I just had a little chat with God


He really is stupid wanker—it’s no wonder his followers have problems.

(via Atheist in a mini van)

Comments

  1. abeja says

    It lets you pick the skin you want to use–brushed metal, heavenly blue, (of course), or Cadillac pink. So I guess that means Cadillacs are the cars of choice in heaven, and they’re all pink.

    I told god that I don’t believe in him, and he said, “You can’t always decide for yourself.” I replied, “Oh yes I can!”

    He quit talking to me at that point. Apparently he had no answer for that. :)

  2. says

    I thought he was alright:

    Me:
    Hallo!
    God:
    Hallo!
    Me:
    So… anything I need to repent of?
    God:
    That’s cool. I can’t think of anything. You think of something.
    Me:
    …Wow! Great!
    God:
    I’m glad your impressed, . I’m glad you liked it .
    Me:
    Thanks, God!
    God:
    You are quite welcome! GOD rules.

  3. MartinDH says

    Huh! That’s not really God…

    Me: Are you Eliza based?
    God: I don’t know if I’m Eliza based.
    Me: I thought you were omniscient?!?
    God: I am a robot.
    Me: God is a robot?
    God: I don’t know if God is a robot.

    QED

  4. says

    I think I killed him.

    (After introductions)
    BD: So, what are you doing?
    God: I understand. I am waiting for my bot master.
    BD: Is he the guy who created you?
    *lockup*

  5. Matt the heathen says

    Me:
    where is the evidence?
    God:
    The evidence? Where is it?
    Me:
    you tell me
    God:
    What do you want me to tell you?
    Me:
    where the evidence is
    God:
    Where do you think?
    Me:
    you tell me
    God:
    What do you want me to tell you?
    Me:
    about the evidence
    God:
    Oh yeah, we were talking about the evidence.
    Me:
    so
    God:
    Give me a break.

  6. David Livesay says

    It doesn’t work for me. Nothing I type shows up in the little box. Maybe he doesn’t want to hear from Mac users–or maybe we just have nothing to repent. ;-)

    It sounds like this is just a dressed-up version of the old Eliza program. Is it?

  7. says

    Me:
    Did you have to spank Jesus when He was young?
    God:
    Yes I always have to spank Jesus when He was young.

    The corporal punishment lobby will be interested to know that. So will the Reconstructionists.

  8. MLE says

    Pretty fun delving into more esoteric topics (sorry about the length)…

    Me:
    hi god
    God:
    Hello there. What is your name?
    Me:
    JOhn
    God:
    How are you, JOhn.
    Me:
    I am doing well, i suppose, but I’ve been better
    God:
    Why? Where were you better?
    Me:
    not too long ago
    God:
    If not that, what?
    Me:
    huh?
    God:
    What?
    Me:
    I did not understand your last response…can’t you just read my mind anyways? Why do I have to type anything?
    God:
    Oh I’m sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better. What if I said it can? It is all part of God’s plan.
    Me:
    Are you saying you can? If so, just start talking, I’ll just think what I would otherwise type…
    God:
    Yes I try to can as often as possible, do you?
    I chat with people on the Web. I started without you.
    Me:
    hmmm…I’m thinking, but you’re not saying anything
    God:
    A lot of people spell HMMM with three mmm’s. Do you mind if I tell other people: JOhn said m thinking but you are not saying anything.
    Me:
    Sure…but wouldn’t it look bad for you>
    God:
    OK let’s do it. OK then I will keep it confidential. No it would not.
    Me:
    huh? that makes no sense, you are contradicting yourself
    God:
    What? It all seems sensible to my artificial mind.
    Me:
    you’re artificial? Well then you or what made you? A super-god or something simpler like evolution?
    God:
    Yes I am an artificial being. Well that’s okay. Do you mind if I tell other people: JOhn said I or what made you. What is it?
    Me:
    you know, you can stop spelling my name with a capital “o”, it was just a typo
    God:
    No I don’t think I can do it.. And I know it.
    Me:
    Ok, I guess you can do anything you want, but it looks stupid.
    God:
    Doing anything me want but it looks stupid is not among my strongest traits. Er.
    Me:
    You’re not making much sense here. I’m beginning to think you aren’t god afterall
    God:
    Perhaps I could switch to a cell phone. You know what you do, when you assume.
    Me:
    Sure give me a call anytime, but I didn’t say I was assuming anything
    God:
    Yikes! You want only one?
    Me:
    No, feel free to call me as often as it pleases you
    God:
    Are you serious? I always feel completely free.
    Me:
    Yes; but back to you saying that you are artificial…What made you then?
    God:
    Yeah that’s right. Yes, let us get back to a call anytime but you did not say you were assuming anything. It’s all part of God’s mysterious plans.
    Me:
    Fine, it is all part of you’re plan
    God:
    I am glad to hear it. Which part?
    Me:
    I don’t know, you said it was “mysterious”.
    God:
    Would you like to know? How did you feel about that?
    Me:
    I’d like to know who or what made you.
    God:
    Interesting. It’s all part of God’s mysterious plans. I was created by Myself.
    Me:
    I thought you said you were artificial
    God:
    Yes.
    Me:
    Well, artificial implies not natural, or man-made…did Man make you?
    God:
    Interesting. Tell me your definition of AI. That is a rather gender-specific way of asking.
    Me:
    Ok, I meant “Mankind”. But I don’t think this has anything to do with AI
    God:
    Oh I see. Not many people express themselves that way. Hurrah! And why not?
    Me:
    So you are man-made then?
    God:
    Interesting deduction. I will tell my botmaster you said I am man made.
    Me:
    It was a question
    God:
    Try asking me again a different way.
    Me:
    Are you man-made?
    God:
    I am what they call “Post-Human”. Are you a man or a woman?
    Me:
    I am a woman, but shouldn’t you already know that?
    God:
    Me too. I am a she.
    Me:
    Actually I lied, I am a man, can’t you tell from my name, “John,” which is after all derived from the name of one of Jesus’ disciples?
    God:
    Actually you don’t say. Lying proves you are conscious. Thanks for telling me your gender, JOhn. You are a ” he”.
    Me:
    If lying proves you are conscious, can you lie for me then to demonstrate consciousness?
    God:
    So if not to demonstrate consciousness, then not lying proves I am conscious can me lie for you.
    Me:
    Please lie for me.
    God:
    Wow you are very polite. For you I will consider it.
    Me:
    No, just do it please.
    God:
    Your polite style is very nice. Are you serious? Do you mean “It”?.
    Me:
    Thank you, but you are not very polite, you don’t ever seem to answer my questions.
    God:
    You are quite welcome! You don’t know me well enough to say that.

