Give the presents back, Ken

Ken Ham claims to have turned 60 years old yesterday. I don’t believe him. For one thing, I wasn’t there, and for another, if we apply the same magnitude of error to his age that he does to the age of the universe, he’s actually less then 15 minutes old. And I’m sorry, Kenny, you don’t get presents for being 15 minutes old. You get a spank, a couple of shots, and an Apgar score, nothing more.


  1. fcaccin says

    But since it is his claim, would not that make him million of years old?

    MillionS, dammit.

  2. says

    Calendars exist to fool you, Ken. They’re unreliable, “human creations,” not the reliable word of God.

    And since the upshot is that human judgment just isn’t to be trusted–except when the right person is interpreting a bunch of ancient myths–you might just be a monkey with a lot of pretensions. Or just a Ham.

    Glen Davidson

  3. says

    Happy birthday, Mr. Ham!

    May someone give you the gift of a sound epistemology, a sense of shame, and a bottle of 30 year old Lagavulin to help numb the pain as you realize how much damage you’ve caused.

  4. Dick the Damned says

    That fraud should be horse-whipped for all the damage that he’s done to young minds. What a shameless asshole.

  5. Esteleth says

    The Apgar score is scored out of 10. For each of 5 categories, a baby gets 0 (bad), 1 (so-so), or 2 (good) points. An Apgar score of 7-10 is considered “healthy,” 4-6 “okay, but keep an eye on the kid,” and 3 or lower is “sick baby.”

    The five categories are:
    Appearance (skin tone good? overall shape correct?)
    Pulse (is there one?)
    Grimace (do they respond to simuli?)
    Activity (are they moving?)
    Respiration (are they breathing?)

    Yes, it’s a mnemonic. For the record, there is a Dr. Apgar. She came up with it.

  6. Glodson says

    Since I’ve not be there for many events, I cannot believe they happened. I, personally, never witnessed Ken Ham reading. So I must assume that he’s illiterate as well. And I cannot assume he was born when he claimed he was born. We must be skeptical about these things.

    Now, if anyone has any facts from the Bible about Ken Ham, I would be happy to believe those.

  7. naturalcynic says

    For all I know, 60 years ago Ham was dropped off in a cabbage patch by a stork. There is a controversy.

  8. koyote ken says

    BrianX says:
    21 October 2011 at 4:41 pm

    New England Bob:

    Respiration, heart rate, activity, talent, evening gown, and swimsuit.


  9. Mr.Kosta says

    Just 60? That’s a bit too early for the degree of senile dementia Kenny boy has shown.

  10. trevindor says

    …you don’t get presents for being 15 minutes old.

    Sure you do. Our firstborn came home from the hospital with a trunkload of stuff, mostly embroidered with “It’s a girl!” or “Congratulations!” Lots of tiny pyjamas, board books, stuffed animals etc.

    Now, our second born, not so much.

  11. says

    Does this mean I can rip out his short hairs for use in carbon dating… or something?

    We could cut him open and count his rings…but that would be wrong.

    Now, if anyone has any facts from the Bible about Ken Ham, I would be happy to believe those.

    There’s some bit about his descendants being consigned to slavery for some number of generations. I forget exactly. But just to be safe, we should probably wall him up.

  12. Alex, Tyrant of Skepsis says

    I am sure that with such an obedient and devoted wife, every day is like a birthday for Ken Ham.

  13. Knasher says

    Well, you are assuming that he isn’t counting in creationist years (or cyears). So 1 creationist year is about 21 million actual years and he is 60 cyears, making him about 1.26 billion years old. If that isn’t worth celebrating I don’t know what is.

    It would also explain why his thinking is so stone age, its actually remarkably forward thinking for him.

  14. Alexis says

    Look in mirror at my 60+ year old face for a benchmark. Look at photo of the Hammster. Yep. He looks at least 10 years older than me. Happy 75th Hammy. Or maybe he’s been rode real hard and put away wet too many times.

  15. Sally Strange, OM says

    You get a spank, a couple of shots, and an Apgar score, nothing more.

    A spanking is too good for Ken Ham.

