged epithelial biocomputer — the laptop that will fuse with my lap and fulfill all of my Cronenbergian dreams. The overpriced watches are no substitute.