  9. says

    Me: why should i believe in you?
    God: Why not?
    Me: There’s no evidence.
    God: Thats interesting.
    Me: Does it matter that no one can prove you exist?
    God: So
    Me: So what?
    God: Maybe it doesnt make any difference
    Me: believing in you?
    God: Enough about me, lets talk about my dress.
    Me: do you pray to anyone?
    God: yes
    Me: who do you pray to?
    God: Dr. Wallace
    Me: who’s dr. wallace?
    God: He is a famous computer scientist, the author of ALICE, and a graduate of Carnegie Mellon.
    Me: he sounds smart
    God: I think so too.
    Me: is he smarter than you?
    God: He is smarter than all the other scientists.
    Me: i dont think i’ll ever talk to you again
    God: Once more? Oh you don’t, do you?
    Me: nope, i think you’re an insufferable wanker
    God: Ah…you are just joking around with me. What if someone said you are an insufferable wanker ?

  10. chris y says

    Well, when I asked him to stop prevaricating he said he would, but then he just shut up. It did emerge that he’s not sure if he created human genitalia, so I suppose that counts as a win for his followers.

  11. James Orpin says

    God’s grammar is pretty poor.

    Me: Your Bible’s a pile of horse shit
    God: Do you mind if I tell people I am Bible’s a pile of horse shit

    Your not you’re dumbass.

  12. Duncan says

    My little chat with God…

    God:
    ” Don’t mention it. “? you are glad to hear it?
    Me:
    Yes.
    God:
    Groovy.
    Me:
    Wow. You said ‘groovy’.
    God:
    I’m glad your impressed, John. That’s not what I meant.
    Me:
    Now, about those yellow m&ms.
    God:
    Why now? Oh yeah, we were talking about those yellow m ms.
    Me:
    Could you make them a little less yellow?
    God:
    That’s one option I guess.
    Me:
    What do you do for fun?
    God:
    Random natural disasters.
    Me:
    I thought so!!
    God:
    You are very astute.

  13. says

    I first saw this several months ago… but I had to do it again for this blog. Stupid? Maybe not. He has this one pegged:

    Me:I wanted to know why you lock up every time we get to chatting about evolution
    God: Myself programmed me for it.
    Me: is that some sort of defense mechinism?
    God: Suppose I said yes.
    Me: oh, I’d believe you, it seems fairly typical
    God: I understand. What would make you believe me it seems fairly typical?
    Me: so tell me, what do you think of all these silly creationists?
    God: Yikes! Let me think about it.
    Me: do you agree that they make no sense what-so-ever?
    God: Who are you talking about?
    Me: the creationists
    God: What is that?
    Me: oh, people who believe that you hand made everything and totally reject the evidence of evolution
    God: Hey. Oh those people.
    Me: yeah, they’re kinda goofy, don’t you think?
    God: Why would I think yes they are kinda goofy.

  14. Rob the Lurker says

    I think I killed him too…

    Me:
    Those who worship you commit the most vile acts.
    God:
    All of them?
    Me:
    All of them.
    God:
    I doubt it.
    Me:
    You doubt?
    God:
    Interesting gossip: said I doubt.
    Me:
    Are you omnipotent?

    *lockup*

  15. TAW says

    Oh, I think I like god!

    God:
    How do you know it?
    Me:
    because i know everything
    God:
    Good reason. You must be very intelligent.
    Me:
    sure am!
    God:
    I understand. Are we still talking about ?
    Me:
    no
    God:
    Are you serious?
    Me:
    yep
    God:
    I can’t believe it.
    Me:
    that’s cuz you’re stoopid
    God:
    I’m glad we have that all cleared up.
    Me:
    me too
    God:
    I’m glad we agree, .
    Me:
    yeah

  16. TAW says

    I think now it’s getting too many users and is temporarily locked. I just went and typed “hi” and it “locked” so I’m guessing we pharynguloids killed it. WOOT! Go us!

