“He had an attack where his heart should have been”


I wish I could have been there—Kristine Harley was in the Galapagos and got to break the news to Richard Dawkins that Jerry Falwell had died. It’s hilarious.

It’s also true that Kristine is not a very nice girl. She’s probably a witch.

Comments

  1. says

    If she’s a witch, what’s she doing in a boat on the water!!!!???

    Oh, now you’re going to tell us Dorothy and the Wicked Witch of the West lied to us?

    What a world, what a world!

  2. Kseniya says

    The secret (until now) truth is that The Wicked Witch of the West was really an alien from the planet, um, well I don’t know what planet, but it was the same one that was the home of those aliens from Signs. Why those aliens decided to invade a watery planet like Earth, I’ll never know.

  3. says

    Bad women are hot.
    Witches are bad women.
    Kristine is hot.

    Therefore.., er…, Falwell needs an enema?

    Also, just wanted to say that I am probably one of the last people on the planet to learn about PYGMIES and DWARVES! And I nearly wet myself.

  4. says

    As everyone knows, witches float. They must be water repellent. I have never seen Kristine get wet, and obviously she didn’t sink on her trip…therefore, she must be a witch.

  5. carlsonjok says

    As everyone knows, witches float.

    That is because they weigh the same as a duck. However, the, umm, burning question is whether she weighs the same as a blue-footed booby?

  6. CalGeorge says

    I’m melting with jealousy.

    Falwell is being buried this morning!

    Quick! Mount another insultathon.

    Falwell’s funeral to be held next week

    Associated Press – May 16, 2007 7:33 AM ET

    The Reverend Jerry Falwell’s funeral is set for next Tuesday at Thomas Road Baptist Church, the 24,000 member church he founded in Lynchburg, Virginia.

  7. says

    I thought about turning Falwell into a toad, but decided that would have been redundant. ;-) Thanks, Hitch.

    Incidentally – haven’t you ever heard of a water witch? (There’s another funny story about this.)

  8. says

    Suddenly I feel seasick!

    Well! So much for Sean Hannity ripping into Hitchens for “attacking the man’s family,” which he didn’t. Now Falwell’s family (probably working under Falwell’s written directions) is turning his funeral into a vulgar, bloated display, to be televised and re-televised for all of time on Fox Spews. Yuck.

    Chaucerian frauds. Shelley’s poem “Ozymandias” also comes to mind.

  9. MJ Memphis says

    “Now Falwell’s family… is turning his funeral into a vulgar, bloated display”

    Well, “vulgar and bloated” does seem rather appropriate in this case.

  10. says

    All I know was that Lalla couldn’t make the trip. I was disappointed not to be able to meet her, and by the fact that Paul Kurtz also couldn’t come. However, I also met Eddie Tabash, who I missed when he was here in Minneapolis in December, and Josh Timonen, who manages Richard’s website, and of course, the CFI staff, who were so helpful in finding me roommates so that I could afford to go at all!

    (In fact, several other people cancelled, so I ended up with only one roommate, a woman in her 70s. In fact, I was one of the younger people on that ship and I’m no spring chicken, and there were people more spry than I am. One man was in his 80s. My goodness, 73 is young to have a heart attack – the people around Falwell who cared about him should have said something about how much weight he gained!)

  11. Peter McGrath says

    the Reverend’s grave will include an eternal flame.

    So he can carry on spouting hot air after death.

  12. Kseniya says

    There are also ditch witches.

    Dr. Myers, in the future, when you post a link to a site which features an item called a Vibratory Plow, please mark it NSFW? Thanks.

  13. mothra says

    I hear that Jerry Faldwell
    has died,
    I say, ‘Oh well.’
    With hatred’s creed,
    and bigot’s screed,
    he’s still living, now in hell.
    With askance
    and perchance
    a plea to those on high,
    his plight is such a grievous one,
    for a man to die.
    So he ascends to heaven,
    the choir does upswell.
    We shake our heads in wonderment,
    Bent pearly gates, a sad lament,
    hosts scattered through the firmament,
    At His left hand doth Jerry dwell,
    Returned to earth as heaven fell.

  14. says

    I wonder if that eternal flame will be fueled with the gasses from his decomposition? There will be a lot of methane there, and if it’s scented with putrescein and hydrogen sulfide, it’ll be all the more appropriate. The man will stink up the place long after his departure.

  15. sailor says

    “The Falwell’s also announced the Reverend’s grave will include an eternal flame.”

    Not content with damning us when he was alive he now wants to make sure we are damned with global warming. One thing a dead man does not need is an eternal flame. In his case expecially, as should the myth turn out to be reality, I think he will will be no stranger to flames.

    Funny really, he had a friendly relationship with Larry Flynt (via Orac). Not really surprising, they were both peddlers of types of sleaze, and both utterly tasteless as this eternal flame proves. They got together and found out how to benefit eash other – go round schools and debate religilon vs free speech.

  16. Kseniya says

    If this eternal flame thing holds up, it will make Falwell the fourth individual American so honored, following JFK, MLK, and Elvis.

  17. CalGeorge, radical secularist says

    They should have made it an eternal fart memorial.

    Pffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttt….

    [repeat for all time]

    It could have a motion sensor that triggers the sound every time someone walks by.

    Student A: What class are you off to?

    Jerry: Pffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttt…..

    Student B: My favorite class! Fundamentals of Fundamentalist Religion.

    Jerry: Pffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttt…..

    Student A: Hace a nice day!

  18. says

    Is the eternal flame not in danger of just reminding people to where a lot of us hope he has gone?