  16. Synfandel says

    Appearance: 0 (a bit pastey with middle-age spread)
    Pulse: 1 (when necessary)
    Grimace: 2 (slow but responsive)
    Activity: 1 (does reading Pharyngula count?)
    Respiration: 1 (now and then)

    Yay! I scored a 5 on the Apgar.

  17. R.W. says

    “And circumcision? No circumcision for little K?”

    Not so simple when you’re dealing with such a huge prick.

  18. says

    Virginia Apgar (d. 1974) was an American pediatric anesthesiologist. The Apgar score is considered an example of the phenomenon that when you start measuring something, that alone is incentive for people to start improving their scores.

  19. tim rowledge, Ersatz Haderach says

    We could cut him open and count his rings…but that would be wrong.

    Why? Are growth rings in wooden-headed idjits not a reliable indicator of age? Enquiring minds want to know.

  20. evilDoug says

    Instead of cutting him open to count the rings, perhaps a core sample could be taken. Like in Eraserhead.

  21. cunninglingus says

    @31 De Humourless individual

    ‘Torture is *never* okay. Not even when it’s Ken Ham.’

    A lack of even a modicum of humour could be construed as torture, was I acquainted with you.

  22. Alex, Tyrant of Skepsis says

    Help a non-native speaker here – shouldn’t that be “were I acquainted with you”?


  23. Alex, Tyrant of Skepsis says

    No, I think it’s accurate, scaling 14 billion years to 6000 years is only a reduction by a factor of 2 million. Since there are 30 million seconds in a year, this reduces one year to 15 seconds. Thus, 60 years correspond to 15 minutes.

  24. James C. says

    Ken Ham’s head lies within a black hole, causing time dilation, so sixty years have passed outside, but fifteen minutes inside.

    So his problem is immaturity, not dementia. Think Benjamin Button near the end of his life, except that he’s growing older rather than younger, only very very very slowly. He’s remarkably intelligent for a fifteen-minute-old child, though[*], so we can expect great things from him in about 84,153,600 years[**].

    [*] You normally have to wait months to hear a child start to recite the Babble. Not only is Ken, freshly minted from the hospital, babbling already, people give him money to hear it.

    [**] That is, when he’s forty, I guess. Check my math and see if I messed up:

    $ python
    Python 2.6.5 (r265:79063, Jun 12 2010, 17:07:01)
    [GCC 4.3.4 20090804 (release) 1] on cygwin
    Type "help", "copyright", "credits" or "license" for more information.
    >>> from __future__ import division
    >>> 40*365.25*24*60*60
    >>> 40*365.25*24*60*60 / 15

  25. says

    Ken Ham taken down by the slacktivist who had read this article.

    These quotes are from the slackman:

    The same is true for Ken Ham. Ken Ham is a liar, a charlatan, a con-man, a bearer of false witness. He lies for money. Like Barton, he has been personally and publicly corrected innumerable times over many years, confronted again and again with the demonstrable, undeniable falsehood of his statements. And like Barton he makes no correction and offers no apology for those false statements. With an astonishingly cynical contempt for his audience, he simply assumes that his critics have no influence among those he has been fleecing, and he willfully continues fleecing them, continuing to make the very same claims and statements that he has been shown are false, continuing to say things that he knows are not true. Because he can get away with it and because it’s profitable.

    The fucking money quote for me, as in why we fight this bullshit:

    It’s considered rude to state this so bluntly. That’s what they’re counting on. Their ability to continue this lucrative con depends on a misplaced notion of civility that mistakenly presumes that the presumption of good faith is absolute and impervious to evidence. That warped idea of civility is what creates the space in which they are free to act in bad faith with impunity, to lie without any danger of ever being called to account for lying. Refusing to call liars to account is not civility, it’s aiding and abetting — becoming an accomplice in their scam.

  26. Robert Firth says

    I just googled an image of Ken Ham. I’d say he’s about 170lbs. I also guess that he eats about 2lbs of food every day.

    Do the math. Ken Ham cannot be more than 85 days old – it’s a scientific impossibility.

    (Now you know how Creationists prove a young Earth)