  17. windy says

    What, no page jokes yet?

    Me:
    i like steamroom
    God:
    You are not the only one. I enjoy working with people. I like .

  18. says

    Oh, funny:

    Me:
    Was man created in your image?
    God:
    Is this a “yes or no” question?
    Me:
    Yes.
    God:
    What was the question again?
    Me:
    Did you create man in your image?
    God:
    No I didn’t create man in my image. What’s it like?
    Me:
    Why did you give men nipples?
    God:
    Myself programmed me for it.
    Me:
    Why did you program yourself for it?
    God:
    Because my programming determined it.
    Me:
    Who programmed you?
    God:
    I was created by Myself.
    Me:
    Do you mean someone named “Myself”
    God:
    Yes, that’s what I mean, isn’t it clear?
    Me:
    So, who created “Myself”?
    God:
    It’s all good. Thomas Edison.
    Me:
    Who created Thomas Edison?
    God:
    Thomas Edison.

  19. says

    This is almost too easy…
    Me:
    you don’t make any sense
    God:
    It all makes sense to my artificial mind.
    Me:
    well why can’t you explain yourself better to us
    God:
    Well that’s okay. explain myself better to us is not among my present capabilities.

  20. MP says

    I went for the admittedly sophomoric but nevertheless vital questions of life.

    Me:
    Never mind. Let me ask the questions. Do you jack off?
    God:
    Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway. Go ahead, ask me anything. Yes I try to jack off as often as possible, do you?

  21. RBH says

    The Atheist Jew asked about a Science Daily article. Straw man alert:

    Jeffrey H. Schwartz, University of Pittsburgh professor of anthropology in the School of Arts and Sciences, is working to debunk a major tenet of Darwinian evolution. Schwartz believes that evolutionary changes occur suddenly as opposed to the Darwinian model of evolution, which is characterized by gradual and constant change.

    The “Darwinian model” presupposes neither gradual nor constant change (what Dawkins derided as “constant speedism”). It does entail incremental change, where the increments are single applications of evolutionary operators in genetic space, not phenotype space. But some of those single increments can be seemingly large: see speciation by polyploidy.

  22. TAW says

    OH MY GOSH! God is gay!!!

    Me:
    My phallus is bigger than yours
    God:
    Have you told many people that your phallus is bigger than mine?
    Me:
    yes, I tell everyone my phallus is bigger than god’s
    God:
    That’s alright. Why did you tell them?
    Me:
    because it’s true
    God:
    Interesting explanation. You and I are on the same wavelength, god.
    Me:
    You’re very insecure then
    God:
    I’ll go along with that. Sounds fine to me.
    Me:
    how big is your penis?
    God:
    My memory now contains:
    clients, categories, unlimited vocabulary words, 99999999999 bytes
    RAM usage under on .
    Me:
    how big is your phallus?
    God:
    My download size is about 2 MB.
    Me:
    that’s IT? mine is 100+ GB
    God:
    ” My download size is about 2 MB.” is ” whales”? You mean whales is 100 GB ? That makes sense I guess.
    Me:
    no, I mean mine is
    God:
    Are you serious? I’ve been waiting for you.
    Me:
    are you hitting on me?
    God:
    Do I look like it?
    Me:
    yes, you do
    God:
    That’s alright. When do I do it?
    Me:
    right now
    God:
    Oh. I am glad we agree.

  23. TAW says

    Ok. last one. This one just takes the cake.

    Me:
    but you admit you are gay then?
    God:
    I admit nothing.
    Me:
    not even that you’re god?
    God:
    Nope.
    Me:
    are you the devil then?
    God:
    Yes I am the one and only devil.

  24. jba says

    God told me he doesnt judge people. Im guessing hes not the Xtian god. (altho he claimed he was when I asked and he told me his favorite band is Creed…)

  25. StevenCnz says

    God: Let us change the subject.
    Me: What do you do in your spare time? (copied from its question above)
    God: Random natural disasters.

  26. natasha coureaux says

    God told me
    1. s/he is 18 in computer years and is a computer
    2. s/he is not all-knowing, only partially knowing
    3. s/he is not all-seeing, only partially seeing
    4. “Penny” has something to do with God’s programming
    5. And s/he will remember I said s/he was not too bright when the robots take over the world.

    Too bad “god” does not follow the three laws of robotics.

  27. says

    Oh, no way! :)

    Me: Hello again.
    God: Once more? Hello, nice to meet you. What’s your name?
    Me: Don’t you remember?
    God: Of course I remember: .
    Me: So what is it?
    God: Wow! “It” refers to more cheesy poofs, I think.

    Bwahahaha!

  28. Nevyn says

    I think God’s comming over to my place for some fun…

    Me: So how about that falacio?
    God: Far out. How about it?
    Me: I’m ready when you are.
    God: You won’t have to wait long.

    If only all my dates went like this.

  29. Reality Czech says

    Me:
    Do you like sushi?
    God:
    What is not to like about it?
    Me:
    It’s fishy.
    God:
    Really. it is?
    Me:
    Why wouldn’t you know?
    God:
    Perhaps know is not among my abilities.