    It’s just my mildly sociopathic attitude, I know, but I find myself wanting to believe in god(s) a hell of a lot more when I find people who really really could do with a spell in the fire.

  19. Janine says

    That “eternal flame” is just as much a misnomer as the “eternal life” that he peddled.

  20. sailor says

    By the way Kristine your “he had an attack where his heart should have been” was wonderful!

  21. kellbelle1020 says

    You all are ignoring the potential fun pranksters can have with this eternal flame… I know the first thing I thought was that it would be hilarious to sneak into the cemetary and put it out! And, CalGeorge, it CAN be an eternal fart memorial too! Fart into the eternal flame and see who makes the biggest fireball :)

  22. Zbu says

    I’m loving how the first response to any news of Falwell’s death is “thank God that old gasbag finally kicked it.”

    And the eternal flame? Considering his idea of hell, that’s a very interesting choice!

  23. windy says

    The Falwell’s also announced the Reverend’s grave will include an eternal flame.

    Did he convert to Zoroastrianism on his deathbed?

  24. Azkyroth says

    Were I still a liberal Christian I would offer the following as an epitaph:

    7:15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
    7:16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
    7:17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
    7:18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
    7:19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
    7:20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
    7:21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. “Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven.”
    7:22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
    7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

    As it stands, I still like it. ^.^

  25. Dustin says

    Oh man, Kristine is a total witch. She weighs only very slightly more than a very athletic and fit Bible. Also, once, she yelled at me because I was trying to teach John A. Davison how to write a blog post rather than putting all of his new dreck in the comments.

    I can’t figure out why she did that. Not a nice girl at all.

  26. Dustin says

    Did he convert to Zoroastrianism on his deathbed?

    I hope not. I hear the sacred vultures are having a bad enough time as it is without needing to feed on Falwell’s bloated corpse.

  27. Scott Hatfield, OM says

    An understandable sense of schadenfreude, under the circumstances, does not qualify one as a witch.

    However, Kristine, given the circumstances, I repeat: we need pictures. Perhaps one of you and Dr. Dawkins, suitably crestfallen?

    (PS I remain envious)….SH

  28. Owlmirror says

    Over at Making Light, it was suggested that Falwell be referred to as a “fundamentalist cleric”. Combined with Kristine’s witchy witticism, that gives the following epitaph:

      “Fundamentalist cleric Jerry Falwell, died age 73. He had an attack where his heart should have been.”

    “Fundamentalist cleric” could probably be expanded…

      “Fundamentalist sectarian cleric Jerry Falwell, famous for issuing many fatwas against women’s rights, human rights, civil rights, science education, and entertainment for toddlers, died age 73. He had an attack where his heart should have been.”

  29. David Marjanović says

    7:19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

    See? The eternal flame is entirely appropriate.

  30. David Marjanović says

    7:19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

    See? The eternal flame is entirely appropriate.

  31. says

    I yelled at Dustin? Was that when I was doing my Yoda impression? Sorry – but you promised a deluge, did you not?

    Perhaps one of you and Dr. Dawkins, suitably crestfallen?

    Well, you could turn this one of both of us upside-down, I guess.

  32. Rich says

    Exciting opportunity: Angry Mob!!!

    Do you crave the excitement of outdoor group events but also need the intellectual stimulus of a Kangaroo Court? If so, the time has never been better for you to join our angry mob! We’ll use the most spiteful lines from your favourite religious texts as some backwards validation that what we’re doing is moral – and what we’re doing is burning witches! And by “witch”, we mean someone we don’t like, isn’t “faithful enough” our has some high-faulting ideas about how to better ourselves.

    Some pitchfork experience may be required. Inability to follow a coherent argument is a must. Please do not apply if your compassion is greater than your faith or you have been known to think freely.

    Angry Mob enterprises is not affiliated to the Discovery Institute in any way, we just happen to have the same directors.

    PS. KRISTINE IS A WITCH.

  33. Dustin says

    I yelled at Dustin? Was that when I was doing my Yoda impression? Sorry – but you promised a deluge, did you not?

    No, I just threatened one. Besides, that thread was groaning under its own weight already.

    And furthermore, when I read posts and imagine Frank Oz’s voice in my head, it really hurts. Nobody likes being rebuked by a cute green puppet.

  34. says

    I loved that line “He had an attack where his should have been.”

    That should be chiseled on the corpulent bigot’s headstone.

  35. Peter McGrath says

    The eternal flame will presumably be powered by good muslim Saudi gas. Explain that at the pearly gates. Epitaph: ‘Rev Falwell has gas.’

  36. Brian says

    Kangaroo Court…Angry Mob

    That made me smile seeing as the collective noun for Kangaroos is a mob.
    Now, how do I get to go to the Gallapogas and do some scientific study with the likes of Dr. Dawkins? I have no biological knowledge above first year Uni paleobiology, etc. Surely that’s enough for me to poke the local fauna and listen to real scientific types talk….no????

  37. JJR says

    The Pastafarians should claim him for a deathbed conversion story…lifted from this earth by his noodly appendage. Ramen!

  38. NJ Osprey says

    Hey! You say witch like its a bad thing. Now apologize.

    (Ribbit…Ribbit)

    Apology accepted.

  39. jotetamu says

    We can be quite sure he’s in hell – we have it on the authority of WBC and godhatesamerica.com.

    Jim Roberts

  40. Chinchillazilla says

    That could be the most appropriate COD I’ve ever read. I wonder if it’s on the death certificate.

    Also, I can verify that she is a witch. She turned me into a newt.

    /dork