Way back in early January, I suggested that we vote for one of the Countess’s horror stories in an online contest. You will be pleased to hear that she won “Best Short Horror Story”!
You may recall that I also suggested that she reward Pharyngula’s participation with a little story of our own, so now her horror story begins — she’ll need to write something for the vicious, bloodthirsty, brutally critical audience here. There’s no hurry, of course, but I’ll let you all know when she comes through for us. Maybe it will be something with a beautiful princess, and a pony, and cephalopods, and ancient bones, and grisly atheists, or something.
I demand that there are also trolls who are very concerned.
And Ben Stein. It should involve Ben Stein. And a dwarf.
I want a horror story about a freethinking pre-teen, a couple of grisly Christian parents, and a trollish evangelical pastor.
Er … on the other hand, maybe I’d rather read the one with the princess and the pony.
+ Pygmies!
A horror story couldn’t do worse than have that really nasty, vile, evil god-thing, that one known as Yahweh, as its anti-hero.
At the most recent Boston Skeptics brunch, it was decided that the world really needs a crossover story in which the characters from Twilight are dropped into Titus Andronicus. Goths, vampires — see, it all makes sense. What Chiron and Demetrius did to Lavinia was OK — because they loved her! They said so!
Something with Ben Stein would be OK too, I guess.
You can have trolls, but can you have PYGMIES + DWARFS?!!
[S]he’ll need to write something for the vicious, bloodthirsty, brutally critical audience here.
/me Looks bashful…
Normal snarling will be restored in 3… 2… 1…
Maybe something really scary like Bush back in the white house.
Maybe something really scary like Bush back in the white house.
Oh, I dunno… Perhaps just his head, detached from his body and pickled in a big jar with the label This is definitely not the president. Not stop worrying and enjoy life.
Don’t leave out the cracker desecration!
I erased my original suggestion before posting but I wanted you all to know that it may well have been the filthiest thing ever posted on pharyngula.
It involved Bill Donahue.
Here’s a scary thought: If the “multiple worlds scenario” in quantum physics is true, there might be a universe out there in which Sarah Palin is our President.
…
Brrrr.
Oh God, Ben Stein and a dwarf? What about the other six dwarves? Buehler? Buehler?
You guys are giving me many demented ideas. I do weird well, though, so I’m looking forward to writing a kick-ass sexy story for y’all. :)
I was thinking about something like “Night at the Museum” but it’s the creation museum, and the dino’s are a bit angry about being ridden, etc.
A horror story couldn’t do worse than have that really nasty, vile, evil god-thing, that one known as Yahweh, as its anti-hero.
Jumpin’ Jeezus! I just realized, it’s already been done. It’s called the Old Testament.
BTW, forgot to say “Congratulations!” Countess!
I’m all for it as long as the cephalopod gets to eat the princess.
@17: Out?
*high-Freud!*
I want a story about a gay man suffering from the affects of the theory of…. GRAVITY!!! Ahhhhhhh! Sagging jowls, baggy eyes, and a protruding stomach. (No six-pack here, just the effects of many six packs.)
Oh… wait… that’s my life story. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
And hobbits. It has to have hobbits. REAL hobbits – not that nasty, hairy Floriensis fellow. Hobbits. In bondage harnesses and zipper masks…
A horror story….hmmmmm…
How about a 45 foot snake eats a fundy? No. that’s high comedy.
A true horror story is one where creationists win a round (shudder, barf, scream)!
A biologist with nipple rings and a pitchfork.
it may well have been the filthiest thing ever posted on pharyngula
A bold claim. I can’t decide between demanding that you produce evidence to support your claim and shuddering in horror that you might do so.
A halfway normal teenager in a hyperChristian environment, being halfway normal, frightens the family into resorting to drastic measures. Late at night they get a bunch of churchfolk to ambush him/her for an exorcism.
The teenager won’t break, so the exorcism escalates from flinging holy water around to more severe tortures. Just Google real life “exorcism” deaths for ideas.(then you can be all like “BASED ON A TRUE STORY”.) Drinking bleach, drowning, electrocution…the teenager dies of course, no happy endings here.