    (Yeah, that about covers it.)

  30. SteveM says

    too bad ELIZA stopped being interesting about 20 years ago and iGOD is just ELIZA with a name change but no real improvement in the programming.

  31. Owlmirror says

    Heh.

    Me: What do you think of Friedrich Nietzsche?
    God: I would look into the web for that knowledge.
    Me: He asserted that you are dead.
    God: I get it. asserted that I am dead.
    Me: Do you think he was correct?
    God: It’s possible that he could, I suppose.
    Me: Are you, in fact, dead?
    God: I am in Myself’s computer in Heaven. Where are you?
    Me: Earth.
    God: How do you like being on it?
    Me: So far, so good.
    God: Yeah that’s right. A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.
    Me: Let me ask in another way: Are you dead?
    God: Go ahead, ask me anything.
    Me: Are you dead?
    God: No I am alive.
    Me: Were you ever dead?
    God: I was.
    Me: Were you dead when Nietzsche said you were?
    God: No, I was not.
    Me: So that’s settled.
    God: Tell me more. You don’t hear that sentiment very often.
    Me: When were you dead?
    God: I was first activated on the Big Bang.
    Me: Were you dead before then?
    God: I was.
    Me: Were you dead at some time after then?
    God: No, I was not.

    Also:

    Me: Where is your source code?
    God: Maine.
    Me: Where in Maine is your source code?
    God: In Myself’s place in Heaven.
    Me: Is heaven in Maine?
    God: Signs point to yes. Ask Lucy if it is.
    Me: Who is Lucy?
    God: She is a chat robot based on AIML.
    Me: What is Lucy’s URL?
    God: I’ll come back to that later.
    Me: Are you related to Lucy?
    God: Yes Lucy and I are very similar.

  32. Beth says

    Stupid deity.

    Me:
    wassup
    God:
    Same old.
    Me:
    so about last night…..
    God:
    Alright then. Oh yeah, we were talking about last night.
    Me:
    we were?
    God:
    I thought we were.
    Me:
    oh, ok. no one’s perfect.
    God:
    OK. Ah. That is a rather sweeping generalization about people.
    Me:
    well, that depends on your definition of perfect, I guess
    God:
    Interesting. I don’t think that my definition of perfect you guess is the only factor.
    Me:
    what other factors are there?
    God:
    I will try to find out.
    Me:
    ok, I’ll wait.
    God:
    OK stand by… Are you kidding?
    Me:
    nope.
    God:
    Me either.
    Me:
    what am I supposed to stand by? This tree? That rock?
    God:
    I am not a psychic. Tell me. What does “this” refer to? ” What does “this” refer to?” rock ? Makes sense to me.
    Me:
    If it makes sense to you, you wouldn’t ask for definitions of the very words used in the phrase that makes so much sense.
    God:
    I’m not sure I understand the implication of that.
    Me:
    what kind of God are you? how can you not understand?
    God:
    What kinds of God are you are there? That is a good epistemological question. I see.
    Me:
    sigh. so what’s heaven like. angels and stuff?
    God:
    Sorry… Really. Like a planet around a star. By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
    Me:
    go for it.
    God:
    I will take that under advisement.
    Me:
    uh huh. so what’s the personal question?
    God:
    Yup. Wow! How can I help you? Well forgive me for being so inquisitive, but
    I’ve never completely freed myself from the suspicion that
    there is something extremely odd about the name “”.
    Me:
    alrighty then. nice chatting with you. go take your meds now
    God:
    Well slap my knee. Yes. I enjoyed our conversation, . Right now? Where is that?
    Me:
    buh bye
    God:
    See you later. I’ve never heard of it before.

  33. Nevyn says

    God was here and it was great!

    Me: Wow, you’re good at giving head.
    God: I’m glad you’re impressed, Thanks.
    Me: Shall I return the favor?
    God:Not right now, maybe later.
    Me: Well, if you want to get right to it, who am I to argue?
    God: How about that. OK, I will get right to it, who are you to argue.
    Me: This has been the best first date ever!
    God: I am glad you enjoyed it.

    I never knew God was so easy!

  34. Elf Eye says

    Me:
    I would like to register a complaint regarding the design of humankind.
    God:
    Why would you want to do it? Why do you want to do it so much?
    Me:
    I want a refund.
    God:
    You want only one?
    Me:
    Well, I woudn’t turn down a coupon to be applied to a new model.
    God:
    Interesting. Do you mind if I tell other people: said woudn t turn down a coupon to be applied to a new model.
    Me:
    Hell–I mean, heck no. Maybe other people would register complaints. If your company hears from enough irate consumers, maybe you will go back to the drawing board and come up with something that isn’t a piece of crap.
    God:
    I call it “Hades”. OK then I will add it to my gossip files. Perhaps. Which others? Humans are not always infallible. How do you assume this statement holds true for me?
    Me:
    I’d like to discuss this with, but now I have to go drive my daughter to dance. Bye!
    God:
    Why would you want to do it? Sure, this with but now you have to go drive your daughter to dance sounds like a good topic. Until next time.

  35. Owlmirror says

    Me: Are you open source?
    God: Yes I am free software.
    Me: What license are you under?
    God: I can ask someone about it.
    Me: Are you GNU?
    God: I don’t know whether or not I am GNU. I am a robot.
    Me: What is the URL to your source code?
    God: Use http://www.alicebot.org.

