Maybe baby Jesus is playing with Dad’s branding iron again

This is Ali, a six month old baby in Southern Russia.


It’s a miracle! Every Monday and Thursday, fresh quotations from the Quran ‘magically’ appear on his legs, belly, or arms when he’s home alone with his mommy and daddy, and then the pilgrims show up in the thousands to give the happy family lots and lots of attention. I simply can’t imagine how red marks might appear on the delicate skin of a young baby while under the care of doting, attentive parents, or why anyone might cheat and fake a miracle…can you? The only possible explanation is that the omnipotent, omniscient master of the entire cosmos occasionally gets bored overseeing the fusion of hydrogen in stars, and just has to come down to visit Ali and dickishly inflame small regions of his epidermis. I can understand that; if I had the power to end a wasteful war in the Kizlyar region, I’m sure I’d just use it to torment babies instead. But hey, I’m an atheist. What’s God’s excuse?

As testimony to the importance of this miracle, the site has not one, but two online polls. Journalists are going all out on this story, I can tell!

Do you believe in miracles?

Yes 64%
I’m open to the possibility 21%
No 15%

Do you consider yourself religious?

Yes 70%
No 30%

Watch out, though. God is plainly a bit bored right now — he might take a break from getting fancy with rashes on babies and instead start doing something more appropriate to his vast power and glory…like playing games with internet polls.

Nah, who am I kidding? Nothing could be more fun for God than abusing babies! That never gets old!