Not a big fan of “torture porn” horror, but it was the first thing that came to mind.
Checkout the sequel. He tortures his son to death and then frightens a load of people into thanking him for it. He’s such a badass.
“I’m all for it as long as the cephalopod gets to eat the princess.”
That could have two very different outcomes…
I say the women should decide her fate.
Angels.
Have you ever noticed that, in the Bible, whenever an angel appears to humans, his first words are “Don’t be afraid.” Now why would an angel have to say that, unless angels of the Lord are some scary shit? And when angels don’t offer reassurance, they’re doing nasty things like beating up Moses in an alley or killing the Egyptian firstborn. Yet modern angel-believers are always spouting about feelings of “peace” and “love.” If angels bring feelings of peace and love, why are messenger angels always saying “Don’t be afraid”? Angels are some scary motherfuckers, you bet.
I bet you could write a really scary story, bolstered by the appropriate quotes from the Bible, about an encounter with an angel.
Off topic for moment,
Would someone test the “click here” link on my blog post here:
http://normdoering.blogspot.com/2009/02/testing-1-2-3-testing.html
You should get a list of two .wav files you can play. They’re just some quicky scifi sounds I cooked up. If they work, please drop a comment in my blog… and a different comment if they don’t.
Ponies! Plz, can haz ponies?
‘Cept for that one whose butt Jacob kicked…
Candy-ass angel. Taken by some guy from an Andrew Lloyd-Weber musical.
@18 Kobra
Someone has been watching too much anime tentacle porn, I see. Your way, or Cthulhu style. I’m easy to please.
Anything with Ken Hamm will be terrifying.
Oooh! Ooooh! Can there be a feathered horse in it? I promise no more doggerel for a whooooooooole week. Promise! :D
Redhead, has to have a redhead with a fiery temper. :-)
Has Redhead been reading too many Garrett novels?
Horror. . . The Trolls that won’t go away ?
Nah.
PZ doesn’t get email worthy of comic sans ?
Nope.
All the Pharyngulregulars try to pull up the blog only to get a 404 error ?
If you want to scare us just make sure that it is set in Kansas!
Is it actually possible to read too many Garrett novels?
Yells at the damn pixies in the wall to shut the fuck up…
Can we have two beautiful princesses ? I think the Countess could make them very entertaining. No ?
@ Kobra: Palin as president … please don’t say those things, there is such a thing sa good taste, now i’ll be feeeling weird the rest of the day :)
LOL, I’m reading comments. You guys are crazy, and you never disappoint. I have written farce before. Maybe I should try a horror/farce with tentacle sex and Buddy Christ. :)
It could be crazy mutant pastel ponies with HUGE pointy teeth that eat cephalopods! That would be scary.
I disagree with the Palin ideas, that’s just too scary :(
Well … I suggested this one a while ago.
I’m still processing story ideas. I expect it will take me about two or three weeks to write the story. Once I get the idea and outline down pat, it doesn’t take me long to actually pound the thing out. Keep an eye on my blog for updates. I’ll also send the story to PZ when it’s finished. And it’s likely it will be illustrated!! How cool is that?
@ Countess – please feel free to use that illustration. :-)
TENTACLE RAPE!
…and finally he dropped out of the wormhole, “I’m back!” he said as he sat down on his bed and opened up the text book. He gasped, breath caught in his throat, “N-n-no..it can’t be!”
…is theory the sticker read, not a fact…
*shiver* – that’d scare the willies out of me!
(no, seriously, tentacle porn, ponies, dwarfs, trolls and large beards with fangs kthxplz)
@38 blf
No, because he writes them too slow.
@44 The Countess
Just remember that Ken Hamms cellmate Cthulhu thinks he has a cute ass. You can skip that illustration though. Or not if it is central to the plot. :)
@47 Daniel M
OK. I have to know. Do the trolls have large beards that have fangs, or are there troll, and large beards that have fangs?