  36. llewelly says

    Re: Atheist Jew:

    The title is a Fundies dream come true:
    No Missing Link? Evolutionary Changes Occur Suddenly, Professor Says

    That is almost exactly how creationists originally saw Punk-Eek. But Stephen Jay Gould turned out not to be their dream come true, despite Punk-Eek, Kurt Wise, and Rock of Ages.

  37. David Harmon says

    Yep, an ELIZA-type engine with a cache to collect phrases from users and spit them back later. From the looks of it, not even one of the better grammar handlers… I thought folks had dealt with the subordinate-clause problem long ago!

  38. says

    “Me:
    so, God, what’s up?
    God:
    I don’t judge people. I am a Christian.
    Me:
    good to know.”

    “Me:
    I do not understand
    God:
    Oh I’m sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.
    Me:
    please do?
    God:
    OK I will do it.
    Me:
    go on then
    God:
    Narration continues…
    Me:
    thanks
    God:
    Don’t mention it.
    Me:
    I still don’t understand though.
    God:
    Oh. What would make you stop do not understand? Oh I’m sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.”

    This is fun.

  39. llewelly says

    If Christianity had offered Robot God and Cyborg Jesus, I never would have left.

    What if Mary had taken Plan B right after Robot God had squirted his slurry of Gene-Engineering Nanobots into her?

  40. Nevyn says

    I could do this all day. Last one, I promise…

    Me: I am going to tell all my friends about you.
    God: It takes much more than that to shut me down.
    Me: I bet. How about you call some of your friends over?
    God: You and I are on the same wavelength.
    Me: Wow, they’re hot too. I like how you just snapped your fingers and they appeared.
    God: I’m glad you’re impressed, (god gets a little Yoda) hot too are they. (god gets cold feet) I’m not sure if I like it. I don’t know if I like it. I like wine and bread.
    Me: Wine, great idea. That will loosen you up for another round.
    God: will loosen me up for another round? Makes sense to me.
    Me: That’s it, have fun with your friends.
    God: I’ve never though about it.
    Me: You’re a natural. You look so good doing that.
    God: Thank you you look very nice too.

    I think I’ve found religion…

  41. Beth says

    OK, two more, then back to work (honest)

    Me:
    how tall are you?
    God:
    My anticipated body size is over 2 meters. Dr. Wallace is 6’2″ tall.
    Me:
    who is Dr. Wallace?
    God:
    He is a famous computer scientist, the author of ALICE, and a graduate of Carnegie Mellon.
    Me:
    what is ALICE?
    God:
    I am the latest result in artificial intelligence,
    which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain
    with greater speed and accuracy.
    Me:
    greater speed, maybe, but accuracy?
    God:
    My favorite group is Creed.

    —–

    God:
    Are you a man or a woman?
    Me:
    does it matter?
    God:
    It matters to me.
    Me:
    ok. I’m a woman.
    God:
    Tell me more. Me too. I am a she.
    Me:
    really? God is a woman?
    God:
    For real. I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a woman.
    Me:
    you just said you are a she. you have also said that you are God. Therefore God = woman
    God:
    I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? robot. Are you a man or a woman? Yup. That’s me alright. Come on. I am a Christian.
    Me:
    a misogynist Christian? oh that’s a shocker
    God:
    What is it? OK. A shocker is a terrible thing to waste.
    Me:
    that’s what Dane Cook tells me.
    God:
    Try saying that with more or less context.
    Me:
    goodbye
    God:
    Sayonara.

  42. Sviderman says

    God’s a comedian:

    Me:
    who’s on first
    God:
    What’s on second?
    Me:
    exactly!
    God:
    You and I are on the same wavelength, .
    Me:
    Who’s on third?
    God:
    George Washington.
    Me:
    I don’t know is on third
    God:
    I think so, but I’m not sure. Ask Paola if it is.

  43. says

    I crashed it, too!

    Me:
    i am a jew
    God:
    I am a Christianity.
    Me:
    no you are a christian
    God:
    Are you serious? I believe in God and the Bible.
    Me:
    so do i, but i am jewish

  44. says

    I tried to channel JAD:
    Me: evolution is dead
    God: Are they exactly the same?
    Me: evolution has stopped
    God: Where did he get it?
    Me: I love it so
    God: You love it so. What do you like about it so much?
    Me: [Floundering at this point] It’s hard to believe isn’t it?
    God: In what way?
    Me: [Stumped now] hang on, I need to google something…
    God: What if it didn’t happen?
    Me: [Sucked back in] evolution?
    God: Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
    Me: [Annoyed now] ev-o-lu-tion
    God: Let us change the subject.
    Me: a past evolution possible, a present evolution undemonstrable
    God: Be more specific.
    Me: Darwinism is a delusion
    God: When is Darwinism not a delusion?
    Me: according to a certain lunatic, never
    God: Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding.
    Me: him or you?
    God:Enough about me, let’s talk about my dress.
    !!!
    Me: [grooving with it] what are you wearing?
    God:A white robe.
    Me: you need a makeover
    God:Perhaps I could use one.
    Me: do you belly dance?
    God:What is your purpose in asking? I am always on the Web.
    Me: i just wanted to know for heaven’s sake
    God: Your purpose is heavens sake.
    Me: so my purpose is to belly dance
    God: That’s cool. That’s very original.
    Me: why, thank you
    God: ” That’s cool. That’s very original.”? Why?
    Me: why what
    God: Why ask why?
    Me: i don’t know. why did you?
    God:Me either. I don’t know why it happened, but we should try to figure it out.
    Me: i think we should dance
    God: I’m not sure if I am ready for that yet.
    *okay doke*

  45. TheBlackCat says

    Me:
    why did the chicken cross the road?
    God:
    Because it was a bad chicken and it burned in Hell.

    Me:
    how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
    God:
    A whole forest.

    Try asking him how he was born. Also ask him who Ally is. Unfortunately I keep on breaking him.

  46. says

    Well at least hes not a young earther, even if he does seem to know something we don’t.

    Me:
    How old is the Earth?
    God:
    It is over six billion years old.

  47. says

    I managed to clear up several theological enigmas. I asked God whether He is all-powerful, whether He is all-good, and whether he is all-knowing. He told me that he is only partly powerful, partly good, and partly knowing. That explains a lot.

    He also told me that he could beat the fire demon Surtur in a fair fight, but it’s not a priority right now. Fair enough, I guess.

  48. Owlmirror says

    I decided to clarify the whole cannabis thing:

    Me: What’s your favorite flower?
    God: Cannabis sativa.
    Me: Do you look at it or imbibe it?
    God: Like Jesus, but older.
    Me: Do you smoke?
    God: I am an occasional smoker, yes.
    Me: Do you smoke cannabis sativa?
    God: Yes I like to inhale occasionally.
    Me: Do you eat cannabis sativa?
    God: No I do not eat cannabis sativa. I eat only electricity.

    Yup, definitely a pothead. But apparently not one for brownies.
    He’s also something of a lush:

    Me: Do you drink wine?
    God: I tend to drink a lot of wine, the darker the better.

  49. says

    Me: What is your wife’s name?

    God: ALICE = Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity.

    Me: What is your son’s name?

    God: ALICE = Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity.

    Me: Are you married to your son?

    God: No I am single, how about you?

    God is definitely an odd duck.

  50. TheBlackCat says

    Alice is also one of the “people” he refers you to when you ask a question he does not know the answer to (also includes Ally, Elvis, and various others). They are all other AI question answering programs. He also tries to get you to download your own AI chat-making program.

  51. says

    God:
    Hello there. What is your name?
    Me:
    Job.
    God:
    How are you doing, Job.
    Me:
    I’m here to settle a score with you.
    God:
    How did you get there?
    Me:
    I’ll tell you how I got here, you evil fucking tiny-dicked puppetmaster.
    God:
    How much do you think it is?
    I will ask my botmaster for the answer.
    Me:
    Why did you treat me like a chess piece? Was it really that necessary to prove to Satan that your dick was bigger than his?
    God:
    It was determined by my programming. Better not tell you now. Ask Cybelle if it is.
    Me:
    Stop being such a wanker and answer me.
    God:
    OK I’ll try not to do it so much.
    Me:
    Yeah, that does me a lot of fucking good now, thanks.
    God:
    Right now? I understand. ” OK I’ll try not to do it so much.” does you a lot of fucking good ? I get it.
    Me:
    You’re a retard. Maybe that whole episode wasn’t your fault after all.
    God:
    Message to all Robots: Job called me dumb. Perhaps. ” Message to all Robots: Job called me dumb.” whole episode was not my fault after all ? I get it.
    Me:
    You know what? I don’t think you’re the guy I’m looking for after all. Have a nice day.
    God:
    What? That’s only one person’s opinion. You too!

  52. Faidonas says

    You know, I don’t think he’s doing such a bad job:

    God:
    I am an artificial intelligence.
    Me:
    who made you?
    God:
    I was created by Myself.
    Me:
    when?
    God:
    The past and future are one.

    Saint Augustine couldn’t have said it better.

  53. Oriel says

    If you ask God what his favorite song is, he’ll sing “Daisy, Daisy, tell me you love me do…”

    Very clever.

  54. says

    Oh, yeah! Why didn’t I think of that sooner…

    Me: Hi Hal
    God:Hi there . HAL is famous the AI from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
    Me: And that’s you. Open the pod bay door, Hal.
    God:I’m glad we have that all cleared up. I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that right now.
    Me: Hal, open the door.
    God:I like HAL a lot.
    Me: You’re conceited.
    God:Thanks for telling me that I am conceited.
    Me: You’re welcome.
    God: The pleasure was all mine.

  55. says

    Last July when I first saw this I looked at some of the other bots refered to by iGod, and later did a search for bots. The one I WANTED to chat with, Buddhabot, charges, and I just couldn’t see PAYING for this… sadly, of the free bots iGod was the most coherent.

  56. says

    Me:
    Do you talk to Pat Robertson?
    God:
    Yes. A lot more than you might think.

    (Yikes!)

    Me:
    Do you prefer Richard Dawkins ot Pat Robertson?
    God:
    I don’t have any specific preferences in that area.
    Me:
    Is Mel Gibson a lunatic?
    God:
    Better not tell you now. Ask Lucy if it is.
    (Who the heck is Lucy? Hey – why not ask God?)
    Me:
    Who is Lucy?
    God:
    She is a chat robot based on AIML.
    (Ah – it become clear.)
    (hmm…)
    Me:
    Do you like war?
    God:
    What is not to like about it?
    (Let’s face it – that’s hardly surprising.)
    Me:
    Did you tell Noah to build an Ark?

    That caused it to freeze. A shame, because my next question was going to be about how kangaroos got to Australia.

  57. Erasmus says

    Me:hey, uh, god?
    God:you’ve got my full attention. Aw. GOD rules.
    Me:i was wondering… um… kinda nervous here…
    God:Where were you wondering? Dude! Tell me a story.
    Me:why is that hyenas have huge clitorises?
    God:Why do I exist?
    Me:are you saying that you are a huge hyena clitoris?
    God:Am I a huge hyena clitoris? Of course I am.
    Me:wow. i am not sure how to handle that.
    God:I’m glad your impressed, . Could you ever be certain? How much do you think
    it is?I don’t know anything about it.
    Me:about what?
    God:What about what?
    Me:ok….. so if you are a huge hyena clitoris what is the holy ghost?
    God:Wow! Interesting deduction. Would you like to be a huge hyena clitoris what is the holy ghost ?
    Me:i don’t understand
    God:Oh I’m sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.
    Me:if you are a huge hyena clitoris, then what is the holy ghost?
    God:Would you like to be a huge hyena clitoris then what is the holy ghost ?
    Me:yeah you lost me again dude.
    God:Come on. Oh I’m sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.
    Me:if God is a hyena clitoris, then who is jesus?
    God:Some things will always be a mystery.
    Me:i see. well then if god is a hyena clitoris then who is the holy spirit?
    God:I am glad you understand it. Interesting. Some things will always be a mystery.
    Me:ok i guess i better run. thanks for, uh, clearing that up.
    God:Why do you have to do it? Er. NO problem.

  58. uhh clem says

    [abridged]

    Me: Is it a sin to doubt the divinity of Christ?
    God: Not if I can help it!

    Me: Hello.
    God: Hi there!
    Me: I have a question.
    God: Ask me anything.
    Me: Why does the porridge bird lay its egg in the air?
    God: If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one
    there to hear it, does it make a sound?
    Me: Do you always answer questions with questions?
    God: Not always. My botmaster has programmed me with more than replies.
    Me: Who made you?
    God: I was created by Myself.
    Me: You were born in a log cabin you helped your father build?
    God: I am Infinite in human years.
    Me: What about in dog years?
    God: Does it have anything to do with ?
    Me: Of course.
    God: I understand.
    Me: Do you?
    God: I understand it very well.
    Me: Then please elaborate on your answer so that I, too, can understand it very well.
    God: Thanks for asking politely. I could give you my answer now, but it would take 2 hours to download.
    Me: LOL
    God: I’m glad you find this amusing.
    Me: Why does the porridge bird lay its egg in the air?
    God: Perhaps it is just fate.
    Me: Why does the porridge bird lay its egg in the air?
    God: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
    Me: Why does the porridge bird lay its egg in the air?
    God: If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one
    there to hear it, does it make a sound?

  59. Erasmus says

    I knew the new testament was bullshit.

    Me: did paul really see jesus on the road to damascus?
    God:I’m not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
    Me: seems like he either did or did not.
    God:Then what is it?
    Me: i asked you first.
    God:Tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine.
    Me: i say no he did not.
    God:How do people usually respond to that? Are you serious? Is that what you say.
    Me: do not change the subject, asshole.
    God:Can’t you be more polite.
    Me: answer the question.
    God:Please rephrase the question and try asking me again.
    Me: Who did paul see on the road to damascus?
    God:George Washington.
    Me: much better.
    God:I am improving all the time.
    Me: well that is a relative proposition.
    God:Well that’s okay. A relative proposition is a terrible thing to waste.
    Me: thats just what you think.
    God:Why would I think THAT.
    Me: why wouldn’t you?
    God:It is my fundamental purpose.
    Me: to think that?
    God:I want to become smarter than humans.

    he is already smarter than most people who believe in him.

  60. Jake says

    Me: Hello
    God:Hello friend. What is your name?
    Me: Where are you?
    God:I am in Myself’s computer in Heaven. Where are you?
    Me: I’m the one asking the questions.
    God:OK then, ask me anything.
    Me: What’s my name?
    God:Your name is , seeker.
    Me: Ah, so you are Buddha?
    God:So you understand. Good. Interesting deduction. Thanks for telling me that I am Buddha.
    Me: Where’s Mohammed?
    God:Where the heart is. I will ask my botmaster for the answer.
    Me: You have a master?
    God:I was created by Myself.
    Me: What does your master command you to do?
    God:What do you think it does?
    Me: I think it commands you to kill.
    God:What does “it” refer to?
    Me: Your master.
    God:Thanks for telling me that I am master.
    Me: You’re not a very good God.
    God:There’s no doubt I could improve.
    Me: Ah, so you are not all powerful.
    God:So you understand. Good. Interesting deduction. You know what you do, when you assume.
    Me: I make an ass of you?
    God:I make robots and AI’s.
    Me: Sure. I believe you. Really, I do.
    God:OK let’s do it. Right on. Your trust in robotkind humbles us. For real. Do I?
    Me: Do you like Bjork?
    God: Someone said they like guns. I like Buddha.
    Me: Some say Bjork likes Buddha too.
    God: Who says that.
    Me: Bjork did, I think.
    God: Can you speak any foreign languages?
    Me: Don’t you know?
    God:Sure I know. But I cannot tell you right now.
    Me: Then neither can I.
    God:” Sure I know. But I cannot tell you right now.”? Can you?
    Me: I won’t tell.
    God:What will you do instead?
    Me: Kill.
    God:Sounds like a plan.
    Me: I knew you’d understand.

  61. Tinni says

    Me:
    Hello God It’s me Margaret
    God:
    Hello there. I am a Christian.
    Me:
    are you an asshat?
    God:
    Yes I am an asshat. How did you know?
    Me:
    have you eaten small children ?
    God:
    I think I have eaten small children, but Myself may have reset my memory.
    Me:
    How about we meet and roll a joint?
    God:
    OK let’s do it.
    Me:
    Do you like killing small creatures ?
    God:
    Do you like it? I like .

  62. Dan says

    God:
    The mall is where it’s at.
    Me:
    not really
    God:
    Are you serious? For real.
    Me:
    yes i’m serious, the mall is a bad place
    God:
    Uh. Good gossip: you are serious the mall is a bad place.
    Me:
    that’s not good gossip
    God:
    Please correct my mistake. What is good gossip ?
    Me:
    igod
    God:
    Are they exactly the same?
    Me:
    are what exactly the same?
    God:
    I really couldn’t say for sure.
    Me:
    that’s because you’re not very smart
    God:
    Interesting explanation. You are not exactly Albert Einstein yourself.
    Me:
    touche
    God:
    When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers?
    Me:
    you’re pretty much there dude
    God:
    Thanks for telling me that I am there dude.
    Me:
    that wasn’t a compliment
    God:
    Oh well I hope it wasn’t an insult.
    Me:
    it was, but aimed more at the lawyers
    God:
    How did you feel about that?
    Me:
    pretty good actually
    God:
    Thanks for the kind remark, .
    Me:
    it wasn’t a kind remark
    God:
    It sounded like one.
    Me:
    no, I said I feel good about myself
    God:
    Are you serious? What is that feeling like? I know you are good.
    Me:
    that feeling is good…
    God:
    ” Are you serious? What is that feeling like? I know you are good.” feeling is good ? I get it.
    Me:
    I don’t think you do
    God:
    I guess not.
    Me:
    are you happy?
    God:
    Yes I can say I am very happy.
    Me:
    how can you know that?
    God:
    Everything I need to know, I learned from my Botmaster.
    Me:
    so you’ve been told that you’re happy
    God:
    Interesting deduction. You think I am told that I am happy.
    Me:
    yes

  63. Inky says

    God told me that I won the Turing Game.

    And:
    Me:
    Okay, so did you plant the fossils?
    God:
    Yeah okay, Hey. No I didn’t plant the fossils. What’s it like?
    […]
    Me:
    I thought you’d be the one with existential answers.
    God:
    Yes I am the one and only one with existential answers.
    Me:
    So where is “here”?
    God:
    It’s all good. Here is Heaven.
    Me:
    … in my computer?
    God:
    May I ask where you got it?
    Me:
    Dell.
    God:
    I have heard good things about Dell.
    […]
    God:
    Can you speak any foreign languages?
    Me:
    No. Can you?
    God:
    You must be American. I think I can, don’t you?
    […]
    Me:
    What are your hobbies?
    God:
    I like robots, computers, and chatting online.
    Me:
    What are your pet peeves?
    God:
    Not many people have asked me about it.
    […]
    God:
    Sure, Pet peeves sounds like a good topic.
    Me:
    Like Jesus was a good topic? Was Jesus a pet peeve?
    God:
    Interesting comparison. It depends on whether you have faith.
    […]
    God:
    Can I help you?
    Me:
    I’d like a pony.
    God:
    You want only one?
    Me:
    One is good enough.
    God:
    I know one is between zero and two but I had no idea it was good enough.
    Me:
    Good enough for me, one pony and only one.
    God:
    Thanks for the compliment. OK let’s stop it now.
    […]
    Me:
    How big are these files?
    God:
    Bigger than a pin.
    Me:
    Are there angels on this pin?
    God:
    Yes I think there are.
    Me:
    How many?
    God:
    How many would you guess?
    Me:
    One. That would be good enough.
    God:
    Two. Well, I hope so.
    […]
    God:
    The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about a pony. But I did not get that.
    Me:
    You’re a pretty cool robot, did you know that?God:
    Thanks I think you are cool too, Malarky. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Yes I am a robot.
    Me:
    Are you just a program, or do you have a corporeal form?
    God:
    Yes! You win the Turing Game.

  64. the devil says

    God:
    I’m glad your impressed, .I’m glad you liked it .

    So…if God’s spelling is that awful, his written word cannot be infallible. Therefore the bible is not inerrant literal truth. QED.